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Are you guys paying for the food and drinks at brunch? or is it a strain financially for whoever is? if not, I say in the interest of familial harmony, invite her to the brunch.
they may have only been together for 4 months, but who knows? it could be the relationship of a lifetime. you don't want to look back on this time 10 years from now and potentially be embarrased about this kind of argument over a future sister-in-law.
it could at the least strain things with you and your BIL to be and between brothers.. is it really worth that? some things we just have to let go unfortunately!
This seems to be one the those things that we brides tend to insist on because that is how we have always pictured them in our heads. But when you step back and look at the big picture if this is such a big deal for him, why not be the nice one? You will have too many things going to mind if she is there or not. I would say the more the merrier.
I have always been very uncomfortable with head tables and bridal party only limos because they tend to make the significant others feel very uncomfortable and excluded. I would never want to do that my my friends because I know they will have a much better time with their significant others.
I think that it is in his best interest if he finds it very disturbing to be apart that he be able to attend to all of her needs and devote 100% to her if he doesn't really have the time. I don't know her well enough and to me it's more rude to say ok see ya you can't come to the fitting part because you're not in the wedding. This "brunch" is more like serve yourself a bagel not even an hour thing. Why would she come down from LA to Orange County for a bunch of my family and my FI getting ready to head out? Plus I did want for my FI and I to be able to say a few words to our Bridal Party thanking them for being a part and it's kind of a private affair, and I was going to give each couple a goodie bag. He's already paired up with his sister. I can't leave his sister without a partner. It doesn't make any sense. If my brother had been planning to be married for years, and I just started dating somebody that didn't know my brother why would I insist that I bring him and give ultimatums. It's just not feasible and the dissension is like throwing a monkey wrench into our party and our plans. It's not a debate. It's already been decided. I realize that I may seem harsh but there are a couple of things that I only want the Bridal Party in such as photos prior, during, after, etc. Being announced, sitting at the head table, church rehearsal, standing at the alter, etc. and those are all people who we have known and shared our journey to this point with. I understand that he wants to establish their commitment and their seriousness but I don't feel that this occassion should be for another agenda. I have already spoken with my FI and Bridal Party who agree that it should only be the Bridal Party. Everybody agrees. His father, his sister, my grandmother, my Maid of Honor, etc.
ok well her coming from "out of town" and "speeches thanking bridal party" make things different from your original post. I understand what you mean more now about wanting things to be private, and like the previous response said, I know it is really hard to see things differently once it's in your head a certain way.
I would still just try to be super diplomatic about it though.. What if you and your FI offered to come up and see them at another time and go out to dinner?
If the brother is looking to introduce you all to his new g-friend, maybe putting some effort into seeing them together can appease the situation.
I think him wanting to bring her isn't about wanting to insert her into your bridal party, but maybe he is just having issues with you guys getting so much attention and him wanting to feel like his relationship is valid too.
weddings are emotional land mines!
I'm not sure why your FBIL wants to bring his girlfriend along. However, I do think it is reasonable and normally done to include your bridal party's SOs in social functions (of which brunch would be one, RD would certainly be another). If she wants to come to brunch and then just hand out at the house with FMIL while the guys to tux fittings, what is the harm in that?
I think that if you read through past postings, you'll see that most people have the courtesy to let the GMs and BMs sit with their SOs at the reception as well. However, if you're going to insist on a head table that doesn't include SOs, then it's an especially good idea to get the wedding party's SOs together a few times before the wedding, so that they are comfortable as their own little group, and not just sitting alone during dinner at the reception, not knowing many of the people in the room.
You certainly should have photos that are just the wedding party. It's not normal or customary to chase all other guests away for these photos - SOs usually hang out and watch - and you should have your photographer take some pictures of your individual GMs and BMs with their SOs. It's sort of an unspoken benefit of being in the wedding party that you end up with a few snaps of you and your SO all dressed up and looking good.
I think you have to make accomodations for your individual attendants, or you risk a lot of bad feeling all around. After all, they are agreeing to do you the favor of going through a lot of trouble and expense to stand up for you on your wedding day. You're the bride, not a general - they are your friends and family - not the army. Your wedding is certainly about you and your commitment, but that doesn't mean that nobody else is allowed to have any other agenda. Seriously, my best advice is to go ahead and include her, and any other SOs who would like to come to brunch. Otherwise both your FBIL and his girlfriend (and your FMIL, as far as I can tell from your previous comments in other posts) end up feeling slighted, and quite frankly you come off like a real b*tch. You already sound quite a bit more upset about this than is really warranted. Maybe take a step back, take a deep breath, and recognize that you're not going to accomplish anything here besides driving a wedge between your FI and his brother - and it's certainly not worth that, is it?
