Post # 1
One of my close friends asked me 2y ago to be a bridesmaid. I agreed and even asked for time off for her wedding (I am now an intern, only get 2 wks vacation/yr). I got engaged in the winter and my wedding is 1 week after hers (it was the only the only time/date I could get on short notice).
things have been bad in the past 3 months – i am overwhelmed with wedding planning, overwhelmed financially, our attempts to buy a house fell through, and i am exhausted from work. The wedding is on the west coast, i am on the east coast.
I called her 1 mo ago,was honest and told her I was overwhelmed, and asked her if she could ask someone, a relative, to be a replacement. She got upset, told me that she was about to print the programs, there would be an uneven number of BM/groomsmen, her wedding would be ruined, and I should have told her 6 mo ago.
I felt really bad, apologized, and cut costs on my own wedding just to purchase the airfare out for her wedding and told her I’d come.
I am now regretting it, I am angry with her, if she were really a friend she would be more understanding, she is not even coming to my wedding because her honeymoon would be cut short, and I don’t even want her as a friend now.
Should I go or just tell her no, I can’t make it? I am torn between the right thing to do and what is best for me.
Post # 3
When is her wedding? How far out are we talking? If you told her a week prior to the wedding, I think it’s understandable for her to be angry. If we’re talking a couple of months, there’s no reason you should assume that her programs would be printed, and you’re giving her plenty of notice.
I do have to take her side a little bit though. You knew two years in advance what the date of her wedding was. Why did you pick a date a week after hers? If I were your friend, that would probably make me angry, too. She probably feels like it’s your own fault for choosing the date you did, but you already committed to being in her wedding, and now you’re backing out.
Post # 4
Her wedding is in 4 weeks, I told her about 8 weeks before her wedding. I picked a date after hers because it was the only time off i had.
Post # 5
you can back out, but expect the relationship to be over…especially with her wedding only a month away.
Post # 6
I can’t really imagine why she was printing her programs that early. I’m getting married next weekend and mine aren’t done yet! I do think you gave her plenty of notice 8 weeks out, but I would encourage you to not write off the friendship. You know by now that wedding planning is an unbelievably stressful time, and losing a bridesmaid with only a month until the wedding is going to make that a lot worse, especially if she wanted a nice even wedding party. I think with only 4 weeks to go, since you agreed to be in the wedding, it’s going to destroy your friendship if you back out now. Ultimately that’s your decision, but I would try to at least see this from her side before you completely cut her out of your life.
Post # 7
I bet her reaction was more related to her personal issues… people deal with stress differently and maybe she is stressed out with the idea of you not being her bridesmaid to really behave with more understanding. Give her some time to steam off. Once she absorbs everything you said I am sure she will come around.
It does sound like you are stretched thin though. Hang in there, and do what is best for you. That is all you can really do. Sometimes we hurt people by accident not realizing that meeting our needs affects others.
Post # 8
I don’t think her wedding will be ruined if you don’t go. The program is a small detail in the scheme of things. Most people don’t even pay attention to them and toss them out at the end of the night. Planning a wedding is stressful and she is probably really stressed out, or maybe she isn’t as good of a friend as you thought.
I would do what YOU WANT. If that means not going then do that. If you feel that you will regret not going to her wedding then that is something you will have to think about.
Will you get a refund on your BM dress and airfair? that is another thing to think about.
Post # 9
I know you’re looking for support, but I can’t offer it here. She told you TWO YEARS ago when the wedding would be. If you could only get the week after for your wedding, you should have considered dropping out of hers then. It may be early to be printing programs, but I’d still be very upset if I were her. You’re her friend, she probably genuinely wants you there. It’s the middle of a very stressful time, not a good time to get a bombshell like that. It’d probably be very hard to get a dress and accessories and all for a replacement. Not to mention just finding a replacement. And while many people don’t care about even bridal parties, I do, and she probably does too. I’d be very upset if one of my girls dropped out at such a late date, especially when she gave you so much notice. And keep in mind, she’s probably just as stressed as you are. You sound like you have a lot going on, but honestly, most people have a lot going on. Life is tough and wedding planning is stressful. Try to cut her a break. Hope everything works out and you can manage to be less stressed yourself. Hugs.
Post # 10
by intern, you mean medical intern right? i’m so sorry you’re feeling pulled in 10 different directions right now. i am sure you have found that many people outside of medicine don’t really understand that a newly-minted doctor’s schedule (and where you move/train) isn’t under their control. someone just posted on another thread today about how she is having trouble scheduling wedding-related meetings because her FI’s schedule is month-to-month and he gets very few weekends off. so, liz.smith, the fact of the matter is, if the OP is a medical intern like I think she is, she had to bargain and arrange her schedule ALREADY in order to accommodate her friend’s wedding, and that isn’t always easy. two years advance notice is really no different from 6 months of advance notice in the world of a resident.
martman, you’ve done a lot to try to accommodate her given the constraints on your time and energy. yes, it can be upsetting for a bm to back out 8 weeks before the wedding after knowing about the wedding plans 2 years in advance. However, for her to put a guilt trip you the way she did is really not something i think a good friend should do. she is understandably wrapped up in her own wedding and sounds like she is letting her short-term concerns about her wedding override your friendship.
as callous as this may sound, you need to take care of yourself right now. keep in mind, as previous posters have noted, that you may not recoup the money you’ve already spent on a dress and airfare, and by not going, you might sacrifice your friendship with her. hopefully, with some time to cool down, you two can get past this really stressful time and be good friends again, but be prepared for her to be really mad at you for quite a while.
