Need advice about FMIL (long)

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think my advice would be to be breezy with your responses to her, tell her you are committed to other plans on whatever day she suggests, and do not initiate suggesting other times you might be free alternatively. I think some time and space might be a good thing to let things decompress in your relationship, and being flighty with her sends a message that you and your FI are constructing healthy boundaries with her. People can only bother you if you allow it, so not allowing her into your safe space will facilitate that, at least for now.

The fact of the matter is, your mother’s cancer treatments are not only stressful for her, but to you as well, and I’m willing to bet you need your own time to come to terms with her health, whatever its state is and will be in the future. I’m not up to speed with your FMIL’s shenannigans, but it doesn’t sound pleasant, and if your FI has told her  he will not tolerate what she has to offer, it’s time to follow through with that in some way. Being direct didn’t seem to help him, so maybe it’s time to take a different approach until she brings it up and asks what gives. Know what I mean? I hope this helped in some way, and I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time irrespective of your FMIL.

Post # 4
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@MKWeddingBee:  “I’m sorry, FMIL, but I don’t feel like doing X.” No excuses, no lies. Just “No, I don’t want to spend time with you.”

If she asks why, there’s no reason to lie about that, either. Tell her that you keep hearing from other people that you apparently cause trouble for her and you don’t want to cause anyone any unnecessary discomfort. Don’t be rude, but don’t bother being super nice about it either.

Post # 5
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ok, I probably should have done this before responding initially, but I read your first post regarding your MIL. 

It sounds to me as if she’s having a hard time letting her son become a man. To a parent, letting a child move on to the next chapter of his life means closing a chapter in her own, and it’s not an easy thing to deal with at times. What does she have to look forward to? Definitely an empty house, retirement if she’s working, and the other things people in advancing age have to deal with. It can include thinking about her mortality, and that’s scary! 

Nevertheless, it’s not your fault, I bet she’d be as curt with any person your FI has chosen to marry at this age. I’m sticking by my previous advice, though.  Your FI has been direct with her, and he has valid points about you becoming part of the family, and ultimately she is going to have to accept that she is not losing a son, but is gaining a daughter-in-law. You’re on the same team, ultimately, but she’ll need to learn to accept it.

Post # 6
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

What are these “indiscretions” your FMIL is so upset about? What does she object to? I went back to your other post but couldn’t put my finger on what her issue is.

One thing is for sure: she can NOT be emailing your mother about this. I would have a freaking FIT if that happened! And FI would have to step up and put his foot down with his mom. I don’t usually get bossy, but your mother does not need that crap. It is beyond inconsiderate for his mother to be contacting her in that way. 🙁  (I am grumpy just hearing about it.)

I think my advice is the same I’d give nearly every other Bee in this situation. Make every reasonable effort to show that you want a healthy, positive relationship with your in-laws, but also make it clear that you simply aren’t going to subject yourself to nonsense. If they insist on being horrible, you will just remove yourself from that drama. I don’t know what else you can do. Be as specific and clear as possible, and then follow through.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I stopped reading after you mentioned contacting your mom while she’s going to her treatments. Sorry all bets would be off she’s get a tounge lashing from that would be legendary. Sorry I have nothing constructive to add. 

Post # 9
Member
3514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@MKWeddingBee:  OMG she’s is 100% out of line. I’m sorry you’re going through this!

Post # 10
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@MKWeddingBee:  Frankly, this all sounds ridiculous to me. 

Your MIL is telling your Mommy on you? And your mom, what? Doesn’t want to offend her? I’m very sorry for what your mother is dealing with health wise and I get she doesn’t want drama. However, I think she really needs to send your MIL a short, polite but firm note telling her that you and her son are adults and that if your MIL is having any issues with either or both of you, she needs to communicate directly to you. She needs to add that these things are none of her business and she will not involve herself and will not read or respond to any future emails regarding these type issues.

if your mother won’t send this, I feel you have to insist she allow you to confront your MIL. If you do, you need to make clear that attempting to involve your mother will only result in you cutting off all contact with her, period.

 

Post # 11
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@bklynbridetobe:  +1 to this.

To have her own familial drama with her son and you as the additive is one thing but to involve your sick mother? I’m hoping your F-MONSTER-IL doesnt know she is ill because that would be a new level of bullshit. *SIGH*

I’m really sorry you are going thru all of this but a few PP stated: keep her at more than arm’s length distance because this is only the start of the crap that’s ahead. Best wishes and keep your head up!

Post # 12
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@Zhabeego:  +1 to this too. I am 100% for confronting issues head on and if your mother doesnt have the desire or will, maybe you need to and SHUT.IT.DOWN!

Post # 13
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

It sounds to me like it’s time to stop asking for her respect, and demand it. She’s being awful and inappropriate. With how terrible her behavior is, it sounds like you’re way beyond the point where you need to be nice to her to win her over.

She needs to accept you as her son’s partner. I’m glad to read that he won’t go to things unless you’re included as well. That level of firmness is what it’ll take to get her to stop this, if anything will. Don’t try to avoid her invites with excuses; tell her that you are uncomfortable being with her because of her behavior. Be prepared with examples, and stand by what you say. If she threatens to call your mom, tell her that you think that’s inappropriate, but for the record, your mom supports you.

The fact that she’s contacting your mother about your behavior is pretty SOLID proof that she doesn’t really think of you as an adult. I mean, who does that?! What the hell does she think your mom is going to do about it? I understand that your mom is in a pretty hard place right now, but if she has it in her, I think that a short, pithy response from her about the inappropriate nature of the email would do a lot for your cause.

Just out of curiosity, if it absolutely came down to it, what would the consequences be to cutting her out entirely? Is your FI dependent on her financially, in any way? Do you think it would be hard to maintain any other important family relationships if you cut her off?

And from a snarkier point of view… is her mom still around? Consider contacting HER about her daughter’s bad behavior, lol.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors