Need advice!!!!

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

itgirl2010:  Don’t feel like an idiot. It takes two to tango. If it wasn’t meant to be with his fiance, can we fault him? It happens all the time. Maybe, just maybe, he was meant to be with you. Give him and his fiance space. If they end it for good, then at least he did the right thing rather than cheat on her with you or divorce later. Hang in there.

Post # 3
Member
13005 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

itgirl2010:  Well, I was the guy in your story a few years ago.  I was with my ex, we talked engagement but didnt actually get engaged.   I met a guy at work, just talked and hung out starting as friends and developed feelings for each other.  I broke up with ex, dated the work guy, got engaged and married 3 years later and have been married 3 years now.  So, I guess the way i handled it is not the way you wanted to hear but it was a happy ending for me!

Post # 4
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Do everyone a favor and walk away until he is COMPLETELY available to you. Otherwise this isn’tfair to you, especially to her, or even to him. Seriously, be the bigger person and give them space and allow them to owrk on their relationship without “outside factors” (you) affecting it. Put yourself in her shoes. 

You don’t know anything about their relationship and quite frankly its none of your business. He is not available and thats that. Leave it at that. 

Post # 5
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

 

So I hate even admiting I have been in your shoes. As hard as it is and as much as you like the friendship it isn’t healthy for either of you. And it isn’t fair to his SO. I would cut all communication after a final talk with him. You can explain why you are doing what you are doing because it seems everything is out in the open. From experience, you won’t forgive yourself for being the homewrecker so to speak. Giving him a chance to walk away from her and decide to close that chapter of his own, seperate of you, is IMHO the only way to begin a healthy relationship with him if the situation were to present itself later. How I cut ties and moved on from my situation was to invest that time and energy into a healthy friendship I had already. I hope this helps!

Post # 6
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’ve never been in a situation like this, but I think you deserve more than a guy who will string you along, lure you in emotionally, and yet keep his girlfriend/fiance throughout the whole time.

You deserve a guy who will make you his first choice and who will be with only you. Would you really want to get involved with a guy, knowing that he can turn around and develop another “close friendship” with another girl behind your back? That is practically emotional cheating.

Don’t be afraid of “losing the friendship,” there are plenty more guys out there who will treat you better. Please remember your self-worth and stay away from this guy, at least long enough until he’s able to get his head straight. You deserve only the best. All women do.

Post # 7
Member
3346 posts
Sugar bee

He sounds kind of shady, honestly. I would keep away from him for now, until he straightens out his relationship with his fiancée, whatever the outcome may be. I also wouldn’t persue a romantic relationship with him, even if he does completely break it off with her- he doesn’t seem trustworthy, judging how his currently relationship is going. You could maybe maitain a friendship with him but if you’re worried about developing feelings/getting hurt I would just cut things off now.

Post # 8
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

itgirl2010:  So he leaves his GF and starts to date you. Suddenly he is “working late” a lot or takes up running with a co-worker after work…would you trust him?

Post # 9
Member
1424 posts
Bumble bee

I think you are involved in an emotional affair.  You need to consider, as other posters have suggested if you are okay with getting involved with a man known to get involved in affairs whether they are physical or not. 

Post # 10
Member
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June, 2014

You know… I’m probably going to be an outlier here, but I don’t think he’s really all that shady. He never tried to cheat on his girlfriend, and it seems like the op made her need to just be friends pretty clear. I don’t see that big a problem. Yeah, they had feelings for one another, but it isn’t like they allowed those feelings to control them. Men and women can be just friends, even if they have had underlying feelings for one another. 

Example: my husband had very close female friends through high school. They had feelings for him (two that still keep in close contact). They never dated, but did ask him out several times. He had feelings for both of them at one point in time, but didn’t want to ruin the friendship between the girls. They contact each other regularly still and now those girls are two of my good friends as well. Cripes, remaining friends with someone you have/had feelings for isn’t emotionally cheating in any way. 

