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When is her wedding? How far out are we talking? If you told her a week prior to the wedding, I think it's understandable for her to be angry. If we're talking a couple of months, there's no reason you should assume that her programs would be printed, and you're giving her plenty of notice.
I do have to take her side a little bit though. You knew two years in advance what the date of her wedding was. Why did you pick a date a week after hers? If I were your friend, that would probably make me angry, too. She probably feels like it's your own fault for choosing the date you did, but you already committed to being in her wedding, and now you're backing out.
Her wedding is in 4 weeks, I told her about 8 weeks before her wedding. I picked a date after hers because it was the only time off i had.
you can back out, but expect the relationship to be over...especially with her wedding only a month away.
I can't really imagine why she was printing her programs that early. I'm getting married next weekend and mine aren't done yet! I do think you gave her plenty of notice 8 weeks out, but I would encourage you to not write off the friendship. You know by now that wedding planning is an unbelievably stressful time, and losing a bridesmaid with only a month until the wedding is going to make that a lot worse, especially if she wanted a nice even wedding party. I think with only 4 weeks to go, since you agreed to be in the wedding, it's going to destroy your friendship if you back out now. Ultimately that's your decision, but I would try to at least see this from her side before you completely cut her out of your life.
I bet her reaction was more related to her personal issues... people deal with stress differently and maybe she is stressed out with the idea of you not being her bridesmaid to really behave with more understanding. Give her some time to steam off. Once she absorbs everything you said I am sure she will come around.
It does sound like you are stretched thin though. Hang in there, and do what is best for you. That is all you can really do. Sometimes we hurt people by accident not realizing that meeting our needs affects others.
I don't think her wedding will be ruined if you don't go. The program is a small detail in the scheme of things. Most people don't even pay attention to them and toss them out at the end of the night. Planning a wedding is stressful and she is probably really stressed out, or maybe she isn't as good of a friend as you thought.
I would do what YOU WANT. If that means not going then do that. If you feel that you will regret not going to her wedding then that is something you will have to think about.
Will you get a refund on your BM dress and airfair? that is another thing to think about.
I know you're looking for support, but I can't offer it here. She told you TWO YEARS ago when the wedding would be. If you could only get the week after for your wedding, you should have considered dropping out of hers then. It may be early to be printing programs, but I'd still be very upset if I were her. You're her friend, she probably genuinely wants you there. It's the middle of a very stressful time, not a good time to get a bombshell like that. It'd probably be very hard to get a dress and accessories and all for a replacement. Not to mention just finding a replacement. And while many people don't care about even bridal parties, I do, and she probably does too. I'd be very upset if one of my girls dropped out at such a late date, especially when she gave you so much notice. And keep in mind, she's probably just as stressed as you are. You sound like you have a lot going on, but honestly, most people have a lot going on. Life is tough and wedding planning is stressful. Try to cut her a break. Hope everything works out and you can manage to be less stressed yourself. Hugs.
by intern, you mean medical intern right? i'm so sorry you're feeling pulled in 10 different directions right now. i am sure you have found that many people outside of medicine don't really understand that a newly-minted doctor's schedule (and where you move/train) isn't under their control. someone just posted on another thread today about how she is having trouble scheduling wedding-related meetings because her FI's schedule is month-to-month and he gets very few weekends off. so, liz.smith, the fact of the matter is, if the OP is a medical intern like I think she is, she had to bargain and arrange her schedule ALREADY in order to accommodate her friend's wedding, and that isn't always easy. two years advance notice is really no different from 6 months of advance notice in the world of a resident.
martman, you've done a lot to try to accommodate her given the constraints on your time and energy. yes, it can be upsetting for a bm to back out 8 weeks before the wedding after knowing about the wedding plans 2 years in advance. However, for her to put a guilt trip you the way she did is really not something i think a good friend should do. she is understandably wrapped up in her own wedding and sounds like she is letting her short-term concerns about her wedding override your friendship.
as callous as this may sound, you need to take care of yourself right now. keep in mind, as previous posters have noted, that you may not recoup the money you've already spent on a dress and airfare, and by not going, you might sacrifice your friendship with her. hopefully, with some time to cool down, you two can get past this really stressful time and be good friends again, but be prepared for her to be really mad at you for quite a while.
