Post # 1
The title says it all. The main reason we chose not to elope was because I felt like I may regret not having the full bridal experience…now I’m regretting going through with this! I want to marry FI but I’m so tired of all the judgemental bs from my parents just because they got married over 30 years ago and things are different. It’s so bad that I purposely try not to let them know what’s going on because I know there’s going to be judgement about what they think is too unorthodox/tacky.
- Yes the groom and groomsmen are wearing vests instead of jackets
- Yes I’m wearing flats (gladiators)
- No we aren’t having paper wedding programs
- No we aren’t having any unity ceremony or singer
- No we aren’t doing favors
- Yes my sister (MOH) is doing my updo
The list of things they are judging me on is a mile long, so this is only an excerpt. But basically I’m feeling like going through with this was a mistake but now I’m stuck because we are so close! Does anybody else ever feel the same way? What have people judged you on?
Post # 3
@Galang_Gyal: First of all, congratulations on your upcoming wedding!
Now – hear this – 🙂 – STOP, right this minute, worrying or caring or being concerned in any way whatsoever with what anyone else will judge or criticize you for.
One of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned in my entire life is this – Never allow anyone else’s opinion matter to you more than your own. Repeat – If you think it’s OK for your wedding, then it is perfectly OK. It is perfectly perfect.
This is not about them. It’s about you and your husband. Smile, enjoy your day and get free of worrying about anyone else’s opinion or judgment.
It’s one of the most freeing things anyone can ever learn in life. It’s called “healthy selfishness.” 🙂
Post # 4
Wow those are all fairly normal things… I’m sorry they’re giving you such a hard time. We had a lot of judgment for seeing each other before the ceremony and even for having both of my parents walk me down the aisle (what?!) along with tons of other smaller things.
It bothered me before the wedding and I was worried about it going into my wedding day. Then, I saw DH for our first look and I forgot about everything I was worried about. I just didn’t care what people thought because I was insanely happy to be marrying him.
Post # 5
@Galang_Gyal: Wow, I can so relate. I’m only 14 months away so I’m sure there’s more to come. My mother (and a little bit my sister/MOH) is the only one judging, but that hurts the most! She is embarrassed that we want to have a buffet. She is insisting that we have a morning after brunch for everyone. She wants giant centerpieces, I want simple ones (honestly, FI and I are grad students, we’re counting on our parents for everything, his mom is giving us a certain amount of money, which we are using towards flowers and our honeymoon, so I don’t want to blow it all on flowers! who even remembers wedding flowers?), she said they “won’t fill out the table enough.” I am lactose intolerant and don’t really want to be taking a lactaid during my cake cutting, so I found a baker who will make a dairy-free cake, and she is all up and arms that the guests won’t like dairy free cake. Honestly, I bake vegan cupcakes all the time and they are amazing. I am so hurt that she would say that, that she cares more about the guests than me.
That’s what her deal is all about. She has always been like this. My mom has been there for me when it isn’t affecting what other people think of her, but when it comes to other people she will just drop everything, including me and my sisters, for them. She’ll do anything to please them and freak out the whole time that they’re talking behind her back. It makes me mad that she has this problem and it affects me the way it does but it helps to step back, notice it, and then try to watch my own behavior and make sure I don’t do the same thing (because sometimes I do that! Although not as much as her)
I guess for me the lesson has been to be assertive and stick up for myself. FI has helped so much. We have this whole joke that he’s a groomzilla and he’ll say anything to get what he wants. Since he’s not my mom’s child she feels the need to impress him too (he got her to give in to the buffet!) I can’t say this to her face (maybe I should…) but IT’S NOT HER WEDDING! We’re getting there.
Anyways, it will all be okay. I don’t know if you’ve already tried this, but maybe you can sit your parents down and explain to them that you did this so they could be there on your special day and be a part of it, and that you would really just like their support. Their opinions are useless at this point and you really just need their support through the wedding. They should be proud of all the work you put into it.
Also, I’m wearing flats and I don’t see the big deal. I’ve never even heard of that being a faux pas! Oy.
Post # 6
@Sunfire: +1! Great advice!
Post # 7
@Sunfire: Omg I so needed to hear this! You’re so right, I know I have issues with always wanting my parents to be proud of me so sometimes if they put down my plans/opinions I feel like they are putting ME down. But you are so correct I’ve got to let that go. I think I’m making strides considering the fact that I’m still going through with all my ideas, because a few years ago I probably would have just said okay and done what my parents want. But I haven’t totally arrived yet…I’ll continue working on it.
@MrsBeck: Awww! That’s refreshing that all your worries disappeared when you saw him. Everytime I think about the bottom line, that I’m marrying my man it helps me feel a little better.
