I got married six months ago. This is a long story and I'll try to keep it to the point. My DH and I were planning on having a wedding with just the two of us and our parents. Family made us feel guilty for planning on only having the parents there so we gave in and agreed to have a simple ceremony in MIL's backyard only with close family. I never planned on having a wedding because I have severe social anxiety and didn't want to be in the spotlight at all and I get overwhelmed very easily.
@Ms. Flowers: I really think you need some professional help. It is not healthy to be dwelling on this for so long.
@Ms. Flowers: I don't think this forum is the right place for this; have you considered talking to a therapist?
@Ms. Flowers: Hunnie, you need to let this go. MIL didn't ruin your day. You allowed her to upset you, and therefor - ruin your own day. Please find someone to speak about this with. I think you need to address your social disorder with a professional, and hopefully this person can also help you move past this. At the end of the day, you are married to a wonderful man - and it sounds like despite her mistake, your MIL truly cares about you and wanted to have a nice wedding for you.
@Brideonabudgetlauren: Maybe I should. I'm normally not a person who dwells on things at all or holds grudges so I'm really struggling with still being so upset.
In agree with PPs that this may be best worked through in therapy.
@Ms. Flowers: I definitely think you should talk to a professional about your anxiety, I think it will help you cope with things better in the future.
I've been to therapists in the past for my anxiety but didn't make much progress unfortunately. My DH and I are in a job transition right now so I'll need to wait until we have healthcare again to seek out therapy. I'm just trying to find ways to deal with it in the mean time.
@JrzyGurl: What you said is true. I'm just upset that despite me opening up to her about my anxiety (which I never, ever open up about) she disregarded my feelings and she kept lying to me. I'm very hurt by her.
Well..I am sorry that you are so very upset, especially six months after the fact....since you really didnt' want to do a large ceremony any way, I would write what happened off as a bungled dress rehearsal, plan something special and intimate just for you and your husband as a 1 year anniversary vow renewal and let the rest go.
Being angry with your MIL over this is not a good solution to the problem, and I'm sure she was so cold and confused because she cannot understand what all the fuss was about, if she's not familiar with your problem, or believes you use it as an excuse to get your way, her response to you might make more sense.
I am always sympathetic to people who suffer from anxiety, it's a debilitating and difficult disorder, BUT the instant you allow your anxiety to limit or interfere with your or other people's lives and the enjoyment of daily activities, and don't seek treatment, well, then it's your fault.
I would get into some therapy and also set up a time that you, your husband, your MIL and therapist can sort this all out, because I don't think she did anything wrong either, more like she misunderstood
@housebee: My DH and I were talking the other day about how once we get healthcare again that I'll need to seek out therapists with different techniques than the ones I've seen in the past for my anxiety because they are obviously aren't helping too much!
Why not just focus on all the good stuff that happened that day? You cannot change the past. There is literally NO WAY to change what happened (unless Doc has the Delorean working...). Focus on what you can change, which is how you are dwelling on the day of. Instead of focusing on the girl, focus on what was good. Try to remember fun details.
@Nona99: The only reason I opened up to my MIL about my anxiey is because she has anxiety as well, she's on medication for it.
You don't find it wrong that she lied to me that she would take care of it and that she wasn't phased by me crying in private to her about how important a family-only wedding was to me? That's just not okay to me.
I will seek out therapy once I can. Thank you.
@peachacid: Thank you. I will try. It's hard because when I think of something good, like how much my family did for me, the bad just rushes in and takes over and I remember that at the time I didn't feel anything in response to that.
@Ms. Flowers: Well....I think revoking an invitation is a pretty difficult thing to do, and I am sure she lied to avoid upsetting you, or maybe she sub-contracted un-inviting this woman to her son, since they are dating and thought it was taken care of....
I just find it hard to believe she did anything deliberate to upset you, especially since she planned the whole thing for you....maybe the fact that you focus on the ONE thing that went wrong, when so many things were right has hurt her terribly and she feels her hard work was devauled because of one problem...there's a lot of moving parts in this situation.
And people cry for a myriad of reasons...the damage was done, what was she supposed to do at that point?
