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This kind of thing really bothers me, for two reasons. One, your brother shouldn't have scheduled his wedding so close to yours. I know many people don't agree with me on this one, but I truly do think that it kind of detracts from one wedding when another is so close. Not only that, it could be a possible burden on your guests, since half of them will be attending two weddings so close to one another. I just know that I would never, ever do this to my sister.
Two, it also really irritates me when the groom has close sisters and the bride doesn't ask them to be a BM. Marriage is about two families coming together, not just the couple, whether people want to admit it or not, and when you don't involve a sibling, it's really NOT a good way to get on the other family's good graces.
Honestly, your brother should be asking you to be his "best woman" if his fiance has no intention of asking you to be a BM.
So that's my two cents :) I have really strong opinions on these two topics.
we didnt ask any of our half-siblings to be in the wedding, so I see her point. even if you 2 get along great, she probably has a group of girls that she is very close to. can you wear a black dress with the sash the color of the BMs dresses (if the guys wear black tuxes) and stand up on your brothers side? just b/c youre not a bm doesnt mean you cant be part of the bridal party. how about a reading?
id be angry about the date too.
when my brother married i had zero expectation i would be asked to be a part of it as the bride had her own friends/sisters/ect that she asked to support her on her day - why should she omit a close friend just to make room for me
although in a perfect world your brother should have thought of a role for you for his wedding he didnt, hes a guy and dont forget the bride may have her own vision of her wedding as well so its a really tight line to walk on
just be there for your brother - be happy for him and enjoy the day... oh, and as you will be planning your own wedding during all this time, think of it as one less thing you will be stressed with so you can attend as a loving family member and enjoy
goodluck
I think he could have been a bit more considerate on the date. I generally agree you get a day not a week, but c'mon, you are his only sibling and two weeks apart is really close! The bridal party thing sucks, but she doesn't know you that well, and not everyone believes in the siblings always being in the wedding. (we did, my brother was a groomsman!)
Given that you only have one sibling though, I wouldn't let this ruin your relationship. It is so sad when people who used to be close in a family lose that over something, that while a big deal, is not worth the loss of a tight bond. If he won't move his date, maybe you can have a heart to heart with him to just air how you are feeling so you can move past this?
Thanks so much ladies! Wow you guys are quick! ; )
Well, I guess more then anything I am more understanding about the date thing then not being in the wedding. Ya the dates being so close does bother me. I worry that some of my family who has to come in from out of state is going to have to choose one over ther other. However, the only reason i can some what understand is (And perhaps I should have put this earlier, but my fist post was already Soooooo long) Me and my FI are in the Military, and so is my Bro. our reason for a July wedding is so my FI's daughter can be our flower girl in the wedding when we have her during that part of the summer, other wise there would be no guarentee and my Fi ex is not the most pleasant of a person. And as far as my Bro with him being Military too, he is scheduling around Career and the best time he could do it is that month as well. It sucks, and worries me because yes ours was scheduled before they were even engaged. But yet I do understand and I am happy to see him so in love and happy with this women. So none the less, I can give there and understand I guess. I mean my FI and I are having his sisters on his side. With me, I have all my friends back home, and then all my "new fam" that I have met and what not in the service. So we have so many girsl, so his sisters are rockin black dresses on his side. My brother knows this. I dont know, maybe its not for everyone, as far as girls being groomswomen. Perhaps its just he is my big brother, I have always looked up to him, and no matter what I ALWAYS will even though this hurts some. So he has always been my big, protective brother, and he has turned out to be the sort of man I love and respect to the point where every man I have dated I compare to my brother, simply because I think he is such a great person. So the first person that was asked to be in our wedding party was my brother. I could NOT, not have him there with me on my special day. I guess maybe I feel like he does not feel the same way about me, and I dont know how to take that! He was the first person for me to ask hands down, and I was not even one, I dont know...
Can't you be your brother's "best woman" or "groomswoman". That would take care of that!
your love for your brother speaks volumes so hold onto that, although important a wedding day is just one day so be there for him in every way and dont let your disappointment ruin a really good thing within your family
hopefully you'll feel better about this soon
Ya, thats what I would think, I mean I dont care, I would wear whatever he wants me to wear dress, suit, WHATEVER. But he is a guy like eloping said above. I dont think he has THOUGHT about it. I dont know, I guess I was so shocked so to say, that I have not even asked who he is all having standing up with him. I know she has all her ladies picked out, when she told me they all chose the BM dresses and what not. So she has a set number, she knows how many BM she is having and so he has a set number (traditionally) too. I dont know. And I dont feel right asking him about it, I dont want to have to ASK to be in his wedding or even have to hint at the matter, I would hope he would WANT me in it!
