Post # 1
I got married almost 2 months ago and haven’t spoken to my in-laws since. We used to talk all the time but just before the wedding, my MIL got demanding, I got stressed and just backed off to get space. My soon to be sister-in-law called my now husband to yell and at the wedding, she freaked on other family members and caused a scene. My MIL came to my sister in laws defence and quite frankly, I can’t condone it. I don’t know what to say because I feel I should just shut up and back off but at the same time, I’m hurt and they acted inappropriately. RRR. It’s nuts and I know she is hurting but the very idea of speaking to her makes me ill but so does not speaking to her – help!
Post # 3
It seems like a little time and space might be needed to heal this, but in time I think you should make a move to rebuild the relationship if they don’t make a move first. They will be your family for the rest of your life!
Sorry this happened to you all
Post # 4
I disagree with PP about not moving first. Sadly, you are the outsider in the family because she is defending her daughter. It doesnt mean it is right, but what it means is you should make the first move. (imagine if you were in some problem situation with your sister and a friend or mom and a friend,..)
Rarely are things one sided and I dont know the back story here. What was she freaking on? was it a misunderstanding? did she feel slighted because you backed off those last couple of weeks? etc.
Think hard about the situation for both the SIL and MIL and see if there is something you can bring up and either apologize or explain to them why it was why it was.
At the same time you can bring up that you are hurt and why and explain it so they can see it from your side. Hopefully, maybe, you can begin a relationship again.
Remember, there are 3 sides to ever story, your side, their side and the truth. What this means is that every person involved is coming from a different perspective and set of facts.
Post # 5
@leoinTO: Ugh. It’s funny how weddings are meant to bring people together but often do the opposite!
Hang in there. If I were you, I’d get your husband to approach your MIL… yeah they’re technically your family now, but maybe he can talk some sense into her since he has known her his whole life.
Post # 6
@ThreeMeers: I didn’t mean to confront her or anything, I simply meant to start talking to them in a few months, if they haven’t started talking to her first, just in general, not about the conflict. I feel like when you first enter a family, if you choose to hold a grudge at the beginning, you will end up having a bad relationship after that. I have a cousin whose wife was not quite liked in the beginning, and because she never made an effort, the older generation of aunts (and grandparents) etc have never given her another chance, and she’s never tried for one. I believe in being the bigger person, so if it were me, I’d make at least some effort, and if I got shot down THEN back off and give up.
ETA: I need to learn to use less commas! sorry!
Post # 7
@MrsNerdy: Oh I get it now. OK then. I kinda agree. I still think she should make a fist move ASAP. The longer she waits the worse it looks, for right or wrong
“Leoin is so inconsiderate. She hasnt called in X weeks”
“I am so surprised she hasnt called to explain what XYZ happened which caused SIL to do XYZ”
Post # 8
Yes I know I should probably call and say something. My SIL freaked because she couldn’t find me on Facebook! It was so silly. I was super busy with work and life got hectic and I stepped off. SIL wanted to post a message, couldn’t find me and freaked. Now I should let you know that she is 34 and I’m older. So ridiculous. I called right away to explain I was off for a while because life is hectic and it was a distraction. I was crying on the phone because I was so emotional. She still told me I should have contacted her first (by the way – I really have no relationship with her).
She then shows up to our rehearsal dinner several hours late in a snake skin hooker outfit and the next day, she wears something inappropriate, her boyfriend wore jeans and they took off early from our wedding so they could party at a club. At our reception while one of my friends was giving a speech, she marched across the floor and told her aunt (75) to wipe that look of her face it and behave appriately. the only one being inappropriate was the SIL and yet my MIL is so protective of her, I really feel like I can’t say anything. Just talking about the weather and other stuff seems so fake to me when this is really bothering me.
Post # 9
It’s only been 2 months since your wedding. It took about 2 months for me to get off my butt and call my in-laws again. Invite them over for dinner. Nothing is ruined. They’re just allowing you time and space as newlyweds.
As for the SIL, parents will always defend their children, even it their behavior looks insane to others. Let it slide and don’t bring it up with them.
What are you waiting for? Pick up the phone.
Post # 10
@mrslittlefish: I agree with you… I think sometimes the conflict can escalate if we let it and especially when we ruminate about it! Just breathe, call your MIL and go do something superficial. You don’t have to talk about this, you don’t have to have a resolution to each disagreement. It’s okay to just forgive and move on without having that ‘talk’!
Post # 11
@mrslittlefish: agreed also – good advice 🙂
Post # 12
Thanks everyone. I know what I must do.