@Nona99: I do see what you mean. I meant when I cried to her a week before the wedding, when she had plenty of time to let this girl know that it was meant to be family-only. I guess crying was a big deal to me because I don't cry nearly ever. The last time I had cried before that was over a decade ago so it was a big deal to me.
@Ms. Flowers: Oh...see...and people cry in our family at the drop of a hat...big bunch of criers, we cry when we're happy, sad, angry, scared...so to me, it wouldn't be a big deal either to see a bride crying right before she gets married...I'd hand you some tissue, a flask tell you to take a belt, find yourself and we'll continue on with our regularly scheduled programming...
I'm so sorry that you can't remember your wedding day with happiness. :(
You keep saying she "lied" to you about disinviting that girl - but is it possible that she simply forgot? I mean, sure, that means she forgot more than once, but really, that's not totally unbelievable is it? (God knows that I forget stuff all the time, as does my mother). I just find it hard to believe that she would've done something like that on purpose, to be mean-spirited and get her way.
I also agree with PP that she may have been "cold" about it because she really couldn't understand why that, of all things, was what set you off. Having anxiety and knowing someone with it are different things; everyone reacts differently.
I hope you guys are able to get your healthcare on board again soon so you can figure out what to do about a therapist. In the meantime, I think you need to really sit down and remember the good things, and find ways not to focus on the moments that made you so upset.
@Nona99: Yes my DH's family is just like that! Maybe that's why she didn't take my crying seriously. I know that it's common for brides to be overwhelmed when the date is getting closer.
@Ms. Flowers: See?! I might break down and cry when I get home if something hits me right...it's a pretty common thing around our house....I imagine it's all a bunch of crossed wires and totally salvagable.
Good Luck Lady!
@StephieBee: Thank you for being so nice. I will work on focusing on the good moments. I don't think she's mean-spirited, she just has a preference for that son and she's always tip-toeing around him to make sure she doesn't upset him.
But again, thank you. It really helps me.
Look at it with this perspective - in the grand scheme of things, there was ONE extra person at your wedding. And it wasn't just any extra person, it was your BIL's girlfriend! I understand wanting just "family" but if he was dating someone (which obviously he was) then, in my eyes, she gets in invitation.
For all you know, maybe your MIL did tell her son (your BIL) to not invite her, but like others have said, it's really rude to un-invite someone. Maybe BIL and/or MIL felt uncomfortable doing that and thought well, that day it's going to be chaotic anyway, maybe Ms Flowers won't mind. I don't think anyone did anything intentionally to hurt you.
Honestly, I have to be told to do things 100x and I still forget! With everything your MIL had going on (after all this is her son getting married!) maybe she honestly forgot as well!
And her "coldness" well, maybe she didn't realize how debiliating your anxiety disorder is. If she has anxiety and is controlled with medication, maybe she thought you were too (obviously you're not).
You need to let this go. You CAN let it go. How is your relationship with her now?
I'm so sorry you can't remember your weddingday with happiness. It's a great idea to see therapists with a different kind of approach than the ones you had before, may I ask what you tried already? Sometimes you also just don't click with a therapist, which is just how humans work, so I hope you find someone who can help you soon!
In the meantime, maybe you could try to just not think about the wedding/stopping before it gets to the point where you feel bad? I know it's easier said than done, but once you notice your thoughts go into that direction, try to think about the vow renewal with your FI. Literally say in your mind "What's done is done" and move on to how you want you want the renewal to be.
PS: I'm also one of those people that can cry at the drop of a hat. My FI is one of those people who never cry until something really, really, really bad happens. It's been the source of many a miscommunication in our relationship. Have you since talked to your MIL about it?
@Ms. Flowers: Since your MIL also suffers from anxiety, perhaps it was just too much for her to be able to uninvite BIL's girlfriend. I don't have clinical anxiety, and the very idea of doing something like that makes my heart beat a little faster. Maybe she didn't mean to lie to you and was just hoping she could eventually do the deed but couldn't.
