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I got married 2 months ago after 2 years in a very happy, healthy relationship. Just a few weeks after we were married I discovered that I was pregnant. It was unplanned, but we were both very excited about it. A few weeks after that I was on an international flight home after a business trip when I miscarried. My husband took me to the doctor the next day to confirm the miscarriage. Naturally I was extremely sad afterwards, but every time I tried to talk through my feelings, my husband would tell me that I had to get over it and to stop thinking about it. Finally, after days of this, I confronted him with how disappointed I was that I couldn't express my grief around him. This turned into a fight , ending with him throwing me against a wall with his hands around my neck.
I was in total shock for a few days that he was capable of manhandling me like that, but decided after his many apologies to agree to work on it as long as he immediately arranged marriage counseling for us since only his insurance policy would cover the visits. It has been weeks and he keeps making excuses for why he can't schedule an appointment. Then just last night we were driving to meet my mother for dinner when he began antagonizing me as a joke. After deliberately and slowly explaining to him that he was hurting my feelings and I did not think his jokes were funny, he exploded into a tirade. I had to cancel with my mother because I couldn't stop my tears, and he spent the following hour on the ride home throwing every insult at me that he could think of while I just sat in silence and listened.
I am so shocked and confused. He is not acting at all like the man I thought I married and I just can't take any more after these 2 months of constant misery. I'm still just trying to emotionally recover from a miscarriage. Would it be rash of me to ask for a divorce? Or would I be a moron for sticking around to see how much worse it can get? Has anyone else had a similar experience with their husband turning into a different man after the wedding? I will be so ashamed to get a divorce after only two months of marriage, but I'm at a loss for what to do.
When I first started reading your thread my intial thought was 2 months and you're already considerin divorce? Heck yes that's too soon! Stick it out and work it out!!! But when you wrote:
ending with him throwing me against a wall with his hands around my neck.
My gut reaction was LEAVE NOW.
Go to family's, friends, hotel, leave now.
He threw you against a wall with his hands around your neck. That's all I need to hear. Arrange for a safe place to stay and go from there. Counseling can't help everything.
Your post is reminding me of another blog I read where the girl had gotten married, and then physical abuse literally started on her honeymoon. I'm searching for it so I can post a link...
OP - get out now. Physical violence like what you described will not get better. Add on the emotional abuse (yes, it's abuse) that he's heaping on you, and he will destroy you. I'm so sorry that you are in this situation, but you must get out of it. It will be difficult and awful, but nothing compared to how difficult and awful your life (and the life of any future children you might have) will be if you stay with him.
There is no reason in the world to stay.
It must be so hard for you. But remember that you need to take care of yourself (and your situation) first; not what others might think.
Get out. People handle grief in different ways so maybe he's grieving too but that is no excuse. If this is how he is handling the first test of your marriage, how will he handle bigger things? It is definitely not healthy. Don't be ashamed, you need to do what's right for you. If people judge you then they're clearly not interested in your best interest.
Honey, there's no shame in removing yourself from a situation that could potentially kill you. I would walk away right now to a safe place and send him the divorce papers - don't talk about it with him while you two are alone, you don't know how he could react. I'm so sorry you're finding this out only after the wedding. I'm also very sorry for your loss, but can't help but think that if you had had your baby, you would have his father in your life forever; now you can move on and severe ties.
Good luck, be safe and let us know what happens with you.
Imagine if you had been able to carry your child to term and your husband decided to start treating both you AND your newborn baby with violence?
For the safety of you and future children you may have with him if you stay, go to your mothers and think long and hard about what you want out of a relationship and most importantly what you deserve
emotional and physical abuse is not what you signed up for and definitely not what you deserve. i would leave.
@Bubu82: Found the blog I was thinking of. It's one where Miss Sandollar posts about her first marriage.
She posted a link to a site about domestic violence in that post. Might be worth a look.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult it is for you to have to deal with this on top of trying to recover from a miscarriage.
