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It's your name so I would honestly tell him it's your decision. If he feels so strongly about it, why wouldn't he have both of you just hyphen your names? If he feels strongly about not changing his, he shouldn't pressure you to change yours if you don't.
Ever since FI and I discussed marriage, my original plan was to hyphenate. Then after we got engaged, FI told me that he'd be sad if I hyphenated rather than taking his name outright. Surprising since I really didn't expect him to have an opinion about it at all! And since FI never asks for ANYTHING I felt I should at least try to find a good compromise.
My new plan is rather unorthodox: I'm taking on my maiden name as a SECOND middle name. So it will be first name + middle name + maiden middle name + FI's last name.
That way I'll be taking on FI's last name without completely losing my maiden name. Definitely odd but there are tons of people around with two middle names so this shouldn't shock anyone at the Social Security office (I hope). I'll probably only document it on my SSN card and just use FI's last name on all other paperwork.
Other options I've heard are:
1. Completely replacing your middle name with your maiden name (i.e., first name + maiden name + FI's last name).
2. Creating a "hybrid" last name using both your and your FI's last name. (i.e., Sally Watson and Ronald Wolff would become Sally and Ronald Wolffson)
3. Both you and your FI taking on each other's last names (i.e., Sally Smith-Jones and Ronald Smith-Jones).
Sorry this post ran so long. Hope this helps!
My advice would be that you need to talk to each other about what's informing your preferences. There are a lot of factors underlying the different decisions - career, family concerns, what's "traditional", gender politics, personal histories... it's a very personal decision, and you can't assume that you're bringing the same assumptions to the table.
Make sure your FH understands why you want to keep your name, and what keeping it or changing it means to you. And find out what you changing/keeping your name means to him.
I had always planned on changing my name, but after getting engaged, I started feeling really weird that my name wouldn't be my name anymore. I've had it since I was born, you know? FI and I argued a couple of times about it, before I said clearly to him what was bothering me about it. He explained his point of view (that having the same name represented that we were a family, and that the "unorthodox" options would ruffle a lot of feathers with his family & friends back home, and wouldn't be worth it).
Once he'd heard my point of view, he said "I see where you're coming from... I would definitely feel weird about changing my name too. I hope you do, but I'll understand if you don't." Just hearing that affirmation was what I needed. I'll be changing my name, and I'm happy with that decision.
I'm doing the whole adding the last name and making my maiden name my second middle name because I have a desire to keep my name, but my family and his family completely expect me to take his name and have expressed they would be upset if I should choose otherwise. I am ok with the tradition, but I think it's important to keep my name because well...it's my name! I have grown attached to it...so it will still be a part of me:)
We have discussed it even before we got engaged. I have always said I want to keep my name, he has always said if you want to marry me you will change, I say if you want me to marry you I will keep my name. We are at a stalemate.
I have told him my feelings, but he says when we get married I take his name since I am in his family now, I say what happened to MY family? I don't know how else to make him see my view, but I'm sure he feels the same. Moving my maiden name to my middle name is still changing my last name so not an option in my eyes. I cringe when his mother at family gatherings says "oh this is exciting next year there will be 3 Mrs. hislastname's in the kitchen!".
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I am still on the fence on this issue. And we're getting married in 2 months!
I TOTALLY feel you on the whole not wanting to be Mrs. Hislastname like his mom!!!
Would you consider having 4 names: Mary Alice Arnold Anderson? I think I'm going to do something similar (not my real last name, but his name has the same initial as mine)
We actually have the opposite problem of you and your fiance. I would be willing to change my name, but I don't really want to. If he asked me to, I would. If it were important to him, I would. Instead, neither of us is being very opinionated. Actually, when we first talked about it, he said he doesn't expect me to change my name. So I figure I'll leave things as they are.
I'll probably add his name after mine (no hyphen) socially, but not officially, and consider the legal name change later. It sounds like a mouthful, so I might think about it a bit longer.
Good luck... is this the only sticking point you two have? It seems kind of major. Seriously, a disagreement over changing your name is a big deal in my eyes.
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I agree that it will be strange to be the Mrs. FI because really, that's his mother. I guess I would be Mrs. Aaron FI rather than Mrs. William FI, but still. My FI says it wouldn't hurt his feelings if I kept my name, but I know that it would. I don't mind giving up my name so much. I like the idea of adding a second middle name for official documents...I'm still deciding, I guess...
If both of you feel very strongly about it, then your stalemate is a pretty big deal, in my opinion. I think you need to move the conversation from discussing whether you should change your name and instead talk about how you will deal with situations about which you disagree once you are married. You are not always going to agree, and when feelings are high you need to be able to reach a compromise that is acceptable to both of you. Maybe you will agree that one of you gets the trump card when it comes to certain situations. In this situation it is your name so I think you get the trump card. How do you feel about going by his name in social situations?
p.s. I just changed my name to First Middle MaidenAsSecondMiddle HisLast and I am happy with the situation. My maiden name is still in there but so far I have not used it and practically it's like it's not really there. I'm choosing to go by "First HisLast" though, but I could just as easily go by "First Maiden HisLast" and be perfectly legal. I like having these options.
