(Closed) My theory on “pressure”

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree with you mostly although I would say that getting into marriage is a bit more nerve-wracking than a vacation (always good and even if not it’s a 1-2 week commitment) or a promotion (if you hate it, find another job). So I do think sometimes even if you do ultimately want to be with someone you could be nervous about making that decision and actually committing to an entire life with them. I think everyone has to have their own timeline though. If you think that he knows everything he needs to know about you to make a decision and he isn’t acting with a speed that makes you happy then by all means, cut your losses and move on. He knows where to find you if he changes his mind (and on that note: I think SOME guys really do need a nudge because while being together forever might sound great to them, having an actual wedding scares the bejeebus out of them).

Post # 4
450 posts
Helper bee

I absolutely know what you’re saying about pressure and in my perspective if you’ve been with a guy for years and he still doesn’t know what he wants OR he isn’t willing to take the next step step because of some random reason, then really at that point the whole pressure talk is BS.  I’ve also come to another conclusion: if a man TRULY loves you with all his heart and can’t imagine being without you, he will do everything to keep you in his life, even if it means taking a step which he may be hesistant about. 

I personally have decided that I’m no longer going to be so concerned about whether my guy feels pressure–mainly because it’s been 5 years and we’re both 30.  He says he wants to be with me forever.  So bottomline, if that is in fact the case there is no reason why he should feel pressured when I talk about takin the next step.

Ladies, I think we are WAY too nice about these things and I for one am sick of keeping quiet about my needs and my future!

Post # 5
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with you- I say it all of the time- if a guy really wants something, he won’t make excuses- he will do it. If he doesn’t want it, then he won’t do it. Pressure is because he doesn’t want to be without you but he isn’t ready to commit marriage to you.

Post # 6
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’d have to say that my Boyfriend or Best Friend hates making ANY decision, except about small things like dinner, regardless of whether he wants it or not.  Planning a vacation, hard to pick a day to go.  Planning a purchase, he worries he’s made the wrong decision for months AFTER.  He got offered a sweet new job, not a riase in ay but a far better job, and he agnozed for a week before turning it DOWN!  He wanted it but scared himself off from it.  Only when he got offred a second time and I just sadi, “go for it,” did he take it.

He’s always worried he’s making a mistake about things, so I’d have to say about the pressure is that, yes, if a guy knows 100% he wants something, there may be no presure, but there’s a lot to put into getting married.

Another things I’mguilty of as well as my SO, is tht I can have all the plans in thw rold to do soemthing, but if I’m asked to do it, it shuts me down a little.  I want to go to the store and pick up dinner as a treat… but if I’m asked to do it, my initiative just dropped to fulfilling a request, not doing something special because I want to.  Does that make sense?  That’s a kind of pressure – He’d feel he’s only doing it because he’s asked, he worries you’d think that, hecen Mr. Bee telling us to try to keep a reasonalbe lid on it, until your guy has passed all his qualms and can do it feeling it was his decision, and he wasn’t pushed into it. 

I think if it’s soemthing simple, like a video game (which you can exchange, usually) or a relatively small purchase, a trip where you’re not responsible for anyhting except showing up and paying your way (as opposed to making all the plans, coordinating times, inviting friends to go, setting up transportation…etc), then it’s low stress.  Marraige is not, nor should it be a simple decision like that, able to be made in a , “sure, why not?” kinda of way. 

Guys have been told in recent years marriage equals game over, it’s just a pice ofpaper, it no longer matters, etc.  Men who’ve been burned in the ast, either through divorce or simply just haivng bad relationships are often VERY worried.  Also, think about it – which term sounds better?  Bachelor?  or Spinster?  Old Maid?  Men don’t get the same pressure to desire marriage as a woman.  Men don’t feel their ability to attract a mate decrease each time a birthday rolls around – they get ‘distinguished’ we get wrinkles.  So, when asked about marraige, most women will say, of course.  Most men will say, maybe.  Also, hate to stereotype, but a lot of guys just really can’t put into words WHY they’re worried, why they hesitate.  Women have 20 words to decribe degrees of hurt and anger (upset, sad, hurt, cranky, moody, frustrated, angry).  Men have one – angry.  All they know s that when the “where are we going” conversation is sprung, it won’t usually end without tears unless he can pop the question then, so they go on defense and shut down, relying on, “I don’t know,” and other unsatisfying reponses to help them get through.

I agree if he was as whole-heartedly ready to marry the OP, he’d be able to tell her straight out.  I also know, epsecially after reading these boards for months is tht a woman can tell if she wants to be with the guy far sooner than they guy even considers it about her.  I think being frank with him about how it makes her feel is good, and that he needs to be able to define the kind of pressure he’s feeling.  As I said, my Boyfriend or Best Friend sucks at making decisions more pressing than what movie to watch (and we’ve spent HOURS in a video store whil he’d decide that, sometimes), so some guys really just fear ANY decision, and it might just reflect on his marraige feelings.  Look at other things he’s had to choose in life, maybe it will help you approach him in the next conversation.

Post # 7
2894 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with Isilme. Maybe he just doesn’t have another word to describe this “pressure.” It would be worth finding out. Because the “where are we going” conversation makes everyone nervous. It’s normal. Doesn’t mean you’re now excused from giving a real answer one way or the other. We’re all adults and part of being an adult is facing the hard things and overcoming them. At this point I think the ball is in his court to let you know if he sees it as an option in the future or if he doesn’t. You’re not asking him to propose this instant. You’re just trying to find out if you both want the same things out of life. I don’t understand the “pressure to give an answer.” If he needs to sleep on it so he can gather all his thoughts that’s one thing, but you can’t play the pressure card when exchanging information after being together for a year and a half. You just can’t. The least he can do right now is offer an answer. He can worry about offering “The question” later. 🙂

Post # 8
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with your theory. He doesn’t want it. You’re not pressuring him, and it’s awesome that you realize that. I think you need to walk away. You’ll find someone who KNOWS you’re what he wants forever without you even having to ask.

