Post # 1
Hi bees, I’m a regular member going anonymous here… I just don’t have anyone I can talk to about this.
So last night, Darling Husband and I got into a little argument about him not paying his student loan on time (we’ve had the money). I stopped talking to him for a few minutes (it wasn’t mature of me, I know, but I just didn’t have anything to say), and he got really angry with me. I got off up our bed to put away some cheese, and he held me down to the bed and wouldn’t let me get up. He kept saying, “You’re making me angrier. Do you really want to make me angrier?”
So I said, “If you go any further, our marriage is over.” He got off the bed and went outside our apartment. When he came back, he told me it was my entire fault because I stopped talking. And that made him angry. Besides, he said, he was raised with that you never walk away from an argument.
The whole kicker is that it’s happened before. In February, we got home from church, and we were having an argument, and I wanted to leave the apartment to cool down. I told him that, but he stood in front of the door and wouldn’t let me leave. So I locked myself in the bathroom, and he forced his way in, and dragged me into the bedroom. After that time, I told him that forcing me to do that was NOT okay. He promised he wouldn’t do it again.
I asked him last night, “How would you feel if I did this to you?” He said he would respect me. But I don’t respect him. I love him, but I don’t like him right now. I don’t think it is okay to force someone to not leave just because “you’re not supposed to walk away from an argument.”
So I don’t know what to do. Do I just go on like nothing happened?
Post # 3
That’s abuse. It’s not okay.
I would suggest counseling/anger management classes. he has no right to put his hands on you in a violent manner, or drag you from place to place.
Post # 4
This is not okay. He has anger problems that escalate to abuse. I highly recommend getting out of the apartment until you both can get into counseling and his problems are under control. I truly fear for you that this will continue to escalate. Good luck, and stay strong. His actions are NOT okay.
Post # 5
I agree this is a bad sign. I think couseling/anger mangement is needed. I can see how his really bad behavior can esculate into a horrible situation. People fight differently for me when I get upset I become cold and quiet, and I always need down time before talking. I also understand that my Fi likes to fight things out and resolve them right away. Both of us have had to change and give and take a little in how we have arguements, it’s normal to do this a a couple, but putting your hands on someone is never ever ok.
Post # 6
he needs to see someone ASAP and get his anger under control. Abuse always starts here. I’ve only had one ex lay hands on me and you better believe I’d never let it happen again (he didn’t hit me but he did grab me and push me onto our stairs (we were downstairs and I just ended up sitting on the steps). Its scary when you feel like you aren’t in control of your own body.
Get him help so it doesn’t go any further. I agree with tiffybear, you should consider leaving until he agrees & seeks help to manage his anger.
Post # 7
I wouldn’t say it’s abuse right now. But it’s definitely not OK.
You obviously have different fighting styles. Get some couples/marital counselling on how to fight fair with each other with a goal of resolution, not “winning at all costs”. He needs to respect that you need space to cool off/think, and you need to realized that giving the silent treatment/emotionally withdrawing is just as borderline abusive as him physically restraining you.
Post # 8
Totally agree with the PP. It’s abusive. I had a Boyfriend or Best Friend who did similar things and while he never truly “hurt” me, it was always destructive. He’s got some seriously anger problems, it sounds like.
I’m one of the people who needs to calm down and sometimes get my head clear during an arguement which usually means leaving the room. This is a totally normal and healthy behavior. If you leaving to cool down leads your Darling Husband to be even more angry and abusive, I think you ought to seek some help. You can’t put yourself in danger. It’s not healthy. I hope you get things straightened out!
Post # 9
Your husband should never physically drag you anywhere nor hold you down. I agree that counseling is necessary here. Not him promising not to do it again. A third party needs to talk to him and hold him accountable.
If this keeps up or escalates, you’re going to have a make a decision on your marriage.
Post # 10
This is very toxic! I hate to say this but if you allow this to continue he will hit you one day. Although this isn’t “hitting” he physically handled you in a violent way… that is abuse.
You already stated the first situation and now this one has gone further…and the next time may be worse. Do you want to wait until next time to know? I would suggest counseling on him for his issues as well as both of you to get through it.
This is not a healthy relationship at all and I know this because my daughter’s sperm donor started the same way. Which escalated into several times of being hit, pushed, knife held in my face, even punched me in the back of my head/neck when I was pregnant.
Please get out while you can or seek help ASAP
Post # 11
Arguments happen…but they need to happen in a constructive way. It seems like you and Darling Husband handle the stress of fighting differently. If Darling Husband doesn’t want you to walk away from the situation, but you need a moment to collect your thoughts, then you two need to come to a compromise and understanding so that he is not feeling ignored, and you are not being physically abused. That is simply not okay.
Personally, it took SO and I a lot of time to come to terms with how the other handles conflict, but we are at a point where if one of us needs to step away from the situation, we say something like, “I love you and I’m not ignoring you, but I need to come back to this in a few minutes.” Yes, it sounds a little cheesy, but it also keeps both parties level-headed.
DO NOT pretend nothing happened…this is an alarming, uncalled for reaction by your Darling Husband and the two of you need to really work towards constructive fighting.
Post # 12
I’m with the other posters in that this is 100% abuse. Get yourselves into counseling ASAP. If he won’t go, go alone! It would never be ok if my Darling Husband did any of this to me.
Post # 13
Think of it this way – if he walked up to a stranger and did any of those things he’d be arrested.
It’s not okay for him to do it to you because you’re his wife.
Post # 14
Thanks bees. I am definitely going to go to couples counseling. And if he won’t come, I will go alone.
I know in my head that this is either abuse or borderline abuse. He’s never hit me, but he has purposefully hurt me if he got angry at me… pinching me, usually.
But in my heart, I feel like maybe he will stop. Maybe if we got counseling, things will become okay. But I don’t know… What if he is fine for a while, and then something stressful happens, and he snaps? What if by then we have kids?
Thank you again for the advice. I know it’s what I need to hear.
Post # 15
@needadvice80: Those are very valid fears. Even with serious counseling, his problems won’t be fixed soon. This will take time to undo, and that’s if he’s completely willing. Get yourself to somewhere safe so you can sort out your emotions and thoughts, and take lots of time.
Post # 16
this is really scary, even worse that he isn’t recognizing the problem and trying to blame you. Imagine a friend told you their SO pinned them to the bed or dragged them out of the bathroom. Deal with this now before it escalates further. Agree that you should outside help ASAP.