@nawella: I feel like we have the same exact story! We also were relying on family to help financially and that has probably been a contributing factor in their judgement. And my mom is also a huge people pleaser, and unfortunately it’s rubbed off on me. Except I recognize it and try not to travel that path (I still struggle when it comes to pleasing my parents though). She’s also a big worrier which has also rubbed off on me and I’m working on unlearning that as well. And then anytime I try to get my dad to mediate
Post # 8
@nawella: Sorry post got cut off lol, but when I try to get my dad to mediate because he recognizes that she’s too worried about other people’s opinions and then puts that on me, he always acts like I need to just deal with it because she “just wants me to have a nice day.” But at what expense? At making me want to further alienate her because she’s so difficult? It’s just frustrating how they won’t take responsibility for any of the stuff they try to put on my shoulders.
Post # 9
@Galang_Gyal: I’m sorry you’re catching flack from your parents :-/ I think change weirds out alot of people, especially when it comes to weddings.
Our wedding planning is still underground, but I promise we will get more than our fair share of commentary on various “unorthodox/tacky” elements.
This article, no matter how mainstream or out-there you are, makes me feel better 🙂 I have it saved as a favorite:
Post # 10
@Galang_Gyal: OMG that is so my parents too! Dad always sides with mom! It’s because he knows if he sides with me he’ll be in the doghouse. Yeah I definitely feel that too, they keep saying to me “We just want you to have the day you want and we want to make sure you’re happy” and I’m like “Really? You care if I’m happy?” Wow sorry that dad isn’t helping you out there. Does FI help you at all? Somehow my FI is often able to mitigate circumstances, my mom can’t talk to me that way in front of him (for the most part)
I’ve basically started having this wedding motto of DO WHAT YOU WANT! because otherwise I don’t think I’ll be able to let go of my mother’s behavior. And I think it’s working! I hope that you can find some comfort in everyone’s advice and feel great on your wedding day! Just think of you soon-to-be husband and how happy you’ll be together and enjoy the day as best you can! I know it’s hard to let go. The other thing I do is just laugh about it. It’s a little insane but humor seems to be a good way to deal for me. Making fun of my mom, who I love, to myself or with my FI, is not very nice but it’s a lot nicer than feeling awful or getting in a fight with her. I’m also entertaining going to therapy to deal with my issues of my mom, maybe learn to be more assertive and learn to let go more, although I realize that’s not a helpful option for you since your wedding is so soon, but maybe if it’s something that continues to affect your life .
Most of all congratulations, good luck, and have a wonderful wedding day!
Post # 11
Can you try not talking about the details with others? It’s late in the game now anyway, there is no need for you to even discuss these things with anybody but your fiancee or DOC. Anyway, it will soon be in the past! Try to enjoy it 🙂
Happy wedding day!
Post # 12
People are always going to find something to judge. Weddings are incredibly personal, and I love that you have your personality (and your FI’s) infused into your wedding.
When I was planning a wedding last year (long story – postponed it, briefly broke up, and then eloped a month ago), I had so much stress from certain members of my family. My mom and step dad were so cool and laid back (and ironically they were the ones who gave us some money towards the wedding). Their biggest request was that if we had room on our guest list, could we please invite my step dad’s sister? Haha, that was EASY – and I really like her. My dad (who I rarely talk to) and his family were nuts. We were planning on bamboo silverware and recycled plates, and they kept telling me how awful that would be, and tacky, and I *must have* actual plates and glasses. Then they went on about flowers. I finally said “show me the money”. That (briefly) shut them up. I got a lot of flack b/c we were not getting married in the Catholic Church – well, duh, my partner isn’t Catholic, we’re both divorced, and I do not consider myself Catholic. I started to feel like every time I turned around, there was something else to criticize, and I couldn’t win. My mom told me that there was no way that I could please everyone, so I should just focus on what we wanted as a couple.
And then we got flack for eloping. I just kept it simple and explained it was what worked best for the two of us and we have no regrets. Then changed the subject. Your wedding day will be beautiful and special – and as my mom said, you can’t please everyone. Do what what works for you two and if others are happy, GREAT! If they’re not, it’s not their wedding or their marriage.
Post # 13
@badabing88: Thank you for that link, that was awesome!! I never thought of looking at it that way. I’m going to bookmark that as well and whip out my phone these next couple of days if I need to reread it. I might even send it to my mom!
@nawella: FI helps in a moral support type of way, but since we are LDR he can’t really be there to defend my honor in the midst of the situation. Thanks for the advice! And you’re right about the humor thing. Last night after I had another blow up with my parents about the vests, I just started thinking about how laughable this all is. I mean, really? Vests!? Is that really that serious of an issue? And my dad kept stressing the point that he doesn’t want me to look back and regret that the guys didn’t wear jackets…wth? Lol its ridiculous and despite my frustration I’m starting to see how trivial their concerns are.
Post # 14
It’s your wedding. Do whatever makes you effing happy.
Screw what anyone else thinks, there will always be someone to find something to complain about. Make sure you have the time of your life.
Post # 15
@PumpkinCheesecake: Good point! I guess since we have only been planning for 3 months and my parents did help in different ways, I felt like I had to answer their questions. But yeah I didn’t even think of it that way, they really don’t need to know! Thanks 🙂
@MsLobizon: Congrats on doing things your way! And you’re so right it’s not their wedding! Thanks
Post # 16
@musician32992: Truth! Thank you for that