- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
Hey bees, so I have a question about the FMIL situation that I’ve posted about previously, and I was wondering if you guys could give me some advice.
Things haven’t changed too much since I wrote that post, but since then, my FI and I attended Thanksgiving at his house (it was hellish) and haven’t seen his parents since. We spent Christmas with my family. When FI addressed with his mother the innappropriate attitudes we had to deal with over the Thanksgiving holiday (later that weekend), they got into another huge fight and she blames me for the issues.
As the fight continued, she refused to address the issue with her son and instead discussed it with everyone BUT him, which then resulted in her emailing MY mother to discuss all of our indiscretions. Keep in mind that my mother has been going through cancer treatments all year, had to have two different surgeries within a week of receiving this ridiculous email, and has been on at-home IV antibiotics for three weeks now. She was furious about the email (not towards me, towards FI’s mother) because it was two pages of completely petty crap.
A similar situation occured this past summer. FI and his mother had a fight, and she treatened to contact my mother about it. I kept my mother in the loop about everything so she wouldn’t be caught off guard. After this recent incident, my mother wants me to be very careful about my interactions with FMIL and avoid being around her as much as possible. My FI and I are both fine with this as he has also decided to maintain only minimal contact with her. He has told her multiple times to leave my family and me out of their issues, but she never actually responds to him.
Here’s the catch: my mother has asked that I pretend I don’t know about the email or its contents, and I want to respect her wishes to avoid her being dragged into any further drama in her current state. My FI only knows about the email through me, so he must also pretend to not know anything about it or at least about its contents.
If I wish to not see FMIL, what is the best way to respond to her about meeting for lunch or visiting them if that comes up in the near future? Do I just put on my best polite manners and say that I am busy? Do I just ignore any texts or emails? Do I need to initiate the converation? And what would I say if I did? She would never call to ask to see us (she never calls me and my FI is not taking her calls, so it’s only texts or emails), so it’s just a written response I would be composing. Despite having all these issues that I have apparently been the root of, she has not made any effort to actually discuss them with ME.
I know that many of you would suggest that I accept any invitations of hers in an effort to smooth things out, but everytime we do this, it backfires on us. Allows her to get rid of her guilt and leaves us feeling like crap and spending the next month getting over the horrible experience. I’ve wanted so badly to fix this relationship, but at this point I just need to take care of myself and get to a better mental state. It’s a very unhealthy relationship, and I’m not really sure where to go from here.
Does anyone have some ideas of how best to communicate with her in the future? Thanks everyone and happy new year!