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We strongly considered La Residence - we loved it when we visited, but ultimately Napa just ended up being too pricey for us. They might be a little "country" for your taste, but I think its actually just rustic wine country decor, not really floral wallpappery.
I would highly recommend the Lodge at Sonoma. We've stayed there a few times, there are 4 rooms to each little lodge and it's super romantic and modern. Prices are usually around $200-300 depending on time of year
http://www.thelodgeatsonoma.com/
We also love the minimalist look of a bunch of places in Napa/Yountville (i.e., Carneros Inn, Bardessono), but found them all to be unaffordable for our guests. We narrowed it down to the River Terrace Inn and the Marriott (http://www.napavalleymarriott.com/). Neither had the look that we prefer, but were really the only feasible ones (both quoted us $300/night). We ended up going with the Marriott because they were more accomodating and gave us a better price (no extra catering fee). You might look into the Westin; we never got a quote from them but I think they should be comparably priced and had a more modern look than the other two. Good luck!
Have you looked into the Silverado Resort?
http://www.silveradoresort.com/
Weddings in Sonoma/Napa will inevitably be expensive. You could also consider one of the many other wine countries in California, for example Monterey, Santa Barbara, or even Paso Robles. They're all beautiful!
@instantcoffee: Have you ever stayed in the regular hotel rooms at Silverado Resort? We are considering it and when I requested info, the rates were not bad. But when I looked up the Silverado Resort on tripadvisor it had mixed reviews... some people liked it, and some said it was in need of renovation, run down, not worth the money etc. Unfortunately, planning from Florida I have to heavily rely on reviews since I can't go look in person.
For those prices you will need to stick to the less touristy cities like Napa (city) or try Sonoma County options such as Santa Rosa, Healdsburg (adorable little town) or Windsor.
While the entire valley is extremely accessible the closer to the main attractions the higher the prices. Santa Rosa (Sonoma County) while nothing spectactular can offer you better prices with a straight shot over the mountain to Calistoga (Napa Valley).
Santa Rosa has Vitners Inn which is gorgeous and can offer rooms around $325-390.00 a night. They do weddings so they would definitely have the additional space for your needs. http://www.vintnersinn.com/index2.asp
@Champagne Cupcakes: I haven't stayed at Silverado (or even seen it) myself, unfortunately; I only know about it because we were also looking for a retreat-style wedding in Napa/Sonoma. I think from what I remember, some of the rooms have been renovated and some have not, so you would want to book a block of renovated rooms for your family if possible. I know you said you can't really visit, but renting a venue sight unseen can be a big risk, since many places are misrepresented in pictures. We planned our wedding from Boston and came out to CA to visit our top venue list. You'll also want to meet the site manager/event coordinator and make sure you like them!
The place we ended up trying to book in Napa fell through, so we ended up renting a historic mansion in Mill Valley, which is north of San Francisco and about 45 minutes away from Sonoma (close enough that we arranged for a day-after-wedding wine tour in Sonoma for our guests). If you're not dead set on having a wedding directly in Sonoma/Napa, this could be a nice alternative -- the North Bay is beautiful!
If you're having a very small wedding (<35 people) you could also consider this pair of villas in Sonoma:
http://www.sonomawinecountryvacationhomes.com/index.html
Or this pair of Russian River rentals that sleep 28 and accommodate 100 for a wedding:
http://www.gocontente.com/groups.html
Or, you could just have your wedding at one of the many beautiful wineries and just find a nearby hotel. In this case your best luck might be in Sonoma (since only three wineries in Napa allow weddings, by law). Let me know if you need some winery suggestions!
EDIT - I might have misunderstood what you're looking for; do you want a wedding venue that also has accomodations, or do you just want a hotel/resort? I was assuming the former; there are a lot of possibilities for the latter if you're okay with a standard hotel! Santa Rosa has many cheap but nice accomodations, for example...
There are some options but it takes a little investigating :)
Napa: http://www.beazleyhouse.com/index.php (drive by it just about everyday, nice property)
Russian River: http://dawnranch.com/
Sonoma:
http://www.depotsonoma.com/Depot-Weddings-Packages.html
Calistoga: http://www.calistogainn.com/hotel.html
Bodega Bay: http://www.scvilla.com/ (I have stayed there, nice property)
Hope that helps!
We will be married in Napa so I have done a LOT of research. We are staying at Vino Bello. The updated rooms at Silverado are beautiful but you HAVE to tell them you want the updated rooms if you stay there. Thirdly, the Meritage is very nice. We were engaged there. Lastly, the Marriott may be a nice option for you. Good luck! If you need any other help with vendors in Sonoma/Napa. :)
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Does anyone know of any nice resorts in napa, sonoma, or anywhere in wine country really? We've been trying to find a venue in the california wine country (still haven't settled on one yet!) We decided we wanted to do a destination wedding because my FI and I love to travel and wanted our wedding to be more of a family/close friends vacation than a traditional wedding. We also love wine so a big trip to wine country seemed like a fantastic idea. However, as we starting researching, finding a hotel/resort/B&B that is nice and to our taste (we like the modern minimalistc simple look, for some reason I can't stomach the idea of being in one of the country floral bedspread and floral wallpaper type B&B) seems like an impossible task at the moment. Every place we've found that we love has been $600+ per night, or only has a few rooms and can't accomodate most our guests (small wedding, about 35-50 guests). We would love to find a nice place where most of our guests can stay (with rooms below $300/night)... does anyone have any suggestions??