- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
This is the story of me and my wife Rose. Its long, so please set aside some time to read. Her parents are Martino and Caterina. Her mother is bipolar and her dad is a classic enabler. Both of them exude narcistic tendancies. They are very wealthy and materialistic and value their reputation and material goods above all else. They think because they have a lot of money, they are better than everyone else, and they have very serious control issues.
We met in university when we were both 21 around Christmas time. She had lots of negative experience with her mother harassing her friends and boyfriends, so she did not tell them about me initially, other than that I was a friend. It didnt take long for her mother to go through Her phone to get my phone number to start calling me and leaving me negative messages. Rose told me to just delete them and pay no attention to them, so I did.
The following summer, her family had a 2 week vacation/business trip in Mexico, where one of the hotel entertainers met and fell in “love” with their other daughter and actually proposed to her by the end of their stay. He was an older guy, and was a Muslim (her family is traditional Italian Roman Catholic) so Rose thought when she got back, it would be the perfect time to tell them about her relationship with me (my parents are Muslim but I consider myself an atheist) since they seemed to be very open minded with her sister.
When that happened, they lost their marbles and gave her the option to either leave me, or leave their house. She chose me, so they just kicked her out that day. I then went to go pick her up to bring her back to my house, and while waiting outside for her to gather her things, her mother came outside, got in my face, and started screaming her lungs off like a posessed lunatic. I didn’t react, and just pretended she wasn’t even there and waited for Rose to come out with her things.
She stayed with me for a few days while she was looking to get her life back on track. She found a room in a house to rent, and had to go to the bank to cash in a $10,000 gift her deceased grandmother left for her. The room didn’t work out, so within a week or two, she left and found an apartment closer to school with a roommate. Her roommate turned out to be a weirdo, so that’s when I suggested we just move in together in a different unit, and split our expenses. When my best friend found out, he suggested that the 3 of us get a 2 bedroom and split 3 ways, which is what we ended up doing.
Again, her parents got upset when they found out and her mother started calling even more, and even started calling my best friend and leaving him nasty messages. For the most part, we just laughed it off and ignored it, and focused on our own lives. They didn’t want anything to do with me, and I felt the same about them. However, Rose wanted everything to be OK with her parents, and usually went to their house, or their functions, even though she was treated like a piece of trash before, during, and after whatever event she went to alone.
Eventually, they decided to have me over for Christmas dinner and a New Years party one year. I was very uncomfortable, and afraid to say something they would hold against me, so I went and pretty much just kept my mouth shut and tried not to offend anyone. They were nice to me during the events, however after new years, her mother started calling me and leaving even more nasty messages, insulting everything and anything. At this point, I had given up on having a relationship with them, and focused on Rose. Rose actually still wanted to have a relationship with them, and I wasn’t going to stop her, so throughout the years, she kept attending their functions and trips alone hoping things would get better, and I was supportive and encouraged her to try and make things better.
Once we finished school, I decided to move back home to save some money, and Rose decided to do the same. Even before this, she had tried moving back home, but that only lasted a couple days before the verbal and physical abuse was too much to handle. Not surprisingly, it didn’t last too long, and she came back and moved with me in my parents basement. All throughout this time, her mother was calling and harassing us, and even called my parents house in the wee hours of the morning.
Marriage was something that was in the back of our minds, but hard to talk about because her parents never took our relationship seriously. Rose wanted to have a church wedding and have her father walk her down the aisle, which was unfathomable at the time. My parents suggested that we could go “back home” and have a wedding there, since realistically its near impossible for any of my family members to leave the country and attend a wedding in Canada. Her mother had left some nasty messages stating more less giving her “permission” for us to get married, and it was our way of showing them that we were serious.