I have sympathy for you that you are being pulled in a thousand directions and it must be VERY stressful for you right now. My fiancee is a surgical intern and life this past year has been....interesting to say the least. I sympathize with your lack of vacation, lack of sleep, and major life stress right now.
That said, I have to side with your friend. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it was insensitive of you to call her just 8 weeks before her wedding and back out. Living with my fiancee while he was in med school and now as a resident, I need to sometimes (gently) remind him that his job is important, but that he needs to keep perspective and try to be considerate of others feelings (and to remember that life goes on outside of the hospital). Just because she is not understanding of you backing out of her wedding does not make her a bad friend.
Again, I understand your stresses, but there are times in life when you need to put others feelings first. Scheduling your wedding a week after hers, knowing your obligations to her, knowing your hectic work schedule, and stressful finances, was just not the best thing to do. I can understand why your friend would be incredibly hurt by you backing out just a few months before her wedding. She may have said she was upset because of the "programs" or "uneven" bridal party, but she probably said these things because she did not know how to react to you backing out.
In any event, I am not sure what advice I can provide to you at this point. I think if you do back out, you may lose her as a friend. Does that bother you? If you go, you will be really stressed.
I do hope it works out for you...and good luck with the rest of intern year!
OK, Erindesmar has a good point about 8 weeks not being enough notice if the OP knew back in January/February that she was going to schedule her wedding for 1 week after her friend's.
However, I don't think it's fair to say that she should have to wait another year/9 months/indefinitely to even begin planning her own wedding (basically, if she didn't have it then, she would have to wait until she got more vacation time, which she might not be able to schedule more than a couple of months in advance, and even then no time off might have been available at least for another year). That being said, she should have thought about the situation as soon as she scheduled her own wedding, not months afterwards.
Residents and Interns often get wrapped up in their lives in the hospital. They need their friends and family to help keep them afloat and balanced. Martman, this is a tough time, but maybe you should look at this as an opportunity to reconnect with your friend the bride, as well as the mutual friends you will see at her wedding. Maybe going and being there for your friend will be more fulfilling than re-doing your menu design or tweaking your flower scheme the week before your wedding. I really do feel for you, and I feel as if I might want to just fend for myself if I were in your situation, but maybe you can do better than I would.
While I agree that it was slightly unfair of her to be so unsympathetic...I have to point out that you could have scheduled your wedding for the following year. There's nothing wrong with a long engagement (mine's going to last 3-4 years).
I realize that you're stressed, and that there's nothing you can do about it now, but I wouldn't ruin a good friendship over this.
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I am on your side on this one, although I do think you should have given her more time I feel as though maybe all you wanted from you friend was some sympathy. To me it seems that you have already answered your own question. You stated:
"I felt really bad, apologized, and cut costs on my own wedding just to purchase the airfare out for her wedding and told her I'd come.I am now regretting it, I am angry with her, if she were really a friend she would be more understanding, she is not even coming to my wedding because her honeymoon would be cut short, and I don't even want her as a friend now."
This being said I feel like though you are giving up a lot out of your wedding and are willing to compromise to keep your friendship. I had to pull out of one of my close friends wedding too because she got married in Indonesia and I had to start saving up for mine. I hope you follow your heart and everything works out for the best.
To me I feel like your friend may have overreacted in the moment -- I realize that in these situations, especially with only a couple months to go, us brides can take every little thing that happens counter to our carefully crated wedding plans and schedules as some kind of apocalyptic moment. Perhaps if she were to step back and think about it a little, she would have realized that your reasons were just -- you were honestly overwhelmed work wise and finance wise, not just a flaky BM who is complaining about the price of her dress -- and her wedding would not be ruined by a slightly imbalanced wedding party.