Post # 9
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

Interesting theory – makes sense, but I do agree that marriage is a tad more stressful than a vacation. I mean, c’mon, we aren’t call the “ol’ ball and chain” for nothing. *wink*

But seriously, what is that? My SO and I have been together for just over 5 1/2 years, and while he’s comfortable calling me “the one”, can discuss openly details about our “wedding, we have a home together, and a dog, and all that hooplah – when you talk about a ring and a proposal I swear the guy looks like he’s seen a ghost.

I think a lot of mine has to do with his inability to spend large quantities at a time, (especially if it’s not “self-serving” like you mentioned), and that we both come from divorced/split parents. Not to mention my two besties are in awful relationships and failing fast.

Unfortunately, as cliche as it is, it will just make sense to him one day, and there’s really nothing we can do to spur the moment except try and hang on for the ride, or move on. I personally have decided that I won’t leave my SO just because he doesn’t propose. He will eventually – and I don’t expect it to make sense to him until he wants kids. Because unfortunately, until then, there’s no reason in his mind to be legally bound.

… Men. Why must we be wired so differently?

Post # 10
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I hope it’s okay that I’m posting here, since I’m no longer waiting.

Prior to Fi, I was dating a guy for 7 years.  He was in the military, and we were often separated.  The last 2 years, we were in the same town, and I kept making excuses for various things… he’s had a hard day… the ballet isn’t really his thing… he’s too tired to go to my family functions.  I thought that my loving him would be enough to make it all okay.  I thought I wanted to marry him because I’d invested so many years in our relationship and there was a bunch of stuff that I DID love about him.

One night, it clicked.  I’d never met his family, he’d hardly met my family, and Year 7 felt much like Year 1.  I sat him down and told him that I wanted to get married.  No deadlines, no pressure, just that I wanted to get married.  He told me to my face that he wasn’t the marrying type.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to marry me, he just didn’t want to get married.  Period. 

At 35, that was quite a slap in the face to me.  Had I really just wasted this much time on someone who really didn’t want what I wanted and put up with drunken rages, forgotten birthdays, and a generally bad relationship?  Yes… I had.  We broke up a week later, and when I met Fi, I made sure to tell him what I want.

I did it early in the relationship, but we’re both older.  I said, “I want to get married and have children.  If, at any point, you decide you don’t want to get married, or you don’t want to marry me, you need to let me know.  Likewise, if I can’t see this going anywhere, I’m going to be honest and tell you the same.”  It kind of blew his mind that I was saying this over dinner, but it worked. 

My point is, sometimes you need to be honest with yourself, and your Boyfriend or Best Friend.  Tell him what you want, and if you’re feeling close to fed up, let him know that too.  It’s like you’re on a really long job interview… for a job that might not even be available. 

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope this was helpful. (((hug)))

PS: Fi and I dated 1.5 years, moved in together last May, and got engaged 3 weeks ago.

Post # 13
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I hate when men use that word, I feel like it’s a cop-out, just like when they say wer’e nagging them. (If you would pick up your dirty dishes, I wouldn’t have to ask you to, it’s NOT nagging!)  You are both adults in a long-term relationship, you have EVERY right to be able to discuss the future and see if your on the same page, it’s not pressure, it’s a conversation about where things are going.  And if he can’t handle that, how can he handle a lifetime committed to someone else, and potentially starting a family, etc.  I would decide what you want out of your relationship and tell him you’d like to talk about these things, maybe give him a date a few days from now, so that he can have time to gather his thoughts and realize where he stands, and you can have some time to do the same.  Then talk, and go from there.  Everyone deserves to be fulfilled in their relationships, if you want a marriage, you deserve one! 🙂

Post # 14
384 posts
Helper bee

Boy this thread is right on time for me as I’m going through something similar with my SO.  he doesn’t “doubt” that I’m the one…he says he knows he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  But he’s in that stage about marriage where he says “I’m pressuring him.”  Which, I’m not, I just simply finally got the balls to ask the question “do you see this relationship ending up in marriage because I love you and that’s what I want.”   He kind of “half ass” answers.  But not really.  Avoiding it.  This weekend was BAD – had a blow up and the conversation somehow went to the “m” word.  he said I was pressruing him and it had to come on it’s own.  He wants to move in, and we’ve been planning that….but I honestly don’t know what to do. 

He said it had to evolve naturally and even said “why does it have to be the end goal?”  Then he’ll say “I’m not opposed to marriage.” 

He had a bad one before me REALLY BAD ONE.  And he said she pressured him into it, he didn’t even propose.  She just started telling everyone they were getting married.  He resisted and resisted and finally gave in.  Said it has to be his idea this time.

I’m personally kind of tired of it myself.  And Mr. Bee’s plan is in full effect….not because I’m playing games, but just because I am really really getting sick of it.   Like other posters have said, a man should move heaven and earth if he wants to be with you.  Even if it’s scary.  All good and wonderful things can be scary. 

I’m personally about over the whole situation and your thread was right on time !!!!!!!!!!!

I agree – “pressure” usually means “don’t wanna.”

Sad to say, but true.  I think we should both just back off and see what happens and have our “game plan” in motion.  Mr. Bee, Mr. Bee, Mr. Bee. 

Post # 15
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I do agree with the OP that if he truly means that its pressure just do decide if he really wants to be married in the future then thats not a good thing.

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