We didn’t tell them about our plan, and just left to go away for 3 weeks. The first week was spent seeing members of my family and planning for the wedding. We had our ceremony during the second week, and although we only had limited time, everything went smoothly in the planning process. My parents respected our wishes, and didn’t force anything on us. They paid for the whole wedding and our trip and didn’t complain once. In order to make the ceremony official, Rose would have had to either convert, or attend a course, which she didnt. It was a beautiful ceremony and to this day, Rose’s parents have given us grief for doing it, and constantly try and deny it ever happened by insulting my family that they didn’t pay anything for our wedding here.”
When we got back, they were furious and definitely let us know. They tried playing the victim, stating that my mother took the experience of buying a wedding dress for her daughter. They did not take any accountability for their actions and just tried blaming us for running away and having a ceremony without telling them.
A year later, we had saved up enough money from working, and from our gifts from our first wedding, and purchased our first home together. We just had our ceremony a year earlier, so we thought it would be better to buy a condo while prices were good, instead of having another wedding back in Canada. Throughout our relationship, her mother constantly insulted everything about us, including our living arrangement. She has never seen any of our homes and it didn’t stop when we got our condo. She gave us her two cents and would constantly insult us to anyone and everyone who would listen to her. We did everything despite the fact that her parents did not support us emotionally or financially, and the better we did, the more they hated.
A few years after the purchase, once we finally got settled and in a routine where we were comfortable and had some more money saved, we decided that we were in a position to have a wedding. Since we realized that her parents were not going to be supportive, we decided to just throw our own small wedding and invite them as guests and see how that goes. We went and picked a venue and date, and started telling people about our plan. One of Rose’s aunts decided to talk some sense into their parents, and surprisingly, they were on board, and actually wanted to be involved in planning it. Both of us were very hesitant, but decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, but also because they are they type of people who would twist it on us, if they didn’t get their way. That was the biggest mistake we ever made!!!!
They decided to take over everything, and didn’t care about what we wanted. They immediately changed the venue, size and date, and we just agreed to it to show them we aren’t bad people, and wanted them to invite their friends to the event. They wanted to hold it at the hall that the perform all their functions over the years, go from 100 guests to 300, and move the date to the following year so we can do it at their church. We didn’t talk about money, other than the fact that we both didn’t want my parents to pay for anything because they have done so much for us throughout our relationship. We had some money saved, so we stepped up and told them that we would be happy to pay instead.
After such good news, we thought finally everything was coming together, but in fact, things went downhill from there.
They didn’t like the engagement ring that she had, so they railroaded me to buy another one for her. I was told that her dad was going to China and he could get me a nice one at a reasonable price. I went along with it to make them happy and told him that I had about $5000 that I could spend on it. Well 2-3 weeks later, he gets back with one that cost nearly double. I didn’t see the ring before, nor had I known the cost of it, but he got back and told me I needed to pay him back right away. That really stretched me and I ended up incurring NSF’s because of the surprise cost and timing of the incident. This was a warning sign of things to come…
They decided to pick everything themselves and when we disagreed, we were either “ungrateful”, “disrespectful”, or “we just didn’t know better” to put it nicely. They went alone and picked the hall and got ideas for the dinner menu. They wanted to go all out with the meal and didn’t respect us to give us a say because they were “paying for it” but after it was all said and done, they decided that they were spending so much elsewhere (wedding shower, luncheon, rehearsal dinner, etc…), didn’t want to pay for it and dropped it on us. I didn’t argue, partly because its impossible to negotiate with these people, and also because I didn’t want to hold it over our heads for the rest of our lives. Before the wedding, I called the hall to see the costs and what was selected, and they told me they had a lot of ideas but it wasn’t finalized. I tried reaching out to her dad to get a say in the menu, since we agreed to pay the costs after the fact, but he told me it was all picked months ago and shut me out completely
They had seen a photographer at a wedding they just attended, and wanted to pick him. Unfortunately, he wanted $11,000 for photo and video, which we said was too expensive and for them not to spend that much. Caterina really wanted him, and they got us to agree to split it with them so that we were paying $5500 each. We already had another photographer in mind, but unfortunately they weren’t good enough for her parents so we had to go with him. Eventually, they tried dumping the whole photography bill on us because they decided they didnt want him anymore. Instead of telling us this, they tried telling me that we had agreed to pay for it in a made up conversation. When they realized we werent going to be bullied to pay for their share, her dad went behind her mom’s back, and paid and told everyone to keep quiet and not tell Caterina because he was “keeping the peace” and she would go off if she found out.
