(Closed) My Step-son Flips Out Every Time He Goes With Mom

posted 5 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think you are being biased about most of those things.  The only part I have an issue with is the paddle part.  If the kid is being hit with a paddle, there should be marks and bruises.  Have you noticed marks and bruises?  If so, I would report that to CPS for child abuse if you are genuinely concerned about the child’s welfare and safety.  However, if you just want to point it out and speculate for a custody battle, then it’s really not about welfare and safety of the kid and it’s your own personal matter.

Generally speaking, a parent wouldn’t want custody unless they WANT to be with the child.  You are painting a picture like the mom doesn’t want to have anything to do with him, but that is most likely not the entire picture.

Post # 5
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Bazingau:  Not to be a buzzkill, but I have to disagree with your last statement. I think many parents go to court for additional custody because they want to spend more time with their kids but it’s not always the case. Sometimes, parents are on a power trip and want to “stick it” to their ex-spouses. They’re angry and will use anything against their ex-spouses. In the event that one spouse has to pay more in child support, then often they will often demand more time with the child so they can reduce their child support expenses.

 

@lochnessy:  I think you need to call an attorney. If there really is a problem here, then perhaps your attorney can get involved and get you and your SO more than 50% custody. Your attorney can also petition the court to change the circumstances in which the mother can interact with her child (for example, she has to be monitored by a neutral third party – e.g. social worker). At the very least, the incident in the driveway may mean she cannot provide a safe place for her child and is exposing him to danger.

Post # 6
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Do either of you pay CS?  I mean if she gets him more than 50/50 it would be in her benefit financially to take him and get Child Support.  I’d take what you have to an attorney and see what they think.  Most have free consultations. 

Post # 7
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You know, a few things sound bad, but I agree with Bazinga that you are not unbiased. I understand that you’re concerned, but there are some traces of smugness throughout this post that I am picking up on- your stepson never throws fits with you, always does with her, never wants to go with her, always wants to go with you.

I have a 17 month old, and depending on her mood, she’ll scream bloody murder if a specific person on her current shit list picks her up. I’ve been on that list and so has her dad. So has every one of her teachers. We don’t abuse her. Kids are fickle like that.

Also, our daughter has had a cold, three cases of the flu, an ear infection, two sinus infections, two cases of pinkeye and other ailments in the 11 months since daycare. I’d hate to think of someone judging me because hey, kids get sick.

Also, my daughter has screamed in a restaurant. Guess I’m a bad parent.

Is she still with the boyfriend? Who are the witnesses? Did they step in? If they are no longer together I don’t see how it’s an issue. The paddle and the injuries from animals are legit concerns. What exactly is it you want to do? Get more custody? Have her declared unfit? what does your husband think about all this?

Post # 9
Member
6824 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Tatum:  & Bazingau +1

Sorry OP I agree with the others here. You are being biased. My child is 17 months and when he is in public, heck even in daycare he is a perfect angel. But when at at home he can  have tons of tanturms, so I guess that makes my DH & I bad parents. 

My child bruises easily and right now has a bruise on his forehead because he was being a typical toddler and not watching where he was going and ran into the door frame. He bruises easily just like me.

As for the lying thing, sorry 2 year olds don’t get what is truth and what isn’t yet.  So yeah they do lie. 

Also toddlers get “messy” all the time, they are toddlers. They can get sick easily to. You really don’t have a leg to stand on for that.

As for the cops being called on the mom, if the child was in harms way the cops would have called in CPS if they felt the child was in trouble.

 

Post # 10
Member
1124 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

My daughter has visits with her father but only during the summers and every other christmas since he lives many states away.

When she was 2 it was IMPOSSIBLE to drop her off with him without a huge fit. Now she always says she never wants to go back but she’s getting a little older and knows we will be right back.

But at two, even when I was dropping her off at daycare for the day she would cling to my legs crying and upset about me leaving, at that age it’s common for them to have seperation issues.

Look out for changes in his behavior when he gets home, that’s a clear sign of what’s going on. When my daughter got home from one of her visits with her dad, she was in time out and I walked past her to get something from the room and she jumped and ducked her head and covered her head with her arms like she was afraid I was going to beat her. Signs like this tell you what is going on.

