Post # 1
Hello My Fellow Bees,
I am in such a tough spot right now… I’m gonna try to make this quick and to the point.
I met my SO online and 6 weeks after speaking with him over the phone I moved from Ohio to Atlanta to be with him. I moved in with a friend who after a few months ended up moving to Florida for her job, needless to say I didnt have my current job so I wasnt making enough money to move out on my own so my SO and I moved in together. I had always told myself I would never move in with a SO until I had a ring on my finger, but because of the circumstances and not knowing another soul in Atlanta we did it. We’ve been living together almost 2 years now (lease is up in the beginning of October) and still no ring. I know 2 years isnt THAT long, but again, given the circumstances I kinda thought it would have happened by now. Anyway, our lease is almost up and I have been thinking for a few months now that if I still wasnt engaged by October then I would move out on my own and wouldnt move back in with him until I had that ring on my finger. (He did not know this, I have never tried to pressure him or give him an ultimatum… I have always wanted him to do it on his own!) We have had a few conversations about it and he seems, well, relatively calm about it… so here is my question, do I stick to my guns and move out…or am I backtracking? I’ve never lived on my own before and I feel like it would be rather (whats a good word?) grown up and independent of myself to take that step. If he were to move in with his brother (which would be his plan) he would be saving a lot of money which he said would be used to buy a house and a ring…and I DO believe him, but again I’m not sure if thats strange to take that step back, or if its something I’ve always wanted to try and this is my “last oportunity” so I can look at my daughter (future daughter, I dont have children) and say, yes, I did it, I lived on my own before your daddy and I were married. I know I’ll miss him, but we wont be “broken up” we will still be very much together and SOs, just not under the same roof. Am I crazy?<br /><br />I’m so confused!! Did any of you ladies do the same thing? How is living on your own?
Post # 2
Hon, living on my own before marriage helped to sculpt me into the person I am today. Even with 10 cents to my name and going through dating hell, at times, I wouldn’t trade those days of freedom and discovering myself. Then, when I met the love of my life and he asked me to move in with him, he knew I would only under the condition that we would be engaged within a year…and we were. Be confident and know your self-worth. That’s my advice. If your man loves you, he will propose and/or “wait” for YOU. Also, your timeline of October sounds reasonable to me. However, I was never afraid to tell my man how it is. That’s where confidence and self-worth comes in. Talk to him about marriage. If he gets scared away, let him run. He isn’t ror you.
Post # 3
It does seem a little like an ultimatum when you say you won’t back in with him until you have a ring on your finger, but if he’s cool with it then I guess I don’t see the problem. It does seem a little odd since you’ve already been living with him, but again, if you feel you need to do it then do it. If you feel like you need to live on your own to become more independent and do things the “right way” (what you feel is the right way) then definitely move out. Just make sure that he is 100% fine with it and not just saying he is while still resenting you or something. I will say though, like I said in your last thread, you do need to relax about the whole engagement thing a bit. Perhaps he is taking his time because y’all moved so quickly in the beginning and he doesn’t want to rush into marriage like y’all rushed into the relationship.
Post # 4
If I remember correctly wasn’t your last post about him wanting to wait… something like “chill out”?
IDK how old you both are but maybe getting your own space is the right thing to do. Not to ensure a ring, but to ensure that you can stand on your own two feet without the support of someone else, financially, emotionally, spiritually etc.
There is REALLY something to be said for being an independant person. Try it- you might find it suits you well.
Post # 5
You NEED to talk to him again. Tell him what you are thinking. Don’t make it about him but about you. Tell him that you think 2 years is more than enough time to know whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with a person. Tell him you love him and you know that you want to be married and have kids (if you do) and ideally would love for it to be him but if he doesn’t feel the same that is ok, too. You are two adults and will understand and let him go. At the end of October you will be looking for somewhere else to live and move forward with your life.
This is not an ultimatum for him. It’s just you tell him your wants and needs and what YOU are going to do to move forward with your life. If he doesn’t want to lose you, he has over 3 months to do something about it. If he’s still passive about it, let him see you looking for places to move, packing things up, etc. Some men, need to see change happening and the fear of losing what they have before they do something.
Post # 6
Just want to add that we also met online and were engaged on our one year dating anniversary. Moved in together after 3 months. He brought up marriage first and that’s when I told him I would move in if we were engaged within the year. When you know, you know. Hugs, you’ll figure it out. Just go with your instinct.
Post # 7
Is this really about living on your own and having that experience or about him proposing? If he proposed today, you’d still never have the opportunity to live on your own. Would you always regret never having done that? If the answer is yes, you should move out and reconsider if your really want to marry this person or if you are in fact rushing things.
Post # 8
GreenBayBee: I did the same thing. We met online, dated 2 years. My lease was up, he asked us (myself and my kids) to move it and I told him too, if it is meant to be I will not wait longer than 1 year to be engaged. At that point it will be 3 years. If he doesn’t feel the same, then I will be moving out. We bought a ring 1 month before the 1 year mark and the 1 yr mark came and went. I had to ask, if it was going to happen or was he getting cold feet. If he’s having second thoughts, it was ok and I would be devasted but I would survive and move out and move on because I’m not going to wait for someone that was unsure about how he feels about me after 3 years. He proposed that very next day.