We had seen all the stress involved in how they plan events, and we didn’t want them to put themselves or us through it. They wanted to throw Rose a wedding shower, and even though we insisted they not do it, they didn’t care. Again we were ungrateful. They threw the shower anyways, spared no expense, and according to them, spent $30,000 of their own money on it. They had collected $17,000 for us, but insisted on taking $10,000 to put as a down payment on the hall, and leave us with the rest for our honeymoon. This itself wasn’t a problem, except for the fact that they didn’t tell us about this plan until after the event was over and we were going through the gifts. Rose was upset because they didn’t communicate this to us, and it shows that they don’t trust us, but I told Rose its not that big of a deal and to just give them the deposit to keep things peaceful.
Her dad wanted to plan and throw a stag for me, and although I didn’t want it, I just agreed because its easier than fighting with them. I actually told him twice to cancel it long before the event, but he just didn’t really listen, and was proceeding anyways. I just went along with it anyways just counting down the days for all the stuff to be over with. He wanted my best man to help him, but he was busy planning a bachelor party for me in Cuba, where he wouldn’t allow me to pay for anything. I didn’t want him to do any more since he’s busy as a criminal defense lawyer and busy as is, so I offered the help of another of my good friends, which he refused stating everything was done.When more disrespect issues came up right before the stag, I told him to cancel it, and he threatened me with a $7500 bill if I didn’t proceed. He kept pushing for lots of expensive large ticket items as prizes and Rose and I kept telling him we have lots of stuff. I had gotten lots of licensed sports apparel and autographed memorabilia which I either got for free as donations, or paid less than 50% with all the discounts. I spent about $800 for $2500 worth of prizes. He had just went and bought things at full price, he had picked the top of the line dinner and drink menu for the hall without consulting me, he picked all the stag entertainment and spent more than he should have in every aspect and was more interested in impressing his friends than having a successful stag for me.
They did a lot of other things including:-Throwing money in our face at every chance they got. They would always tell us how much they we paying and complaining, even though we didn’t ask for any of it.-Threatening to steal our wedding gifts many times, also threatening to let us keep our friends envelopes, and they keep all their friends envelopes for themselves. -Changing our baker that we were going to get our cake from-Changing our colour scheme from fall colours, to pastels-Bought a dress for $9200 but lied to everyone telling them they paid $15,000-Hiring a DJ and a band (which didn’t play any of the songs that we wanted or music that my parents wanted) -Picked our invitations, and included a poem that was very morbid that we disagreed to (which let to physical and emotional abuse)-Picked all the decorations and lighting to their specifications without taking our concerns into consideration -Decided on 300 guests for the wedding (75 for us, 75 for my parents, and 150 for them), but decided to send out almost 400 invitations without telling us they were adding more guests. We ended up with about 330 confirmed people at the day. -Called Rose a “fucking cunt” in the church at the church rehearsal in from of family and out of town guests. Her dad justifies it saying Caterina says that “out of love”-Wanted to throw a rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding, as well as a luncheon the afternoon between the ceremony and reception. However they did not want any of our friends there. This was just for them and their family and guests. If we asked for a few more slots, they would go off the handle.-Cancelling my 30th birthday cake for the rehearsal dinner which is what they had as their surprise for me. They made my parents get a cake last minute, and decided to present the original cake during the reception the next night for Caterina’s fathers 75th birthday (which we had already celebrated 1.5 weeks earlier). To add insult to injury, the cake wasn’t big enough for everyone there, so they decided to only serve it to their guests.
