He wants me to say something that I can't

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

Sounds like he just wants to know you love him unconditionally…perhaps try assuring him that you do but stress how important marriage is to you and how for you, that’s the ultimate sign of unconditional love. It does seem weird that he would want you to say you’ll be with him forever regardless of marriage but he admits that he wants to get married. Do you think if you say it, he’ll propose? I’d be a bit leery to be honest, it seems a bit game-y. If you want to marry me, why do you want me to say something that implies that you don’t?

 

Post # 4
Member
3476 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Be honest and only say what you feel.  You love him very much, however, you do want marriage and therefore you can’t promise you’d stay with him forever if you never got married.  It would probably help if you added why marriage is important to you.

Post # 5
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee

Well then don’t say it. I think my guy had the same thinking but he has come around. He really wants marriage. Now I’m just waiting for the ring and proposal. I just told him I loved him and I wanted to marry him but if he didn’t feel the same way I would have to move on.

Post # 6
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@NK2012:  You might be giving him signals that you are more interested in the act of getting married than him being the man you want to be with for the rest of your life. 

I would suggest dropping the subject of marriage for a bit.  

Post # 7
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you need to be clear that you will not be with him forever if he doens’t want to get married.  You need to have that conversation in a very non-confrontational setting, where you can make it clear that you love him and are willing to wait for him to be ready to enter a marriage, but you will only wait for so long, because marriage is a dealbreaker for you.  Stress that what you want is a future with him, but you won’t work on a long-term future with anyone if marriage isn’t in the cards. 

Post # 8
Member
432 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

He may be feeling self conscience in a way. Don’t talk about weddings or children yet. Worry about you and him now. Don’t rush into marriage talk – it will get you nowhere.

My FI & I started dating when I was 23 and he was 31. My FI & I were together about 1.5 years before we moved into together. About a year later we had our first child and that was when we started talking about marriage and the future. We have been together 5 years now and just got engaged in March. 

Getting married is about being in love not about the wedding. Maybe he is worried that you only care about the wedding and not the marriage. 

Post # 9
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

He wants to know what is more important to you, him or the ring.  It’s that simple.  Doesn’t mean he’s not interested in marriage, but he wants to know what you care about more.  Just tell him the truth.  It might not be the truth he wants to hear, but it’s important enough to him for him to ask.

Post # 10
Member
279 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think you need to have a good sit down talk with him. You need to spell out your values and expectations.

I’m not saying do what I ended up doing, but I eventually gave DH an ultimatum. “If you want unconditional love without a ring and legal papers backing it up, get a dog.”

Post # 12
Member
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@CreatureFromTheBlackLagoon:  +1

@NK2012:  You say it’s not marriage you’re looking for, but marriage *to him* I agree with others who say it sounds like he’s trying to weed that out for himself: whether it’s really him you want to marry or if you bring it up so much that he thinks it’s just a goal you’re trying to attain.

I know for a fact bringing it up alot can give guys that impression: we a good male friend who broke up with his girlfriend of 5 years because she wouldn’t drop the marriage thing. It made him feel like getting that ring and having a wedding was all she cared about.

I agree with others who say to just let it ride. Tell him once why you want to be married, when you want to be married by, and when you want to have kids. Then drop it.

Post # 13
Member
768 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

DH and I were together almot 7 1/2 years when he proposed. By year 5 I was beyond ready and hurt when he still would only generalize about getting married, and sometimes even say he never wanted to get married. I screamed, I cried, I was soo hurt and I told him. But I knew that I loved him and the fact that he stood by me when I was so angry and hurt with him, told me that no matter what, he was the man for me. Even without a ring.

 

Or so I thought. I kept quiet for 2 more years and just a few weeks before our 7 year anniversary, I broke down again and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I had tried to see his point of view, to tell myelf the “piece of paper” wasn’t important, but I couldn’t do it anymore. I wanted to be married, I wanted to be married to HIM, and if he wasn’t on the same page as me, I couldn’t be happy.

 

I know some people think it’s silly, but fundamentally, so many of us grow up thinking we will get married. And it’s hard to let that go. We’re told that if you love someone, you get married, and start a family. It gives love a conditional feel, and without a marriage, sometimes it’s just too hard to swallow that love is enough. I don’t feel bad about telling him how I felt, and he doesn’t resent me for it.

 

We had a very beautiful wedding on Saturday, and DH was nothing but smiles and happy tears all day. 🙂

Good luck, sweety!

Edit: To clarify, when I say I screamed and cried, please don’t take this as I begged for an engagement. This is not what I did. At the times when I broke down I would tell him how it made me feel that he didn’t want to get married, or how it felt that he didn’t want to marry ME. It was never about the ring, or the wedding, it was about the feeling of inadequacy that I got from being with a man that I loved, and knew loved me in return, for 5-7 years and him not wanting to marry me. Be sure when you talk to him to talk about how you feel, not the ring, or the wedding. Point blank, when I told DH that I felt like a failure as a woman and human being and how I felt I was being negatively viewed because I was “giving away the milk for free”, a light bulb went off in his head. He knew he loved me, he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but he didn’t realize the hurt I was feeling was because I was feeling rejected by him.

Post # 14
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@badabing88:  I agree with this. The marriage to him is the important part. I went through a period where I bugged SO about our future and whatnot, and he said he really felt pressured, because I had all these deadlines. The one day I told him that it was more important for me to marry him than to get married by a certain point in my life, so I would wait (althought not indefinitely, of course). He told me it really removed the pressure and made things easier between us.

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