The thing is you've already told her you'd stay. And even if her first reaction was kind of harsh and possibly unjustified, it will probably be worse now and especially for your relationship beyond your weddings. Is backing out and breaking things off completely worth it? Like an earlier poster pointed out, would you even be able to return your dress and airfare? Maybe the dress, but less likely the cross country ticket. It seems like you want to back out now, not because it would cause you less stress, but because you are justifiably angry about how the situation turned out. I would suggest talking to her before you totally break it off. Throw her one last bone and try to have a conversation where she will hopefully hear what you're saying as her friend, not as another cog in her wedding machine. If she is really a close friend, then hopefully you'll be able to come to some kind of understanding that will ease both your minds and possibly make this trip to be in her wedding something to look forward to. But if she isn't able to see beyond herself, then you just have to make the choice that's best for you.
For your own sanity, you may in fact need to drop out of her wedding party. It is extremely difficult to fly across the country one week before your own wedding, and I can completely understand if you can't handle that.
But once you got engaged you needed to tell your friend that you were terribly sorry, but you needed to drop out of her wedding party since you only have two weeks vacation and you didn't want to wait another year to get married.
At this point, my guess is that even if you attend her wedding your friend is going to be really annoyed at you, and you will be frustrated since you made a tremendous effort to be there and she is still mad at you and there are a million things you need to do at the same time for your own wedding. I would cancel with tremendous apologies, explaining that I did not realize the overwhelming amount of work wedding planning is, and that I just can't handle two weddings so close together. You should tell her how sorry you are that you didn't back out sooner.
Right now, she will be incredibly angry and frustrated, but if you want to continue your friendship I would give it some time and make another sincere apology for not anticipating how hard this was going to be. In a few months or a year, she may be much calmer and more understanding of the situation. I think that you only got into this mess because you really wanted to support her and you genuinely had the best of intentions of being there, and hopefully she will eventually realize that.
I'm torn on this one. On the one hand, you didn't realize that planning your wedding a week after hers would be so difficult. On the other hand, YOU planned it, and YOU should be the one making concessions to reconcile it. Which you have. But you don't understand her perspective? Really? She asked you two years ago. Which tells me she has been engaged for a WHILE. And now you want a SHORT engagement, and planned your wedding during her honeymoon instead of waiting for the next year. If I were her, I would already have been hurt when you announced your date. And telling her only now that it's too much? She's obviously done a lot of planning, and she's had that luxury with a long engagement. You chose a short engagement, so if you have to cram all your planning in, it isn't her fault, it's your own. I see that you may not have realized what you did by setting the date so short, but I see her point more that she has taken time to plan and include you, and you seem to have "stolen her thunder" while at the same time excluding her from your wedding entirely since you knew she'd be on her honeymoon. (I wouldn't cut mine short either if I had been planning for two years!) I think you should suck it up and attend her wedding. It's not fair to her to drop out now, and I don't think that she's asking too much of a friend. If you are really her friend, you would understand her point too, and not jeopardize your relationship because of your own bad decisions.
@mighty -Yup, yup and yup. I have to agree on this. Sorry, but I think you made a few mistakes.
Here are my thoughts. And I will first preface this by saying that I am not familiar with the schedule of med students (other than I get the idea that it's intense.)
"One of my close friends asked me 2y ago to be a bridesmaid. I agreed and even asked for time off for her wedding (I am now an intern, only get 2 wks vacation/yr)." Even if two years ago you weren't this overwhelmed, didn't you know how it would be? Did no one tell you about the two weeks vacation, or what internships would be like? My impression is that somehow you had to have known this would be tough to negotiate to begin with. And perhaps could have been upfront that you might run into some snags.
