- 6 years ago
- Wedding: May 2015
So I’ve been reading the boards for a while. . . but I only just signed up as a member. I have a question for all of you who care to comment. . . but to ask it I have to tell a bit of a story first.
So, I have a wonderful boyfriend whom I’ve been with for almost 3 years. We’re really well matched– we have many interests on common. I’m itching to get engaged, and we have casually discussed it several times– and he seems perfectly happy with the idea that we will SOMEDAY get married but there hasn’t been anything specific said, though I think he knows how much I am anticipating– and I think marriage makes him a little nervous still. So we may have a while of waiting to go.
The thing is, my parents have issues with him– he happens to have a target-shooting hobby (shooting at cardboard things, basically, no killing or harming of anything) that my parents have never been able to tolerate– one or two things about it they especially hate, and have asked him to change the way his sports club does things in that regard (I don’t feel it’s right to share the details). I do not mind his hobby at all! BUT my parents show no signs of being able to accept the hobby. They hate it, and that makes them not like him as much as I wish they would, although they are very specific about allowing me to make my own choices and say that they would never try to prevent me from marrying the man of my choice. They just avoid him– when I go to see them, I usually go alone– and my BF doesn’t want to have much to do with THEM, either, because when we were first together my parents put me through hell over it (although I can see why, I do not agree with their viewpoint on this one matter) and I was MISERABLE for months. We’ve tried a few times to resolve the problem– mostly it’s been me talking to them because I don’t think it would be productive for us all to talk about the issue together (tried that, ugh). We all got totally sick of it, and it’s faded into the background mostly now. The thing is, my parents told me at the beginning of the winter that they would like him to tell them directly, as a respectful gesture to ME, what he’s done with his hobby/the club he’s part of to change a few particular things they really can’t deal with. He has done what they want to some degree, btw. They want this so they can know that he respects me enough to be able to do something that will help my parents to be happier with my decision to be with him. Basically what they want is a short letter telling them a few things.
So, I asked him to write the letter/note. He grudgingly agreed (grudgingly because I wasn’t too thrilled at the idea either and conveyed that), and I know he’s worked on the note. I reminded him about a month ago and he got annoyed again and didn’t say if progress had been made. I don’t know if he’s worked on it anymore– it’s only a short letter telling them a couple things that will make them feel a little better about the issue, which is super important to me!!!!– and it’s starting to bother me that he hasn’t just gotten it done. I asked him to do it so my parents can be happier with my choices, as they specified. They may be extremely unreasonable in some ways, but they are my parents and they do have a right to know that I am respected in my relationship–that would make things better for them, and thus for us too. I feel like he needs to finish the note and give it to my parents before we can get engaged, or something– just so if/when we DO get engaged they can be a little happier, and the idea of them being really unhappy about something that would make me SO happy is not OK.
I have to ask him to write the letter/note again, but I don’t want to ask again after that because then it feels like maybe he isn’t being so respectful about this particular matter. I would appreciate if he could do this one small thing for my parents, even if it’s aggravating. Don’t get me wrong; he’s the most wonderful, caring, responsible guy I’ve ever met, and we are two perfectly-matched oddballs :), and we love each other like crazy, but, as I see it, this one thing (unpleasant, but hopefully not very hard) needs to be gotten out of the way for our relationship to progress! I just think that, were he to propose, like, now, although I’d certainly say yes I would have this concern niggling unpleasantly at me.
So, should I tell him that I feel he needs to write the note before I can be totally comfortable w/ moving forward? Do you think it’s fair for me to feel that this one gesture for my parents needs to be gotten out of the way before things can progess?
Sorry this is so long– it’s a complicated situation. . . urk. Phew!
TIA for your help!