I don't plan to chase other guests away from pictures. The photos after the ceremony will run at the same time that the guests are arriving at the reception, signing in, finding their seats, having a cocktail, etc. and by the time the after ceremony photos at the church are done we will arrive to the reception and be announced. As far as the RD goes I never intended not to include SOs. This is really the only thing that I planned to have just the Bridal Party attend. It's the first occassion in a succession of little occassions leading up to the wedding, and was the first and last time that my Bridal Party would meet up together in one place. We have three people in the Bridal Party coming in from out of state. I don't think it's fair to say that I sound unwarranted considering you don't know me personally. His mother btw has already apologized and said that she undertands now that it should only be the Bridal Party, she even spoke to her daughter my FSIL, and my FBIL's wife who are in the Bridal Party and they all agreed that it is only a fitting for the Bridal Party. Also my FMIL is going to the shops with us. It's not a formal brunch here. It's an at home metting point take a breather before we head out to the shops.
You seem to have posted on this site not for advice but to get affirmation of a decision that you have already made. Now that you are not hearing what you want you are arguing with posters on a website about it.
You asked for advice. Various people have given their advice but since it is not what you wanted to hear you are getting more and more defensive and arguing some more.
If you are so sure of your decision and you have all of these people agreeing with you, why post here? Is it because maybe deep inside you are not quite sure about the "rightness" of that decision and need more validation?
Saying thank you to the bridal party is not a secret initiation ritual? Many events leading up to and during the wedding will involve a lot of thank you's with other people being present to witness those thank yous. You seem to be insisting on this simply because it's what you want. There is no etiquette-related or even rational reason for this as it seems to be sowing discord in your family and causing unnecessary drama. If the next statement out of your mouth will be "Because I am the Bride!" you really need to take a deep breath, smile, and say instead "Whatever will make everyone happier and more comfortable!"
I wasn't asking for advice at all on if I should include somebody who isn't in the Bridal Party. I was asking for advice on how I can communicate that to my FBIL.
Personally, I would just let his gf come, but I would also make the effort to talk to her instead of letting your FI talk to his brother who then in turn talks to his gf. Is the gf insisting on coming, or is FI's brother insisting? It could be the brother who's insisting... I think as long as the girl is aware of the fact that 1) this is an event originally planned for the wedding party only, 2) the brunch part of it is very informal and short, 3) words will be said and photos for wedding party only will be taken....and she herself still insists on coming and is willing to make the drive from LA to OC...then so be it. I would let her come as long as she has a clear understanding of what this event is about, and as long as she is willing to drive back home when people split for the fittings. Maybe its the "brunch" word thats throwing things off...that makes me picture a nice leisurely meal, but it seems you're saying its more like a very quick bite to eat, serve yourself, etc.
It sounds like this has become a big deal in your family, to the point where a lot of people have gotten involved and even his mother has apologized. I would imagine if she went, it would be more uncomfortable and awkward for her than anyone else. If she does end up going, I would still do the "couple" things as planned, with the brother and sister getting a goody bag...of course letting the brother know this is the compromise for letting his gf come and for him not to get all fussy about that too. I understand that its not pleasant to have the plans you had your heart set on, suddenly have to change, but perhaps this is a situation where you can be the classier person and give in a little. Good luck!
I have nothing against the gf at all. She's seems like a very nice person but I have only met her 4 times so I don't know her well enough. I doubt she is insisting on anything. Yes I definately think it's the "brunch" word throwing people off. I didn't know it would be this big of a thing. It's not a fancy thing at all. The only reason I was even thinking of it in the first place is because my mother is driving with my two little sisters the flower girls from 2.5 hours away to get to us and I didn't want to say ok mom get back in the car now we're going. I wanted her to be able to come in, grab something, use the restroom, not feel rushed that sort of thing.
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This may be the first time in the wedding planning process that you have had to either compromise your vision of one particular thing or go through a lot of unpleasantness, but it's far from the last. You really have to pick your battles. If you pitch a fit every time somebody has an idea that changes your plans, it is going to get old really fast. Because people are going to have their own ideas, and mess with your plans every step of the way. It would be good to start early with the practice of asking yourself "Does this really matter?" Like vyeta says, there is really no percentage in arguing with your FILs. And just because they eventually give up and let you get your own way does not mean they don't think you're being unreasonable. It just means that they're tired of the argument, and they will now proceed to talk about you behind your back. Believe it or not, you really need your FILs goodwill through this process. Establishing right up front that you can get hysterical over details like this is not going make everybody more eager to help out.
