(Closed) Need Advice: FMIL Breakdown Over Being “Left Out”

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1514 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Has she delegated what the money they’re contributing is for?  What if you gave her research projects to do? 

Post # 4
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

  I am sending e-mails to the moms when we make choices. My mom & I are both very opinionated and happen to not always agree. I already know pretty much everythig I want and don’t need many suggestions on what I like just how to get it affordably and some things like how not to offend people and should my cousin Joe’s  new girlfriend’s kids be invited? I also asked the moms to check over the guest list (family only) & help me get their names spelled correctly, names of new babies, addresses, phone numbers, & e- mails if possible. *Note: Since we are so independent & doing this on our own for the most part there have been some "moments" with each mom but we explained & started the updates.  We are also paying (mom offered to pay for her long lost friends to come but we declined)

Post # 5
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hey there New"bee",

Chin up darlin. She needs to chillax. Mom’s always freak out in the first few months. Give her small research projects, send her updated timelines as you can, let her know how much you appreciate her help and promise to keep her in the loop on everything (even if that’s only 50% true.) She will appreciate the outreach. And worst case scenario, should you have any bridesmaids stemming from…say…the New Jersey area…I’m sure they could talk some sense into her. 

Post # 9
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Maybe FMIL thought you were trying to get out of her shower because you want it for a later date.  Does it matter when you will have that shower since it will mostly be her friends? If she is so excited and wants to throw it now; let her.  Maybe she feels she needs months to plan it?  I would just let her do whatever she wants with the shower so she feels included.

My FMIL lives across the country while my parents live near us. My FIL’s are not contributing to the actual wedding. I don’t necessarily have the same taste as my FMIL and still plan to do things my way,  I still make an effort to include my FMIL as much as possible.  The internet is wonderful!  I email invites I am considering, flowers, I like etc.  It makes her feel included and not just as a guest at her son’s wedding.  Maybe try to email her updates yourself every couple weeks, it could be anything.. Describe the dresses or locations your looking at.  It will go a long way towards your relationship with her.

I know she seems kind of emotional, but I think she just wants to feel involved. Throw her a few bones.

Post # 10
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Welcome to the Hive! My first post was in "Emotional" too – LOL it’s all good.

As far as your FMIL – it’s tough when you’re dealing with an over-emotional/sensitive personality type because they just take EVERYTHING personally. I think the fact that you and FI live far away is probably a huge contributing factor to her flip-outs, too. Hey, at least she does email. My FMIL doesn’t really do email (I know, who doesn’t do email? It’s not like she’s 80!) so I’m having a hard time keeping her in the loop because my mom and FI and I do EVERYTHING by email. She hasn’t flipped yet but I fear there may be one in the future. I think all you can do, especially being so early in the process when there isn’t stuff going on all the time, is just keep her in the loop on your and your FI’s vision for various aspects of the wedding. She’ll know from the outset what you guys want/are thinking about, then if one of her suggestions doesn’t fit in that – sure, she may get sensitive about it as it seems to be her style, but you’ll be able to more easily say "well we showed you/told you we wanted X and this would be more appropriate if we were doing Y but we really appreciate you wanting to be involved" or some such thing. I find it hard to say stuff like that just to placate people when they are being crazy, but I’ve found that when it comes to weddings you’ve got to bite the bullet sometimes and thank people for input you don’t like or didn’t want in the first place. Sigh. Hang in there! The hive is here for you.

 

Post # 11
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

So this became my mantra about weddings even before I got engaged, although it proved to be especially true during that process, too: Weddings bring out the crazy.

People get super emotional and stressed out and have no idea what to do about it, so they wig out at the drop of a hat. 

It sounds like all you can do is consistently try to keep her informed and involved in a few things where you can yield a little control — maybe ask her to help with putting things together later on? If there’s nothing going on yet, well, she just needs to deal with that. Like you said, it sounds more like she’s feeling keyed-up about the whole "my baby’s getting married" thing, and it’s spilling over into "why-don’t-you-need-me?!" weirdness.

Have you mentioned the rehearsal dinner? Maybe she can start obsessing over that?

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