But I agree with PPs, you need to leave, like now. Go stay with someone you trust. Throwing you against a wall with his hand around your throat is never, ever acceptable, and if he's capable of doing something like this to his new wife who's just been through a very traumatizing experience (because miscarriages are), what else is he capable, and to whom? Next time it might not just be a hand around your throat, which is bad enough. Next time it might be a fist in your face, or a kick to your stomach. Maybe eventually he'll think it's okay to do that to your children. Is that the kind of life you want?
Leave, now.
Thank you all so much for considering my post and for your help. I can't argue with a unanimous vote. Looks like it's pretty obvious what my next steps are...
As OP suggested, its time to find a safe haven. I also would suggest you go to individual counseling so you can discuss all the emotions you are dealing w/ due to your MC and abuse. Your therapist will also be able to guide you during these difficult times.
Many prayers being sent up for you.
@Baileigh: Seperation is the way to go right now, which is what it sounds like you are doing. Take one step at a time, right now you need to leave the house. Just stay at family or friends so you are safe and lean on them for support - don't be ashamed to tell them what happened - it's not your fault, do not harbor any guilt. Worry about yourself right now and not him or the divorce, get some support from your loved ones! Hope you're leaving like RIGHT now! You don't deserve this.
Just from the surface it sounds like there's something weird going on with him that he is handling in the most inappropriate of ways, and he needs to see someone about it, stat. It sounds like he's acting extremely out of character and there has to be a reason why.
You, however, definitely need to get out of there until he gets well and gets his shit together. Find somewhere safe and get someone you can confide in. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I know you've come to the conclusion that you should leave, but I'm reiterating it, just in case there are any doubts...GET OUT NOW. Then ask for the divorce,
My friend's husband pulled the same turn around after they got married and her life is a living hell now. He will be sweet and charming to friends and to her when he wants to be, but when he wants to be ugly, does it get UGLY. It will go from him doing it in private to it happening in front of your friends and family.
You need to get far away from him, and, like PP's have said, get counseling. No amount of apologizing is enough to make up for that. You deserve better.
I hope you really left, and I hope you're ignoring his apologies. No one will blame you for ending a marriage so quickly, in fact I'd be downright proud of you for leaving instead of giving him a chance to run the cycle all over again. Good luck to you and stay safe.
I understand people can show grief in different ways, perhaps him not being able to console you is because he doesn't know how to, and he wants to avoid confronting the grief you both have by telling you to carry on as normal.
BUT, regardless of how this grief is affecting him. A man should never lay hands in a violent way on a woman (and vice versa a woman laying hands on a man). And a recently pregnant, vulnerable wife?
No do not stay with this guy while he is like this - do not wait around. You have heard what we all believe, and the majority is the voice you should be listening to. Now log your computer off, and get out of there, before he violently abuses you again.
OMG... no! Please don't stay. If he does that once... he could do it again!
Please be careful. PP advice is really good, I hope you're able to take it. If possible, go to friends or family rather than sticking it out by yourself. The support will be really important.
Once you're out and safe, then you can deal with the future of your marriage.
@KatyElle: took the words right out of my mouth. i had my answer ready after the end of the first paragraph. and after reading the rest, i see it gets worse.
there is no question here as to whether you should leave. the only question is how to do this in the safest way possible. i agree with the advice already given on here.
@jude7186: i agree with this, but i think its even more important to understand that its not about the possibility of him doing it again, but that the one incident that happened is already too much and grounds to leave.
Love shouldn't hurt. Emotionally (insults) or physically (thorwing you up against a wall with hands around your neck).
He broke the rules and that's not ok. If he really loved you he wouldn't have done anything to harm you. An apology means nothing when you do the wrong thing again and again. It's just a bunch of hot air.
Do what you need to do for yourself. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.
I agree that you need to get out of the house now. If he isn't willing to go to therapy and get help, you need to end the relationship. I know you two have had good times since you have been together for 2 years but something made him snap and you shouldn't stick around and be abused.
