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FI and I went through a rough patch right after our son was born. Do to some unacceptable behavior, I had to initiate a break. I laid out what I would accept and what needed to change. It was hard but I didn't budge on my stance. It fortunately worked out great for us, but it could have easily of gone the other way. Although it worked out for us, I still court it as the toughest thing I ever experienced, and we still remind ourselves of that time frame all the time so that we continue to make choices that are the best for our family.
FI and I less took a break and more just completely broke up. We were apart for four and a half years. He broke up with me, and I was utterly devastated. I would have done anything to get him back. He says not calling me and begging me to take him back was one of the hardest things he's ever done.
Getting through it was one of the hardest things ever. I was a complete mess for months, and it took a couple of years before I was what I would call normal. But I moved on and kept going because I didn't have another choice.
Ultimately, breaking up was the best thing that ever happened to us as a couple. It gave us both a chance to grow up and become the people we wanted to be. We were still just kids when we broke up, and we didn't know anything. Now we do, and we know that we want each other. We're stronger than we ever were, and although that first year after we broke up was one of the darkest times in my entire life, I'm a better person for it, and we're a better couple.
It's a cliche, I know, but if it's meant to be, it will be. Just try to stay strong. Good luck.
I also wanted to point out that our break only worked out for us because we both truly wanted the same things and for it to work out. if we would have been on different pages at all, then we wouldn't have wanted to put all the work in that was needed. Counseling was the key for us.
First of all, sorry you're experiencing a rough patch. I can't imagine its an easy time.
My FI and I had a few weeks where we weren't sure if we were going to stay together or not. I wrote a post about it (big fight). Anyway, every situation is different, so I don't know how much this will help. What got us through it was still sending eachother texts or calling eachother to say "I hope you're doing ok. I'm thinking of you. etc..." It let me know that even though we were apart and not seeing eachother as often, we were still both holding on to it possibly working out. After that, counseling was a lifesaver. Even before our first counseling appointment, we checked some self-help/relationship advice books out of the library to read together and talk about. I read your previous post, and I too was caught in that cycle of huge fight, and I give the ring back and call the whole thing off. I've learned through counseling that its called overreacting, haha. Hope this helps, and definitely try counseling.
@GreenEyedMoon: This.
FI & I had a breakup before we got engaged (we had been together just shy of 9 years. It was a complete breakup. I think that's the only way either of us could have taken the steps to change what needed to be changed.
But if you suggest a break, you have to understand that it may also lead to a breakup. That's not a reason not to do it, just a possible outcome.
Also I will say, right before we got engaged I had a reason to ask "So.. Are we going to break up again?" The first time we broke up, he didn't fight it. The second time, he grabbed me and said "NO." He was committed to resolving the issues and making us work. That was how I knew we were going to work in version 2.0, compared to the first time when we were both just angry and tired of being angry all the time.
I haven't been through this myself, but sadly I observed my oldest friend go through a broken engagement last year. It was aweful...one of the most heart-wrenching things I've ever whitnessed. He called it off, and though she agreed, she had hoped it was merely a break from the relationship. Next thing you know, she's begging him to give it another shot. He asked for the ring back and started seeing someone else almost emmediatley. They had dated for a year and were engaged for a year. I think the big red flags for me were that they couldn't seem to set a date...their relationship was always in question...they couldn't seem to stabilize. I would say she didn't handle the break-up well at all. She didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone and she ended up having one of those mental break-downs you only ever hear about or see on TV. So, I would suggest you don't make the mistake she made. I suggest you reach out for support wherever you can, through family, friends, bees, counseling if possible. This kind of thing can eat you up if you don't find some peace.
I haven't but I do know that breaks need definition!
If you are on a break does that mean free to see, date f**k other people? Harsh to think about but it's REALITY. You need to discuss if you're free to do this, or are you simply still together and monogomous just needing some space.
Also make sure you set the appropriate boundaries? Are you required to tell eachother about things you're doing (or did) during the break? HUUUUUGE disagreements on this. Some think FULL disclosure is necessary, some thing "I don't wanna know... lalalala ears are plugged".
Also you're going to have to define how much communication if any is required during this break.
Lastly, the time of break. Are you going to discuss this in a month? 3 months? If you can't decide I recommend finding a time to discuss IF you're ready to discuss getting back together. ie: in 3 months we'll talk again. and 3 months comes, and you're not ready... you say alright, well I'm not ready in 1 month we'll talk again- you get the idea.
Basically my point is: your version of a break, isn't always the same version as his and vice a versa.
@vmec: makes a great point. As with anything else in the relationship, communication on expectations is KEY.