Well my solution to this is keeping my last name professionally and using his last name socially. I feel like my professional identity includes my maiden name; I've started my career and earned my degrees with MY name. However I don't want my future 7 year old to have to explain to his or her friends why mommy's name is different from daddy's name.
Initially I wanted to just hypenate and use that name for all purposes, but my FI was a little upset by that. He's fine with my compromise.
@greencardwedding, perhaps you could find a way to also compromise? Ultimately though, it is your name.
I am also going to change my name to be First Name + Maiden Name + His Last Name.
I chose to do this because I feel strongly about my heritage and because I have a unique last name. When I spoke to my aunt about this (she is very wise, so I seek her advice frequently 
) she brought up a good point about tracing lineage. She has done loads of family history research and explained that historically it was common practice to simply add the new last name on to the end. This way, you don't lose the ties to your family as the generations go by.
Another reason is that I have worked for a long time to establish an identity. I am very happy with the woman I have become through the trials and tribulations of life. I am not ready to completely give that up and take his name, no matter how much I love him. I think making my maiden name my middle name is a good compromise for this.
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If you really feel strongly about not changing your name, it should be your decision. If this is a deal-breaker for either of you, it seems to me like maybe you need to reconsider what is most important to each of you. (My first instict is to say something like "If I don't change my name you would really rather not marry me?" but that's probably not going to be helpful.)
I do think you'll need to at least accept that people will call you Mrs. HisName socially, regardless of your legal name. I still remember getting yelled at by the mother of a kindergarten friend because I could never remember which half of my friend's hyphenated name belonged to which parent. And that's just not okay.
(And FYI, I'm planning on changing my name, and my fiance was totally shocked. I don't think it had even occurred to him.)
Good luck! I hope you reach a compromise that you're both happy with.
It seems like he's being unfair about it -- like you said, what happens to your family? It always makes me a cringe a ltitle when men insist that women take their name. Or when someone uses Mrs HisFirst HisLast to address a woman. For me, it's just about politics and identity, I guess.
Personally, I'm just going to go by First + Maiden + His Last like some other people here mentioned. I really really didn't want to change it entirely, but felt completely comfortable utilizing both. I LOVE my last name and don't think I could ever bear not using it. But adding his on is, for me, an addition I'm comfortable with. It was a good compromise for us. I hope you guys work something out and that he comes around to understanding your point of view!
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I'm keeping my name. I'm an academic, so in the circles I move around in, it would be considered a bit strange and old-fashioned to CHANGE my name. My fiance is fine with it. His mom kept her name and it didn't scar him as a child, even growing up in a small town in the midwest. It's not really the name change that would bother me -- it can be a sweet thing to change your name. But I don't like the Mrs. = Mister's possessive thing. It's kinda weird to be referred to as someone else's.
Anyway, it's YOUR name. That gives you the veto power ;) You could also go by Mrs. _____ in social situations as a compromise.
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I struggled with this as well...
I actually have 2 FIRST names, no middle name and a long (4 syllable) last name. And though my name is long, it has a nice flow to it (15 syllables total).
He has a short (1 syllable) last name, so if I eliminated my last name and just used his, I don't think the whole thing would flow well. And my last name represents both of my parent's ethnicities and is...well... me.
At first, I was going to just have 2 FIRST names and 2 LAST names, but since so many people have trouble understanding to call me by my 2 first names (and not just the first first name), I thought there would be no way that folks would know to call me by both first names and both last names.
Bottom line- I am hyphenating. So my work email will become super crazy long, but I think it is the best solution.
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I have a long first name, two long middle names, and a long, Italian last name. His name is monosyllabic and very very English. I would love to hyphenate, but I'm in the same boat as you. He's very adamant that I take his name.
We have yet to find a compromise, but I'm thinking I'll just be First Middle1 Middle2 Maiden Last (for a total of five names - yipes!) once we get married, and I'll keep my maiden initial for all formal purposes. And I totally plan to give our kids two middle names, one of which may very well be my maiden name. :)
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I have also expressed an interest in keeping my last name and FH isn't having it. He thinks we need to stick to tradition and I get his last name. He said that our options are me taking his last name or us together choosing a new last name. I just really like my name. It flows well and it is something I have had since I was born that my parents put thought into giving me. I am going to take his name regardless because that is just what you do when you are a female and you get married, but it would make me feel good for him to at least THINK about the other options.
In the end, it is your name and you have to sign it, respond to it, and introduce yourself as it so it is your decision. He should at least be understanding and supportive.
