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Our wedding day was beautiful. I was pretty laid back through planning in a short time (as we're both procrastinators), and everyone said it was the best wedding they'd ever been to. We got married at a beautiful Country Club in Northern California and we had a fantastic Jazz Band. It was classy and simple, no bridal parties. Our pictures were beautiful and the whole event went smoothly.
About a week before the wedding, my "sister" (she's my best friend and I've always called her my sister) made up with her boyfriend, who she'd been broken up with for a couple of months due to his being violent and self-destructive. She texted me a week before and said that they made up and if she could bring him...my response was as long as he doesn't destroy the venue.
Everyone was having a happy time at the wedding, and my sister was drunk but her bf seemed fine. When my husband and I were leaving the venue, we had to take a back road because there was an accident and police wouldn't let us through. The next morning as we were getting ready to go to brunch while I wondered why my sister hadn't called me back yet...we got the call from the police. The police were asking about alcohol etc....before finally telling us that my sister and her bf were the ones in the accident (less than a half mile from the venue). He was dead when they arrived and she was barely alive. All the police knew is that she had multiple surgeries and was alive. We rushed out of our hotel and went straight for the ICU. I was able to get in to see her, she was sedated. I got a hold of her family who had to come up from southern california and I gave them as much info on her condition as I could. My husband and I 86-ed our honey moon plans (good thing we are procrastinators because we hadn't bought it yet though we were planning on leaving the next day). Our first week of marriage was spent at the ICU with her family and younger sister. I went back to work immediately to save vacation time in hopes we could take a trip.
She barely made it....she's lucky to be alive and her recovery will be over a year.
Now that I'm relieved that she's alright, I am so angry by the fact that on our anniversary every year - this is what Iwill remember.
My wedding day was the most bittersweet (forget "bitter" part...lets just call it bad) day of my life and I don't want to always have such a negative association with the day we united.
We've talked about having a small private ceremony on our honeymoon, but we know it won't be the same as making those promises for the first time. This just leaves such a bad taste in our mouths and we've both been having trouble recovering from it. It was so bad, I suggested a divorce so that we could get married and have a different anniversary.
Any suggestions on how to focus on the "us" part of that day every year? What happened on our wedding day would be tragic on any day, but a tragedy on our wedding day is not the same as a random tragic Wednesday.
I've been really depressed about it. As a couple, we had been through a lot just to get to our wedding day and then to have it tainted with this memory, is just horrible.
I am so sorry you're going through this. Who would have thought an accident like this would possibly happen on the happiest day of your life. I wish I had an answer for you as to what to do. The only thing I can do is pray for you and your husband that God will comfort you and give you strength to deal with this. God bless you.
I am so sorry, this is truly tragic. I don't know what else to say except I'm so sorry.
I think that you should give yourself time to consider how you feel about this. It is horrible that this happened on your wedding day, but your sister also lived. It is very difficult for you to have any perspective on this right now, and I don't think you should expect your persective now to be the same a year from now or five years from now.
Enjoy married life, and the fact you have each other. Enjoy the fact you have your sister. Let some time go by. If in a year or two you still can't seperate your wedding from the accident, then you can consider whether to have a new ceremony, etc. I think things are very raw for you right now. The advice they often give people who lose a love one is to wait a year before embarking on any new, big projects, because grief and trauma like that can make you do things that you later think are crazy.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
I have no advice to offer.. just sympathy. I am so sorry this happened to you, and your "sister".
I just wanted to say I'm so incredibly sorry that this happened to you. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
This is tough no matter what you do or think because you can only guide yourself so much, but I would forget the bitter or the bad. Think about the greatsweet. Its GREAT she is alive. Its a miracle or a lucky break or whatever you believe in, but she is the lucky on in that accident.
Maybe BECAUSE it was your wedding day and how important she is to you she is alive.
Remember it as the day you were married and the day your best friend/sister lived.
Wow, I am really sorry to hear that. It's going to take a while to process your feelings on the situation and that's ok.
Maybe instead of focusing on the negative connotations of the day, you can focus on it being the day you made the commitment to sharing your life with your best friend and it's also the day your sister was given a second chance at life.
