In the course of 5 months, I've changed my mind 3 times on what I wanted for my wedding. First, just the traditional shebang.. then I realized I wanted something more intimate and nicer. So, it switched to a DW a couple hours away in a gorgeous beach house just for our close friends & family. I liked the idea of really spoiling our close ones versus an average celebration with a lot of people that I hardly see.
Well then the family/guest list drama began. I have gotten so frustrated with it that I haven't been excited about it in a month. I find myself daydreaming about eloping, looking up elopement recaps, etc. To the point that I have a venue in mind.
Dunton Hot Springs. It is a mining ghost town that was fully restored. It's an all-inclusive luxury resort with fresh, local meals, wine from their own vineyards, and a ton of activites. I'm in love!!
And they have an open air chapel by a waterfall! Plus Colorado allows self-uniting ceremonies. I keep imagining just us two, marrying each other in this picturesque setting. SWOON!
Well, I bring this us to him last night.. I show him the entire town and he LOVES it. Then I get to the pictue of the chapel and say.. I want to elope there. He gets mad saying "You don't know what you want!" and then shuts down. I know he's frustrated with my changing ideas but this feels right. I've been making a downward trend all along by reducing the wedding size. I think I'm getting over the idea of the wedding I've been planning all my life and more focused on the marriage.
I have priced it, flights, etc and we would have enough to do this and spend $1500 on a casual at-home bbq reception. My mom even said "go for it". I know she'll be a little disappointed but I think having a at home reception will smooth it over.
What should I do to convince him this is right? I am admittedly a tiny bit flighty so how do I know if what I'm doing is right?
Have you asked him what he wants?
take a week or 2 off from wedding planning. After that come back and look at your plans and decide if it's still something you want. Also, it's not just your wedding, so you have to take your FI's preferences into account. If he doesn't want to elope, you should respect that.
Those pictures are so gorgeous! I would def. go the eloping route, how romantic! And honestly, think about how beautiful your pictures would be. And you can avoid all the stress of a big wedding! Does your FI have a vision of what he thinks the wedding should be like?
@irishphoenix: He intially wanted a big wedding. I asked why and he said "Weddings look stupid with a few people there."
Great answer, Einstein! ;) He doesn't seem to have a "vision".
@VAwife: I don't think that he doesn't want to elope, I think he's just frustrated with the changes. Good idea about taking a break. I should wait around and see how I feel to make sure.
@Miss Country Chick: As far as his vision, he makes inconsistent comments. One day (after his grandfather jokingly offered us 2500 to elope to Vegas), he was like "Eloping would be the way". Then other times he mentioned how he would have to have a large wedding to include everyone. I don't think he knows.
I don't know what to tell you, it sounds like you and FI need to have a serious talk about it. If you say you can be flighty, I understand his frustration, and I am sure you know that once money is put down somewhere, you CAN'T change your mind anymore. Give yourself some more time, make a pro/con list of both options, show it to FI. Then try to squeeze a straight answer out of him as far as what he wants.
I don't think this poll on the bee is going to help the situation much, we can oooohhh and ahhhh over the pretty venue, but it's you and your FI's marriage, and it has to represent what you two want as a couple.
I like the idea of taking a break from planning. Then in a couple of weeks sit down together and come up with a list of what is important to you especially the budget and guest list #'s, then go from there. Try to remember it's supposed to be fun, it is that you are marrying your best friend in the world that is most important, the rest is just a blur of a day-a very expensive day. lol.
I can understand his frustration, to be honest. It doesn't sound like you know what you want. And, it's important to figure out what he wants, too.
Yes, those pictures are lovely. But eloping is a big, and permanant, decision. I don't think eloping is the right way to go unless both parties are 150% sure, since it's bound to cause some hurt feelings in both families.
I think you've already heard great advice from PPs. Take a few weeks off from thinking about it and tell your FI that you need to have a nice date night dinner to discuss it seriously in a few weeks, when you've both had time to figure out what you each want. Then, hash it out and come to some kind of agreement. May be easier to say than do, but that's what is fair.
Stick with the DW... That place is amazing, and it would be such a great opportunity to really celebrate with people close to you. An at-home reception won't have the same feel to it!
I have a friend who eloped, and regretted it hardcore afterward.... she missed out on dad walking her down the aisle, the whole "first look" experience, the fanfare and beauty of the day, the first dance as husband and wife while being surrounded by people that love them, father-daughter dance, etc. She is planning on a "vow renewal" to have a more traditional wedding so she can experience all that, but she herself has said planning it just doesnt have the same feel and excitement, and she knows the day just wont be the same as if it was their original wedding.
Every wedding, I feel, has guest list drama. It's inevitable. But you can do your best, and explain your reasoning for choosing the guest list like you did. They will understand! But dealing with the guest list will be a small price to pay for such a beautiful memory!
@sweetdee522: Sounds like he has a vision, but you just disagree with it and with why he wants it.
Can you compromise? DW at Dunton Hot Springs? Keep the list small so it's in between what you want and what he wants.
I second the PP's suggestion to take 2 weeks off, too.
On further consideration, I think you should stick with your more recent DW plans and leave Dunton Springs to a later date (perhaps an anniversary or something).
As mrskopp2be suggested, I went to the Dunton Springs website to see if a DW there is possible, but with cabins at $1000+ a night, I don't think that's a fair expense to ask from your family.
