Post # 1
Last night was the first night in a long time SO and I were going to spend the night together. We both were very excited and talked/text about it all day. Well, last night he decided to have a few friends over for drinks at his place and then we’d go to my place (he’s never stayed with me before because of my son).
SO started drinking rum and coke and was acting fine and then he started drinking straight rum. Fast forward a couple of hours when our friends leave and all of a sudden my very sweet, loving SO turned into a little monster. He wasn’t mean or anything, but he got in this heavy funk and decided he wanted to be alone. I asked him if I said or did anything and he said no but my feelings were already hurt. He was cold and short with me. Totally wasn’t the same man that two hours earlier couldn’t wait to sleep next to me. I started crying (I couldn’t help it) and told him I respected his wishes and I left. After I left, I went to my friend’s house (across the street) and he sent her SO a text saying “She finally left. Come over and smoke a cigar”. What??? I thought he wanted to be alone.
I’ve been around him several times while he’s drinking and he has gotten a little weird a few times but nothing like this to where his mood shifted completely in the other direction and ruined our plans. I’d like to know if this is normal behavior when alcohol is involved. I can’t think of anything I said or did to bring on this change of heart in him except I did make the comment to him that he was drinking too much at one point. Maybe that set him off. (FYI: he does not drink every night.)
Sorry this is semi-long, but I guess I really just needed to get this out because he upset me. Our night together is now gone and I’ll never get it back. I don’t know if I need to wait and see if he apologizes this morning (if he even remembers) or if I need to let it go or what. Not sure what to do here.
Post # 3
I don’t know what it means long run, but if he does not bring it up, you probably should. He should know (when sobber) if something bothered you.
Post # 4
You definitely need to sit down and talk with him about this, because this is a huge issue. Even if you don’t drink everyday, you can still have a drinking problem, and it sounds like he does. If he doesn’t remember what happened, you need to remind him, and figure out what you guys can do to prevent something like that from happening again.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, good luck!
Post # 5
Sounds to me like he’s not a good drunk. Some people get funny and loosen up, while others can turn mean or depressed. Why would you feel responsible for his poor behavior?
I wouldn’t do anything. Let him bring it up.
Post # 6
If you are serious about this guy, I wouldn’t let it go. It’s one thing to be drunk, but then he asked you to leave so he can smoke a cigar with his friend. WHAT!! Do you not see the problem here?
Post # 7
I disagree with smyley. It made you uncomfortable and hurt your feelings – if it were me, that’s the kind of thing I’d have to bring up with my SO and hash it out. Otherwise, it would just eat away at me. I’m not saying, “Confront him, have a fight!” I’m just saying that I would definitely want to talk about this with the SO and make sure he understood that it was hurtful and find out more about why he acted that way (frankly, he may not even know why – alcohol does funny things to people). I’d also want to find out what he plans to do in the future to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
I don’t know your situation and how your SO normally is, but I do know what it’s like to date someone who sometimes drinks too much, and who becomes a different person when they drink. It’s not good. If this is something that begins to happen more frequently, you might want to think about getting some help dealing with it, like a counselor or someone you can talk openly to about this, someone who could help you decide what to do that would be best for you both.
Good luck, and I’m really sorry to hear that this happened between you and your SO.
Post # 8
That is weird. Very weird but NOTHING that has to come in the way of your relationship if you take control of it now. I’ve only seen my husband drunk twice in the 5 years we have been together. He never drinks. Not too long ago I think I saw a glimps of why. We were at a friends wedding and I just kept ordering him drinks. I thought I was being funny and even though he said that he was done multipal times I still kept ordering them for him. He didn’t get mean…just…different. He was defiently more aggitated and annoyed easily. I realized he was not the same guy. I just let him sleep it off then the next morning he did remember but was too embarressed to say anything. I learned the reason why he doesn’t drink. He came from a entire family of horrible alcoholics. He just doesn’t take alcohol as well as some people.
I don’t think your guy has a drinking “problem”. If this is not a constant issue then there isn’t a problem. You obviously just noticed this. Alcohol does MANY things to everyone. Not everyone turns into a funny, horny, clutz. And if they don’t turn funny it doesn’t mean they have a problem. It just means that alcohol has a different effect on them. I get the idea that he doesn’t drink that often. And thats great! Keep it that way and you wont have a problem. You have every right to feel upset and of course talk to him about it. Just come up with a drinking limit for your relationship. Who and what he was last night is NOT him. So don’t take it too personally. Just nip this in the butt right now. Good luck girly!!!!