It's ok to think about the negatives of a situation soon after it happens but eventually you will need to figure out how to put the negatives behind you and focus on the positive (i.e. you're married and your sister is still alive and able to share in your married life). I strongly advise against getting a divorce and remarrying - that won't solve the underlying issue here as you will STILL always think about the day you first got married and the accident. You just need to process your emotions as they come and work through them.
Anger is part of the grief process - you've moved through the coping just to get by stage and have now moved into anger. This phase doesn't last terribly long and you will soon move into the acceptance phase. If you feel you need help working through it, by all means seek out someone to talk to. There is absolutely no shame in seeking professional help when dealing with a situation such as this.
I am so sorry that happened. I suggest seeing someone to talk to. Divorse and a new wedding day won't change anything, what happend will always be there BUT I promise you that that day will get easier as time goes by..There were times that I lossed very dear loved ones (one even at Christmas) and for a few years after that I was sad on that day, miserable even but as time passed that all changed. Now on those days I can find happiness. Maybe in years to come you will look back and have fond memories of him, feel thankfulness that your sister is still here and feel joy that you married your husband that day. Praying for comfort for you during this hard time..
Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers. In all honesty and as bad as it may sound, I am so happy it was him and not her. I didn't know him...I just met him the day before our wedding (she didn't even tell her other best friend and her little sister that they got back together because she knew that we all would disapprove...she only told me because had to since she wanted to bring him to the wedding) and so while it is sad, its no where near as painful as it would have been had he survived and she had been the one who died instead. Neither my husband and I feel responsible as a lot of bad decisions were made that night on their part that led to the accident. Let me just say that the guy driving turns out to have had no license and 3 DUI's...and he was driving the rental car under her name. My sister was too drunk to drive and she knew it and somehow thought he was okay to. - Like I said...a lot of decisions had to be made for this to happen...and none were mine or my husband's, so thankfully - we understan that this was not our fault.
It is extremely diffucult for my husband and me to separate the two events. Our wedding went really well...and I don't know how to describe it other than all that "we just got married" bliss hit that tree too. We were expecting to be happy and excited and slowly calm down and settle back down into our regular lives after the honeymoon...and the emotional toll that we had to pay to go from "yipee" to the ICU is completely impossible to describe.
Our day of celebrating is a day of mourning. I don't know if that is separate-able. I am so happy to have been able to make our promises to eachother and to be able to spend our lives together, but to be so happy and so sad on the same day are extremely conflicting emotions. Since the wedding I've looked back on a few things that day that I remember fondly and then the stream of consciousness goes from happy, to sad, to mad that I have to be happy & sad about it. And even if after time passes we can somehow ONLY CELEBRATE on the anniversary of this day instead of feel conflicted, we will always feel utterly robbed of our whole wedding experience. (As many of you know getting married is not just the wedding day...its the whole process and all of the emotions that come with it that we cannot replicate even if we were to get married again or do something drastic like divorce for the sake of remarrying) I actually didn't want a wedding. I just wanted to marry my husband. Its not like I feel the wedding was ruined so much as our experience of getting married was ruined. We woke up the next morning so excited, I cannot even describe it. We were both perfectly giddy and just trying to get out of the hotel room for breakfast and then the phone rings and I feel like I've been literally thrown off the highest builing on the planet because I'm crying like I've never cried before a mere seconds after I was jumping for joy. For such a drastic emotional change, I think you'd have to experience it yourself to understand.
We understand in our minds that we should separate these events...but we don't know how to do this in our hearts. This is so much easier said than done...because everytime we think of our wedding...our thoughts always end at the same place.
We talked about celebrating the day we got engaged instead...but it still feels - I don't know.
Separation comes with time. While the morning after your wedding will always have the memory of that phone call, you will slowly be able to remember your dances, your vows, your cake and ceremony and everything else, without associating it with this horrible accident. Give it more time, you're still grieving. Unfortunately there isn't really a "how" to the process, other than to wait and forgive and just keep going.
Give yourself time. I'm so sorry to hear of all of this. My thoughts are with you. Allow yourself time to go through these emotions. When your 1 year anniversary comes around, your sister will be done with recovery. As a pp said, that is the 1 year mark of your sisters miracle anniversary - the miracle that she's alive.
