NEED ADVICE!! Anything will help!!

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

Hon, living on my own before marriage helped to sculpt me into the person I am today. Even with 10 cents to my name and going through dating hell, at times, I wouldn’t trade those days of freedom and discovering myself. Then, when I met the love of my life and he asked me to move in with him, he knew I would only under the condition that we would be engaged within a year…and we were. Be confident and know your self-worth. That’s my advice. If your man loves you, he will propose and/or “wait” for YOU. Also, your timeline of October sounds reasonable to me. However, I was never afraid to tell my man how it is. That’s where confidence and self-worth comes in. Talk to him about marriage. If he gets scared away, let him run. He isn’t ror you.

 

Post # 3
Member
6000 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

It does seem a little like an ultimatum when you say you won’t back in with him until you have a ring on your finger, but if he’s cool with it then I guess I don’t see the problem. It does seem a little odd since you’ve already been living with him, but again, if you feel you need to do it then do it. If you feel like you need to live on your own to become more independent and do things the “right way” (what you feel is the right way) then definitely move out. Just make sure that he is 100% fine with it and not just saying he is while still resenting you or something. I will say though, like I said in your last thread, you do need to relax about the whole engagement thing a bit. Perhaps he is taking his time because y’all moved so quickly in the beginning and he doesn’t want to rush into marriage like y’all rushed into the relationship.

Post # 4
Member
95 posts
Worker bee

If I remember correctly wasn’t your last post about him wanting to wait… something like “chill out”? 

IDK how old you both are but maybe getting your own space is the right thing to do.  Not to ensure a ring, but to ensure that you can stand on your own two feet without the support of someone else, financially, emotionally, spiritually etc. 

There is REALLY something to be said for being an independant person. Try it- you might find it suits you well.

Post # 5
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You NEED to talk to him again. Tell him what you are thinking. Don’t make it about him but about you. Tell him that you think 2 years is more than enough time to know whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with a person. Tell him you love him and you know that you want to be married and have kids (if you do) and ideally would love for it to be him but if he doesn’t feel the same that is ok, too. You are two adults and will understand and let him go. At the end of October you will be looking for somewhere else to live and move forward with your life. 

This is not an ultimatum for him. It’s just you tell him your wants and needs and what YOU are going to do to move forward with your life.  If he doesn’t want to lose you, he has over 3 months to do something about it. If he’s still passive about it, let him see you looking for places to move, packing things up, etc. Some men, need to see change happening and the fear of losing what they have before they do something. 

Post # 6
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

Just want to add that we also met online and were engaged on our one year dating anniversary. Moved in together after 3 months. He brought up marriage first and that’s when I told him I would move in if we were engaged within the year. When you know, you know. Hugs, you’ll figure it out. Just go with your instinct.

Post # 7
Member
8 posts
Newbee

Is this really about living on your own and having that experience or about him proposing? If he proposed today, you’d still never have the opportunity to live on your own. Would you always regret never having done that? If the answer is yes, you should move out and reconsider if your really want to marry this person or if you are in fact rushing things. 

 

Post # 8
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

GreenBayBee:  I did the same thing. We met online, dated 2 years. My lease was up, he asked us (myself and my kids) to move it and I told him too, if it is meant to be I will not wait longer than 1 year to be engaged. At that point it will be 3 years. If he doesn’t feel the same, then I will be moving out. We bought a ring 1 month before the 1 year mark and the 1 yr mark came and went. I had to ask, if it was going to happen or was he getting cold feet. If he’s having second thoughts, it was ok and I would be devasted but I would survive and move out and move on because I’m not going to wait for someone that was unsure about how he feels about me after 3 years. He proposed that very next day. 

Post # 9
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

sharksgrl99:  I 100% believe that if a man wants to propose, he will. Forget the ring budget or wedding budget, that can all be worked out. If he loves you, he will propose and you both figure out the future together

I’m sorry OP if my comments aren’t helping, but you have to look out for number one, you. I just skimmed your previous post and if he TRULY has a date/time/plan in place, his first priority is to make you feel safe and secure, so you aren’t the one who is walking in October. Otherwise, propose already, dude, this lady left everything behind to be with you! Stay strong, OP. I’m much older than you and still wasn’t afraid to walk if I had to.

Post # 11
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee

I have told my nieces multiple times not to get married before living on their own.

There is a lot to learn about many things and it’s definitely an experience that will make you grow. But girl, there is something really awesome about coming home to a space that is 100% yours. Where you don’t have to be considerate to anyone else or worry about anyone else’s desires. Think of a space you can decorate however you want. A space that you can leave or come to whenever you feel like every day without having to answer questions. Hell, you might not come home, stay with friends and not worry because no one depends on you. There is something really cool about coming home to absolute silence when you need it. Or make some noise if you feel like it! And watching your favorite girly show online like a boss 24/7 in the house because guess what… You are the boss! 😉

Just my two cents 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  Sporty-Bee.
Post # 12
Member
8018 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

DEFINITELY, lovingly, move out. Keep dating! Tell him you love him but you’re not okay being someone’s live in girlfriend forever. If he’s not ready to be engaged that’s totally okay- you will continue to date but you need to take care of yourself and have some independance. 

Sweetly- with zero drama- casually- tell him this decision. And follow through (unless your ring makes it too hard to move ) 😉 

Post # 13
Member
1634 posts
Bumble bee

I say do it! Not because he didnt put a ring on it, but because this may be your last opportunity and you want to go into a marriage with no regrets! I LOVED living on my own, it was the best!

I actaully have a girlfriend who’s boyfriend moved in with her before they were ready to live together (for financial reasons), and he has since moved out. They have no doubts that he’ll be moving back one day and they’ll get married, but it just wasnt right for them to take that step, at that time. They chose the path of most resistance because thats what made sense for their relationship. I definitely would talk to your SO about it though, make sure he knows all the factors. Tell him that you love him so much, and cant wait to live with him again once you’re engaged, but right now you have the chance to be a “single”, care-free lady and you mgith not have that opportunity again. You’ll regret it if you dont, but DONT do it if its just to”stick it to him” for not proposing. If thats the only reason, you need to talk to him, but dont punish him for not reading your mind.

 

Post # 14
Member
4900 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

When dh & I first lived together, he wanted to get married, bit I realized I wasn’t ready.  So, I bought myself a place & went back to living alone.  I lived alone for years & loved it.

We never broke up, just took a step back.  It all worked out fine.  We’re very happily married today.  

Post # 15
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

KaitlynBrooke:  I will say, just make it about you. Don’t pressure him. You have to act like you can live with or without him, (and mostly because you CAN).

The more you mention it and bring it up, the more he will get upset or take a step back. Most of the wedding planning stuff is done by the women. Men pride themselves on doing the Engagement and you have to allow him to do that. I know although I told him I would move on, he also told me that he appreciates how I feel but not everything has to go my my timelines. Later on he said that he tried many times but jitters, circumstaces at the time, etc, got in the way. 

So like I said above, maybe have one more conversation with him. Be indifferent about the whole thing, just be matter of factly that this is what you want and there is no pressure for him but if by end of October, you might move out on your own. You do not want to go on living together without being engaged and that will allow him time to be ready on his terms. You can’t cry or get upset if that is ok with him. You can start distancing yourself now, take some classes, go out with friends more often alone, etc. Space apart will only make things clearer to both of you, either way. 

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