- 4 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I orignally asked my stepfather to cater for our wedding – he used to be a chef and has done wedding catering before. Then he said he didn’t want to do it. I was disappointed but got over it. I asked him to help run the bar for an hour or so – he also used to be a bartender – and he said yes, but then changed his mind and I accepted that too.
But then today my mum told me that he won’t be coming to the wedding at all.
I asked her why and she said “he doesn’t want to”.
Background: He and my mum have been together for 8 years. My father has passed away. We live interstate and it would have been a 13-hour drive to get to where we live (which he would have shared with my mum). The long drive however is not the issue as he frequently does long drives all over the country.
He has always had some kind of issue with social occasions. Virtually any time he and mum have a big dinner or a party he just does the cooking, eats the food and then goes and sits in another room so he doesn’t have to talk to people.
But he does have certain people he spends time with – his friends and family on his side – and he’s OK with them. He went to my brother’s wedding – admitedly it was much closer to where they live – so I guess he is OK with such events sometimes.
He told mum recently that he thinks my FI and I are too intellectual and he is uncomfortable spending time with us. He also spent Christmas on his own rather than make the trip interstate to spend it with us.
He wasn’t always like this. Before I moved away to be with FI, he used to bend over backwards to help me with stuff, and I never had any idea that he had a problem with me. In fact he told Mum that he thought of me like his daugther.
I have a feeling that he really doesn’t like my FI – him and FI are as opposite from each other as two men can be – and my FI admits that the feeling is fairly mutual. They’ve never fought or been anything less than friendly to each other face to face, but apparently all this time my SF was harbouring this gigantic dislike of FI that would make him do this.
I can live without SF being there if he was just going to be miserable, but I can’t help but be hurt by this. I don’t thnk we were asking him to do much – eat some food and drink, drive us to the venue – he could have left early and gone and done something else if the reception was really boring him – but no, it’s all too much for him.
When she told me, I started crying and asked my mum if she had tried to convince him to come. She said “no” and sounded almost surprised that I expected her to do that.
It’s also thrown all our plans into disarray. He and mum were going to be coming a few days before the wedding and helping me out. Now she’s just coming the night before (as she’s sharing the driving with a family friend who can only get 1 day off work) and won’t be able to help with anything. We were supposed to be having a family dinner the night before the wedding and now that’s off.
I just can’t help but have the feeling that nobody in my family really cares about the wedding or our relationship. It’s not so much that they disapprove of the relationship, more that (it’s becoming more and more obvious) I am completely different from my family and FI is ever more different. It’s like I’ve outgrown them – moved away literally and emotionally.
It’s not that I expect them to bend over backwards and think of it as the social event of the year – but just recognise that it’s important to us as a milestone – that would be nice.
Has this happened to anybody else?