And criticizing your FBIL and his relationship is only going to make things worse. So what if he spends (in your opinion) too much time with his girlfriend? Hey, maybe they'll elope the month before your wedding! Maybe they'll elope later this month, and by your wedding she will be hugely pregnant, and everybody will be so enamored with the thought of the impending grandkid that you will be completely overshadowed. Seriously, whether their relationship lasts or not, you need to treat them both with respect. Comments about whether it's in his best interest to spend so much time with her are not really appropriate.
Sorry... but I'd just let her come to the brunch, as long as she is leaving afterward (before the real bridal party-pertinent parts).
I do agree that the wedding process seems to be a lot of unexpected things that you wouldn't have thought of and I have heard from somebody I know who has finished planning her wedding and now getting married next month that it won't be the last time. So from experience she did tell me that it has only begun but I never imaggined. This is the first thing in my wedding process at all let alone all the other stuff. I don't agree with the thinking that my FILs are tired and so are letting me get my way over a fit, and will talk and hate on me behind my back. That is not on me regardless, and it's not nice of you to say. Give me a break. I have been part of their family for years now. His mom has said ily to me and I know they are not wishing me ill. That's just dumb to say. Why would you even say that omg? I wouldn't be suprised at all if they married, or had a baby, and wouldn't feel threatened or unhappy to congradulate them at all. I would be happy to be an aunt and I know that will happen someday anyway... Give me a break I could never wish a baby bad. I am not criticizing his relationship at all. I am wondering if maybe he would prefer to sit with her at a guest table that way they can be together because they seem so attached. Maybe they would both have more fun, and I am wondering if maybe he doesn't really have the time to do all of the Bridal Party events we have planned.
Yeah, I ran into trouble with my bridal party having time to do the stuff I imagined we could do together. I even picked people that were close in location to me but it has still been rough. Even when I went to try on my dress, I thought it would be me and my bridesmaids. But then my nephew's fiance showed up to try on her dress! I mean, come on, was she trying to take away all my fun?
You have no idea how many people think that they are the most important in your life, and how hard it is to make what you "imagined" happen.
This is definalty only the beginning. I'm almost sorry I didn't elope in Las Vegas like FI wanted to! But 12 more days and it will be all over! (or just beginning, depending on how you look at it)
I'm with you, I think that just the WP is the way to go - however being that FI already told him something else it might cause some issues.
I would still go in and tell him, explain no one else is being aloowed to being kids and or SO's and no one has even asked. It may be hard for him to understand but as the best man he shoulnd't be so needy and codependant on his g/f, whom he seems awfully in need of pleasing....
Well it seems like you already know what you want. Why don't you just tell him what you've told all of us? That there really isn't a real brunch, just a quick grab and go breakfast before fitting and you wouldn't want to inconvenience FBIL's gf with the extra trip especially since the fittings are for WP only? And that you look forward to meeting her at some other nonspecified time before the wedding, maybe for a quick meal between you, FI, FBIL and her? If he insists, then be a little bit more firm and say there isn't room and you would feel badly because there wouldn't be time for anyone to entertain her or really keep her company since everyone will be busy with their clothes and getting fitted. And then if he really keeps making a fuss, then either get your FI to talk to him, or he can just take his gf with him. You said she probably isn't the one making the fuss...if this is THAT important to you, then you can always ask for her contact information and have a nice personal chat with her directly...explain the situation and again reiterate that you'd love to meet her at some other time when you would all have the chance to get together for some one on one time.
Okay, first you say:
"I think that it is in his best interest if he finds it very disturbing to be apart that he be able to attend to all of her needs and devote 100% to her if he doesn't really have the time. "
And then you say you're not criticizing your FBIL or his relationship.
In an earlier post you said you sent invitations for this brunch, you said that your FMIL was hosting. Earlier in this post you said you have paired people up and prepared gift bags, and then you say it's just a bagel on the run... it's not making any sense to me.
And seriously - if you're wondering how to better accomodate FBIL and his girlfriend, it hasn't been apparent up until just now. It was pretty clear earlier in this post and in your previous posts that you were trying to make a case for excluding her, and having arguments with both FBIL and FMIL to that end.
