Post # 1
Ladies, I need some more advice.
My husband and I got into an argument last night, we have argued every day for the last four days which is completely unlike us. I have a strong suspicion it’s the hormones from the pregnancy but I need your opinions. I don’t want to portray myself as the victim because I honestly want this resolved.
Last night my husband and I were invited to a bar to watch his friends play music and he was invited to go up there and play himself (small bar no big deal). I had to wake up at 5:30am for work today and I’m pregnant so I wasn’t feeling like going to a bar and told him I didn’t want to go and why but he continued to try to convince me. I didn’t change my mind.
Yesterday he brought it up again upset that he didn’t go, said he really wanted to go and that he is never “allowed” to hang out with his friends. The same friends that took him to a strip club when he and I agreed he wouldn’t go. I never said I didn’t want him to go to the bar last night but I didn’t want him to go. I had a horribly crazy day yesterday and just wanted to have him with me.
He then got all upset saying I never “let” him hang out with his friends. No, he doesn’t hang out with his friends every day but twice a week he plays music with one friend, twice a week he plays with the church and yesterday just before the argument he dropped me and our daughter off at her school for pto night while he went with his friend to do some hunting thing, none of this I complain about. This is the second time in a week he has went with his friend (in his acclaimed defense his friend didn’t show up last night but he still went hunting anyways)
It’s true, right now I don’t feel like he should be out partying with his friends at bars, we have a family at home that needs him. I’m 6 weeks pregnant and he seems to completely disregard that.
I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if me wanting him to not go and party is understandable, please if you have any advice share. And in case you were wondering we are both 27, it seems like this would have been a more understandable argument at 22, not 27.
Post # 3
@Mrslovebug: If you had no kids, I would say 3 times a week would be reasonable when you’re pregnant.
But wait. you already have a daughter! That cuts it back, I’d say to 1 night a week, maximum 2, without you. Because when he goes out, you’re stuck babysitting, Plus, you feel rotten with morning sickness (I never understood that term, “all day sickness” would be a better name). so he should be around. By my count he is going out 5 times a week without you (2 for music, 2 for church, 1 for hunting). Sorry, that’s ridiculous for a father, and doubly ridiculous for a father whose wife is pregnant.
I 100% side with you. I think you should keep track of the hours he’s leaving you babysitting, and confront him and ask him when he’s going to make those hours up. Perhaps say he can go out 5 nights a week… IF he minds your daughter and does housework all weekend while you’re free to do what you want all weekend.
Post # 4
@Mrslovebug: I would simply say “Lets make a deal” I get to go out as often as you get to go out and we need to have equal amount of time together at home.
So that means 3 days home together, 2 days he gets to do something and 2 days you get to go do something. Maybe then he will see that he actually has had a pretty darn good deal. He is going to have to prioritize what is most fun for him or learn to work in events in another way. IE bringing his daughter to church to play music and involving her in the event while you do what you want to do that evening (even if its just sitting in bed or going to the gym)
That many nights out a week away from family is too many. I dont think it matters what he is doing, as long as its extra curricular its a choice. He should be spending quality time with you and your daughter and you should be allowed to have you time as well.
Post # 6
it seems like this would have been a more understandable argument at 22, not 27.
I completely agree with you on this. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!
I would pull a bit of reverse psychology on him. Right now the flow of energy in the argument is that he’s claiming you’re controlling him and keeping him from running wild and free. You’re trying to just talk sense into him.
OK. So take a big, fat pin and pop his little balloon. Tell him “Alright, you want to go to the bar and play music? Go for it. Want to hang out with the friends who took you to the strip club after we had discussed that you wouldn’t? Go for it.” Let him know that you don’t like it, but that on the other hand you’re not going to tell him what to do.
Then shut your mouth and just sit back and watch what he does.
He may go out partying more often, but then again, he might actually realize **on his own ** that the time has come for him to set those things aside, put his big boy pants on, and stand by your side.
In other words, let go of the argument and see if he can come to this realization on his own.
Post # 7
Right now it seems like he’s playing the victim card. “you never let him do anything or go out with his friends” but yall have a daughter with another kid on the way and he needs to realize he isn’t going to always be able to do the things HE wants to do. If he can go out once a week that’s great but to expect more when yall already have a family is putting his own needs above everyone elses. Some of this, I’m sure, isn’t helped by all the hormones but there is nothing wrong with wanting some cuddle time with your DH when you aren’t feeling your best because of pregnancy or a stressful day. When was the last time YOU have been able to have a gal’s night out?
Post # 8
Thank you ladies. I had to work today so I woke up in the morning and went to work while he and our little girl slept.
when I got home the place was cleaned, he spent all day cleaning which was awesome. He has apologized since but then mentioned drinking tomorrow. I’m worried with the new baby in the picture that he’s hitting some crisis or something.
i will give him his night but he will have to exchange it with one of his other nights and if drinking becomes a regular something will need to be done.
i think he sees he was being a jerk last night accusing me of being controlling and such.
if he wants to drink occasionally that’s ok but what I failed to mention is when we met he had a drinking problwhether caused a lot of problems when he quit, so when he starts wanting to drink is concerns me. Moderation is fine but wanting to go party and starting an argument over it is concerning. If he can’t see that we may need counseling or maybe he does if he’s hitting a crisis
Post # 9
I think your husband is having trouble letting go of his single life. Married adults have different priorities than constantly hanging out with friends, especially when there are children involved.
My husband is far more introverted than I am and he rarely sees his friends. I spend a lot more time then him on the phone with my besties, as well as outings with girlfriends. If I go out one night, I don’t go out the following one. I also try to talk on the phone when he is busy doing something else such as watching one of his television shows that I don’t care for.
Post # 10
So I’m back with kind of an update, the arguing isnt so bad but it’s still there and I hate this. We hardly ever argue and when we do we are able to get to the root of the problem and fix it, we can’t seem to get past this (he just called) I think we need to sit with our pastor and talk this out and figure it out.
he just said “I feel like we are at the prime of our youth, we should be out doing something” to which I respond “I wanted to do somethinadjust a few hours ago but you were set on going home. It seems like you want to do something by yourself, that you don’t want to be with your family. We are in the prime of our marriage, we should be doing things together more than apart” but he just didn’t get it. He is coming home because he was out with his friend (he had plans to go out for two or three hours but last minute decided to stay out late fishing and I asked if he would stick to the original plans so I didn’t have to go to bed alone to which the replied pretty harshly which sparked this argument)
he feels bad and doesnt like how we are fighting so he decided to come home, I’m going to try and compromise first and if that doesn’t work we have to go to counseling. We both don’t want this arguing, neither of us “win” something needs to give
Post # 11
i voted one night a week…and we don’t have any kids. honestly, with one small child and a pregnant wife, going out should be a treat that happens once or twice a month. ESPECIALLY since he has a drinking problem! he should be at home with his family. if he insists on going out so much he should take your daughter with him. i bet he’ll be home a lot sooner.
Post # 12
@Mrslovebug: He has one child and another on the way… there is no “prime of your youth” at this point. It is time to behave like a responsible adult.