OP: if you’re worried these feelings may cause either of you to act inappropriately, then break off contact. But if you’re comfortable staying friends with him, then stay friends. If his relationship doesn’t work, then maybe you can transition from friends to something more personal.

Post # 12
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Well, to give a little bit of a different perspective, albeit not a popular one, I was “the guy” in your scenario.

I had been in a relationship with someone for about year, discussed moving in together but never had made any concrete plans to. At around the 10 month point, we weren’t truly happy (and no I’m not making excuses to give myself a hall pass for what happened) but we were in that “comfortable” space where sometimes couples end up. They rather just stay together instead of ruffling feathers or going through the breakup process. It’s a horrible place ot be, but unfortunately it happens.

So, at that time I befriended the roomate of a mutual friend of ours. We would socialize in public situations, never privately, but we exchanged numbers and started texting quite a bit. I knew he had feelings for me, and vice versa but we didn’t want to do anything until I decided what was best and the “right” thing to do. So, I told my BF at the time that I needed a break, and time away from the relationship. We didn’t speak for a few weeks, and during that time, I was spending a bit of it with the guy friend. I decided it was best for me to not leave the BF stringing along wondering what I would decide to do, so I ended the relationship.

I continued speding time with the guy friend, and eventually we got into a relationship. 2 and a half years later, we’re engaged to be married in February 2015. And my ex is happily engaged to a girl he met soon after we broke up.

The universe works in crazy ways, and unfortunately, sometimes people get hurt in the process. I don’t condone seeking out a married man, going after someone in a relationship, or having an emotional or physical affair while in a relationship. It’s not fair to any parties. But, I wouldn’t change my situation for the world, because all of those events had to happen to lead us to where we are now.

And I know another PP mentioned:

“So he leaves his GF and starts to date you. Suddenly he is “working late” a lot or takes up running with a co-worker after work…would you trust him?”

And, I’ll be honest, my now FI and I had very open conversations about that when we got into our relationship. I wanted to make sure he felt secure in our relationship, and that I wasn’t going to do what I did with my previous relationship to him. It’s not something I had done before nor was it in my character. He put his faith and trust in me, and there has never been a moment that he’s questioned my feelings for him or the security of our relationship. Nor has there been a moment where I have wanted to seek out another partner or waivered in my emotions for him. 

Post # 13
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

pinkshoes:  I was in a similar situation to yours, and we’re on our way to being married in 2015. While it’s not a popular situation to get involved in, sometimes it happens. And I don’t think it means the person who left the other relationship for the newer person is prone to doing that in all relationships.

Post # 14
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

itgirl2010:  could you ever 100% trust him if he was your BF/FI/DH?

Wouldn’t you be wondering who he is having his coffee breaks with?

I know that sometimes good people can get into bad situations, but this just screams irresponsible and immature. I am sure he is a great guy, but he put himself in this situation and now has just been dragging along two girls while he decides what he wants.

I think you should drop it and let him go. Even if it doesnt work out with this girl – won’t you feel like 2nd best? You cant wait around and hope that things fail miserably. If he felt that strong he would end it completely. Do yourself a favor and find someone else. 

Post # 15
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

itgirl2010:  Oh god this guy sounds like such a friggin’ project. I’m amazed you have any feelings at all for this guy, seeing what a mess his love life is. Don’t you want something easy and good? Do you recognize what a disaster you are inching towards?

And what about that other girl? Are you really prepared to look in the mirror, knowing that you had a small but significant role in breaking her heart? 

First off, I don’t like him. What is he doing stringing along a girl when he’s engaged? What is he doing stringing along his fiancee when he likes someone else? What in the world is he doing at all??

And what about YOU in all of this?? Honestly, is this what you want? Guys come and go. I dated a guy who strung me along for a little bit, and you know what happened why I finally got him? I DIDN’T WANT HIM ANYMORE. Why don’t you go live your life, and when you feel like the dust has settled in his sloppy, messy, no-good, two-timing, sophmoric relationship nonsense, then see how you feel. 

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