Post # 1
Mr Bee and I met almost 9 years ago and since then have gone through a lot together. Over the last 5 years we have been living together but a year after we moved in dynamics changed. I realised he was communicating with another lady behind my back romantically and confronted him about it. After a lot of heated discussions he admitted it was an error, sworn he had not had an affair with her (just communicated by distance for a couple of months, but still a mental betrayal in my mind) and begged me to forgive. I love him and tried to forget. Thought I could trust him and then felt very vulnerable. I am sort of over this now but it will always be at the back of my mind.
In addition to those woes, his parents and I have no relations or communication whatsoever. In fact they have often advised him that he was better of without me. It all started when the year that I found out about that lady, I was cold and distant to them (nothing more extreme) and since then they have not forgiven me about it. I honestly tried to make things smooth again without any luck.
Since we decided to stay together and continue living together, 2 years ago I started referring to the wedding idea quite frequently and he said he wanted to get married. He even bought me a wedding ring. The issue is that even though he told my parents he wanted to marry me 2 years ago, today we are still at ground zero.
Whenever it comes to making the actual bookings he finds reasons to stall and drag his feet. He is not enjoying it and neither am I. It feels so sad since I feel I have given so much to this relationship and I dont see it going anywhere. After all these dreams and years. I am 34 now.
Last I heard was that we needed to wait a few more months until things get better since we often argue (which is true). That he is not sure about whether we could build a happy home and he wants to have his parents close so cannot be in a situation where his wife and parents do not speak. I feel I am not the person I used to be anymore since so many of my wishes, important ones like starting a family, are put on hold. I often become irritable and bitter.
I feel my sanity is threatened here. Would really like to hear some advice. I love this man but wonder how a man who loves you back cannot take your happiness into account? I feel I have tried everything and nothing is working. Next step is moving out. We have had a lot of good times together all these years despite the difficulties and I do believe that he cares. It just seems like this is not enough. Please advise.
Post # 3
Sounds like neither of you are happy in the relationship. I’d consider moving on personally.
Post # 4
It sounds like he doesn’t want to get married. He’s telling you that, in fact. You should believe him.
Post # 5
Being in a relationship so long is difficult because you feel like you have put in so much time, if you leave it, you’ll just have to start from square one. On the other hand, do you want to give up 9 years or do you want to give up the rest of your life to the wrong person?
Sit him down. Talk to him seriously and see what he really wants out of this and where he sees things. Don’t let him weasel out and say what YOU want to hear. Tell him how you feel. Maybe you can resolve this, but it sounds like you might need to let go.
Post # 6
Agree with the above posters. Sorry you are going through this.
Post # 7
Relationships are hard work and not always sunshine and unicorns, there’s no denying that, but in your case, it sounds like neither of you are even happy – and staying in this because of the time you’ve both invested. I hope you realize your strength, decide that you deserve to be with someone who REALLY wants to be with you (a man who is EXCITED to marry you – they do exist!!), and move on. So sorry, I know its hard 🙁
Post # 8
@beemeg: I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was in a similar situation – in my early 30’s, in a long term relationship, living together, with someone who had been dishonest with me (cheated…more than once). For a number of reasons, it was scary to think of moving on without him but I did and I eventually met my SO, who is completely amazing.
You say that he loves you and that is most likely true. What I came to realize was that love isn’t always enough.
Maybe you could try a trial separation to figure things out? Or go to counseling together, or independently?
Post # 9
Thank you all so much for your comments. It is very hard indeed. I have thought about counceling and trial separation. I think we are heading for the latter in full force now. Seems as if there is nothing to stop us from getting there at this point. Do you have any advice on counceling? Where to go? I remain a stupid optimist but no one can escape from the truth.
Post # 10
My advice is to end the relationship
Post # 11
@mandypop: If only I could feel strong now. Things would be better. Have seen friends getting married to men who are excited about. Very inspiring. For some reason I feel I am not entitled to this anymore.
Post # 12
“Very inspiring. For some reason I feel I am not entitled to this anymore.”
This makes me so very sad. Everyone is entitled to someone who loves them unrelentingly. Who wants to marry them. Who puts them above all else. This is not the situation you have. I would really encourage you to seek counseling for yourself to regain your strength. This may help your relationship or it may help you decide that your relationship isn’t right for you. Remember that no one deserves mediocre love. No one, because that isn’t really love. Try a Google search for counselors in your area. If your insurance covers them, that’s a goo dplace to start. Maybe your physicial can give a referal. And remember that you may not fit with the first person you meet with. If you aren’t comfortable with them, try someone new. I hope the best for you.
Post # 13
@hosannac: Thanks so much. Will reach out for help.
Post # 14
One more thing: do you thing it is normal for a man to be so attached with his parents that he does not want to proceed with marrying the woman he says he loves -due to the fact that she and his parents do not have a good relationship? This is one of the main reasons he cites. Do you think that this is an excuse?
Post # 15
I’m sorry to say this, but after all the time you have been together, if he still has reasons to be waiting then I would say marriage is not in your future. If this guy wanted you be his wife, you would be.
At this point don’t look back at the time invested, but look forward to your future. Every day/week/month you stay takes away from you starting your future. My guess is that this guy really loves you, and is afraid to lose you, but in his heart, he doesn’t see you as his wife.
Post # 16
I did not spend as much time as you have in the relationship but I can very much associate with your post. to answer your last question…. NO it is not normal for a man to be this attached to his parents – he is co-dependant on them.
I sent time too thinking that we would marry – he was the one to bring it up but just like you I did not have a good relationship with his parents (not from lack of trying on my part either). But somewhere along the path I came to realize that had I stayed I was never going to be No1 to him that was reserved for his parents, and as I was placing him first he had the best of all worlds but that was not going to work for me moving forward.. so as hard as it was I left and moved on, and not looked back…
I met the most amazing man and we are marrying next year – my Ex just keeps going from one to the next with the same pattern, as soon as the time is up for marriage to be spoken of he puts them off and they run becuase YEP he puts his parents feelings first.
I agree with others you really have to speak to him very candidly and see what he says – BUT I beleive that he has already told you what he really thinks – because actions will always speak louder than words!