Post # 1
I’m going to try and make this the short version. I’ve been with my SO a bit more than 3 years and we are both in our late 30s. Both of us had a prior marriage and both of them ended very badly. But we are very happy and we both know that we want a future together. Oddly enough, another thing we have in common is that both of our previous spouses have made the divorce process extremely hard and long. But finally, after 4 years, my divorce should be final in the next 60 days. His situation is different in that he has two children and his ex has no contact with them. She lives several hours away and there are several other factors that make it so the divorce process will be very lengthy and probably expensive for him as well.
With all that being said, I am becoming very frustrated because he has not started the process or saving for the divorce. I understand he is very furstrated and disgusted with her and that in his mind this has been going on so long (over 5 years) that they are no longer married in his head but at the end of the day they are legally married.
I have never brought up marriage. He has brought it up on several occasions. That we will get married and that he wants to spend his life with me. What song he wants our first dance to be. I know without a doubt he is sincere in his feelings. We live together and his children love me. But I am not a young woman in my twenties. I’m knocking on 40. I feel that we have been together long enough that there needs to be a plan or some sort of actual movement forward. Words are wonderful but actions are necessary. At the end of the day, I have no ring, security. His ex wife legally has all of that.
I’m trying very hard to be patient and to know that it will happen. But I don’t think it’s fair it has to be on HIS timeline. How can I bring all of this up without it being a fight or without feeling like a nag?
Post # 2
Calmly. And if that doesn’t work, couples therapy. I would be so angry if my dad and mom were still married while she’s gone off sleeping with some other man (which she was)… she made him keep her in the will, and now two years later, he’s FINALLY just put us kids on it. Tell him you need security in the relationship. Try not to get emotional. And think about your words carefully. Also, be loving during the discussion… let him know your heart is in the right place.
Post # 3
browneyedgirl76: What I would do: make a nice relaxed date without the kids, and tell him how much he means to you, remind him of how much you mean to him that and that should something happen to him, his “legal wife” will get All financial gain, cause “At the end of the day, I have no ring, security. His ex wife legally has all of that.”
Post # 4
I am glad the kids are okay with the situation, they are young and I’m sure assume the divorce has already happened. His children have no contact with their mom, her choice. She abandoned them when my SO decided to separate and made it clear the kids are ‘his problem now’ . The youngest doesn’t even remember his mom as he was a small toddler when the split happened.
SO is a procrastinator and I think he feels like its ridiculous to have to jump thru so many hoops to be rid of someone he hasn’t had successful contact with in so long. I agree with him, but many things in life aren’t fair.
I have told him that I feel a divorce needs to happen and tried to discuss a timeline. He says ‘it will be soon’. Soon hasn’t happened. I know it may be backwards to some but I would probably feel better if I had a promise or engagement ring . Something to signify that he appreciates me standing with him thru all of this and that when it’s said and done the future is mapped out.
Thanks for listening 🙂
Post # 5
browneyedgirl76: When he brings up marrying you, remind him that he will need to be legally divorced first. I’m surprised he talks about wedding details but shows no initiative in starting the divorce process. Just make it a logical discussion, A has to happen before B. You could even bring it up yourself; ask about when he’d like to get married and share your timeline as well. Naturally that will lead to a discussion about the divorce.
Post # 6
I agree with the previous posters before me. I also want to add that you should expect to hear things you might not want to hear and to consider the possibility that you may have to leave.
Post # 7
I kinda don’t blame people who go through nasty divorces, not wanting to jump into getting married again. I was engaged to a guy and we split, it was awful and I was kinda commitment phobic for awhile.
This being said you are in a commited relationship and if you feel like you would like to be married you deserve that. You are not his soon to be ex wife and things hopefully will be much different than last time. I would just have a casual conversation about where he is at with how he feels about getting married. To me it sounds like he wants to marry you I would just say have repsect for the crap he is being put through ( you as well because having a partner going through a divorce is not easy), and be patient. I think it will happen 🙂
Post # 8
browneyedgirl76: If she has zero contact with them, maybe he should also ask her to give up her rights to them. It would be safer for the kids, as well, if you were to both marry him AND adopt him (especially if they’re still young). If anything were to happen to him, where would they go?
My advisor did this for his wife’s son. The dad was out of the picture, only visiting twice a year, so to add to the child’s stability, my advisor adopted him. It’s something to seriously consider… especially if they’re school-aged children.