Post # 1
My FH & I are both hard headed and stubborn, so we get into fights sometimes. I know that I am not perfect and can sometimes act bitchy, but my FH takes fighting to another level. I feel that he fights very immaturely because he often calls me names: b*tch, c*nt, even my mother’s name!!!!! I do not resort to name calling when fighting and I have told him many times that these names are UNACCEPTABLE but he keeps using them because he knows how bad it will upset me. We have a generally good relationship and do not fight that often. We have a lot of things in common, we like the same kinds of music, love being outdoors, etc but I feel like I am being disrespected and this is NOT OK by me! I do not want to marry someone that disrespects me. How do I tell him (again) how serious I am that I do not want to be called those nasty names? Perhaps we need couples counseling before we get married because I have already talked to him many times about this and it hasn’t changed.
Post # 3
@May2013Wedding: That is not fair fighting. Nor is it okay to be so disrespectful to you, his future wife! I would put a stop to it asap, whether that means counseling or trying to have another talk with him yourself. Good luck! You DO NOT deserve to be called those names.
Post # 4
I agree that is 100% unacceptable. That sounds like some nasty verbal abuse and it is disrespectful to you and also to your mother (I assume he doesn’t mean to call you her name as a term of endeerment). Name-calling is low and immature. If he doesn’t find a new way to express his frustrations, I would seriously consider postponing things. I’m very sorry if I sound harsh or intrusive. This is only what I would do, after all. But I wouldn’t marry ANYONE who called me those foul names.
Post # 5
That would probably be a deal breaker for me. Letting it slip once is something completely different from having name calling be a regular fighting tactic. That’s not fair fighting, and it will probably continue to escalate unless he is willing to try and get better about it. I would recommend couples counseling and anger management for him.
Post # 6
My Fiance and I used to have this problem.. He used to call me bad names when arguments got really heated.
Once things cooled down and we made up, I told him how it made me feel. I told him that sometimes I feel as though the words he uses in anger are his real feelings towards me, and if thats the case, i don’t want to be with someone who thinks so lowly of me. I also explained to him that if name calling turned into a habit, it’s possible that he could lash out and call me names in front of our kids when he had them one day.. I pretty much just told him how I really felt.
He would resort to name calling when I provoked the argument or got in his face and things got realyl heated.. So I also knew that I needed to back off at the right time..
As long as you communucate effectively, then he’ll get the hint and understand how it really makes you feel…
Post # 7
I have to tell you this sounds like my Darling Husband wrote it lol…i was like that, i used to get very nasty when we used to argue and i did the whole name calling to another level, i knew i was offending him and hurting him too, but i was just soooo angry that i could’t stop…he talked to me many times and it never worked, but what finally worked was that he told me that he would leave me for good because he was not going to marry someone who is this nasty, he wasnt going to have someone like me with that nasty temper raise his children. At first i dint’ take him serious, but he actually left me for a couple of days, i called him, i left him messages and nothing (this btw was years ago) and that’s when it hit me that i needed to be a better person not only for him, but for myself, so i found him at his mother’s, of course lol, and i apologized and i changed…now whenever we have an argument, it doesn’t turn into a fight anymore, we talk and discuss and figure things out together.
Post # 8
@May2013Wedding: Any guy who called me the c word would no longer be in my life.
Post # 9
@May2013Wedding: That’d be a real deal breaker for me. It’s real simple…in quieter times you confront him, bringing up the topic of “the fighting rules.” he either gets it, or he doesn’t, and you either accept it, or you don’t. Personally, I don’t give a rip how mad or upset my partner was with me/at me, I’d put and end to it, one way or another. You say you’ve talked to him before about it and nothing’s changed? Well, how about the next time he lets his freak mouth fly at you in a horrible manner, YOU WALK OUT AND DON’T LOOK BACK!