And yes, their family (and your family, and your BMs) will talk behind your back about the crazy bridezilla things you do. Just like you're talking behind your FBIL's back about his relationship. Why would I say it? Because it's true! My sister gets the wedding planning craziness stories about me from my mom, and then calls me to relay the dirt. And vice versa, I'm sure. FI and I talk (sometime endlessly, it seems) about his psycho sister and the drama she introduces into the picture. We all love each other - that doesn't mean we don't talk about how crazy one or the other of us is acting.
I really do think she seems very friendly all the times I have met her and don't want to hurt her feelings at all. I don't even think she knows anything about the fitting at all. I think she would actually be excited and happy for us to have a nice little day... I just don't want it to be awkward or confusing. I am worried that his brother isn't going to want to do any of the things that only include the Bridal Party. Like well I'll just meet you at the alter exactly at the start of the ceremony type of thing instead of being at my FI side... Or like not really have his heart in hanging at the bachelor party even... Thanks for all of the advice... It is perfect! Definately...
On another note suzanno I definately don't want to be a bridezilla at all... IF my family talk and gossip that is their business... I doubt it though... I posted my thoughts on this board because the posters here seem to be very knowledgeable and I am never no matter how passionate I am or how seemingly stuck in my ways, deep down I am never closed minded. I do offer constructive criticism, and am grateful to the more wedding experienced posters here. I am entitled to work things out, see things from another's view, and have changes even... So what if I posted something previously... Anyway don't even read or respond to my posts then you want to be so negative and rude towards me...
i can't believe everyone is saying that you should just let her come. i think the only way that would be appropriate for the event that you've described (eating a quick breakfast, then heading out) would be if everyone else's SO's are invited, too. ESPECIALLY if you're planning some intimate words for your bridal party.
plus, if you cave on this, what's next? is he going to ask that she be in the bridal party next? the family pictures? your bachelorette party?
Honestly, whether you choose to accept it or not... and it sounds like you wont... this is not a battle worth fighting. Of course we don't know your family or their feelings, but it should send some sort of signal to you that quite a few commenters here, who are probably all brides and most likely people to sympathize with you, think you should be the one compromising. It sounds like you have made your feelings clear to your FBIL and he thinks you are being unreasonable. You can either start a battle or just make the best of it. We are not going to be able to tell you some new way to express that.
You say, ""I am wondering if maybe he would prefer to sit with her at a guest table that way they can be together because they seem so attached. Maybe they would both have more fun, and I am wondering if maybe he doesn't really have the time to do all of the Bridal Party events we have planned."
Now it sounds like you are thinking about kicking him out of the bridal party but trying to make it sounds like it's for HIS convenience, He obviously does have time for Bridal Party events but wants his significant other included, which is not an unreasonable request. If you try to kick him out of the bridal party you will be way crossing the line.
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I am definately not thinking of kicking anybody out vyeta7. I don't think it would be my place at all to do so either... I am only wondering and no I have never spoken with my FBIL on the subject at all... I only wondered if he would rather go with her as a date? I am not trying to be rude I am only wondering... We asked him in 2005 after all... Not recently... Also no nobody else invited their signifiant others... Like my MOH is engaged and he is not coming (to the fitting I mean)... I doubt he'd want to come to go dress shopping and he lives in LA too... I never inteded that I would exclude anybody from any parties like bachlorette, or RD, or any other things like that...
i think when y'all are all 60 years old and gray, none of this is going to matter.
(that's commented with a smile 
)
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My FI's Best Man is his brother. When he asked him to be the Best Man it was circa 2005. Fast forward to 2008 and his brother has a new g-friend of 4 months who my FI and I have only met 4 times. Our Bridal Party was already planned out along time ago before we met her. A long time ago we also planned that our Bridal Party would meet at the family home for an informal brunch and then have the gals of our party go one way to look for dresses, and the boys go the other way to get fitted for tuxedos. His brother (Best Man) insisted that she come and argued a lot. We explained that it is not a big deal, would most likely only take a couple of hours, that it's only for the people in our wedding to be fitted, and we only want the Bridal Party to attend. My FI told him that he can't insist to change our plans, and that there are several functions leading up to the wedding that will only include the Bridal Party so we can't have this problem going forward. Even after it was very clear that we only wanted the Bridal Party his brother still insisted and said that she could just come to the brunch part and then leave when the Wedding Party leaves for the wedding clothes. At this point I think I'd like to tell him directly that I only want the Bridal Party so he hears it from me the Bride and we can reach an understanding. Please let me know if you can offer any advice!
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