- 7 years ago
- Wedding: December 2010
Okay, so I posted this in the general ceremony boards, which turned out to be a poor decision on my part because 99% of the replies were from folks who I feel missed the point of my post. No offense to them, to religion, or anyone else, but here goes….
I suppose this post is more or less letting me get something off my chest, but I can’t say I would mind a little reassurance or encouragement to know I’m not totally insane.
My wonderfully kind fiance and I got engaged several weeks ago and both had the idea of saving money on our wedding so we could use it toward more important things (home, bills, a honeymoon). I was interested in eloping, and he wanted something more along the traditional route because he would like his family to be a part of the celebration.
The problem? Well, actually, is family has unfortunately become the problem.
I wanted a small ceremony here in Atlanta, only immediate family (his side) and my closest friends (I’m not in contact with my own family). However, the problem with his family is that should we decide to do that, his enitre family will not be able to come (which, apparently, is not an option). Not to mention, they tend to be very demanding with time as a group, and I’m not sure I can afford to host that many people, much less afford the venue to hold all of them.
So, we decided to get married this Christmas Eve while they’re all together at his parents’ house as a surprise wedding (for most). His parents know, as well as his older brother (who’s ordained to marry us) and his sister in law (whom I absolutely LOVE).
The even bigger problem: we are not religious, and his family is. As a matter of fact, they are very deeply Catholic (his grandfather has met the Pope several times and actually calls himself the patriarch of the family). Ever since we have told his parents that we are hosting our surprise ceremony at their home, my FMIL has been texting up a storm with me, very strongly suggesting that we need to involve Christ and perhaps have some scripture read.
Furthermore, I don’t think his parents (and I don’t think anyone on his side actually will consider this once they find out) have even considered the fact that I’m giving up the potential of having my own friends at my own wedding so that my fiance’s family can attend (to make it convenient and LESS STRESSFUL for everyone).
Not one single question on how I’ll handle the wedding, knowing that it’s a day my family would be there (but obviously won’t be), or concern over how I’m feeling. Not even a single word of gratitude. As a matter of fact, his mother has texted me, saying I’m “soooo lucky” (her words) to have the relationship with her that she never got to have with her own mother.
1. I don’t have that type of relationship with her, and 2. It just felt like a slap in the face for her to say that to me, knowing I’ve had a hard time with my own family (and since no one seems to care). It’s like his side of the family expects me to just be absorbed into a family that already exists, as opposed to supporting us starting our own.
I don’t know… At this point, I just feel like the ceremony is for everyone except my fiance and myself. I’m not big on the huge, white weddings anyway, but I j ust feel so indifferent now. Don’t get me wrong, I cannot wait to marry the man I love (I’d do it tomorrow if he wanted to), but at this point I just don’t even feel excited about the wedding itself.
Am I crazy, or does anyone else know what this feels like?
** NOTE: HERE IS THE COMMENT I POSTED IN REPLY TO THE OTHER POSTERS:
1. I can’t have any of my friends there, unfortunately, since it’s a 12-hour drive away from where my friends (and I) all live. Plus, it’s Christmas Eve, so it’ll be too hard and expensive for them to drive or fly there.
2. My fiance’s brother isn’t a Catholic priest, he got ordained online for us (non-religious) and our ceremony, specifically. He and his wife are not Catholic and fully support us wherever we would like to get married. I’m truly lucky to have such a fantastic sister in law!
3. As for my FMIL… I know she has good intentions, I do; however, we really don’t have the type of relationship that she seems to think we do. It’s not because of my perception or negative history with my own family, it’s just that we really don’t. I’ve tried to give her insight on my past or opportunities to talk/ get closer, but she’s very self-absorbed. She doesn’t realize it; and like I said, I know she means well, but it’s very hard to talk to someone about your own life when they’re too busy interrupting to discuss their own. I think her idea of this “great relationship” is definitely a one-way street.
4. The reason for doing the wedding at their home is because they view it as the type of scenario that since I don’t have my own family to attend the wedding, we should essentially make it convenient for them. So, yes, it was my diea to have the ceremony on Christmas Eve since his entire family will be all in the same space at the same time. As much as I do disagree with how pushy they’ve been about the type of ceremony we have, I do want them to enjoy themselves. And, hey, let’s be realistic: it’s a lot easier for us to come to them than it is to have all 50 of them come to us.
5.His grandfather. Yes, he may view himself as being the patriarch of the family, but he needs to be respectful to the fact that I’m not Catholic. He’s not the patrirch of my own family with my fiance, which is something we both agree on. My fiance is the kindest person ever – he’s not Catholic either, which is also why we decided that a non-religious ceremony was for us.
I don’t want you all to think I dislike his family, because I really do care for them, which is why I suggested doing the ceremony there in the first place. I guess I’m just going through some pre-wedding blues. It would be nice to have my own family (which obviously, at this point, is not an option). I dunno… I mean, at this point, all I would like is a little empathy and support from them, not further demands. I just want to do what’s right for everyone, including myself and my future husband. I feel like it’s a pretty fair compromise to have the wedding where they would all be able to attend and save money, time, etc., and when they’ll all be gathered together as family. It was sort of my way as showing them I care. I’d just like to be met half way. Afterall, it is my fiance’s and my wedding. You know?
Anyway, sorry to ramble. I really do appreciate all the kind suggestions, insight, and support! I’m trying to remain as objective about this whole situation as possible, I’m just hitting some snags, I suppose.