@SnowInApril: I know I seem so petty. In hindsight it shouldn't have been such a huge deal and I shouldn't have let it overwhelm me but it did anyway and the coldness I felt from her at that moment really shook me up because I had never seen her like that before. On the day of I knew it was too late and I was hoping that by confronting her that day that she would apologize and comfort me but I was wrong and shouldn't have expected that. I don't open up to people easily (I am close to 3 people) and I felt so betrayed that day since I had opened up to her.
I must agree with @Nona99:. I think what your MIL is guilty of may be her inability to have been honest with you about her unwillingness to rescind a social invitation, because she truly did not understand the effect that inviting her son's girlfriend would have on you. I don't think she was in any way trying to be malicious, although I'm certainly not going to defend her dishonesty and/or lack of follow through on what she said that she would do.
I agree with the other bees that you definitely would benefit from some counseling. That level of social anxiety must be quite debilitating to try to manage on a day-to-day basis. I'm sure someone could offer you help with that.
Beyond that, as someone who was not "present" for much of my own wedding day due to a derailed timeline, I DO understand your obsession with constantly reliving the events of that day in your mind, desperately trying to find some way to fix something that has already happened. Even though you know that is impossible, your broken heart still cannot really grasp that the day you waited for for your entire life did not unfold the way you had planned, and now you desperately want to find a way to get it back. I truly, truly do understand that part.
Because of my timeline issues, I never had the opportunity to even greet most of my guests (some of whom I had not seen in many, many years and who had traveled hundreds and hundreds of miles to be with me on my special day.) I knew that never before, and never again, would all of those same individuals be at the same place, at the same time, to celebrate with me, and I missed it. I knew that I had one shot that I had waited for my entire life (and I married late in life, in my mid-40s), and I missed it. I was devastated. I understand part of what you're going through.
Unfortunately, because of my inability to even grasp what had (or, in this case, had NOT) happened, I made the enormous mistakes of not putting this experience behind me and not focusing on my new husband and marriage, something I had waited my entire life to experience. I spent almost my entire (beautiful, luxurious, and expensive) honeymoon obsessing over my grief about the wedding, talking about little else, and crying. I drove my poor DH crazy, because he was simply trying to enjoy our honeymoon and the start to our married life.
If you "hear" nothing else I say in this comment, please hear this. It took me months to learn it, and now I want to share it with you:
When we allow ourselves to obsess over things that we cannot change (and many of us have done or tend to do this), we are missing out on new special moments right NOW. The more time we fixate on our grief from the past, the more grief we will cause ourselves in the future.
The primary reason that I joined WB long after my wedding was to help myself continue to process and deal with my own disappointment and to try to help other women who have experienced or are experiencing this.
It may take some time for your heart to heal, but you will get through this, and, if you truly choose to do so, you will be able to look back at the wonderful, positive things that happened on your wedding day. As for now, I encourage you to do your very best to let go of the pain of the past and start living in the present. You don't want to miss it!
HUGS!!
I agree with PP, you need professional help bc it sounds like you are letting this incident ruin the signifigance of what you wedding day was. I've not been married as yet and so I can just speak of what others have said. but I expect that on my wedding day not everything will go as planned and I must make peace with that. Good thing is you have your DH and he seems to be very supportive of your condition, let that be your inspiration to get well and be happy.
@Ms. Flowers: I think you felt you have been betrayed by her and the anger of betrayel is getting to you.
now knowing she has anxiety, put yourself in her shoes. Maybe she gets nervous and didn't want to deal with the fact she has to ask the gf to not to come.
Oh OP I'm so sorry :( Your MIL doesn't come off very well in the story. But try from the bottom of your heart to forgive her, even if she doesn't seem sorry. Do it for you, rather than for her.
Have you gotten your wedding photos back? maybe take some time to make a wedding scrapbook with the pictures, some of the paper products, mementoes etc. Maybe make some journal entries in the scrapbook about the happy feelings you felt for at least part of the day! "interview" your husband about his favorite parts of the wedding, what he felt like when he said his vows, watching you come down the aisle etc.
This could help you refocus your memories on the beautiful thing that happened, you married your love!