"I got engaged in the winter and my wedding is 1 week after hers (it was the only the only time/date I could get on short notice)." OK, to each his/her own. But IMO, why, if you are under such stress from school, do you need to get married on "short notice"? I guess it's hard for me to appreciate this part because I would probably want a year for engagement to plan everything well and not stress, regardless.... And I also have a hard time believing that a bride wouldn't know planning a wedding in 6 months or less would be considerably more stressful, especially when you add your work situation. (I'm not saying you are lying. Maybe you didn't know. But this is why I have a hard time appreciating your circumstance. And maybe your friend is feeling the same way.)
"things have been bad in the past 3 months - i am overwhelmed with wedding planning, overwhelmed financially, our attempts to buy a house fell through, and i am exhausted from work. The wedding is on the west coast, i am on the east coast. I called her 1 mo ago,was honest and told her I was overwhelmed," These things would be fine reason why you'd turn down being a BM.....in the beginning. It's difficult to swallow "financial reasons" as understandable when you've already paid for the dress and flight. I won't be a dead horse about dropping out in proximity to the wedding.
and asked her if she could ask someone, a relative, to be a replacement. She got upset, told me that she was about to print the programs, there would be an uneven number of BM/groomsmen, her wedding would be ruined, and I should have told her 6 mo ago." It does seem like you created this situation, where you put a lot more (perhaps unecessary) stress on and already stressful you, and she's the one who has to pay. That is why your friendship is on the line. The programs are not the point. Whether or not having an even bridal party is a big deal is not the point either. She apparently wants her wedding to be just as she envisioned, and after planning two years ahead of time, she thought she'd at least get what she planned for. And after 22 month of perfect, all of a sudden she is feeling like the kid who wakes up the morning the science project is due, with nothing. My guess is her personality is not that laid back, at least not for her wedding. And how would she really find a replacement?
But will her wedding be ruined? No. And if letting this fester does ruin it, you can't really be held accountable for the happiness of her entire day. What is happening that day should mean more than you not being able to be there. I hope she doesn't lose focus of that. My guess, as others have said, is that she is overwhelmed with her upcoming wedding, and have something go wrong this close, is fraying her nerves.
"I am angry with her, if she were really a friend she would be more understanding, she is not even coming to my wedding because her honeymoon would be cut short, and I don't even want her as a friend now." This really caught me. First you say you feel bad and apologized. Now you are saying, you don't want her as a friend?? If you really feel bad, you should probably be able to understand if she needs time to cool down. .
And her not being understanding.... She has had her wedding planned for two years, and because you wanted yours planned on short notice, you expect her to cut her honeymoon short for your wedding? I don't see how you can get upset with her for putting her wedding (and honeymoon) before your wedding, when you've clearly put yours before hers. You're the one who changed plans, not her. (And I'm not saying you don't have a right to put your own wedding first. I just don't get why you're upset with her.)
Also, based on some things from this thread, I kind of get the feeling that some medical people are of the mind that their lives are so hard and the people around them should be understanding and supportive of that. Well I'm not sure it works that way. I think family and friends are supportive in their own way, not necessarily the way you think fits best. For example, being busy with school, did you miss out on some BM duties? In general have you missed events for family and friends? With regard to this friend, have you missed out on some quality time with her, even phone calls a bit less frequent? Based on how busy you say you are, I'm guessing you haven't had much time for her. Has she really complained about it? I'm thinking she hasn't, or you'd be inclined to put it in your post. Being supportive of someone in med school doesn't mean being Ok with them walking all over you and disappointing you at a moment's notice. Are you being understanding of the sacrifices others go through so you can have the career you want?
Should I go or just tell her no, I can't make it? I am torn between the right thing to do and what is best for me. So are you saying that you would still go as a guest? If you bought the airfare and the dress, and can go as a guest, why can't you go as a BM? If you can't make the rehearsal or something, have you tried just explaining that to your friend? I think for her, having her friend as a BM, even if in limited capacity, is better than nothing. And she would still have the even wedding party she wants.
I feel for you. I'm sorry. Really I apologize, because I don't think I've come across as having a ton of sympathy. It's just hard because you obvioulsy have to be smart, since you are becoming a doctor. So I guess I fee like you should have been more prepared for how this was going to shake down before hand. I guess I also have a hard time, because if I was in this situation, I would probably keep with the friend's wedding, and plan my own for a later date, with all that is going on.