Post # 9
@Bubu82: He normally is a very sweet, caring and loving person. When he drinks beer, he’s fine. What worries me is we are going on a train ride to NOLA for NYE and he made a flask to take full of rum. I don’t know how to nicely (without appearing that I’m telling him what he can/can’t do) ask him to not take it. He says beer makes him sleepy, but at least he’s pleasant to be around. I’m actually dreading this trip now after last night.
I’m definitely going to talk to him about it. He’s off work this week so I’m going to let him sleep it off and hope he calls with an apology (although I’m not holding my breath on that one). He may not even remember.
@7mom: Yeah, I do see the problem. He’s never been this way before. It totally threw me off guard. I’m not sure whether to let him know I saw that text or not.
Post # 10
I’m sorry this happened. I think you need to talk to him when sober and try to find out the real issue here. Maybe for some reason he changed his mind and didn’t want to spend the night with you or maybe it really was the alcohol and/or your comment that made him change his mind.
Post # 11
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
My husband is similar, except much, much worse when he drinks hard alcohol…He’s done things like disappear for the entire night, changed flights while blacked out, gotten lost on the subway, etc and it’s HORRIBLE…
It was funny when we were young and stupid in college but now that we’re older, it’s not funny. You need to address this issue with him STAT and lay down the law as to what is acceptable…What you are describing is the beginning signs of alcoholism, not that he is addicted to alcohol but in that his relationships with people are affected when he drinks…
Talk to him about it, tell him the way he acted and how it made you feel and hopefully it won’t happen again!
Post # 12
@trailmix: I want to talk to him but I want to do it without him thinking I’m trying to tell him what he can/can’t do. I haven’t figured out how to do that just yet. I don’t mind him drinking beer but this hard stuff needs to be limited or stopped all together.
Post # 13
@mdh727: I don’t mean to sound harsh but you have every right to tell him he cannot get drunk around you. Thats not you telling him what he can or can’t do thats you saying “if your going to respect me then your going to respect not drinking like that around me”. Be strong! Drinking is a VERY serious issue if not handled timely and aggressively.
Post # 14
@mdh727: During the first year of our relationship, any fight we had happened when we had been drinking. We were going through a lot at the time, and trying to figure out what our relationship was about, so as soon as we added alcohol into the mix we would get upset. We do drink less now (we were never heavy drinkers, but now we are both in intense school programs and have little time for anything else…and would rather go to bed!), but generally our relationship has just become more solid over time.
I wonder if something was bothering him throughout the day, or has been on his mind, and drinking intensified it for him? Not that this should be an excuse, but I do know a lot of couples who have major blow-out fights when they drink because their guards are down. When they talk about things the next morning, when they are calm and sober, they can begin to resolve things. Probably not the healthiest way of dealing with it, I guess.
Anyway, my point is, I don’t think you need to make a sweeping judgement about what kind of person, or what kind of drinker he is. I think we all have those nights (at least I know I have), and while its not an excuse for cruel behavior, sometimes things happen. If he isn’t being mean, cruel, manipulative, violent, etc., then maybe you can just talk about whats bothering him/was bothering him and move on. If he ever becomes violent or aggressive because he’s been drinking then he should stop drinking. But I think maybe you can talk to him about the other night in a non-judgemental way, and then make plans for another special night with just the two of you (and tell him how important it is that you get to spend time alone with him during that night).
Post # 15
Definitely discuss with him, but only when he is sober AND if he has a bad hangover, you might want to consider waiting a day or two when he is feeling better so he can be more receptive/attentive to what you are discussing.
Post # 16
You need to have a serious conversation with you man ASAP. Don’t go at him in a confrontational way though. I always find it best to say things like, “I felt really hurt last night because of what happened.” Try to stay away from phases that point the finger like, “You did this,” or “You are that.” If you try to show him how his actions made YOU feel than maybe he will understand that certain aspects surrounding his drinking need to be put in check now that he has you in his life.
My Fiance can get pretty irrational and hot-headed when drinking hard liquor, so I understand how you might feel. As a PP said it was fun and entertaining when we were young and dumb, but there comes a time when a man (or anyone) needs to step up and say, “Ya I need to get my drinking in check or it has to stop.” Maybe he hasn’t had anyone intimately close to him explain the way he is when he is drunk. If you go about this the right way than he’ll respect you for trying to help him. If you confront him and make him feel bad about what he did than he might put some walls up and you’ll be back to square one.