Weddingbee boards

I have been agonizing over this for MONTHS. That's not an exaggeration - we got engaged on June 19th and I'm pretty sure I started my deliberation on June 20th. Initially, I didn't want to change my name at all. Then, I started thinking that it might be kind of nice, like a joining of our name-identities. But then, I became somewhat irritated that society expects me to go through the legal hoops of changing my name, but not him. And he agreed to add my name, so we'd both be First Middle MyLast HisLast. But that would make my name 35 characters long, with his at 30 characters. Which would be a pain.

Now, I'm considering just changing my name and leaving his as it is. I love my middle name and am not overly attached to my last name, so I'd be First Middle HisLast.

However (yeah, that had to be coming sooner or later), I do not EVER want to be Mrs. HisFirst HisLast. I realize that's what etiquette dictates, but I hate it. I'm currently Dr. MyFirst MyLast. I'm willing to give up my last name, but I'm most definitely resentful of giving up both my title (which I worked my butt off to earn) and my first name.

Oh, and for the record - the fiance has indicated a preference for me changing my name, but has also said, "It's totally up to you."

Is anyone else in this situation? What did you do? And of the already married folks - how often are you called Mrs. HisFirst HisLast? And how many are Mrs. YourFirst HisLast? Did you officially change your name, or has society just assumed you did?

For all of you who don't think I would be giving up my title - I've looked at NUMEROUS etiquette sites. All of them dictate that if the man has a doctorate, it's mandatory to include it, but if the woman has a doctorate, it's optional. She can be referred to as Dr. or Mrs., and either is appropriate. And I think this is crap.

@101610bride - That's technically incorrect. The man's name should not be separate from his last name. So it should be Dr. HerName and Mr. HisName HisLast. Trust me - I've looked this up and remain entertained that I'll be listed first :)

@Chipmunk - It's not a matter of what I prefer. Oh, should it be so simple. It's a matter of what others will assume. My fiance's family is uber-traditional, and I guarantee I will ALWAYS be Mrs. HisFirst HisLast in their eyes (probably regardless of whether I actually change my name). And I know that they aren't alone. If society would listen to what I want to be called, I'd have no issue at all :)

@littlemissmoo - My fiance is fine with whatever I choose, but has indicated he'd be flattered if I took his name. However, he's also realistic enough to know that, no matter what I decide, I'll still often be referred to as Mrs. HisFirst HisLast. Some friends of ours got married a few years ago, and even though the woman didn't change her name, she still gets checks (from her husband's family, no less!) made out to Mrs. HerFirst HisLast. And she always has to go to the bank and explain that even though that name doesn't exist, the person who they intended to give the money to is actually her - Ms. HerFirst HerLast.

@whfields - I have a friend who also published under her maiden name. It won't help with web searches, but for her CV (fancy resume), she puts an asterisk by each publication with her maiden name, and at the bottom, indicates that HerOldLast was her maiden name, lest people get confused why she's listing articles without her name as an author.

@Mrs. DG - Suddenly, I'm a huge Emily Post fan :) Needless to say, I didn't bookmark the annoying etiquette sites, mainly because they made me angry, so I cannot prove their existence. But I'm super-encouraged that there are multiple sites that disagree and dictate that my Doctor title take precedence over my Mrs. title.

@Gator - I considered going that route, but it would make my full name absolutely ridiculously long. At 35 characters, I'm guessing it wouldn't fit on most government documents. Even just my full name, as it stands right now, is 25 characters, which is often cumbersome.

@Laylabelle - Oh, trust me, I have no problem correcting people :) A group of friends and I were at a restaurant, and our snarky waiter carded every single female at the table except me. (And I had just turned 30, so I was a tad over-sensitive about aging issues.) At that point, I was already annoyed, and then he kept calling me "Miss", as in "Miss, have you decided on a drink?" Or "And what appetizer have you chosen, Miss?" After waiting FOREVER after he took our drink order for him to come back for our food order, he got so irritating with the "Miss, this" and "Miss, that" that I finally said, "It's DOCTOR, not Miss." 

Um, not to be contrarian, but how often is this really going to matter? How often do you get formally addressed mail? And how often do people follow the etiquette rules properly anyway, assuming there is even consensus on the matter? Even if you kept your maiden name, that won't really stop people from addressing you as Mr. and Mrs. Hisfirst Hislast---I have seen it happen a zillion times here on WB, no matter what the woman's name really is. But really, an envelope address is not going to make or break you. And while you were annoyed with the waiter, there is no way he could have known that your proper title was Dr. :)

In your day-to-day life, you can call yourself whatever you please. If you are a Dr. now, then changing your last name won't change that. If you change from Smith to Jones then you can tell everyone to address you as Dr. Jones once you get married. Say it enough and it will stick in regular life, though there will always be people who address envelopes in ways that annoy you or that are incorrect. Heck, I changed my last name and got a wedding invitation addressed to my husband only---was I not even invited? (I was...they just didn't put me on there. Hrrmph.)

I would make your decision on what you want to be called in your everyday life. If you want to take his last name and be Dr. Hislast, then do it. If you want to keep going by your maiden name, then keep it. But the bureaucracies of changing it, while annoying, really do not last that long in the grand scope of things. It's way easier than planning a wedding. :)