My waiting vent

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through.

The good news is your situation sounds really positive! It seems like you guys do romantic things together constantly, doesn’t seem like you’re fighting over the engagement issue, and he’s clearly planning a future with you.

Sometimes girls’ situations sound kind of hopeless and I don’t know what to say, but in your case I think maybe some clear communication would help. You can maybe just tell him that you feel uncomfortable with where your relationship is at given how committed you guys are, and that it hurts and bothers you and makes it harder to enjoy the great things you do together. Especially since you’re TTC, ask him flat out “how much longer do you plan to wait before we get engaged or married?” and see what he says!

Post # 3
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Why are you planning on having a baby if you don’t want to have kids before you get married?

Post # 4
Member
1745 posts
Bumble bee

sarals24:  That’s exactly what I was going to ask.

OP, I think one of the reasons he’s not proposing is because he can get everything he wants without it. For example, you said that you don’t want children until you’re married, yet you’re planning on TTC in seven months. What you’re saying and what you’re doing are inconsistent, and because of that he knows that he doesn’t need to propose and marry you until he wants to, if he ever wants to. 

To be clear, this isn’t just your fault, if ‘fault’ is even the correct word, but you can’t just look at him and wonder why he’s not proposing. You have to look at your actions, what you’ve said, and whether you’re paying attention to the reality of this relationship or if you’re focusing on how you want things to be.

Now, what does he say about when he wants to propose and get married? Have the two of you had any serious discussions about this where he gave specific answers to these questions?

Has he ever said he was going to propose and then failed to do it? 

Post # 5
Member
314 posts
Helper bee

…so in 7 months when you get pregnant, are you going to give him a shotgun wedding ultimatum? Are you going to use the baby to guilt-trip him into eloping?

Do not agree to concieve a baby until that ring is on your finger!

Post # 6
Member
8701 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Why did you agree to have a baby before getting married if it’s so important to you?

Post # 7
Member
3527 posts
Sugar bee

You know, some men think the whole acting like your married is good enough. They don’t realize that it’s important to be actually married. They think it’s good as is. Maybe talking to him about why it’s important to be married will be a good starting point. For me, my husband was convinced I wanted a diamond, so he kept delaying becuase he just didn’t have enough money to purchase .5 carat diamond. When I told him that I didn’t want or need a diamond he proposed a lot sooner when we picked out a ring together.

right now, he basically has everything without being married to you (I don’t mean that in a mean way) but he may not see the importance of it until you tell him.  I had several sets of friends date for about the same time you and your boyfriend have been dating, get engaged and then move in together for the duration of the engagement period before marriage, not the other way around.  Right now he’s got it all and he’s not married to you.  I wouldn’t start trying to conceive until you have a ring on your finger and a wedding date set in stone.

I don’t think this is your fault at all, but you need him to understand your point of view, and I don’t think you’ve  clearly stated that to him (or at least not from your post).

Post # 8
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

My SO and I have also talked about having kids, and when we are going to etc but he always seems to steer away from the wedding conversations, even though we have also discussed getting married before having children! I hope that your guy is just planning something, I would assume he would be since you have agreed to have children so soon… I think he must be going to surprise you, otherwise the timeframes don’t make sense! I am in a similar situation, together for 4 yrs and also living together (and also hate calling him my boyfriend lol). hang in there!! and let us know what happens.

Post # 9
Member
1801 posts
Buzzing bee

Wait. …did you change your mind? 

Post # 10
Member
8 posts
Newbee

Did he tell u he wants to get you pregnant in 7 months? Those exact words? Or is it a hypothetical?

Post # 12
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

To a perfect stranger (me) it sounds as if you’re saying, “I won’t have a baby unless I’m married. So even though we’re not even engaged/talking/entertaining the idea of marriage, let’s plan to have a baby! So, we’ll HAVE to get married anyway! Because, I already told you I won’t have a baby unless I’m married.”

Sorry, but that’s exactly how you sound.

Post # 13
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Bellagio, Las Vegas

I suppose I’m not understanding the thought process, either!

You should talk about marriage and proposal and set a timeline since you plan on TTC in 7 months. Don’t you think you deserve the peace of mind? Having something set before TTC would be the smart thing to do, especially since it correlates with your value system. By not discussing this issue with him, you are allowing him to discredit your value system. That doesn’t sit right with me.

I wish you all the best!

Post # 14
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Do NOT TTC with the hopes of a wedding during pregnancy. Unless he’s brain damaged, he remembers what you told him about having kids before marriage.

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