Post # 9
sharksgrl99: I 100% believe that if a man wants to propose, he will. Forget the ring budget or wedding budget, that can all be worked out. If he loves you, he will propose and you both figure out the future together.
I’m sorry OP if my comments aren’t helping, but you have to look out for number one, you. I just skimmed your previous post and if he TRULY has a date/time/plan in place, his first priority is to make you feel safe and secure, so you aren’t the one who is walking in October. Otherwise, propose already, dude, this lady left everything behind to be with you! Stay strong, OP. I’m much older than you and still wasn’t afraid to walk if I had to.
Post # 10
GreenBayBee: I love your comments, you have really helped me realize that I’m not crazy. And no your posts are helping a lot! I’ve told him many times I dont care about a ring… I would take a simple band, but a lease is a lease, you know when your lease is up, so he knows we are going to eventually discuss our next move. In his mind he has a timeline, but why is he the only one who gets to decide when that is? If its not now and its later down the road then I dont want to play “house” for another 2 years. If we are “already married” then what is pushing him to want to get engaged? I see your comments and it makes me feel good knowing that the decisions I am trying to make are for me to protect me. I appreciate it all!! <3
IzzyBear: thank you for your comment, I 100% agree with you! It is a little odd isnt it :/ we will see what happens 🙂 but thank you for your point of view…something I handnt thought about before
sharksgrl99: I love your comment(s)!! THANK YOU 🙂 Im so happy everything worked out for you 🙂 this is why I love this website, ladies helping ladies, I really appreciate it!!
ElleB: yet another great point of view…yes I think I would always somewhat “regret” not moving out on my own if the chance never presented itself, you’re so right!
Post # 11
I have told my nieces multiple times not to get married before living on their own.
There is a lot to learn about many things and it’s definitely an experience that will make you grow. But girl, there is something really awesome about coming home to a space that is 100% yours. Where you don’t have to be considerate to anyone else or worry about anyone else’s desires. Think of a space you can decorate however you want. A space that you can leave or come to whenever you feel like every day without having to answer questions. Hell, you might not come home, stay with friends and not worry because no one depends on you. There is something really cool about coming home to absolute silence when you need it. Or make some noise if you feel like it! And watching your favorite girly show online like a boss 24/7 in the house because guess what… You are the boss! 😉
Just my two cents
Post # 12
DEFINITELY, lovingly, move out. Keep dating! Tell him you love him but you’re not okay being someone’s live in girlfriend forever. If he’s not ready to be engaged that’s totally okay- you will continue to date but you need to take care of yourself and have some independance.
Sweetly- with zero drama- casually- tell him this decision. And follow through (unless your ring makes it too hard to move ) 😉
Post # 13
I say do it! Not because he didnt put a ring on it, but because this may be your last opportunity and you want to go into a marriage with no regrets! I LOVED living on my own, it was the best!
I actaully have a girlfriend who’s boyfriend moved in with her before they were ready to live together (for financial reasons), and he has since moved out. They have no doubts that he’ll be moving back one day and they’ll get married, but it just wasnt right for them to take that step, at that time. They chose the path of most resistance because thats what made sense for their relationship. I definitely would talk to your SO about it though, make sure he knows all the factors. Tell him that you love him so much, and cant wait to live with him again once you’re engaged, but right now you have the chance to be a “single”, care-free lady and you mgith not have that opportunity again. You’ll regret it if you dont, but DONT do it if its just to”stick it to him” for not proposing. If thats the only reason, you need to talk to him, but dont punish him for not reading your mind.
Post # 14
When dh & I first lived together, he wanted to get married, bit I realized I wasn’t ready. So, I bought myself a place & went back to living alone. I lived alone for years & loved it.
We never broke up, just took a step back. It all worked out fine. We’re very happily married today.
Post # 15
KaitlynBrooke: I will say, just make it about you. Don’t pressure him. You have to act like you can live with or without him, (and mostly because you CAN).
The more you mention it and bring it up, the more he will get upset or take a step back. Most of the wedding planning stuff is done by the women. Men pride themselves on doing the Engagement and you have to allow him to do that. I know although I told him I would move on, he also told me that he appreciates how I feel but not everything has to go my my timelines. Later on he said that he tried many times but jitters, circumstaces at the time, etc, got in the way.
So like I said above, maybe have one more conversation with him. Be indifferent about the whole thing, just be matter of factly that this is what you want and there is no pressure for him but if by end of October, you might move out on your own. You do not want to go on living together without being engaged and that will allow him time to be ready on his terms. You can’t cry or get upset if that is ok with him. You can start distancing yourself now, take some classes, go out with friends more often alone, etc. Space apart will only make things clearer to both of you, either way.