Post # 11
I have sympathy for you that you are being pulled in a thousand directions and it must be VERY stressful for you right now. My fiancee is a surgical intern and life this past year has been….interesting to say the least. I sympathize with your lack of vacation, lack of sleep, and major life stress right now.
That said, I have to side with your friend. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it was insensitive of you to call her just 8 weeks before her wedding and back out. Living with my fiancee while he was in med school and now as a resident, I need to sometimes (gently) remind him that his job is important, but that he needs to keep perspective and try to be considerate of others feelings (and to remember that life goes on outside of the hospital). Just because she is not understanding of you backing out of her wedding does not make her a bad friend.
Again, I understand your stresses, but there are times in life when you need to put others feelings first. Scheduling your wedding a week after hers, knowing your obligations to her, knowing your hectic work schedule, and stressful finances, was just not the best thing to do. I can understand why your friend would be incredibly hurt by you backing out just a few months before her wedding. She may have said she was upset because of the "programs" or "uneven" bridal party, but she probably said these things because she did not know how to react to you backing out.
In any event, I am not sure what advice I can provide to you at this point. I think if you do back out, you may lose her as a friend. Does that bother you? If you go, you will be really stressed.
I do hope it works out for you…and good luck with the rest of intern year!
Post # 12
OK, Erindesmar has a good point about 8 weeks not being enough notice if the OP knew back in January/February that she was going to schedule her wedding for 1 week after her friend’s.
However, I don’t think it’s fair to say that she should have to wait another year/9 months/indefinitely to even begin planning her own wedding (basically, if she didn’t have it then, she would have to wait until she got more vacation time, which she might not be able to schedule more than a couple of months in advance, and even then no time off might have been available at least for another year). That being said, she should have thought about the situation as soon as she scheduled her own wedding, not months afterwards.
Residents and Interns often get wrapped up in their lives in the hospital. They need their friends and family to help keep them afloat and balanced. Martman, this is a tough time, but maybe you should look at this as an opportunity to reconnect with your friend the bride, as well as the mutual friends you will see at her wedding. Maybe going and being there for your friend will be more fulfilling than re-doing your menu design or tweaking your flower scheme the week before your wedding. I really do feel for you, and I feel as if I might want to just fend for myself if I were in your situation, but maybe you can do better than I would.
Post # 13
While I agree that it was slightly unfair of her to be so unsympathetic…I have to point out that you could have scheduled your wedding for the following year. There’s nothing wrong with a long engagement (mine’s going to last 3-4 years).
I realize that you’re stressed, and that there’s nothing you can do about it now, but I wouldn’t ruin a good friendship over this.
Post # 14
I am on your side on this one, although I do think you should have given her more time I feel as though maybe all you wanted from you friend was some sympathy. To me it seems that you have already answered your own question. You stated:
"I felt really bad, apologized, and cut costs on my own wedding just to purchase the airfare out for her wedding and told her I’d come.
I am now regretting it, I am angry with her, if she were really a friend she would be more understanding, she is not even coming to my wedding because her honeymoon would be cut short, and I don’t even want her as a friend now."
This being said I feel like though you are giving up a lot out of your wedding and are willing to compromise to keep your friendship. I had to pull out of one of my close friends wedding too because she got married in Indonesia and I had to start saving up for mine. I hope you follow your heart and everything works out for the best.
Post # 15
To me I feel like your friend may have overreacted in the moment — I realize that in these situations, especially with only a couple months to go, us brides can take every little thing that happens counter to our carefully crated wedding plans and schedules as some kind of apocalyptic moment. Perhaps if she were to step back and think about it a little, she would have realized that your reasons were just — you were honestly overwhelmed work wise and finance wise, not just a flaky BM who is complaining about the price of her dress — and her wedding would not be ruined by a slightly imbalanced wedding party.
The thing is you’ve already told her you’d stay. And even if her first reaction was kind of harsh and possibly unjustified, it will probably be worse now and especially for your relationship beyond your weddings. Is backing out and breaking things off completely worth it? Like an earlier poster pointed out, would you even be able to return your dress and airfare? Maybe the dress, but less likely the cross country ticket. It seems like you want to back out now, not because it would cause you less stress, but because you are justifiably angry about how the situation turned out. I would suggest talking to her before you totally break it off. Throw her one last bone and try to have a conversation where she will hopefully hear what you’re saying as her friend, not as another cog in her wedding machine. If she is really a close friend, then hopefully you’ll be able to come to some kind of understanding that will ease both your minds and possibly make this trip to be in her wedding something to look forward to. But if she isn’t able to see beyond herself, then you just have to make the choice that’s best for you.
Post # 16
For your own sanity, you may in fact need to drop out of her wedding party. It is extremely difficult to fly across the country one week before your own wedding, and I can completely understand if you can’t handle that.
But once you got engaged you needed to tell your friend that you were terribly sorry, but you needed to drop out of her wedding party since you only have two weeks vacation and you didn’t want to wait another year to get married.
At this point, my guess is that even if you attend her wedding your friend is going to be really annoyed at you, and you will be frustrated since you made a tremendous effort to be there and she is still mad at you and there are a million things you need to do at the same time for your own wedding. I would cancel with tremendous apologies, explaining that I did not realize the overwhelming amount of work wedding planning is, and that I just can’t handle two weddings so close together. You should tell her how sorry you are that you didn’t back out sooner.
Right now, she will be incredibly angry and frustrated, but if you want to continue your friendship I would give it some time and make another sincere apology for not anticipating how hard this was going to be. In a few months or a year, she may be much calmer and more understanding of the situation. I think that you only got into this mess because you really wanted to support her and you genuinely had the best of intentions of being there, and hopefully she will eventually realize that.