- 6 years ago
First, I apologize for going under anon. I know how obnoxious it is, but I really want to protect the privacy of my SO and there are ways to connect me back to my normal username. Thanks for understanding.
My SO and I have been together several years. We are very happy, he’s a wonderful man. One of our biggest strengths is our trust. I have never had to worry about cheating/lying etc. SO has always been honest and I have total faith in his words.
SO lives within walking distances of a local dive bar that he likes to go to a few times a week with his friends. He knows all of the regulars there and he is well known and well liked among the people at this bar.
I spent last weekend with my SO out of town. We got home on Sunday afternoon. I gave him a call Sunday night to say hello and he was at the bar with his best friend. We talked for a few minutes, said ‘I love yous’ and hung up. I spoke to him a few times yesterday (Monday) and he seeme really sad/down. We made plans to meet up for dinner.
When I got to the restaurant, he ran up to my car and motioned for me to unlock it. He got into the passenger seat and I laughed, asking what he was doing. He burst into tears (my SO is not a crier, I’ve seen him well up, but I’ve never seen him sob hysterically) and told me this:
Sunday night, he was at the bar with his friend. His other friend showed up and they had a few drinks. My SO started to feel drunk and he had to work in the morning, so he left without his friends and walked home, but told them they were welcome to crash at his place instead of driving.
He went to bed and his friends came home a few hours later. All of a sudden, he woke up in his bed and a woman was in the bed giving him head. He flipped out, kicked her out of the house and went into the living room where his friends were. He told them to get out of the house. Apparently this woman is in her 50s (30 years older than my SO) and is a regular at the bar who has always liked/flirted with my SO.
The bottom line of this: I believe what my SO is telling me. I asked him point blank if anything happened before he went to sleep that would make this woman think it was okay to do this to him. He said he flirted with her a little bit at the bar (I’m okay with this, we have agreed before that a little flirting with no intention to go anywhere is fine) but that nothing else happened.
Still, I don’t know what to feel. I am broken hearted, disgusted, angry and confused. I keep picturing it and feeling like I’m going to vomit. I feel like the room is violated (I am about to move in…that bedroom is supposed to be ours).
I have never had to be that girl who has anxiety every time her SO drinks/goes to the bar/is out with friends. Now I’m afraid I’m going to start a million fights over this because I’m so terrified.
I don’t want him going back to that bar. That woman is a regular and is there every night.
I don’t want him seeing those terrible friends who would just bring a random woman home and then LET her go into my sleeping SO’s bedroom.
Most importantly, I don’t want to be a bitch to my SO. I told him I still love him, I thanked him for his honesty and I told him I was so sorry this happened to him. But I can barely look at him right now.
I don’t really know what I’m asking for with this post. I guess I need to vent, but maybe also some logic from someone with a clear head. Where do I go from now? How do I support my SO while taking care of myself? Is it ok for me to ask him not to go back to that bar?
Thanks Bees 🙁