Post # 1
Hi everyone I’m a regular lurker who joined to rant and get some input on my situation. My fiance and I have been engaged for 2 years but dated for 4 years before that. Our relationship hasn’t ideal with us having several breakups due to emotional reasons on my part. I had never had a relationship that had formed and deepened as fast or asa strongly as this one. So it spooked me, ironically I was the commitment phobe. But we have been together with no breaks for over 2 1/2 years.
My question that I need input on is that recently we have been arguing a lot. Almost every day, just little squabbles and annoyances but they won’t stop. My fiance did not have a good childhood, he was a military brat that moved quite a bit and had no true roots or friends. This is still influencing him to this day and it’s recently causing issues. Over the years we have learned eachother and how to communicate when we need to. But recently he has just seemed to go cold. He has formed a habit of calling himself “a horrible person” and there is nothing absolutely nothing that I can say that will snap him out of it. He will call me after work and we will be chit chatting and suddenly he’s saying I’m angry at him, that he’s a “horrible person” and then he’ll hang up. When he gets home he is cold, doesn’t say anything to me and goes to the bedroom. I don’t know what to do. Every time I try and help or get him to talk about it I only seem to make it worse. To get him riled up and slamming doors and raising his voice at me. When it gets like that all that seems to work is for me to just leave and let him cool off.
I don’t want our relationship to end but I am at my whits end here and need some bee’s help. Thanks
Post # 2
somethingsgottagive: That doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship worth pursuing. Life is full of stressful times, his poor communication skills are not a good foundation for a long term relationship. Please also consider if you want him parenting any future children, as his behavior is an example they will follow.
You deserve far better, in my opinion.
Post # 3
Your FI clearly has some deep-seeded anger and resentment that he needs to deal with before he is in any position to move forward into a marriage relationship. It sounds as if he doesn’t really know how to deal with these emotions, and he may be feeling as if the relationship itself is a major cause of his resentment. I would encourage him to talk with a counselor, first on his own, and then, possibly together with you to see what is causing him to feel this way and what he ultimately wants to do about it.
Post # 4
I think breaking up would be the wisest course of action.
He has some issues that he needs to work on, and I don’t think being in a relationship with him is good for either of you. The fact that you can’t talk to him about what’s going on really isn’t good. Marriage involves discussions about difficult topics sometimes, so it’s not good that you can’t do that with him after being together for several years.
He’s going through something, and even though you’re doing your best to help him, you might have to focus on your own well being and leave him.
Like Astra mentioned, you also have to think about your future children. Would you want them having a father who behaves that way? If you don’t, it’s best to end things now.
If you don’t want to end it, then at least move out. Sometimes living separately, especially when you’re not married to someone, is the best thing to do. It gives both people a break, room to breath, and time to think. In your case, I think it will remove you from a tense living situation, and that’s very important. It might also help your fiancee decompress and give him room to make some decisions.
Post # 5
Thank you bee’s for your little nuggets of wisdom and such quick responses.
I too am thinking of the future, but I am also looking back in the past. We have gotten through arguments and break-ups in the past whats to say we can’t again. I am trying to get him to talk to a counselor and figure out if his problems can be worked out. If not then I will be saying goodbye.
I am trying to get him to talk to someone, to try and find out what exactly is going on, but its very slow going.
This not being able to talk to one another is a recent development. We used to be good at communication and figuring out our problems. I am just trying to figure out what happened to trigger what we are going through now. Unfortunately I am a student finishing up my schooling and don’t have a job. My fiance is the one who is paying for the apartment. I can’t move in with my parents because they live in Georgia.
Post # 6
- Wedding: September 2014 - Villa Celeste
To be fair, I think your fiance is acting very childish probably stemming from a lot of insecurity. While you can certainly help and support your fiance, keep in mind that he is ultimately the one who has to want to make positive changes for himself. You can not be held accountable for his overall well being, and I fear that if this keeps up, this could certainly end your marriage and create a burn out for both of you.
I think you need to start by having a honest and open conversation. Voice your opinons and be clear what your concerns are and what you need out of the relationship (communication, etc.) This way he understands, without fail, where you are coming from. How he chooses to react to that information is entirely his choice.
If you are in the process of planning, I would slow down or postpone. The last thing I feel this situation needs is stress stemming from all the work that comes with planning. I understand, and sympathize with you that you love this man and are trying to build a healthy relationship and marriage, but be careful. Make sure BEFORE you get married that these issues have been resolved. And if they haven’t been, and he’s not willing to make strides to helping the relationship I would encourage you to take a step back and evaluate the situation. Are you happy in the relationship? Is this the life and marriage that you want? And is your fiance making you a better person and vice versa?
I am sorry for what you are going through. Regardless the situation is extremely tough.
Post # 7
If someone told me he was a “horrible person”, I’d believe him.
Relationships shouldn’t be this hard. It sounds as if it’s always been pretty rocky. Are you having any fun at all?
It’s one thing to get him to agree to “go” to therapy & quite another for him to actually do the hard work of partcipating in therapy. So I would’t base my decision to stick it out on whether he agrees to go to therapy.
I’d definitely postpone the wedding & find a way to move out for the time being.
Post # 8
somethingsgottagive: I think that the fact that you are even posing this question is a huge red flag. Also, you said that you’ve broken up serveral times in the past. I just think that when you are in a strong relationship, those kinds of things shouldn’t be happening. I know that every couple is different and people handle things in different ways, but when couples break up and then get back together (at least the ones that I know), their bond just never seems as strong as couples who remain together.
That being said, I think this is the kind of decision that only you can make. In the end, it is your life and you need to ask yourself if you are happy. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? At the very least, I would say to put the wedding on hold. If you do want to stay in this relationship, you and your fiance obviously have some issues that you need to work out. Planning a wedding is only going to get in the way of that and perhaps add more uneeded stress.
Post # 9
somethingsgottagive: First I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it sounds like a very difficult time. But I disagree with a lot of the PPs. I think relationships ARE supposed to be that hard, and harder. I work with the elderly so I talk to lots of couples who have been married 50-70 years. And they all (no kidding, literally every one) have told me the secret to marriage is that it’s hard, and it takes work.
Something my husband said when we were only a few months into dating really sticks with me, and I think it’s a great view of marriage. He said that there would come a day that I wouldn’t like him, that I wouldn’t love him, and that I wouldn’t want to be with him. But if we’re married, I’d choose to be with him, and we’d do whatever it took to work through it, because that’s what marriage is. The fact you’re not married yet gives you the freedom to leave the relationship, and if you feel that’s the right thing by all means do, you know your relationship better than anyone else. But do remember that any relationship that lasts as long as yours has will inevitably include moments like this one. When we tell our girlfriends that their relationships should be “easier” we’re setting them up for a lifetime of failure. Hugs and wishing you the best of luck whatever you choose!!
*None of this applies if there’s physical violence against you, in which case leave him and never look back.