(Closed) Nagging vs. Helping

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@kala_way: This is something I’m curious about too.

Post # 4
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I just tell him I don’t like x shirt and why and suggest something else.

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

My FH is IMO more a nagger than I am. I know he cares but sometimes I just need him to back the hell off and just leave me alone. Especially if its something that doesn’t impact him directly. Sure I know sure by default what i does kinda reflect on him, but sometimes he just needs to hush. Everything doesn’t need to be said. And I hate when he’s repeative. Tell me somoene thing once, maybe twice then shut up. Sorry…I feel like him venting rather than answering your question.

Post # 7
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@kala_way: Well DH and I have known each other for 17 years so that might make a difference. He usually asks for my opinion if it is something special. And if he doesn;t have anything that will work then we typically buy something. Maybe when something important is coming up you can try to buy him something with good intentions in mind. However try not to go Sarah Marshall…lol.

Post # 8
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Reward good behavior (as you’re doing) with compliments.  Educate him on what looks good on him.

Let it go when it’s not important.  Tell him when it is (job interview).  Try phrasing it positively as you “What about the blue suit?  I think you look fantastic in it?”  If that doesn’t work, yes, I’d be honest when it’s impt.

Go shopping with him so he brings home things that look good on him.  My FI always wants me to go shopping with him (even though I’m not a fashionista at all!  just likes a second opinion).

Post # 9
Member
7296 posts
Busy Beekeeper

My DH hates shopping with a passion.  he will buy things without trying them on and buy several of the same thing in different colors to make it go faster.  and he is color blind.  and he will always choose cheaper over quality.  after a year or 2 of dating, i bought him clothes for his bday.  he acted nice, but i can tell he was not thrilled. like he was grateful, but it would be like him getting me a blender for my bday.

so i have basically solved the issue by shopping for him like i would myself. i don’t buy him clothes as gifts because i want him to be excited about his gifts, and i don’t try to tell him or hint what to buy for himself. i just go out and buy it. he wears it and is happy he didn’t have to get it himself.

Post # 10
Member
5668 posts
Bee Keeper

@dynamic_duo: My FI also hates shopping and is colourblind… Some of the things he puts together… Haha.

My FI lost a about 80lbs and was still wearing clothes from before he lost weight when we got together. I ended up going with him to Kohl’s and helping him pick out clothes that matched and fit. He wasn’t thrilled with the whole thing but I kept fairly neutral and let him pick out things he liked. I picked some things out and if he said that he didn’t like it, it went straight back on the rack. No “Oh, but just try it on!” It will only make him dig his heels in. If his fabulously colourblind self picked out something that he thought was “green” (red) and would go with his other “green” (grey) clothes I would let him know that it wasn’t the right colour.

Basically, tell him his clothes don’t fit and focus on the positive. Getting clothes that fit, that make him look slimmer/taller/etc. I would start small, too. Tell him you don’t care what he wears on a daily basis, but that he NEEDS an interview outfit that fits and start from there.

Post # 12
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@kala_way: FI does the same thing with clothes that are too big.  No one would have to tell me I needed a smaller size!  I don’t understand it.  But I think positive reinforcement is key.  Also sometimes timing is important, if FI says something crazy I usually wait until we are alone before saying something like “yeah when you said ____ it kind of sounded like _____”

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@kala_way: Well when it comes to impacting his long term plans and his job image I can understand how frustrating it is. I think you have received some great advice above.

And if i’m honest there are areas where I’m sure I nag him to. A few times a week I know i get the STFU looks LOL.

Post # 14
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Here’s what it boils down to for us:  I am particular about how DH’s clothing fits his body.  He is particular about what the clothing feels like.  For him, its all about texture, how absorbent the fabric is, is it soft, does it make him feel sweaty or hot, etc.

So we get clothing that DH likes the look and feel of, but I find the fit.  Its not that hard once you find a basic outfit for each season.  We call them “uniforms.”  In the summer DH is usually wearing shorts and a polo shirt, and in the winter he’s usually wearing jeans, a button down shirt, and a light jacket or sweater.  So its pretty basic stuff, but like anyone else, you have to make sure the fit is right.  And DH always wants things that feel light, soft, and absorbent.  So except for athletic stuff, we stick to natural fabrics – cotton and wool blends mostly – and I’m always looking out for thin, lightweight cotton undershirts and boxers, since comfortable underwear goes a long way in making him feel comfortable in all his clothing.

If I find something that works for both of us, I compliment him on how great he looks, and then buy 3-4 of them at once.  I keep track of all of DH’s measurements, the brands of clothing that have worked in the past, and his likes/dislikes.  When we go shopping together and we find something DH likes, I’ll ask him what he likes about it and note that.  Sometimes he’ll say “I really like this fabric and how it feels – its not scratchy and it looks nice.”  And then I’ll remember and make sure I look for it on my own at a later time.  Or sometimes he’ll say “I don’t like this denim because its very heavy and it will make me feel sweaty.  I like THAT denim, because its lighterweight.”  And then I’ll remember to never buy that weight of denim.  That makes it easier for me to find things that he may like on my own, especially when there are online sales, and it helps him feel like I’m paying attention and really care about him.  He loves it when I say “I ordered you some more of those shirts you like – you know the kind with the nice cotton?”  

DH used to favor wearing giant clothes too, but he got over it and feels comfortable in the more fitted clothes I find him because he knows I love the way he looks in them, and he’s realized a lot of his issues were about the feel/fabric.  Here’s some other tricks that work for us:

1.  Find slacks with a hidden elastic waistband.  Haggar makes very well-made, nice-fitting slacks that I think look great, and DH loves them because the waist always feels comfortable and not painful or constricting.

2.  Buy relaxed fitting jeans in a medium weight denim but in a darker wash – it feels looser and more comfortable to the guy, but the darker wash is slimming and makes the pant look a bit more fitted.

3.  DH wears thin, white cotton undershirts that don’t constrict his neck at all, but are tight enough to fit at the chest and stomach.  This helps on a few levels – the lack of constriction at the neck keeps him comfy, but the clingyness of the t-shirt wicks sweat and kinda sucks him in a little and his clothes look smoother and nicer over his body.

4.  Make sure the boxers/underwear fits correctly – a lot of times guys want bigger pants bc their underwear is so big and bulky in bunches everywhere and feels uncomfortable.

Lastly, one thing I never scrimp on is his professional attire.  When it comes to suits, dress shirts, dress shoes, ties, dress socks, etc, we get the best we can afford.  It makes him feel important and confident, and since its an investment, he listens very carefully to what I think about the cut, color, etc.  And we get everything altered/tailored so that he looks his best.  Every time he puts on his suits, he feels confident and I lavish him with praise.  It makes a big difference in how he see’s himself and that is what we’re going for right??

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