The day of the wedding, I made some jokes in my vows, but didn’t mention any of the negativity that we experienced in almost 9 years from their parents. Caterina took huge offense over my jokes and cancelled all the surprises they had planned for that date for us. She pulled so many shady maneuvers during the day, including making an ass of herself at the salon at 4am for the bridal party, and going home and calling them non-stop because she couldn’t understand why there was a premium charged for that day. Despite all their best efforts, we tried not to let their negativity ruin our day. At the end of the night when everyone left, I tried hugging and thanking her family. Her dad hugged me and told me to take care of her. When I went to hug her mother, she just turned around and told me to get away from her. Rose saw this and this got her really upset.
I didn’t care, and expected it, so I just went and waited outside for the limo to take us back to the suite. Rose came and sat with me, and that’s when her sister came up to us and said that we couldn’t take the envelopes with us because of liability issues. She said they will be going with security at 11am the next day and bringing it and we would open them and settle the remainder of the hall before we left on our honeymoon later in the afternoon. That never happened.
The next day, they sent one of her fathers workers to come and take back the jewelery they bought for her for her wedding as well as the dress. They said they would come to our condo and go over the envelopes, but that was a lie. Everything had already been opened at that point, and they changed their story and said that my parents would have to go the next day and go over them and settle the hall bill. We couldn’t do anything because we were leaving for our honeymoon, so before we left, Rose went back to her parents to say goodbye, and they were crying hysterically. They kept telling her “no matter what, we will always love you” and “she will always be part of ‘our’ family” and that it “wasnt too late to leave me.” Looking back now, they were preparing to steal everything, and wanted to get in her head and turn her against me and put all the blame on me. Even her aunt had given us our wedding gift the Wednesday church rehearsal, because she knew something was going down.
When my parents had gone there the next day, Martino just spent 2 hours cursing like a sailor, while his wife was “sick” upstairs, talking negatively about me and his own daughter. He told my parents that Rose was ready to leave me after the wedding and so on and so forth. My parents know better, and instead of arguing, they just sat there and allowed him to vent. They got a bag of envelopes, but it was only most (not all) of the guests from “our” side. They claimed they opened some by accident because they didn’t know who had sent them, but in fact, every single envelope was ripped apart. They returned 49 total, but they had still kept about 10 envelopes from our other guests, and they kept all of their guests envelopes. They even went so far as to go to the guests who wrote cheques in our name and got them to rewrite it to Martino.
When we got back, and found this out, I wasn’t surprised. They had threatened us so much and quite frankly, I didn’t even expect them to return anything, so it was better than I had expected. It however devastated Rose. She couldn’t believe her parents would do this to her and this is the only time that I have ever seen her mad at her parents to the point that she does not want to even speak with them. Her parents don’t want anything to do with me and they expect everything to be fine with Rose, but that is just ludicrous considering what they did to us. Her parents expect things to be like they were before they got involved in the wedding. We haven’t spoken to them and want nothing to do with them anymore because it is clear they don’t care about anything other than themselves.
This was 3 months ago and we still havent heard from them. They still have all the cards and gifts. Her family knows the truth, but do not want to get involved for their own reasons. Her mom and dad are lying to people and telling fabricated stories about me. They claim I’ve begged them for money to buy a condo and such, and because I was told not to tell people of our living arrangements when meeting their guests. Some of them know her family is full of shit, but most do not.
We are at a point where we do not want anything to do with them, and calling the police is a serious option now. What they did is fraud and theft plain and simple. We are better off without them, and they only bring negativity and drama in our lives. I cant fathom allowing my kids near these people for fear they will pollute their minds or instill their beliefs on them and make our lives more difficult; and enjoy any misery we go through.
We reached out to the Dr. Phil show, but her parents were not interested in solving these problems; probably because they realize what they did was wrong and cant bear to let people know how they really are behind closed doors.