- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
Hello everyone! This is my first post on weddingbee, after talking to my friends and family, I thought it would be helpful to get the advice from others that may be or may have been in a similar situation!
First of all, I am 23 years old. I am currently in a one-year graduate program in PA, set to graduate in August 2012. My SO will be 25 early 2012 and began a Ph.D. program in northern New England, and won’t graduate until 2015 or 2016. We began dating seriously in 2007 during my freshman year of college and spent many total years apart, due to study abroad, or because our families live far apart, so we wouldn’t get to see each other on breaks. So we have been in a serious monogamous relationship for a little more than 4 years.
We had a seroius talk in the begining of 2011 about “the future.” I tried to compromise, because like other bees have mentioned on other posts, I didn’t want to make an ultimatum and force someone to marry me that didn’t want to. He wanted to live together for a bit before getting engaged, while I didn’t feel comfortable trying to find a job (that most likely wouldn’t even be in my field) and moving almost 500 miles away without that commitment. I promised I would give him the next year to “figure things out” and we wouldn’t discuss it again until 2012. However, after talking to my parents, I realize that it isn’t fair for him to expect me to sacrifice so much, all because he can’t make a decision. While I realize it is a very serious decision to make (I don’t want to divorce because we didn’t work things out beforehand), I also need to start my life and be on the same page. I want to spend it with him, but he doesn’t feel like he’s “ready” to get engaged. I told him I didn’t want to get married right away, that a long engagement (1-2 years) was fine by me, it was more the level of commitment and acceptance by others as a serious couple with strong future intentions. If there was a particular reason why he was dragging his feet (money, a job, something like that) I might understand, but since he is still in school, still paying off loans, and the majority of a wedding would be paid for by my family, other than a ring (I don’t even have expensive taste) it’s a matter of maning up (I hate that term) and making a decision. He’s almost 25 but needs to grow up more, but I don’t know how long it’s acceptable to wait. I don’t want to regret not giving him a chance, but I feel like I have been. No, I don’t have a job yet, and he’s still in school (but funded), I don’t see why that would get in the way of an engagement. Isn’t an engagement the time you sort all that out?
Any advice would be helpful! I don’t want to say, “ask before I graduate or I won’t move,” but I don’t know how else to proceed. If I find a job around my family’s home (about 500 miles away from him) and he isn’t able to make a decision, I don’t see how we can stay in a relationship. If I wasn’t clear about my situation, please let me know, I really appreciate everyone’s support. I know my situation is not the only one like this in the world, I just don’t want to mess this up! I feel like we have been together a reasonable amount of time to know if this is what he wants or what he doesn’t. He does want a hypothetical marriage and hypothetical family in the future sense, but can’t start taking steps to get there. We are NOT in college anymore. We have to start making “grown up” decisions, and I’m set to make some hard ones. Thanks a lot 🙂