You don’t deserve to be treated this way. Assert yourself in an adult manner, give him the chance to see the wrongs here and change it, or don’t marry him. Or if you do, be prepared to be verbally abused this way the rest of your life, which is NO WAY for you to live!
Post # 10
I have never been called a c*nt in my life. That just takes it to a whole new low.
Back when Fiance and I first got together, he used to pull the b-word out on me when we’d get in a bad fight. But keep in mind, he was 17 at the time. I wouldn’t expect that kind of immaturity out of a grown man.
I told him that name-calling was completely unacceptable to me, and that I wasn’t going to put up with it. And I meant it. The next time he said it, I turned around, got in my car, and went home. Wouldn’t answer his calls or texts until he came back with a very sincere apology.
In the last four years, he has not once resorted to calling me a name like that, no matter how angry he is. We’ve had fights where we are both trying to scream over each other, and still not resorted to nasty names. It’s just really not okay.
Post # 11
Have you guys done premarital counseling? Its really just about learning to fight fair. If you think about it he’s probably fighting with you in the only way he knows how to fight. All he knows to do in an arguement to get his point across is to say/do whatever it is will piss the other person off the most in order to get the upper hand. We’ve both done it to each other as well. For him its one thing and for me its another. So if you think about it you may have also done the same thing to him without realizing it. (what upsets him may not be name calling) Its a work in progress but little changes can make a big difference. And you have to realize its something that will take time and a lot of mastering. Its a habit and its all he knows so its not as simple as “just stopping” its learning the better ways to handle a situation and slowly putting them into practice so a new healthy habit is built in its place.
Post # 12
Have you tried bringing it up not in the heat of the moment? AKA, when you’re not in the middle of a big fight. It might be easier for him to hear and be conscious of that way.
Post # 13
I think that’s unacceptable and it is verbal abuse. The best advice I can offer is to tell him to treat you the way he would want a man to treat his daughter as I am sure he wouldn’t want a man calling his daughter those words. Even though you guys are arguing there’s no excuse for that. One of the things I learnt from being verbally abuse by my exH is that it is not acceptable and when you allow it it will continue. I would suggest speaking with him again and letting him know that when he calls you those names it makes you feel x, y, z and it needs to stop. If you love him enough not to resort to name calling then he should love you enough not to either.
Post # 14
@Sweetjennygirl @arsing89 @MrsR4ever I can’t just leave I have a full-time job and live with him. My family is 4 hours away 🙁
@Kate0558 I want to try premarital counseling, hopefully he will be up for this. I understand that I might say mean things but not call him silly names. I am hoping that we can work through and resolve this issue before we get married.
@iammcdibble Yes I have brought it up after the fight was over and things cooled down, either the next day or 2 days after.
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I would not marry someone who called me names like that, it is disrespectful and would totally undermine my confidence. I would get to counseling asap if he will go and if he says no that would be the end for me
Post # 16
As others have pointed out, fights happen, learning to fight fair will enhance the relationship, and not hinder it.
Couples counseling could be a proper stepping stone, provided both are open to it, and open to changing how they behave.
Discussing it outside of the arguments, past the issue and in a calm enviroment could also be a way to resolve it as well.
Finding the ‘triggers’ and avoiding them could also help alleviate the issue. I had an issue in the past with ‘pushing’ buttons – if we fought, I wanted to start and stop the fight all at once. I wanted a resolution, and so I would not walk away from the argument. Guess what?! I was with someone whom needed time to think it thru, breathe, and space to re-collect. Although there was never name calling, which is a difficult thing to hear, there was a lot of anxiety surrounding our fights. I had to learn to walk away too, and he had to learn to not avoid the situation completely. So, now, when we disagree…we take time, mainly because he needed the space to think, and then we would come back together to discuss in a calm/open manner.
And finally, perhaps instead of threatening to not be with a person whom name calls, take action. Let him realize you mean business, and certainly – ideally – it will be enough for him to re-think, and change how he ‘fights’. Provided all else above fails.