I kind of get the not being in the wedding party thing because they are trying to be fair to both sides. Even though you are closer to him than she is to her fam, they don't want to make a big fight with her side of the family.
The date thing is really annoying though. Sorry :(
the date things sucks, no getting around that... ever thought of a double wedding?
or how about 2 weddings (different times same day) but same reception?
Eloping! LOL Thats what I thought, thats what my MOM thought too. I dont care really, but my brother laughed at the idea and was like nice? Your Joking right, cuz drop it now! Nice huh, sadly I am pretty sure his Fi would not be as against it as much as he is. I DONT KNOW what is up with him. Its like a whole new side to my Bro I have never seen and so not like him.
You certainly have limited time when you are in the military. I feel for your parents only having you for such brief periods of time and then both of you getting married. What an emotional month that will be for them!
About the wedding party... my FI has one sister and 2 half sisters. I had planned on having her in the wedding party but FI only wanted 3 guys and I have 1 sister and two very close friends that I can't imagine not having them with me. So then we thought we'd have her read something.... but what? We were looking to have a simple ceremony and it is outdoors so... we nixed that idea too. And while I do not belittle his relationship with her she is no more or less important to him or me it is just that he picked who he wanted to stand up with him and I picked who wanted to stand up with me. I don't really talk to her but I hope she understands and is not offended. But the fact that I don't really talk to her is part of the reason I decided against having her on my side and am having my best friend.
Sorry this is hard. Wedding parties can be tough. Although, based on what you said, I'd have to disagree that it hasn't even crossed his or his FI's minds. What I'd put him on the hook for, is not even discussing it with you. You seem to be really close. And you asked him to be in your wedding. So I think it would warrant him at least being honest with you... not just not saying anything. (Which is ironic, because I just posted to another bride to say nothing to the friends she hasn't chosen to be BMs....I guess I see this as a different story.)
While not being in the wedding is disappointing, I don't think actually not being in the wedding is meant as a personal snub, especially not on his part. When I got married, I wanted my brother to stand up for my DH (standing up on my side, wasn't done). But my Dh insisted on having just the guys he selected. And was certain my brother wouldn't care that much. I never asked my brother if it bothered him. But I still wished he had asked. A few years later, when my brother got married, I was in his wedding. I very much appreciated the gesture. Although I was never making an expectation that I would be asked. I think in your case, the fact that the weddings are so close together makes it more difficult.
Miss Chapstick summed up my thoughts exactly. My brother and I are also very close, and he is 5 yeaars older than me, and regardless of what his then FI would have said, he'd NOT have accepted me not being in the wedding. And he also would NOT have scheduled his wedding so close, that is really inconsiderate. Your parents should really have a talk with him. And he needs to grow a pair to step up to his FI.
I agree that it's insensitive that they scheduled the wedding so close to yours...sooooo irritating, but I don't agree that just because there is going to be a future sister in law, that that is a instant requirement to be a bridesmaid. I think that the bride & groom should be able to pic who ever they want to be in the wedding, regardless of who is going to be future family. Heck, if I were going go by that, I would end up with 5 bridesmaids and the thought of having that many bridesmaids to keep track of does not give me the warm fuzzies. I wanted things simple...Just my sisters and I. My brother and I are super close as well...There's 12 years between us, but he's still one of my best friends. The poor kid has three older sisters and is the only boy in the family, so he was beyond excited to finally have an "older" brother in the fam. With that, my FI asked my little bro to be one of his groomsmen. I know it meant a lot to my bro and also my FI to have him there. On the flip side, my FI is just as close to his sisters, but I did not ask them to be in my wedding party. I have always wanted just my sisters as my bridesmaids...
I guess if it's really important to you and to your bro to have you in his wedding, he could always have you stand up on his side...like a groomsgirl or something, but his FI should get her choice on who she pics on her side.
Thanks for everything ladies! I do appreciate your insight on the matter.
I guess it was just hard for me because its just tradition in my family, its a given that siblings are in wedding, I come from a very close family and its just usually a given. I guess it was just hard for me to think my brother was going against the norm or whatever, especially on top of the fact of how close we are.
