- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
This post is all over the place, so I apologize. I’ll try not to ramble.
My big sister got married yesterday to a wonderful man that I am proud to call my BIL. It was such a wonderful event…full of love, sincerity and fun. I am so beyond happy for her and had such an amazing time at the wedding. Still, I found myself feeling somethings that were not expected.
* I felt jealous. Not jealous of her wedding, because I know it is not my time. But she looked so beautiful and I have always felt she was prettier than me. I couldn’t help but think I will never be as beautiful as her. :/
*My grandfather was able to come to the wedding. We recently lost my grandma in August, which was tough on my family. I realized that there’s a huge chance that he won’t see me get married and this broke my heart.
*I did the slideshow for the wedding. There were a ton of pictures of my grams, as per request of the bride. My gramps had to get up and leave dinner while it was playing because it upset him. I know it wasn’t my fault, but I feel so incredibly guilty. It feels like a lose lose… it hurts to see her picture, but she was a BIG part of our lives and she deserved a place in the slideshow.
*I am in a committed 3 year relationship with my SO. We had a fabulous time at the wedding, but we had SO MANY people come up to us and say things like “oh, pressure’s on buddy! You’re next!” He was a good sport about this, but he kept making it very clear that he wants to marry me…someday. I do not feel quite ready for marriage yet either, but I know he’s the one I want to marry. Still, his comments terrified me that he’s not going to be ready until we’re 40 (I’m 23 now and while I want to wait a little while longer, I certainly don’t want it to be THAT long). We’re very open, so I said this and he assured me that that’s not the case, but there’s a crazy part of me that wants an exact date (I know that’s ridiculous, but this wedding has me all riled up).
*I guess the last piece of it is that I returned home today to find out that one of my very best friends is experiencing a likely break up in her 5 year relationship. She came over to talk as soon as I got home from the airport. My heart is broken for her and it is AWFUL seeing her like this. In addition to that, seeing someone so close to me go through such hearbreak in a relationship that I have always trusted makes me feel really insecure about my own relationship. :/
Ok, I know that was all over. I just really needed to get it out and I’m certainly not going to lay this on my family, as they deserve to bask in the post-wedding glow, not comfort the sister of the bride 😉