Need advice asap! Fiancee got multiple lap dances at bachelor party =(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@DefyingGravity:  so he didnt touch the stripper?

Post # 5
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@DefyingGravity:  im finding it hard to understand why your upset. you said no kissing or touching if he didnt do what you forbid him to then i dont understand

Post # 6
Member
8019 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@DefyingGravity:  Not all lap dances include touching it depends on the venue. So technically he did nothing wrong by your rules.

Post # 7
Hostess
3381 posts
Sugar bee

I am so sorry you’re feeling like this.  The thing is your FI kept to the rules – no kissing, no touching.

I was at a ping-pong club in Bangkok a while ago (where the girls are stark naked and touching is allowed and more if you pay for it) and a bachelor party came in.  Watching these guys I genuinely believe your FI is telling the truth when he said his mates egged him on; even a girlfriend of mine had lap dances paid for her by her mates in NYC because “they thought it was funny”.

Believe me when I say you have nothing to worry about and whilst I don’t know you, you are a beautiful woman that your FI loves.  He stuck to the rules you set because he respects your boundaries.  You never said “no lap dances” – essentially the same as a normal dance just a bit closer to his eyeline.

Your FI said he wont do it again, all you can do is trust him.  But believe me when I say I doubt he will, he sounds like a straight up guy.

Post # 8
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@j_jaye:  thank you i thought i was the only one thinking this was a bit blown out of the water

Post # 10
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I think the images of these girls will die down and you’ll get over it. He really didn’t do anything wrong and while that many lap dances IS annoying, it’s a bachelor party. What did you think was going to happen at a strip club? While some women get annoyed that men are allowed this indiscretion of sorts, it’s part of our culture and that’s it. If this wasn’t something that you were okay with then you should have discussed this beforehand.

 

I totally agree with @ladyartichoke: that there is absolutely no way that he wasn’t egged on.

Post # 11
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Sounds harsh but your making nothing into something. Have you been to the strippers before? Most really arn’t as seedy as people think. I actually quite like going and find it amusing. The men are not allowed to touch the girls and the girls just shake their bits for a little bit and there done. Think of the lap dance as not as cheater but something boys do for a laugh, like them snorting pepper. (We all know boys do stupid things when they are drunk with there friends).

If your FI went by himself and got the 7 lapdance it would be different. But he didn’t he went to his bucks and basically had the lap dance not for his own “pleasure” but for the amusement of his friends and to basically shut them up.

So please try not to be to mad at him and I apologise if I have been abet blunt but I think strippers get a really bad name for no reason, I would be more worried if my FI had a drunk night out clubbing for his bucks then going to the strippers.

Post # 12
Hostess
7568 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@DefyingGravity:  This is rough, but it sounds like he didn’t mean to hurt you. It’s been two weeks and this is still bothering you. Do you want to get over it? If so, you need to work for your relationship whether that means journaling, talking to your FI, going to counseling, or talking to your friends. 

Best of luck! 

Post # 13
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@DefyingGravity:  I’m sorry you’re upset, and I understand that you feel insecure in comparison. But your FI is marrying YOU for a reason, not these random strippers! He’s attracted to you and I’m sure you are enough for him otherwise he probably would not have proposed in the first place. For what it’s worth, I’m sure the strippers were not as attractive as you are imagining. Strippers can be pretty gross looking… 

I personally don’t consider a lap dance to be crossing the line if it is not a common occurrence (i.e. at his bachelor party). I thought lap dances were the norm at a bachelor party. However, if you specifically spoke about lap dances beforehand and he promised no lap dances, then that’s an issue (I’m unclear as to whether lap dances actually count as touching…) Also, are you sure his friends didn’t pressure him into it? I don’t know him or his friends, but I can easily see a group of guys pressuring the groom to be into a lap dance at the bachelor party.

Anyway, I think you have a right to be upset if he broke his promise… but I’m unclear whether he actually did or not.  Regardless, I think you two clearly need to talk about it and you need to explain to him why you’re upset. 

Post # 14
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

can see why you’re upset. I wouldn’t exactly be happy about this either and it would bother me a bit, but I’d struggle to connect it to cheating, personally. I can imagine my fiance in a similar situation – some of his friends are pretty crazy when drunk and they likely subscribe to this notion that sexual temptation should naturally be part of any bachelor party. My fiance hates this, but I can definitely see some of his friends getting everyone filled up on booze and somehow engineering this situation. I can’t see my fiance resolutely saying no in the face of loud, drunken, raucous insistence from those friends, especially if one minute it’s a harmless strip club they’re entering, and the next his friends have paid for a lapdance without him really even being aware of it. I’d like to think he’d say no at some point, but I honestly wouldn’t be upset with him if the peer pressure just made him go along with it, even if that is a silly thing to do.

The reason is that outside of this situation, I know my fiance very well. I think the important thing is to ask yourself whether your fiance is generally honest and trustworthy. For me, my fiance and I are always very open with each other – we don’t pretend that we don’t find other people attractive and we both know there will be times when the other is confronted with the sight of (or contact with) a very attractive person. He’s only human and so am I. But I am secure in knowing that he loves me enough to want to marry me and that it’s unlikely that giving into peer pressure and even ogling strippers at his bachelor party would change that (in fact, I know that physical attraction is superficial, so that doesn’t even bother me much – it’s the connecting with someone else on an emotional level that sometimes scares me!). I don’t think the strippers would think of him any differently than any other guy there, and I don’t think their beauty and tempting dances would suddenly make him want someone other than me. And if he’d told me straight away what happened, like your fiance did, then it would be clear even more so that he is not trying to hide anything from me. A regrettable and silly transgression, perhaps, but only something minor in the face of the substance of our actual relationship.

Like I said, I think the key is to ask yourself whether other than this your fiance has given you any reason to feel the way you do. Only you know this. And you may need to work on your own self confidence, which is something I used to struggle with. Seeing a counselor may help put these things into perspective quicker, but certainly talking to others who can give constructive feedback is also helpful. I truly wish you luck in getting through this.

Post # 15
Member
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

So you’re not really angry at your FI, rather your insecurities over the strippers is what is the real problem is.

He didn’t touch them. He told you what had happened without prompting and has since promised to never return now that he knows how much it upset you.

This is your problem to work through, not his.

Post # 16
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I absolutley believe his friends egged him on…Have you seen a group of drunk males….They all become primative beings again….

I think men do stupid things on bucks nights that they woudn’t probably ever do again…My best friends FI got handcuffed to a pole almost naked (had his boxers on) and his best man put a sign around his neck for girls to put lipstick on and kiss him where they wanted.

My friend thought it was so funny and the guys took heaps of photos.

Girls are just as bad at hens nights….Covering yourself in penis props, male strippers, playing hens night games that involve strangers kissing or signing the bride to be….Did you have a male stripper?

The point is, it’s one night…a one off. I would be concerned if the did this often.

I’m really sorry that you feel bad about this…but there must be some underlying issues that is making you feel this way. He did as you asked in the long run….I can almost guarantee there would be no male on this planet who (if allowed) to go to a strip club, have his friends PAY for the dances, of course he is going to have the dances….

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