But I wish you the best, your friend the best, and hope you can work it out. Congrats to both of you on your weddings.
@Tanya123-I am 100% with you.
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FYI - she is not a medical student, she is a medical resident. Residents are actual doctors who have graduated medical school, are paid, and have responsibilities (ie, have work schedules, and are responsible for patients etc.) They just are not board certified yet and are technically still training. A la Gray's Anatomy.
Just thought I would clarify for those who don't know!
I am an ICU nurse and my FI is an anesthesiology fellow. I can not imagine getting married during residency. It is completely crazy! We got engaged during his last year of residency knowing that he was to do a one year fellowship. Our date was picked so that he would be done with fellowship and all of his boards. I can not imagine how stressed out Ms. Martman is right now. But you committed to being a BM two years ago. I think you should push back your wedding date and take a deep breath.
Good luck!
I'm with mightsapphire and tanya123, I don't have much else to add. The only parts that I can't reiterate enough is, let your friend take some time to cool off. She has probably, personally, dealt with a lot in her own wedding planning and she may have foreseen your wedding schedules an issue early on. Also, you can't use the fact that she won't be at your wedding as an argument. She obviously planned her wedding and honeymoon before the fact, it's not like she doesn't WANT to be there.
Friendships are relationships, and any relationship takes patience, communication and a lot of work. If you can't commit to working on the best for your friendship then its not a true bond.
Ah so confusing! I think we need more information from the OP before we can say anything. Are we sure she is even a medical intern? I worked full time as an intern before my position now and I only have 10 days off a year still.
As for dropping out of her wedding, the OP just can't. If the flight is booked and the dress is bought, then why not just go and save the friendship. I think once they get together all qualms will be resolved. Yes, her wedding week will be slightly stressful, but thats the price you pay for picking a date a week after a friend's wedding.
My friend and I got engaged about 3 months apart from eachother. We are getting married three weeks apart and both agreed being bridesmaids in eachother's wedding was crazy. So now we're just reading instead and enjoying being in eachother's company.
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Hi everyone, thanks for your comments, they were helpful. I have decided to go and I'll see what happens after that, thanks again
Also, one other comment in case anyone searches for something related to this and reads the thread later, having had a bridesmaid drop out today. (2 weeks before the wedding! Yay! She bailed on her sister's wedding 3 years ago, and we all knew she'd flake out, so not surprised or anything, but still, seriously. 2 weeks?)
Dropping out last minute isn't just throwing off numbers and messing up programs. The bride has undoubtedly put money into the wedding based on having a certain number of people in her wedding party. I know that for me it means I've wasted money on her bouquet (I'm locked into the contract at this point, she's already bought the flowers), her jewelry (I bought their jewelry as part of their BM gifts), getting her hair done (MAY get some of this cost back, but again, locked into a contract, it was part of their gifts as well), the BM gift I'd bought, and the sportcoat/pants/shirt/tie/bout that one groomsman would be wearing (we paid for they guy's stuff, and we had one guy who knew he was only in if she showed, he's not close friend or anything, so he's totally cool with it, we really did care about having an even wedding party). If we were feeding them, that cost would be included, as well as if I were paying for their make-up or anything else. There's a LOT that goes into this planning that revolves around the bridal party, so it really sucks to drop a bombshell like that on someone unexpectedly. At least we knew it was almost definitely coming, it'd be way worse if we hadn't been prepared.
Wow! Honestly I have to agree with everything MightySapphire and Tanya123 posted above.
I was a law student and worked full time throughout - it was a very strenuous, stressful and time consuming part of my life. I missed a lot of vacations (didn't take ANY), events and fun times while completing my degree and studying/taking the bar exam. Somehow, along the way, I still was able to be there for a friend in her wedding. I made the commitment, I knew my responsibilites and I planned accordingly. P.S. FI and I wanted to get engaged but instead, made the very wise decision to wait to plan our wedding until after all of the madness.
