Post # 1
I’ve been having an increasing amount of arguments with my SO recently regarding the amount of time he spends with his friends. On a typical week it’s around 3-4 times a week, which I think is excessive. I am 24 and he’s 26. We have been dating almost 4 years.
We sort of live together, I still technically live with my parents, but I stay/sleep at his parent’s house with him, (which they are totally fine with) while we try to save money to purchase a house. This makes our situation a little bit harder because he frequently wants to go over to a friend’s house on a week night and I have to wait for him to go to his house before I do and it’s often late and I have to work the next day. I work 8:30-5 and he works 10-7ish. He also works an hour away so he doesn’t get home until around 8 which leaves us very little time in the evenings to do anything.
He spends every Saturday with his friends and I go to my parent’s house and hang out there but it’s really starting to get to me. Most of the time I have no idea where he’s at or what he’s doing, just that he’s with his friends. He also spends most Friday nights with them, most Sundays during the day and all day Tuesday and doesn’t see me until 8:30-9 that night. He rarely invites me to do things with them because he knows I don’t like them. When I ask for more one-on-one time with him he claims that we see each other every night and that’s when we hang out, which is about 2 hours a night. He also claims that if he hangs out with them on Friday night it doesn’t count as a weekend and he wants Saturday night with them as well because that’s a “weekend night”.
He has a decent size social circle but there are about 6 people that he hangs out with on a regular basis. They demand his attention and call/text constantly. When I first met him he was renting a house with one of them and a few other people who he rarely hangs around anymore. So for the first 6 months we were dating he was in party mode constantly and we were with his friends 24/7. I’m pretty much over that stage in my life and I’m ready to move on.
Recently I’ve noticed his friends getting increasingly disrespectful of our relationship. A month or so ago he had a different group of friends over and his phone rang about 15-20 times. It was Saturday night and the annoying group of friends was calling trying to get him to come out. So one of their girlfriends texts me and asks if it’s ok for him to “come out and play”. I found this completely inappropriate. I responded and said that he had some friends over and was swimming and that they needed to ask him. They took this as an invitation to come over (at 11:30 pm when his dad was home & he specifically said he didn’t want them there). They didn’t even talk to him about it first. About 4 cars full of people just showed up. The thing is, he hadn’t been home at all that day and I hadn’t even seen him when I got there. They do not respect me or our relationship. They seem to think I hog him and keep him to myself all the time and that simply isn’t true.
The main reason I don’t like them is because they encourage him to drink and smoke cigarettes. On numerous occasions he has gotten completely shit faced drunk and treated me badly when he has been with them. He acts very different around them and pretty much ignores me. He’s intolerable, acts like an ass, slurs his words and starts smoking cigarettes (which they provide him with). They egg him on and provide him with more shots and laugh at his expense, but he just doesn’t see that and defends them to the end. They also peer pressure me to drink with them even though I don’t drink anymore and tried to push me into doing ecstasy with them even though I had a bad reaction to it in the past.
How do I get him to see this from my perspective? I’ve told him pretty much everything I have posted here and he just puts them on a pedestal and claims they do no wrong. His birthday is today and he wants to hang out with them to celebrate tomorrow. I asked that I be included in those plans and he told me in a round about type of way that he doesn’t want me there because I “don’t like his friends”. What can I do to get him to understand that he needs to grow up and lose these losers??
Post # 3
@sparklypinkkitty: He sounds pretty immature. Why are you with him, besides the fact that you’ve been together for so long? This guy doesn’t sound ready, willing or even very able to have an adult relationship. What about this situation makes you happy?
Additional note: This is how he is and who he is. You can’t change him. You can only change how you react to him.
If I were you, I would start going out with my friends and not being so readily available to him all the time. Get your own life that doesn’t revolve around him and give him a taste of his own medicine.
Post # 4
@sparklypinkkitty: Maybe that is just who he is and how he wants to live? Sounds like no progress has been made in your 4 years of dating despite your asking, your explaining, your complaining. I might have to advise that you accept it as is, or don’t be a part of it (aka don’t date him any more). Time to really assess what you are truly getting out of this relationship.
My sister’s BF has some really no good friends, like people who still know of people who do drive by shootings. Gang stuff. He’s never going to get rid of those friends, so she chose to accept it. Ugh. I hate that my innocent nephews are potentially exposed to people like this!
Meanwhile, while trying to decide, get yourself a ton of hobbies! Work out, go hiking, volunteer, go to dinner, etc!
Post # 5
Sounds like it might be time to move on if he isn’t willing to make some time for you. It’s fine that he enjoys spending time with his friends, but it’s not fine that when you ask for more alone time with him he blows you off.
Post # 6
It’s always a red flag when your SO doesn’t want you to hang out with his friends, and treats you differently around them. It sounds to me like you are putting in a lot more effort for this relationship than he is. Are you sure he is worth the effort?
Post # 7
He just needs to grow up. There are a lot of issues going on here, and they all boil down to THAT.
Post # 8
OH man this sounds pretty bad. Sounds like he bashes you to his friends…hence their treatment towards you.
idk…seems weird and you have every right to be MAD! I would never put up with that. My fiance and I have been together almost 3 years, and within 6 months he chose to be always be with me..I actually am the one to make plans with his friends for him so he doesn’t lose contact lol
Post # 9
@Sunfire: +1. You’re so smart and eloquent 🙂
Post # 11
OP, I also don’t understand why, if you ‘technically’ still live with your parents, you HAVE to wait for him to get home from hanging out with his friends to go home to bed. Go to your parents house, sleep there. Maybe after a few nights apart he will miss you and realize just how much of a dickhead he is being. IF not, than maybe YOU need to think about what you want from a relationship, and if he isn’t providing it to you, maybe you should be walking…
Post # 12
@Sunfire: He’s different when it’s just me and him. He’s been putting in a tiny bit more effort lately to hang out with me when I make plans, however he still finds time to hang out with them more. I’m worried about what he’s going to choose to do with them tomorrow for his bday…his drinking doesn’t ever get out of hand when it’s just the two of us. I guess I’m hoping that I can get him to see his errors in judgement and change his ways 🙁
Post # 13
@Baroness_Meg: It’s just our thing, he gets upset when I don’t stay with him. Although I did stay at their house one night this past week and didn’t speak to him until the following evening because he was drunk and actling like an asshole. He was very apologetic the next day and promised to make some changes, but we’ll see…
Post # 14
@sparklypinkkitty: But, if what you’re doing isn’t working you need to come up with something new. Don’t forget, the definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. (Not judging here, I’m the poster child for that, lol, just sayin’ – think of yourself here and what is best for YOU).
Post # 15
@sparklypinkkitty: Please don’t sit around and wait for him anymore. The dude seems really immature and not ready to move on to an adult life just yet.
Go out, make your own friends, go take a fitness class, live your own life. If he wants to be part of it, HE will make time for YOU.
Post # 16
Although you are younger than your boyfriend, you have certainly matured more quickly than him. I agree with the other posters that he is not ready to be an adult yet. Since you clearly are ready, you have to make a choice- will you find other friends/ hobbies for the times when he is busy/drunk, continue to wait around for him, or end the relationship?
I am bothered by the fact that his friends’ relationships with you are so poor. If you are the woman he loves, he should defend you and spend time with people who also appreciate his girlfriend. His friends should understand that, as his girlfriend who practically lives with him, that you demand a certain amount of his time.