- 5 years ago
I’ve been thinking a lot about waiting and why it hurts and why it bothers me so bad and the more I thought about it, the more it all made sense why I’m going so crazy!
I always dreamt of the perfect situation (to me)… not knowing that a proposal was coming, just knowing that you’re in love and one day he surprises me with a ring and pops the question. I feel like all of this waiting and talking and nothing happening has definitely taken away from that innocence. At the beginning of this whole marriage talk, I was constantly on cloud 9, I was so excited and amazed that this amazing man wanted to marry me and spend his life with me. Now I’m just bitter and frustrated and sick of waiting.
I’ve always been very independent. I moved out of my parents house at 19 after purchasing a condo (it had to be built) a year earlier. Whenever I want something, I have always found a way to get it myself, I have never relied on someone else for anything. If I’m not happy with anything in my life, I usually find a way to change it and go for it. I think that’s what makes waiting extra difficult for me because I feel like it’s all on his time and I feel like my feelings and desires are being ignored or pushed to the side. He is a procrastinator and a huge saver, and he doesn’t like spending money on expensive items and it bothers me that those things are getting in the way of us moving on with our life together. I’ve told him I don’t need an engagement ring
He was married before and sometimes when I’m feeling extra waiting crazy, I ask myself what she had that I didn’t and why he proposed to her and not me. Everyone has told me that I’m so much better for him and he’s happier now than he has ever been, yet I still compare myself to her because there must be something about her that he liked more than me because he married her.
We said I love you pretty early on in our relationship and knew that it was something special. We both fell for each other hard and we started talking about eloping ever since the beginning. I remember when we had been together less than two months and he looked at me dead in the eyes and said “I wish I could just take you Vegas and marry you right now. I need you to be my wife Laura”. To me, that was an amazing moment and it made me so excited for when it would actually happen. We’ve had a lot of moments like that since then and every single birthday/anniversary/holiday/special date has felt like a possible proposal day. And every time one of those days goes by without a proposal, I feel more and more disappointed and let down.
When I see people around me get engaged or married or sometimes even those who are already married, I feel pangs of jealousy. I hate myself for feeling that way because that’s their lives and I am happy for them, and jealousy sucks!! I find myself wondering why their men loved them enough to marry them and why mine doesn’t love me as much. It’s not a nice feeling and it’s life consuming some days 🙁
Anyway, I just thought I’d post this on here because I was thinking about it all night and I know that out of anyone in my life, my fellow Waiting Bees will understand!