I strongly encourage you to keep trying to find a therapist who will help. It can definitely take trial and error before you find one who is effective for you. but when you do find the right one, it helps so much. Don't give up!!!
I just want to remind some of the PP's that living with anxiety is not an easy thing (which I'm sure some of you realize) and that the OP has every right to be upset about this because it was her wedding. I'm sorry but unless you have anxiety, I don't feel like anyone should be giving any advice. It's a touchy subject without a doubt but unless you live with some kind of anxiety disorder, this might just seem like "something she should get over", when in reality it is much more.
OP, I have pretty bad anxiety around strangers just like you seem to have as well. My stomach knots up, I get IBS like symptoms, and on top of that I get extrememly emotional and stressed out. I'm sure you imagined your wedding day as a magical, intimate, and private affair that perhaps would give you a break from the anxiety/stress and allow you to enjoy your beautiful wedding with total relaxation and comfort. Unfortunately that's not how it went and wrongfully so in my opinion. Your MIL had PLENTY of time to uninvite the girl and you told her multiple times. I'm sorry unless the MIL has some sort of mental illness, I don't she why she couldn't have taken your first AND second instructions to make sure the girl did not attend. You have every right to be upset! I'd be really angry with my MIL because you are not choosing to have anxiety, it's something both you and I have to live with until we can defeat it (which we absolutely WILL).
At this point I know you must feel like your wedding was a complete disaster (and I completely understand) but just try to move forward. If I've learned anything about anxiety, it's that dwelling on what can't be changed, will only make it much worse. I know that the "wedding day" cannot be re-lived but who's to say that planning another special day between just the two of you can't be just as amazing?
Maybe take a week off and spend it together in a charming bed and breakfast by the beach and say your vows (or write some) as the sun goes down over the water. MAKE a day magical and know that at the end of that day you are not to blame for the unfortunate things that happened on your wedding day. Seriously though, take a nice mini vacation with your husband, somewhere special & romantic and just enjoy each other! Just the two of you. You may not be able to make that one day go the way you'd hoped, but you have the rest of your lives together to feel those amazing moments of love, passion, and happiness together. I promise. :)
PLEASE feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk. I completely know where you are coming from as I have been living with anxiety for a while now. Hang in there.
I'm going to have to agree with others on finding a good therapist. Make sure this is a therapist who can help you find coping mechanisms - it's hard to find therapists that do this.
I think you should have a private vow renewal, so you can focus on th emotions of saying your vows, and the commitment to your FH and allow yourself to be fully in the moment.
Then I think you should start by picking one special moment or picture. Say a picture of one relative at the wedding, and think about how special this person is to you, and how important for them to come all that way, and try to reframe your grief with happiness and how you should have felt. Try to overwrite or move past the bad memory with a good one. Read the card they gave you, or have your DH tell you something, and try to picture how they felt, happy and elated and so loving. Try to feel that and focus on it without any negative.
Because this person was at your wedding, and they love you, and they had no idea you were upset, and they were bursting with enough happiness for both of you. And maybe if you close your eyes and try to feel their happiness you can replace some of the sadness.
Then pick another picture of someone else and think how happy they were for you, and how special for them to be there to celebrate with you. And maybe if you can let these emotions flood over the emotions of negative, numbness, you can start to feel a little happy.
By the way, I am the same way around new people and I am working on it, and I am absolutely terrified the same thing will happen to me and for this reason am considering eloping. Reading your story is very helpful to me. So I am very very sorry your wedding did not work out the way you planned and I hope you find a way to feel connected to it and see it in the positiive light it deserves.
You need to put your big girl panties on and get past this! I don't know anyone who has an absolutely perfect wedding day. At the end of the day, you married the one you love, and that is all that should matter. Your MIL is not the reason that you don't look back fondly on your wedding day; you are the reason. You are the one allowing yourself to get so swept up in the memory of the one bad thing that happened, that you can't seem to truly appreciate the good things. To still hold this over your MIL is unfair. I'm not saying she's perfectly innocent in the situation, but at some point you've just got to learn how to forgive. After she offered up her home to host your wedding, she deserves to be treated better. I'm sure she can tell that you have been distant, and to continue to act like that will only further damage your relationship. To be honest, you seem a bit ungrateful, and I'm sure that has something to do with her coldness towards you.