Also look out for bruises on him if you suspect abuse. She may not be the best parent in the world but NO ONE is. If there are serious signs of neglect or abuse (and the child being messy at age two isn’t a sign at all, it’s actually very common) I would take it to social services, but if there isn’t and you just don’t llike the way she is caring for him, don’t do anything about it because there is nothing you can do really that wont turn on you. Everyone raises their children differently, everyone acts and reacts differently and it’s her child so she has a right to raise him how she sees fit, unless it is damaging to the child.

When he is 12 (or 13 I can’t remember the exact age) he can choose if he wants to go there or not, until than it’s best to follow the court papers unless you think he is being abused or neglected.

My daughter gets spoiled rotten at her dads, and when she gets back it takes at least a month to get her back to normal, she cries and throws a fit to get toys because at her dads when she’s bad she gets toys to calm her down. She also spanks when all we do is time out. We discussed this with him and he’s the least reasonable man on earth but discussing the way you raise your child with the other parent is really important. He hasn’t stopped spoiling her but we agreed that he wont spank her either.

Post # 11
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

My son used to act out when coming or going to his fathers house.  It’s a huge change for kids & they don’t know how to handle their emotions & constantly changing environemnt.  Be supportive & loving – tell him you can’t wait til he comes back but his mommy can’t wait to see him, too!  … and then butt the heck out.  Please, though, try to remember – this child is not ‘our son’ this child is ‘his son & her son’.  As a step you have no rights & never will, you are not the parent & getting into this may actually cause more harm than good.  I belive you love this boy & your intentions are good – but as adults you all need to put aside your issues with eachother & work together.  As hard as it is sometimes in the step role, that means allowing mom & dad to be parents together.  Your role is to support dad in the background.

Post # 12
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

I take exception to the term ‘our son’. He is not your son. It is good that you are taking a proactive role in caring, but he will never be your son. He is your oh and his ex’s son, and always will be no matter what happens.

However, I think if you genuinley have concerns you should document the incidents and apply for full custody. Failing that, you oh and his ex should meet with a mediator and discuss any issues or concerns together.

I applaud you for taking an active role, but you are his stepmother. Not his Mother. Any decisions are down to your oh.

Post # 13
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Motor museum

My apologies, I meant to say your oh and ex should go to a mediator. I in no way advocate your presence there.

 

Apologies for spelling! On phone.

Post # 14
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow, I’m shocked at the responses here, especially the harshness. It sounds like this kid is being abused, or at the very least, neglected by his mother. OP, I applaud you for stepping up for this kid because his mother obviously doesn’t really care about him.

Post # 15
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@keranos

I understand it’s a delicate situation, and you don’t want to turn a blind eye to potential child abuse or wait until it’s too late, but the problem that I have with OP documenting things and then applying for full custody (and by OP I mean OP’s husband) is that all her “evidence” she has compiled is SO circumstantial.

I mean, the kid says his mom is mean? Welcome to toddlerhood. My 3 year old nephew says that all the time, 99% of the time when his mother tells him he can’t have what he wants. The kid says she hits him with a paddle? What does that even mean? How does a 2 year old even know what a paddle is? Is it possible it’s not a traditional paddle like OP is thinking? Does the mom say, I am going to hit you with this paddle right now? Or did perhaps someone ask the 2 year old a leading question, does your mom hit you with a paddle?

What kind of injuries from animals is OP talking about? Are we talking scratches?

The boyfriend is the only thing that jumped out at me as wrong. But it sounds like he is maybe not even in the picture anymore. OP said the mom “had” a boyfriend. If they are no longer together, what is the point of even bringing it up? And how is it that three of the mother’s neighbors saw the incident and all called up OP to tell her about it? Are the mom’s neighbors, like OP’s cousin from BWW, all spying on this woman and then reporting back to OP?

I don’t know this woman and it’s possible she is a danger to her son and the kid’s father does need to step in somehow. But if you’re going to make such a damaging accusation, I think you need more proof then, my cousin saw him throwing a tantrum in public and he says his mom is mean and prefers our house to hers.

Post # 16
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

My 4 yr old sd has similar issues on the (rare) ocassions her month actually asks to see her. Our family therapist said it’s common for children to get confused and resist change. That being said, I suggest you document everything.

Also, I don’t know if you have kids of your own but childlessstepmoms.org is an invaluable resource for me.

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