Post # 1
Hi Bees! I’m back on this site. I used to be off because I didn’t like obsessing over weddings, and it really helped for awhile, but I’m starting to feel discouraged and this awesome site always helped me with that 🙂
I keep saying to myself this will be the year my boyfriend (I hate calling him that) will propose. I’m not sure why he hasn’t yet. We’ve been together for over four years, we live together, and we still absolutely adore each other. Things keep popping up that made me think he would’ve proposed in the past. ‘Random’ drives to surprise me with fireworks, trip to Vietnam, couple trips to Mexico, the latest being a trip to the Canadian Rocky Mountains to go to the top of a mountain where I seriously thought it’d happen.
I’m trying not to be jealous of other happy couples but it’s becoming hard when a lot of my friends and my sister (most of which have not been with their significant others for half as long as I have mine) are getting engaged. The latest being my friend who proposed to his girlfriend after only a year and a half of dating.
I thought the reason he wasn’t proposing was because he thought I’d want a huge expensive wedding like both my sisters. The one I think was around 7G, the other was about a 20G wedding. I do not want that so I let him know I’m ok with an elopement or an intimate immediate-family-only wedding at a park or on my parents acreage. He was thrilled.
I always told him I need to be married before I have children (not because I’m religious but because it’s always been important to me). Well we’re planning on trying to get pregnant in about seven months… And still nothing.
We’re going to New York for my birthday in November. I told him that would be a dream location for an elopement for me. Still nothing. He won’t even entertain it.
I don’t know if he’s trying to surprise me with something or if he just completely doesn’t care about my feelings towards marriage and children.The thing is he has a ring! It’s his grandmothers for him to give to his future fiancee. Like I said, I feel so discouraged right now.
This topic was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by SharpBee.
This topic was modified 2 years, 3 months ago by SharpBee.
Post # 2
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.
The good news is your situation sounds really positive! It seems like you guys do romantic things together constantly, doesn’t seem like you’re fighting over the engagement issue, and he’s clearly planning a future with you.
Sometimes girls’ situations sound kind of hopeless and I don’t know what to say, but in your case I think maybe some clear communication would help. You can maybe just tell him that you feel uncomfortable with where your relationship is at given how committed you guys are, and that it hurts and bothers you and makes it harder to enjoy the great things you do together. Especially since you’re TTC, ask him flat out “how much longer do you plan to wait before we get engaged or married?” and see what he says!
Post # 3
Why are you planning on having a baby if you don’t want to have kids before you get married?
Post # 4
sarals24: That’s exactly what I was going to ask.
OP, I think one of the reasons he’s not proposing is because he can get everything he wants without it. For example, you said that you don’t want children until you’re married, yet you’re planning on TTC in seven months. What you’re saying and what you’re doing are inconsistent, and because of that he knows that he doesn’t need to propose and marry you until he wants to, if he ever wants to.
To be clear, this isn’t just your fault, if ‘fault’ is even the correct word, but you can’t just look at him and wonder why he’s not proposing. You have to look at your actions, what you’ve said, and whether you’re paying attention to the reality of this relationship or if you’re focusing on how you want things to be.
Now, what does he say about when he wants to propose and get married? Have the two of you had any serious discussions about this where he gave specific answers to these questions?
Has he ever said he was going to propose and then failed to do it?
Post # 5
…so in 7 months when you get pregnant, are you going to give him a shotgun wedding ultimatum? Are you going to use the baby to guilt-trip him into eloping?
Do not agree to concieve a baby until that ring is on your finger!
Post # 6
Why did you agree to have a baby before getting married if it’s so important to you?
Post # 7
You know, some men think the whole acting like your married is good enough. They don’t realize that it’s important to be actually married. They think it’s good as is. Maybe talking to him about why it’s important to be married will be a good starting point. For me, my husband was convinced I wanted a diamond, so he kept delaying becuase he just didn’t have enough money to purchase .5 carat diamond. When I told him that I didn’t want or need a diamond he proposed a lot sooner when we picked out a ring together.
right now, he basically has everything without being married to you (I don’t mean that in a mean way) but he may not see the importance of it until you tell him. I had several sets of friends date for about the same time you and your boyfriend have been dating, get engaged and then move in together for the duration of the engagement period before marriage, not the other way around. Right now he’s got it all and he’s not married to you. I wouldn’t start trying to conceive until you have a ring on your finger and a wedding date set in stone.
I don’t think this is your fault at all, but you need him to understand your point of view, and I don’t think you’ve clearly stated that to him (or at least not from your post).
Post # 8
My SO and I have also talked about having kids, and when we are going to etc but he always seems to steer away from the wedding conversations, even though we have also discussed getting married before having children! I hope that your guy is just planning something, I would assume he would be since you have agreed to have children so soon… I think he must be going to surprise you, otherwise the timeframes don’t make sense! I am in a similar situation, together for 4 yrs and also living together (and also hate calling him my boyfriend lol). hang in there!! and let us know what happens.
Post # 9
Wait. …did you change your mind?
Post # 10
Did he tell u he wants to get you pregnant in 7 months? Those exact words? Or is it a hypothetical?
Post # 11
Hi everyone! I’ll try to answer to most of you…
I agree our situation is postive! I’m just mostly frustrated.
I saw something about a shotgun wedding? It’s seven months away until we’re going to try and get pregnant, possibly not being able to for a few months if we’re lucky, I’m fine with getting married while pregnant, and we have only an elopement or a siblings and parents and nieces and nephews only planned. There will be no shotgun wedding.
I’m not inconsistent except for this. It’s come to a point where I want to have a baby and that means a lot to me and right now is the perfect time. Why keep waiting? We’re both financially where we want and need to be, and in the future we have too many things planned to want to have a baby then.
We’re on the same page about everything… Except this is the only one I’m not sure about and I can’t say it isn’t because of poor communication on my part. He said I’m not allowed to ask about weddings because he wants to keep whatever proposal he does and whenever he does it all a surprise.
MonW: This date was all his idea. Originally I was content on waiting until we were turning thirty and he told me he thinks we should TTC at twenty-eight. I pushed it off until the Spring instead of this fall.
Anyways, thanks for all the kind and supportive words 🙂 This is more of just a vent and not really needing any advice. Like I said, we now have great communication 🙂 I’m just more into marriage and weddings than him I guess… Or else he’s going to really take me by surprise one of these days.
Post # 12
To a perfect stranger (me) it sounds as if you’re saying, “I won’t have a baby unless I’m married. So even though we’re not even engaged/talking/entertaining the idea of marriage, let’s plan to have a baby! So, we’ll HAVE to get married anyway! Because, I already told you I won’t have a baby unless I’m married.”
Sorry, but that’s exactly how you sound.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2015 - Bellagio, Las Vegas
I suppose I’m not understanding the thought process, either!
You should talk about marriage and proposal and set a timeline since you plan on TTC in 7 months. Don’t you think you deserve the peace of mind? Having something set before TTC would be the smart thing to do, especially since it correlates with your value system. By not discussing this issue with him, you are allowing him to discredit your value system. That doesn’t sit right with me.
I wish you all the best!
Post # 14
Do NOT TTC with the hopes of a wedding during pregnancy. Unless he’s brain damaged, he remembers what you told him about having kids before marriage.