Oh my God. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Get out now, before you have children. Everything happens for a reason.
Don't be embarrassed - it's not your fault. Tell your family and loved ones what he's done and why this is happening, they will love and support you.
Please get out to a safe place My mom was abused my dad and she said that leaving was the smartest thing she ever did. Dont let it keep happening (because it will)
But you need to go stay with a family member or friend and make sure to have a support system because you never know what will happen when you leave. Please stay safe and GET OUT!
Get out now! Be safe! You need to get away from this man. He is a danger to you. Stay with family, a friend, someone. Once a man lays hands on you the game is over. Please, please, please get away now and make sure you're somewhere safe with people you trust.
I think part of the initial reason for his actions was your miscarriage - and I'm so sorry about that. I think... the 'get over it' was his way of dealing with it. Ie, whilst you prefer to talk things through and have a good cry, he prefers to 'man up' and let it go.
But having said that... what he did with you has no excuse. Domestic violence is the most pathetic thing a man can do... and believing in him and give it another chance subject to counselling was a very brave thing for you to do...
Although I agree with the whole... everyone deserves a second chance blah blah blah... but he used his up the way he threw insults at you 2nd time round.
Even I feel trapped just reading this.... personally, I would feel your safety and emotional well being is much more important than to.... 'save face' and stay in an abusive marriage
I think the two options are... either heavy counselling or... divorce.. But as an outsider I really can't tell you which one.... (sorry...)
What's your gut instinct?
Take care please. I can't imagine how hard it is go through this but you will get through this.
I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. Consider what he did to you like something that most likely will happen again. Just make sure you are some place safe. Take care of your self.
Oh my goodness. All I can say is I'm so sorry and please listen to the wise advice of all the Bees who've already posted and get out. You know deep down it's not going to get better, in fact you say yourself, "would I be a moron for sticking around to see how much worse it can get?" Even you know it's not going to get better, you're just hoping it doesn't get worse. That's no life! I feel like once something physical like that happens, something breaks inside the relationship and it will never be the same, and chances are, it will only get worse. It sounds like he's probably had this inside him, but the miscarriage was the stressor. All that means is something else could have done the same thing later on--something would have pushed him over the edge and made him feel it was OK to put his hands on you and emotionally tear you down. It's not OK. Please take good care of yourself, far away from him.
My father threw a coffee table at my mom before they left on their honeymoon. It took her 28 years to leave, but it was nothing but hell for her from that day onward. It finally ended for her when he had her cornered on the kitchen floor and nearly broke some of her fingers after banging her head into the cabinet and hitting her in the face. Even though their divorce was finalized over a year ago, he's still horrible to her.
Sometimes, he acted like Dad of the Year, but other times he could also be pretty terrible to me and my siblings too. And now, he can't figure out why I won't talk to him.
Your husband may not be like my father, but the thing is...it doesn't always get better. At the very least, I hope you can be separated and distance yourself until he either gets some major help or you are divorced.
Please be good to yourself!! It is NOT your fault, and asking for help is a sign of strength.
I am so sorry for all of this but please keep us updated! And yes get out NOW. Me, my mother, sister and friend just went and rescued a lady from her abusive relationship and she had to kids that saw this abuse and it is not good. It was the scariest thing I've EVER done but I am so glad I could help her get out.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I cannot say anything else that the other Bees above have not written.
First - I am so so sorry about your miscarriage. I know that it is heartbreaking.
Second - leave him....abuse doesn't usually start out in full force, it happens this way, a little at a time until you're being abused one way or the other every day. Then you'll wonder how the hell it got this far.
The longer you stay there, the harder it will be to leave. You absolutely do NOT want to stay and have children with this man. If he can do this stuff to you, what do you think he would do to your children? How do you think he would treat them? You and your future children deserve a much better husband and father than this man.
Good luck to you, stay strong and take care of yourself. Be safe.
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