(Closed) Need Advice: Friend has 1st BF. I think they’re too serious

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
115 posts
Blushing bee

I wouldn’t say anything. They are probably still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship. Let her have her moment. Tell her your concerns when the time comes. Besides, if he starts his residency in the Fall, they’d have dated approx. 2 years by then, right? She’s 24 and he’s at least in his late 20s, I’d like to imagine they both have a good head on their shoulders. 

Post # 4
5106 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@concernedfriend:It sucks when you feel a bad vibe about a friend’s relationship. But honestly, you just have to let it ride. If you try to step in at this exact moment you might damage your friendship. Wait until you meet him. If you still have bad vibes, maybe talk to her (gently) not like you’re attacking her decisions, just make sure she realizes what she’s doing and that she really understands all that will accompany those decisions.

Post # 5
13 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

It sounds like it might be moving a bit fast. He might be a bit possessive or insecure based on what you have said.

Post # 6
2190 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@concernedfriend: I think this is one of those times where you just have to keep your thoughts to yourself (or share them on the bee!). Even though you love your friend dearly, its just not going to go over well if she is really in love with him. I don’t really see any red flags. If they are serious then they are moving forward. It is kind of sad that she might regret not having many different boyfriends (to see what type of guy is best for her) but if she knows he is the one, then that’s it–there is no more searching! Honestly, if I didn’t have to go through the searching part, and found Fiance first, well whew, that would have saved a lot of time and heart ache.

I say you would over step your boundries as a friend to talk about it to her now. Or at anytime, she’s a big girl! She can figure things out if its not right for her.

Post # 8
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Hm maybe since it’s her 1st relationship I could see your concern but I honestly let my Fiance move in after we dated about 2 months since he was always here anyway and I lost my job… He also told me he loved me 1 month to the day that we started dating. I think it’s just different for everyone. If I’d never dated anyone else I might have slowed it down but I’ve been with quite a few guys and I know whats real and what isn’t by this point… I don’t think I’d say anything to the friend just because I wouldn’t want to lose a friend over it… 

Post # 11
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@concernedfriend: Take a deep breath and relax.

It is never to early to at least talk about the future. To consider ‘what ifs’. As others have said, they wouldn’t be moving till they were 1.5years into the relationship. She is 24, I’m sure she can take care of herself at least somewhat.

Do keep an eye on her, that’s what good friends are for, but remember that you are a worrier and keep it in perspective.

Post # 12
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think it’s wonderful that you are looking out for your friend.  She is lucky to have someone like you in her life.

That being said, there are a few things that you mentioned about your friend that are totally familiar to me.  I met my Fiance online.  We met on okcupid, exchanged messages for a month, then moved on to phone for a few weeks, then decided to meet.  Well, maybe this wasn’t the smartest thing but the first time we met he came over to my apt and we hung out and ordered a pizza and rented a movie.  Nothing happened AT ALL.  No kissing/touching/holding hands.  he was a perfect gentleman.  I know there are crazies out there, i talked to A LOT of people on the internet dating world.  (one guy i chatted with a lot then found out he was a sexual offender) He moved in with me after a couple months and we are now engaged 16 months after we started dating.  Which will be about the same amount of time that your friend will have to decide if she wants to move away with him. Sometime things just feel right.  My Fiance was/is my first bf as well.  But we just clicked, we get along so well, have so much in common and just love being in each other’s company. 

The only thing that bothered me about your post was when you said he wouldn’t do the long distance thing and that she had to move.  That seems a little pushy to me.  I know a lot of people aren’t willing to do a LDR, but expecting someone else to accomodate your life is a red flag for me.  I don’t like it when people just assume I will do something.  Has he talked to your friend about all the possibilities? Or does he just assume she will follow him wherever he pleases.  Does she have any say at all? 


Post # 13
1407 posts
Bumble bee

It’s all just talk right now.  A lot could happen in a little less than a year.

Post # 14
293 posts
Helper bee

It’s possible that he brought up the issue of not wanting to do long-distance and her having to move so early because he thought it would be unfair to let her get deeply involved without knowing what she was getting into. As a medical student he knows that his career path is fairly unbendable. A long distance relationship may be especially difficult as a medical resident because of the huge time demands of that position.  I don’t see this as controlling necessarily.

A year and a half is a long time, I think it will be plenty of time to figure out what is right for her. I wouldn’t get involved!

Post # 15
3943 posts
Honey bee

@concernedfriend: I was your friend in this situation. I met my SO and he quickly became my first serious boyfriend. We fell in love and would have moved in together right away, but we both had leases and roommates.

My roommate and best friend at the time told me how she felt about my relationship and it ultimately ruined our friendship. My SO and I have been together for over 3 years and my friend and I dont speak anymore.


Post # 16
6021 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Unfortunately I think this is one of those situations that you should just bite your tongue on. Believe me I know first hand how hard it is to watch a friend walkrun straight towards a cliff. Thing is, you as her friend can only just be there when and if she falls. She may not. She may live happily ever after. You just dont know.

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