Butttt.....OMG I kind of feel like an ass now! Oddly enough, they got engaged a few months ago now, and its SOooo weird that I just posted this like a day ago. Because....last night I was talking to my future sister, going over wedding stuff and what not. I help her out as much as I can because they chose to get married in our home town as well and she is not familiar with it, and currently not living there. So anyways...we were talking....and then it ALL came out!!!
ITS MY BROTHER BEING DUMB!!! She assumed at first that I would be in her wedding party, but wanted to meet me first, we finally met a little over a month ago or so, I guess she wanted to ask me then but she was still "debating" wedding party stuff with my bro. Well like I said earlier, he is in the Military, I know its hard to pick your wedding party. I have had the SAME issues with being in the service as well. You have all your close friends back home, and then your friends in the service become so close to you so quick because its all you have when you are away from home, you spend hollidays, birthdays, everything together. So none the less it sounds like the issue is he has WAaaayyyy too many guys that he feels obligated to be in there wedding. She is upset (which I understand) because she wants her two brothers in it, and he is not game for it. So she felt guilty wanting to ask me, if her brothers werent going to be in it. So this all came out last night. She was like, you know what, i am going to make the exec decision, I want you in it because you are going to be my sis, and we are already such good friend, and I hope your brother comes around, and I am not just askin u because u are his sister, so ya...crazy..it all came out, i feel like an ass now for totally thinking otherwise, and she was so sweet and honest about it. Now I am in the wedding and I cant help but feel guilty now for how I felt and what I was thinking! Thanks so much Bee's!
I agree with elopeing, other than the double wedding but, thats just because I personally am not a fan of double weddings. One of my FI's brothers is not even invited to our very small wedding along with several other family members because they are all not spekaing to each other and do nothing but bring negativity and trouble to the table so instead of singling the few main instigators out my FI singled the whole group of folk who just don't get along with each other (4 people)- not that I'm saying you are a drama starter in any way! It sounds like you are a very close and loving family. I was wondering, is this girl going to be in your wedding party?
I'm glad it worked out. Perhaps his Fi can encourage him to have the extra groomsmen, without worrying that both sides have to have equal numbers.
Thanks again ladies!
Leafy, no she is not going to be in my wedding party, I had not even met her, plus they were not even engaged when I had already picked out my wedding party. So yeah! Thinking about making her like a pers. attendant or something like that, because we have become pretty good friends and helping e/o out with wedding stuff and what not. Love her already! So happy for my bro! He picked a good one!
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Ok ladies! I am new to this and as I have been looking around on the posts and what not I really like what I see. So I thought I would share something that has really been buggin me and see what you think.
OK first off, I may be vague but for whatever reason I am paranoid of my brothers FI poss. reading this, i love her, i mean really she is AWESOME and i am excited for her to be my sister in law, but this is something I just dont want or feel I could approach her with...so here it goes!
So I was over- seas over the past Holiday season, I got home and over that three months my brother all of a sudden has a serious girl, may rolls around and they move in (Both Orig hooked up by mutual friends and they did not live in the same state) So here I am, in May with my BF of over two years who then pops the question. Instantly I tell the whole family, and tell them its going to be a July 2010 wedding. My FI calls my bro up and ask permission and then also ask for him to stand up with him as a groomsman in our wedding. (My bro and I really, really close, my only sibbling and he is older BTW)
Soo...when I finally talk to my bro he asks why I want a July wedding, am I really stuck on that day, him and his girl were thinking of getting hitched around that time frame even though they were not engaged at the time yet etc... Then even tries to buy me off saying that he will pay for 10% if I move the wedding. Well, I did not budge, my wedding is set, and now his is too. Two weeks after mine. Here is the thing, its in July 2010, both of ours. he is my ONLY sibbling, we were VERY close growing up and still are, we just live far apart now and what not. So...she (HisFI) does not want her 1/2 siblings or whatever in there wedding, I am his only sibling and we are close and I am not in the wedding what so ever. I mean, I guess I just feel hurt. My only brother, I love him to death. But this whole wedding crap seems to have divided us some. I still would not have it any other way and I WANT him in my wedding. But even my Parent (Married 34 years) are upset that they did not ask his only sister to be in the wedding as ANYTHING!!! Am I being stupid or what do you think. Dang sorry this turned into like a NOVEL!!