Post # 1
I dont want to go through all the gory details– but this woman has been nothing but trouble in my life from the day I met her. She was friends with FI first and we made the effort to be friends with her but she eventually became a threat to my relationship. Without trying to glaze over too much…FI and I had to overcome somewhat of an emotionally cheating situation.
Long exhausting story short– we have pretty much just started ignoring her together and our lives have been really perfect. She pops up every now and then (we want to avoid a straight up confrontation) and we keep her at arm’s length. FI and I both havent spoken to her in months when all of a sudden she tells me that she applied for a position at my company. I know she has been looking for a job– she hates hers, cant get along with any of her co-workers, and is willing to leave her manager level job for pretty much an entry level position, which is pretty close to what the position is at my company. She asked if she can use me as a reference and I said yes, hoping that they will ask me if she’s good and now I’m not sure it was a good idea or what to say. I know it might come off as incredibly childish to say “this is a woman who almost broke up my relationship, she’s poison” but thats pretty much what happened. I told FI i will quit and put all my energy into finding a new job if she actually gets it.
Bees, I dont know what to do! 🙁
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
When they call there is nothig wrong with saying that “her behaviors have a way of causing unnecessary drama in the office with co-workers.” I would leave it at that so they don’t think you are gossipping. She was dummy to ask you to be her reference! Just remember, do not say anything that is not true and honestly, the less you say, the better.
Post # 4
How many employees are at the company? If it were me, I would have a private conversation with my boss and the hiring person/boss of the open position, and tell them that someone approached you about the job and that you really can’t recommend them for the job. Leave the personal stuff out. I REPEAT: Do not include any personal reasons that you don’t want to work with this individual. If you feel like the boss wants a reason, just say that her personality is not good for the company, or something along those lines.
Post # 5
@beachbride1216: Brilliant wording!! She doesnt really get that FI and I dont like her anymore; I bet she just thinks we are busy or something. She was often too close with FI and I once tried being totally honest with her and telling her when she does x, y and z, it makes me feel very uncomfortable…she ended up saying to my face that we were cool, and then telling FI (then bf) that I was annoying and rude. Since then I’ve kept things as light as possible and not really say anything to her. Its not small wonder she doesnt get along with her current coworkers!
Post # 6
@Ashley_P: maybe 150? Its a small place and we would occasionally have to work together if she got the position. I know she would have to interview with a bunch of people, and unfortunately I’m not superclose with who would be her immediate boss. But I think its good to say that i just dont think she would be a good fit for the company given her personality. Thank you!!
Post # 7
My sister’s BFF actually did something similar!
My sister calls out all the time/is a terrible employee. So she applied to a job where her BFF works, and listed her as a reference!
But BFF had a chat with the boss and told him how she brought unnecessary tension to her workplace/can be disrespectful/call out behavious, and she didn’t get the job!
My sister still doesn’t know, but her BFF told me since she felt bad about it!
There’s all sorts of work-related negatives you can say!
Post # 8
You can’t repeat any of the personal stuff – it reflects poorly on you (because it’s not a work related criticism). What you can say is, “I don’t really feel it would be appropriate for me to discuss why, but I can’t recommend her for this position.” And don’t go into it. It should get the job done.
Post # 9
@beachbride1216: “Just remember, do not say anything that is not true and honestly, the less you say, the better.“
@geekspice: “You can’t repeat any of the personal stuff – it reflects poorly on you (because it’s not a work related criticism).”
I think a combination of @beachbride1216: and @geekspice: ideas would be perfect:
“Her behaviors have a way of causing unnecessary drama in the office with co-workers and for other reasons I don’t really feel it would be appropriate for me to discuss, I simply can’t recommend her for this position.”
Post # 10
@1stRosie: I agree with the other PPs about not saying any of the personal stuff, but something like “she’s not a team player” would probably suffice.
Post # 11
Just be careful about a too-vague, “I can’t go into details” type response. If a co-worker gave me that response when I asked for a reference, my immediate response would be “why do you say that?” Also, if you do give a sort of vague response and she gets an interview anyway, she could say “She just doesn’t like me because I’m an old friend of her fiance”.
I would ignore the personal stuff and concentrate on the fact that she hates her current company. I think I would say, “Has she given any referees from her current company? Because from what I’ve heard she’s having a lot of conflicts there. I get the impression that conflict follows her a lot”.
Post # 12
If I feel I could not give someone a good recommendation, I would not agree to be their reference to begin with, and give them a chance to find someone else who might.
Post # 13
@paula1248: Yeah, it would work in my experience. I hired hundreds of people over the twenty years I spent as a corporate manager. If I had gotten that response from a coworker who had been listed as a reference, I would have drawn two conclusions:
1. The applicant has poor judgement, because they chose as a reference someone who obviously doesn’t respect or want to work with them.
2. The coworker has incriminating info on the applicant, but is trying to be discreet, not gossipy, while still giving me a heads-up that this person could be a problem hire. And hiring managers will do anything to avoid a problem hire, because it is such an ordeal most of the time to fire someone.
TBH if someone responded to me the way you did, I would view that as gossipy. I would also wonder if this was firsthand info, or mere rumours being repeated. Although I still would be reluctant to hire the applicant, I might look slightly askance at the coworker as well.
Post # 14
ahhhh update!!! I went to my HR manager (who is a pretty cool person) and i asked if we could talk about something a little sensitive. she said “sure pull up a chair”. i said that i know someone who applied to the position over the weekend and used me as a reference…only i cant recommend her for the position. she asked why and i said well to be honest i think she’s overqualified and she nodded and said they were really looking for someone out of college. I said not only that but i just know her to be generally disruptive to the work environment.
She said wow, no problem, she wasnt going to answer the inquiry anyway since she is grossly overqualified. 🙂