FI and I never officially took a "break" but we had a major falling out that resulted in us really having to work hard on our communication. My advice to you would be to set SPECFIC boundaries that will make you comfortable with the time away. Everything from how often to have contact, to when to have contact, to the appropriate content of the contact. If you really and truely need time apart, my suggestion would be to not speak/text/email each other.
Can I ask what you're looking for from the break? Are you deciding how to forgive or if you want to be together at all? Sorry if the questions are too invasive, bee's might have different advice based on what your goal is.
We've never planned a 'break' but we had a 'break up' that was for about a week. I honestly wish we'd worked through more at that time, but it was a turning point. You definitely need to have some discussion about what it means and what needs to change.
For us, it's been a rocky road with that being one of the deepest ruts, since we're both young and still figuring everything out, but things are getting better and I think that the break really helped us. It was really hard the first couple days because I really didn't believe it was over, but then we were able to communicate and were careful to not argue and just express our feelings in a compassionate way. We saw each other at our lowest and we didn't want to make each other feel that way again.
So we ended up taking less time a part than we should have, but I took a couple weeks to move back and we really identified the problems and came up with solutions. It just took a lot of counseling and time. Things don't change overnight, and we both recognized that, but as long as there is progress, we're willing to work on things together. If we couldn't do that, we'd have to take a break again.
Hubs and I used to have a crazy relationship in the begining, and when things finally got to a certain point, I walked away. Grabbed whatever I could find that was mine and went back home to my parents. I didn't speak to him for 3 days and basically scared the shit out of him. When I finally agreed to come talk to him face to face, we had both realized that this was bigger than us, and to stop fighting it. We've been great ever since. I mean, we argue sometimes, but i can count on one hand how many times since then we have actually fought, and that was 7 years ago.
I agree, define the boundaries if you do take a break - you don't want to end up like Ross and Rachel - "but we were on a break!!!"
FI and I broke up completely 3 years in. We were apart for 6 months, after about 2 months in I told him I couldn't handle talking to him anymore for a while. Neither of us dated anyone else, but we really were compeltely broken up.
Then he texted me one day, I allowed him to come by (he wanted to drop off a Christmas present, was going to leave it at my door and I opened it and told him to come in) and then we talked. A lot, and about everything. We decided to try dating again and here we are 5 years later, never been happier.
For us, we needed that time apart. I needed to grow up and be on my own (I had lived on my own briefly before moving in with him, but with A LOT of financial support from my parents and with roommates) and learn how to take care of myself. I had to learn how to be my own person and be happy with me. He had stuff to work on as well but I'll only speak for myself.
Our communication is a thousand times better because of it. We know what we need to do to make our relationship succeed.
Anyway, that was probably the best thing that happened for us. But everyone and every relationship is different. Only you and your partner know whats right for you.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.
Thank you all ladies for your helpful words! it all truly makes sense. And to answer some questions, we would be taking this 'break' to grow as individuals. He needs to figure out how to be more responsible and take care of some issues and i have some motivational issues to work on as well. Well after having a somewhat therapy session with an older married friend, a lot of words it home, we had an emotional discussion after that (earlier today) and are just not wanting to have to take that time apart. So as @glittermoon mentioned, we will be working on seeing progress while we stay together. Thank you all!
Wish you both the best of luck. I think breaks can be really good for both of you - it can give you time and space to really understand what is important without the complexity of another person's emotions and needs interfering through that process.
I sometimes feel that my fiance is getting too overwhelmed and wants a break. Sometimes he acts as if he doesn't want to marry me.
I don't ever want a break. I know you want advice from people who have taken a break, but I think that if you do, you could possibly push him away further.
If my fiance told me he wanted a break, I wouldn't ever look back. I read that others have had success after a split, but I just don't think that is common.
I guess I'm not being too much help. I just wouldn't ever want to walk away from someone i want to marry. Things will get hard in a marriage.. will there be a seperation during that time too?
Try to sort everything out before making a move..
Maybe counciling would be a good option.
oh good.. i didnt see your latest post. I'm glad the two of you are going to stay together and grow together. Best wishes to you both.
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Hi Bees....well my fiance and I are still experiencing a rough patch. thought it would come and go, however i think this may be our first real break. Yes, I have posted before about 'threatening' to leave him, well this situation wasn't like that, we genuinely had a big issue affecting our relationship come up again, and it was necessary to take this time apart. HOW have you bee's (that have decided you needed a time apart from one another in order to move forward) how have you stayed strong and not want to give in and fix things the next day!?!? how do you get through the back and forth of emotions. Maybe those bee's who have actually experienced a heartbreak or called off an engagement (because no this is my one and only relationship) can help me out?