I think time is really the only thing that will make this better. A new date would only remind you that you had one before, and why you decided to change it. It would do nothing to help you get passed this.
Have you done any counseling after the accident? It might be helpful. Hopefully at some point you will be able to look back and remember all the amazing, happy things that happened that day. You married your husband, celebrated with family, and made vows that are always going to be with you.
@ittybitty27: I am so sorry to hear about all of this. That's really all I have to say, except that you are allowed let yourself grieve before deciding what to do.
I think this is the kind of thing that will take some time to get over, so you shouldn't put too much pressure on yourself right now. You will eventually be able to separate the two events, especially as your friend continues to heal. My sister got married 3 days before 9/11 and was on her honeymoon when the planes hit, I'm sure that put a damper on things at the time and during her anniversarries. But you just have to separate teh two events, yes something terrible happened but you also got married, so you can definitely celebrate.
I agree with @lefeymw:. It's sad that such a horrible thing happened on your wedding day and burst your newlywed hapiness bubble. But with time you will be able to separate them. And with time, you will be able to see it as the day your sister lived.
While my situation is nothing at all like yours, we had an occurrence that left a bad taste in my mouth about the wedding for a long time. Nobody was injured, killed or got into a horrible accident, but we did lose a few close friends. I couldn't look at wedding pictures, video, much less talk about the day without wanting to throw up. About 5 months have passed now, and I am finally getting to the point where I can look back and focus on the good times. I will naturally never forget what happened, but it is becoming better as time passes. Big hugs and best wishes to you as you and your husband move past this. Plan a memorable honeymoon with your husband, as I am sure this will help with the healing process. Good luck.
I would seek counseling even marital counseling bc this might affect how you relate to one another and it happened on your wedding.
@Mr.Smithsgirl: I am extremely lucky to say that while we maybe could use counseling to help us move past the negative connotations of our wedding, we are strengthened by this sad occurrence and don't feel like its affected our interaction with each other in a way that would require counseling.
@moderndaisy: 9/11 had nothing to do with her wedding. This happened less than half a mile from the venue as they were leaving. I don't think they are comparable in any way.
@Marriedandlovingit: I am glad to read a reply where it says that it did get better over time. I don't know what occurred on your wedding, but I'm glad it is beginning to pass for you. I don't actually care about the wedding day/date being tainted as much as the experience of getting married and all the fun exciting once in a lifetime feelings I was supposed to be having instead of grief and conflict. And so really I am more sad about the loss of that experience than the fact that it happened on our wedding day. We didn't get robbed of a wedding - since our wedding and reception was absolutely amazing. But we got robbed of our joy that is supposed to surround the experience.
To focus on the "us" part, perhaps there is another day in your relationship that you could celebrate as a happy occasion..perhaps the day he proposed, the day you first met, your first date, etc. If anything you have already been through "for better and for worse" and this is hopefully the worse thing that will happen, and you can think of how you were there for each other during this terrible time.
Based on your second post, in addition to your first post, I think you do need to look into speaking to a professional - for yourself, not your relationship. You are fixating on the negatives of this and seem to have a mindset that you're not going to work through this and it will never get better. That is not a healthy mentality to have. As I mentioned before, it's ok to grieve but your sister is not dead, she's still here and you need to work through your feelings on the matter so it doesn't destroy you inside. If you're saying you don't know how to separate the two events in your mind, then that is a sign you need some help working through it. And that's ok.
I feel as long as you continue to focus on the negatives and keep this mindset that it's always going to taint your memories of the day, you won't be able to work through this. I'm not trying to sound harsh, I'm just going off a bit of professional experience (I'm a social worker) and am saying exactly what I would say to any one of my clients who were going through a similar situation.
I also don't think moderndaisy's example was far off base either - no, 9/11 may not have affected her sister personally, but it was a tragedy on such a scale that it affected every single one of us, whether we knew anyone involved or not. And I'm sure it certainly did cast a pall over her wedding/honeymoon. I personally can't imagine being all lovey dovey sipping on margaritas and getting massages whilst knowing there is an unbelievable tragedy occurring back home. Your tragedy occured much closer to home, but on the flipside, it didn't affect millions of people. Regardless, I think she was just trying to illustrate the point that sometimes horrible things happen and eventually it will get better and the memories won't hurt forever.... in your case, especially because your sister is still here with you.