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: 7.5pt; font-family: 'Verdana','sans-serif'">I had a similar situation. My FI and I have been together for a while and we have had some heated discussions about my name change. While I was willing to compromise by hyphenating, he was not. He finally realized though that it was what made me happy that really mattered. At this point we are still discussing options, but it is ultimately my decision to make, unless we both decide to change our names. Your happiness should come first and your FI should understand that you will be a family no matter what your names are.
OK it's not as bad as I guiess I made it sound. We have been living together for 3 years and bought a house together over a year ago, for all intensive purposes we are living as we're married now anyway (all finanaces combined, two dogs, and a house!). We have had our fair share of fights already.
He feels strongly to be traditional and he has no brothers, so he is worried about his name dying out. He is worried any kids we might have would not have his name. I would compromise to let the kids have my last and his last (no hypen) so I don't have to change. I think it's so unfair to have to change your name because you get married.
I always thought I'd keep my name professionally and change it. But now as we get closer I don't want to change. So, I'm not. My fiance's only request is the kids have his last name and that's what I want. For me, this is about my identity and who I am and how I think of myself not my children's last name. I may find I want to change it later I'm leaving my mind open on it.
Good word of advice I learned from my mom's best friend when discussing this very topic I learned for the first time in the 25 years I've known her that she never changed her name. We've always called her by her married last name in family reference like we're going to Lisa Smith's tonight. She said it worked perfectly because she got to look at her license and always see her name so she didn't mind when people called her Smith instead of Jones. And it made her husband happy. Best of luck, this is something I'd encourage you to stand your ground on and talk about.
i really didn't want to change my name either... for 2 reasons. 1. mine is super unique and rare while his is SO common and 2. i wasn't thrilled with being Mrs. FI's Last name since it's just like his mom. When i discussed this with the FI he said he realy wanted me to because it signified us becoming a family. so then i suggested that he take MY last name since it's so unique but he was having none of that. i previously suggested that i hypenate to which he vetoed as well. FI is being very stubborn on this. i think ultimately i will have to move my maiden to my middle and use his last name. it just kinda bugs me that he wasn't willing to compromise at all. let's see how much he likes it if i force him to change his last name.
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I had a hard time with this. I don't want to hypenate . So i'll have 4 names. I really don't like the idea that my maiden name might "die out" but we have and will continue to talk about that as we have children.
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I'd never marry a man who would force me to change my name (although in the end, the person changing is the one who has to sign the paperwork, so I don't see how people can exactly be "forced"). I'm not willing to give up my last name as my last name (i.e. moving it to my middle), but I am willing to adopt his name in some fashion -- IF AND ONLY IF he is willing to adopt mine in the same way. The choice is up to him, but either we both change or neither of us do.
We go around on name changes also. FI is being traditional and my family wants to agree with him. Ouch. The Whole name thing's a pain in the rear.
I loved changing my name. It certainly makes it easier with the kids' last nams. But anyway.
I think you need to get it figured out. So are willing to let the kisd have his last name? I think it sounds like a good compromise. What did you mean by your last name no hyphen?? Your last name would be the kids' middle name?
This is a good test in working to come up with a solution on big decisions that you both can live with.
Would your FI be open to perhaps you taking his last name as your middle name, or if you don't want it to be "your last name-his last name", would he be open to "his last name- your last name"?
It sounds like you want your last name to remain the final name in your name? Thats why no hypen? or are you open to it? The hypen truely is a statment of women independance, because the reason women took the mans last name was to show ownership, therefore the hypen allows the women to keep her own identity, while still showing the union of marriage. The worst thing I've encountered is when someone sees a women's last name that is hyphened and ignores the first part, a hyphenated last name (in its entirity) is that persons last name and should be addressed as so! Therefore by hyphenating your last name, you arn't losing your idenity or your family's idenity (IMO) but you do have the decision as to the order if you would like.
Tough subject and it can get touchy. It's also very personal, so really you just have to talk about what works for you both.
Personally, I changed my name. Unlike some of the other people who posted, I am totally fine with being Mrs. Hislastname just like his mother because I love and respect his mother. I thought about using my maiden name as my middle name (because 4 names is too much for me personally) and dropping my middle name. But my husband actually said he didn't want me to do that because he really likes my middle name which I think is sweet. So it's first, middle, hislast for me.
It's much easier for one thing. People even made wedding gift checks out to "myfirst hislast" apparently forgetting that it would be months until I can cash them.
The bottom line is though, if you can't come up with some compromise you can both live with, you might want to think seriously about the attitudes of both you and your finace. It shouldn't be a deal-breaker for either partner and if it is, maybe it's better that the deal gets broken.
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Hi, new here.
Just had a q which I am sure has been duscussed before: What advice would you give someone who feels very strongly about keeping her name and her Fi feels VERY strongly about her taking his name?
thanks