I think this would be a very good idea for you too - it seems you are miserably busy and stressed out. This is no way to plan/have your wedding!
My 2 cents... reverse the situation. Right before your wedding would you be hurt that one of your closest friends dropped out and left you completely hanging???
Planning a wedding yourself I'm finding it hard to understand how you cant see it from her point of view.
I'm sorry that you are stressed right now... I know it is tough being pulled in a million directions but you made that choice when you planned your wedding a week after hers.
I would suck it up and stick to the plan... go to her wedding.. and then try to destress in the week between hers and yours. I dont think ur friend is over reacting.. I would be devastated if one of my good friends didnt think my wedding was important enough to make her schedule.
Remember karma is a nasty lil b*tch... u don't need that hanging over your head.. or guilty feelings at your wedding.
I have a similar viewpoint to your friend. I've had a 2 year engagement, and my bridesmaids have known the whole time that they'd be in the wedding. Two are super busy right now: one's finishing her Masters degree, the other is a first year teacher. Both are on the other side of the state. As such, they really haven't been involved (at all) in planning. They've bought the dress. In fact, one can't make the shower and bachlorette (they're the same day, and that happens to be the same day as her dad's 50th bday party. Due to family tragedy, this is the first bday of his that they've celebrated in decades) and no RSVP yet from the other.
My wedding is in 8 weeks. I booked my HM in October, and I'm about to make final payment on it. I've made programs, bought gifts, etc, etc. I really haven't counted on them for much more than buying the dress and showing up, so if they suddenly realized that's all they could do (and had already paid to do it!) I'd be really mad if they suddenly dropped out. I'd view it as an affront to our friendship, since they had already spent the money they needed to spend to be there. I'd also be furious if the reason was something they'd known about for months, but didn't feel the need to confront me about at the time. I'd be even more upset if they then wanted me to cut my honeymoon short, a honeymoon that was scheduled before their event even came into exsistance.
Believe me, the bride probably understands how busy you are. If she'd complained about it before now, you didn't mention it, so I'd assume she let it slide. This is why she's upset: you knew how busy you were too, and you couldn't give her the heads up further in advance?
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To be honest, I'd be really upset with you if I were her, but I'd relieve you of your duties. No sense in forcing someone to do something they don't want to do... but I'd also probably not be friends with you anymore. I know that life hits you hard sometimes, but I can never imagine backing out of a wedding of my really honest to god good friend, short of a family tragedy or severe illness. This is something you could have discussed earlier on in the game, I think. I know you didn't expect that you'd be as busy as you are right now, but if one of my BMs backed out of my wedding 2 months before, when she'd been a part of the plans all along, because she was "too busy", I'd really question my relationship with that person. It would really hurt me.
Martman: I'm glad you decided to go. Best of luck. And how about a follow up?
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One of my close friends asked me 2y ago to be a bridesmaid. I agreed and even asked for time off for her wedding (I am now an intern, only get 2 wks vacation/yr). I got engaged in the winter and my wedding is 1 week after hers (it was the only the only time/date I could get on short notice).
things have been bad in the past 3 months - i am overwhelmed with wedding planning, overwhelmed financially, our attempts to buy a house fell through, and i am exhausted from work. The wedding is on the west coast, i am on the east coast.
I called her 1 mo ago,was honest and told her I was overwhelmed, and asked her if she could ask someone, a relative, to be a replacement. She got upset, told me that she was about to print the programs, there would be an uneven number of BM/groomsmen, her wedding would be ruined, and I should have told her 6 mo ago.
I felt really bad, apologized, and cut costs on my own wedding just to purchase the airfare out for her wedding and told her I'd come.
I am now regretting it, I am angry with her, if she were really a friend she would be more understanding, she is not even coming to my wedding because her honeymoon would be cut short, and I don't even want her as a friend now.
Should I go or just tell her no, I can't make it? I am torn between the right thing to do and what is best for me.
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