@Ree723: I was asking for suggestions on how to find a way to turn this around in our heads. But as far as you thinking the 9/11 example is not far off base... sorry, unless it happens to you don't talk about what you couldn't possibly understand. They are completely different. Yes, if I was on my honeymoon while this was happening, it would be sad and I would be concerned and praying for all the millions of people affected. I would be sympathetic. But it is still not the same as if it was happening to you and also, 9/11 had no connection to that wedding...it was just coincidence. If our wedding didn't happen, there would be no accident. I'm not trying, nor am I only trying to, focus on the negative, my point in the second post is that even when trying to focus on the positive, the day ends with that accident. Unless I can hit the stop button in my head before I get to the end of the playback, that will always be with me even after time passes. I also wrote the second response to explain that its not about the shallowness of my perfect wedding going bad that disturbs me and saddens me. Its the fact that the once in a lifetime group of emotions we were feeling were completely wiped away in an instant. I never said I wasn't thankful for the life that was spared in the tragedy. But now that she is recovering and I am no longer in fear for her life, this is the next step of the process for us. When we got the call, none of these thoughts were in our minds, just like a parent who sees their child in the middle of the street is not focusing on anger but worry and fear. But now that the hard part has passed, the child is no longer in the street, that's when the parents begin scolding the child whilst hugging them because they are grateful. I don't expect you to understand, but don't tell me I am ONLY focusing on the negative. I am not saying we feel nothing positive from that day. We are angry and happy and sad all at once. And I know that only time will heal it and the purpose of my posting here was that maybe someone would have suggestion that would be something we could do actively that could give us something to help it pass more quickly. Yes, I understand counseling may help, but that's not what I'm asking. Someone suggested something as simple as celebrating a different day -those are the kinds of suggestions I am looking for. Something light to help us pass time. You were extremely harsh and you could not possibly fathom what it is like to have a plethora of conflicting emotions regarding a day that should only carry one category of emotions.
I have zero tolerance for people who drink and drive so it'd be pretty easy for me to separate the events in my mind. I would mostly be thankful that they didn't kill or injure an innocent party. You could always think of it as a reminder that life is short and to cherish the time you have. You could also use that time to remember how thankful you are that your sister is still with you. If you still can't get past it, talk to a professional.
And 9/11 impacted millions of people in serious ways. People who didn't have loved ones killed were still treated for PTSD. 9/11 may not have affected you very much, but you don't know that it didn't cause serious pain for moderndaisy's sister. Coincidence or not.
@hisgoosiegirl: I never said 9/11 didn't affect me very much, it affected me quite drastically, actually. And maybe I don't know if this person's sister wasn't directly affected, but I think if they were, it would've been mentioned as that would be more similar to my situation. But 9/11 would have happened with or without their wedding...and it happened while they were on their honeymoon. And maybe the drunk guy would have killed himself some other way but at least I would have nothing to do with it if it happened some other way. I understand the correlation of their being something that dampens the mood...but it is absolutely not the same.
I think you need to talk to a professional. Maybe a grief counsellor who has experience in something like this because no one here will be able to talk you through your feelings.
It is still so recent, you will need time to heal.
I think divorcing and re-marrying just to have a different anniversary isn't exactly a good idea. It won't change anything. It doesn't erase your original memories of your wedding day and it certainly won't erase the memory of the accident. You will be reminded of all of that come October 15.
@ittybitty27: I still disagree. She didn't have to have a loved one die in 9/11 for it to have seriously affected her. Like I said, there were people not involved at all who were treated for PTSD. And your sister didn't die, so it's not like 10/15 is going to roll around and your family is split on being happy for you and mourning your sister. You can all celebrate your anniversary and that your sister is alive and well.