And elopements are the right choice for some couples, but it doesn't really sound like that is what's in his heart. Those pictures are gorgeous for sure, but your wedding is about starting a new life together as a couple and as such should reflect your vision as a couple.
I was all over the place with wedding planning and my fiance didn't take me seriously at all. Take a few weeks off and come back to it with a clear head.
He would probably appreciate a break from it too. Come that time, you can say "I have thought about it for a few weeks and I am sure this is what I would like to do. What about you?"
As someone who has been to Dunton, it is a wonderful place! You are spending good money if you spend it there! It looks like you both have some time to calm down and really think about what you want. Nothing has to be decided today. Tomorrow or even next week. Get your thought and ideas together, the right way to go will become evident.
Thanks everyone for your comments. I've taken them all to heart.
Do you know that person who "doesn't care what we get for dinner" and then turns down the 10 restaurants you mention? That's the kind of person he is.
But it's fine because I'm passive and patient. With that being said, once he's sold on something, he never looks back. He's not sold on a wedding plan yet. I haven't seen his "I'm SOLD on this" face yet. He likes the DW but later brings up the downfalls to it.
I think his indecision is causing me to continue exploring other routes such as eloping. Im not trying to force what I want on him but I just want us both to 100% agree so we can begin putting deposits down and move forward.
The main reasons I keep looking at eloping is because:
- We are very private people.
- I specifically have a lot of social anxiety. Which is both in public and family/friend settings. Ex: At Christmas, I get a migraine at the base of my skull from how anxious I get opening presents in front of people. I am also a "fixer" so I'm afraid that my whole wedding will me be nervous/shy/worried if everything is going okay.
-Something seems so pure and perfect about it just being us two. I can't describe how it makes me feel to imagine it.
With that being said, I am seriously considering all options and told myself I'd wait two weeks and bring it up again with an open mind. If he needs his family there, I understand and will compromise. I just hope that HE will have good input at that time as to what he wants.
@Nona99: Which cabin did you stay in? Regardless, I WILL go there in the near future. Its calling me!
I've seen Dunton and it is beautiful. I say if you have the money to rent out all of those cabins than go for it. It's a unique venue that everyone will remember.
My FI had the same reaction when I kept changing my mind!! I did what PP are saying and just took a break for awhile once we got a few fundamentals down and he came around pretty quick.
If it were me though I'd do the colorado one.
@S2013: +1 to that advice.
Take some time to gather your thoughts, and go to your FI with a plan. Ask him to help you decide, because it's his wedding too AND this could help ease some of his frustration!
Story of my life, LOL! I changed the vision so many times, but FI and I both just took a weekend to ourselves...no wedding talk, and then decided on a destination wedding on the coast with clear heads.
I think renting out the DW would be a GORGEOUS idea! So memorable, and honestly...I think you would regret not having all of your closest family and friends witness your love by eloping. At least that's what we had decided on as well.
FI and I aren't bigcrowd people either. We're having a really low key wedding. Dessert reception on a Sunday afternoon, no dancing. Just customize the wedding to fit you. You don't need to have an open bar and club music to have a good time. This is YOUR wedding, you guys do what suits you best!
I don't have any advice on your predicament, but I WANT TO GO TO THAT PLACE RIGHT NOW. H and I are planning on taking a trip out west next year - I think we may have to stop there.
We stayed in the Well House and it was lovely, but they've added Christies Tent and that looks amazing! Good luck and enjoy!
Just a side note: If we eloped to Dunton, no one else would be coming. The DW would be in Desin, Florida with 30 family/friends.
@Nona99: How were the springs? What month did you go in and how was the weather then?
maybe still do the small intimae wedding but change the venue to the one that you love? It seems to have enough space for your guests, and that way you both get what you want?
@vintagefair: We think the DW venue in Destin is gorgeous, amazing, WOW! But, it's not about that to me anymore.
We have to worry about getting an estranged grandmother down from North Carolina who refuses to fly or train/bus. Worried about how she's going to act since she made FIs cousin cry at her wedding recently from being mean/crazy. My dad is bi-polar so I never know what to expect from him. My mom is overweight and ashamed of herself so she's trying to get gastric bypass so she can be "pretty" for my wedding no matter how many times I try to disuade her. FIs family is classy while my family is more like "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo". (Which I adore my family and I don't care but now it's making my family nervous to be spending a weekend with a richer family.)
I'd rather spend it on 5 days in relaxing vacation with him and then come back and throw a awesome backyard BBQ that we can show our wedding video, do some traditional aspects such as "dancing with my dad", have toasts, and relax. It just seems to be a way to take the pressure off of everyone.
But, I'm still being open minded and realize that we could do something else that would be a compromise. Such as a low budget backyard BBQ wedding, then fly to Dunton for our honeymoon. I just can't afford to do a traditional wedding + Dunton.
Thanks for letting me organize my thoughts on here!
Update: I've not said one wedding-related peep and really have considered his feelings. So, now I'm making a little folder that compares eloping versus a small DW or a traditional wedding. I'm showing the difference in costs and requirements from us. I've picked places for each style that I'll actually be okay with marrying at if he really feels compelled towards one choice.
I'm giving him this information next week to look over and hopefully we'll be on one page soon! :) And BTW, I'm now 150% wanting to elope after considering each choice but I want him on his own to want to elope too. Thanks everyone! :)
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