(Closed) Need advice and help on how to tell mom her A-hole BF is NOT invited!!!!

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Unfortunately, I think you need to invite him.  Proper etiquette says you must invite a guest’s SO regardless of if you like them or not.  The only time it’s ok not to invite an SO is if the SO is abusive, sex offender, a criminal, etc., has tried to break you and your FI up, or tried to sleep with either of you.  And honestly, I think not inviting him will only make things worse…

On the flip side – it might be a good time to sit down with your mother and discuss how you don’t think her BF is good enough for her.  Who knows, maybe they will break up before your wedding and it won’t even be an issue.

Post # 4
Member
4150 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Although the situation is a crappy one, I think you have to invite him.  Be the bigger person rather than sinking to that level and not inviting him.

Post # 6
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee

This basically comes down to one thing: do you want your mother at your wedding or not?

Because, like him or not, if the guy is your mom’s boyfriend then you should be extending him an invite – by not doing so, you risk causing drama with your mother and put her in a position to choose between you and the BF. We’d all like to hope she chooses you, but people are fools for love and she might just end up choosing to not come to your wedding out of spite and retailiation. If you can live with that, then tell her he isn’t invited.

But what’s one night of having him around to have your mom at your wedding? Chances are, you and FI will be too busy experiencing the evening and celebrating with family and friends to notice one person’s presence above everything else.

Post # 7
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with the PPs, it sucks, but you need to invite him (unless you want to risk not having your mom there). 

You should probably sit down with your fiance and discuss this with him. Tell him it’s important for you to have your mom there, and that requires also extending an invite to her BF. Then, keep your fingers crossed that your wedding ends up being an “off again” time for them 😉

Post # 8
Member
913 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I agree with PPs that this is something you have to talk to your fiance about. And decide together what will happen if he shows up, and promise not to let it ruin your wedding. Because honestly you can tell your mom that he’s not welcome and she’ll pretend to go along with it, but bring him anyway.

Post # 9
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I hear what all the other Bees are saying and, generally, I agree (i.e. – guests with SO should be allowed to bring them).  That being said, WHY do we as brides (and grooms) put up with stuff like this.  From what the OP has shared (I know we are only getting one side of the story) the BF is a tool and shouldn’t have to be invited to their wedding.  I know it’s the mom and what not but shouldn’t the mom take her daughter’s feelings into consideration?  If the bride does not want someone who has been rude, inappropriate, etc. to HER in the past, why does SHE have to put up with it just because her mom and the BF are in a good place now?  Are the OP and her FI in a good place with the BF now?  Did the mom or BF contribute any money to the wedding?

I guess I’m just confused why it’s ok to make brides/grooms uncomfortable for the sake of “ettiquette” but it’s not ok to ask the mother to take her child’s feelings into consideration on the most important day of HER life.

Post # 10
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This. @jocember. If you put your foot down and explain to your mother that you two, as adults, don’t want him there, you need to be prepared for her to say she won’t attend. Crappy guy or not, they’ve been together for over 5 years and that’s a long time. For her it’s a meaningful relationship. And remember, you say it took awhile for her to warm up to your FI, maybe that’s how she’s seeing her situation (rightly or wrongly). If it were anyone else, I’d say tell them “no,” but since it’s your mother you may want to just let her bring him. After all, there’ll be a ton of people on the day of your wedding, and you can probably avoid interacting with the jerk if you want to.

Post # 11
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@MeganTacky2247:Well, I guess you have to ask yourself:Are you ok with risking your mom not showing up because he was not invited? I would hate to think she wouldn’t do that because as you said, “you are her only child”, but she seems to be rather attached to her jerky BF.

That is a really sucky situation to be put in and I hope it works out for the best. 

Post # 12
Member
3261 posts
Sugar bee

I would invite him, he’s your moms boyfriend no matter how much you hate him.

Post # 14
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I agree that you have to invite him.

I’d suggest a couple of dinners with the 4 of you before that to ensure everyone can act mature and not yell, fight, etc. There is no reason why your FI and your moms BF can’t act civil at your wedding.

Post # 15
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MeganTacky2247:  You really don’t think your FI will be understanding about the fact that you, his future wife, want your mom there and that requires the presence of her BF? If my fiance couldn’t understand that and suck it up, I’d be furious.

Post # 16
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@MeganTacky2247:  I say the groom’s opinion is more important than your mom’s or her BF’s unless you are marrying them.

Sorry, but I am in a similar situation myself and I have had to accept that at the end of the day…if my FI feels so strongly about someone’s presence at our wedding that he would actually leave then I HAVE to take that into consideration above all else or I will be marrying myself.  Unless your FI is holding a grudge for a really stupid reason I would talk to your MOM and not him about being without for BF for just a few hours this one time.  JMHO.

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