@hisgoosiegirl: and what about the guy who died? I may not have known him until the night before, and I may be glad it wasn't my sister...but he was just in front of my face and an hour later he was dead. You can disagree all you want, but it didn't happen to you. And so maybe to you they're the same...but they're not the same to me. I never said you were wrong, what I am saying is that you can't tell me that I should view them as the same just because you do. At the end of the day what everyone feels is completely unique to them - and they aren't the same to me. I would've preferred there being something unrelated to my wedding that caused this. 9/11 while horribly devastating and not something to be taken lightly, could in no way be viewed as their fault. I don't feel at fault for what happened, but it was related to my event and I'm sure that the guy's family is hating the fact that he went to my wedding. And that is what makes the two situations completely different to me. I'm not saying people weren't affected by 9/11. I'm saying that no one could ever even attempt to blame that couple for 9/11.
I think you are jumping to conclusions saying that they would blame you for his death or her being hurt. It was their actions that got them into that situtaion not your wedding.
I hope you can find a way to move past this and enjoy married life.
@pinkb: I don't think, nor do I know if they blame us for his death. I was just trying to illustrate my point as to why I feel like our situation is different from that of a couple who were on their honeymoon when 9/11 occurred. I think in time we can move on...hopefully we can finally take our honeymoon that was cancelled due to all of this. I'm looking forward to our trip to hopefully be able to focus on us for once since this happened. Because I spent our entire first month of marriage at the hospital every day either all day or after work once I went back to work, and it was almost 2 hrs in traffic to get to the hospital everyday after work. Our lives have been on hold and only now (that she is finally out of the hospital and home) are we able to live "normally" and reorganize our priorities to their usual places. I have to say its really hard to enjoy married life when the entirity of our marriage so far has revolved around everything but us. I don't think everyone reading this realizes that this wasn't just one day of our lives. It has occupied our entire first 2 months of marriage, so it really is hard to just move past something that up until a week ago (thats when she was allowed to go home) was still the present.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way, maybe you need to look into some counseling to help you move past this. Your sister is alive. You have a husband that loves you. You have your health, and were not killed or injured in a horrible car crash. Life is random and fragile. I think the time now should be spent not being bitter over the events of your day, but counting how very lucky you are to be alive and in love, because it can all be taken away without a moment's notice.
@KatyElle: thank you for saying it better than I can. I tried to mention that and must not have made it clear enough :P
@hisgoosiegirl: Nope you made it plenty clear! At some point you have a choice to keep wallowing over the past, or look forward to your future. And as we all know, you don't have much of a future if you're living in the past.
I'm with all the others who are recommending seeing a counselor to help you process your grief. It's understandable that your focus now is on doing something active so that your memories of your wedding day will be more positive/less complicated, but I think that may just be a part of your own grieving process. Unfortunately, nothing will change the facts of what happened. Talking to a counselor will help you come to terms with that. I'm not trying to be overly negative, but it sounds like you haven't had the opportunity to process your emotions surrounding what happened (particularly if you've been visiting the hospital regularly for two months, uncertain of whether your sister would even survive). I think that, given everything you and your family have been through, what you may need to do is talk to someone who will help you confront the emotions that you're struggling with. Then, once more time has passed, you and your husband may choose to celebrate your marriage on another day, with another ritual (maybe on your honeymoon). But right now, I agree with the other bees who say that time and counseling is your best medicine.
I hope your friend keeps getting stronger everyday!
Time has a way of healing things... I am so sorry that this happened. I think anyone would have difficulty dealing with the emotional fallout from this... Especially with the emotional 180 that occured... In the meantime, I would plan lots of fun activities to do as married couple - both as a way of shifting focus to the marriage (which was the part you were most excited about anyway) and providing distraction from that tragic day until time can do it's thing. You might also consider a private vow renewal on another day that is significant to you.
Hope you feel better.
When you marry, it is for better and for worse. This may be the first tragedy in you marriage but far from the last.
And some of those horrible things might happen on other important days.
If you prefer to celebrate on another day, do it on the dayOwen you met, or your first date, or your first kiss, etc.
And as much as you have this feeling that you were cheated a perfect wedding, well a marriage is about all the other days you are together, not just the first. People focus so much on their weddings, but it's really about the next 50+ years.
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