@Ms. Flowers: I think maybe you should consider that your MIL probably didn't intend to lie to you, rather, perhaps she didn't see it as a big deal and simply kept forgetting to talk to the girl. I think this is a reasonable assumption as I think most people wouldn't expect the girl coming to result in such a traumatic response. I agree with others that professional help would be a good idea.
@SincerelyShe: Clearly you have never dealt with anxiety before and telling someone who does have it cannot just "put on their big girl panties". Maybe you should be a "big girl" and stop giving childish and hurtful advice. Didn't your mother teach you kindness? The OP is not ungrateful, she's hurt and emotional that her anxiety has this much of a hold on her. She stated in her own post that shes wishes she could have just allowed the girl to come and deal with her own anxiety anyways. That isn't ungrateful. I suppose you think those who are suffering from depression or other illnesses should just "put on big boy/girl panties" as well? Clearly you are not educated as to what anxiety/depression does to a person. Why on earth would anyone CHOOSE to ruin their own wedding day. Anxiety doesn't leave much room for being in control of the disease. I sincerely hope that one day you never have to deal with how anxiety affects a person and rips them apart emotionally because I don't think you'd be able to handle it. Maybe you wouldn't have enough panties IDK.
@MsSunshineBee: I think the point is that the OP told her MIL more than once that this was going to trigger an anxiety attack for her and possibly ruin her wedding day. Instead the MIL didn't do what she said she'd take care of and in the end it caused probably extreme panic for the OP when she saw her there unexpected and thinking everything was in her comfort zone. OP said her MIL has anxiety and that makes it even worse in my opinion. That means her MIL knows what it feels like to have an anxiety attack but didn't do anything despite being told multiple times? For what reason? At least she could have told the bride that she was uncomfortable telling the girl not to attend. Then the bride could have, as she stated in her post, told her she could not come. When you have anxiety and you finally get in your comfort zone to have it ruined by the thing you were afraid of suddenly...yeah thats just not right.
OP correct me if I'm wrong but I think the issue here is that you told your MIL this would make you uncomfortable multiple times and you believed her when she said she'd take care of it. Then you show up on your wedding day and it's pure panic (not something you can control) because you thought this was going to be handled?
Sorry you had a bad wedding day. That being said I too agree you need to see a therapist who can help you with them. Life is full of challenges and anxiety. I'm sure there will be bigger challenges ahead.
@PinkMermaid: Thats a good point about her knowing about the anxiety... It seemed that at least part of the reason OP seemed so upset was that she felt betrayed by her MIL. My point was maybe MIL didn't totally grasp what a big deal it was and didn't mean anything malicious. Re-reading OPs post tho that seems hard to determine. Her MIL saying "no biggie" makes me think maybe she didn't really grasp the gravity of the situation.
I'm sorry hun! Anxiety is a bitch of a disorder, especially when its severe. Every time your wedding comes to mind, try to think of how happy you were that morning before all the stress was getting to you. Every time you get the idea that you feel bad about that day, tell yourself that your not going to worry about it. At first this always seems impossible, that the feeling is too over whelming, but it will slowly ease. Even with medication anxiety sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks. I don't think I added enough sucks.......
Just keep reminding yourself about everything positive that did happen. That your family traveled to see you, you married your best friend. Try not to give the bad thoughts any power, they don't deserve that much power over you! I'm sure it will be hard especially when you are around your mother in law, but just keep repeating these things to yourself. Slowly give yourself reasons to trust your MIL again so you are able to not give even more power to the ideas of what she messed up.
Your husband sounds like a great guy! It's really amazing to have a spouse who is so understanding with anxiety. Your not alone in any of this, there's hundreds of thousands of us who suffer with this on a daily basis. Certain situations or events that seem "easy" to get over for some really aren't. It will get better and I have no doubt that you will be able to one day remeber your wedding day for the happy occassion that it was!
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