My SO overcommits himself– frustrated!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Creiddylad:  What does he say when you try to talk to him about it? He definitely seems like he is overcommitting. i could understand and even applaud the amount of work he takes on as it seems at the least financially responsible for you as a couple for him to do so. 

But the excessive commitment to the hobbies seems like a bit much.

Maybe as a start you plan something fun for the 2 of you to do on the weekend and tel him about it in advance so he can clear his schedule for it. If he can’t do that, then that is a problem. 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Creiddylad:  I would say that he is too focused on, as you said, what he wants to do and not focused enough on doing what he wants to do with you. I firmly believe that it is all about doing what is best for the relationship, not the individual. I think it sounds like you two need some joint hobbies that you can share rather than you feeling like you come second to everything and everyone else.

Post # 7
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Creiddylad:  Yes, but try not to phrase things in a negative way or exaggerate, because that can make him more inclined to do those things that keep him away from you. 

So just simply plan something, tell him about it, and be nice and sweet while you do it. Then when the thing goes all well and fun, plan another thing for the next weekend and then kinda christen it your fun day. And then hopefully he will take the lead with some planning too. But it would be best if you started that ball rolling. 

Post # 8
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I wiil also admit my DH and I struggle with this at times as well. I am usually in the position of your SO though. In fact today he mentioned he wanted to go for a walk and I said, “ok, later.” Then I just now I was looking out the window and said, “you know, it’s not that nice out.” and he started saying, “oh i know what youre doing. how dare you try to get out of our walk!” so we had a laugh over it. Sometimes people just kinda get into their own zones and they dont realize it. 

Post # 9
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Creiddylad:  Parents can’t be terribly annoying but they usually do have our best interests at heart. Sounds like your mom has touched on an issue that also bothers you, but only you and your FI are going to be able to resolve it.

Honestly, I would be worried if he isn’t willing to make time with you a priority.

Post # 12
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Creiddylad:  It’s important that he is clear to you about whether or not you can have quality time together. I know sometimes it is out of our control, but you drove a long way to be with him and now you can’t. I would think that scheduling and carving out time with you should be first and then he fits in activities AROUND that, not instead of that or in preference to that.

Sorry you’re dealing with all this :-

Post # 15
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Creiddylad:  That is a common mother concern. They don’t want to see us giving more than we are getting or not being fulfilled. I think another thing about your situation that would make me resentful is that you have to tell him and ask for his time. My FI automatically knows that I come first and if something else comes up, he discusses it with me first (I do the same thing). If I had to be like, “babe, you need to spend time with me” then that time we spent together wouldn’t mean much.

I have often said I don’t come second to anyone or anything and I give him the same importance in my life. I am not saying not to have hobbies, but not suffocating hobbies that take over/take away from the most important relationship in your life. When FI works nights, I go to my book club. When he’s home, I don’t because I am happy he’s home and would rather be with him! For us, hobbies fill time we can’t be together, they don’t take over time we can.

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