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Yeah I think it's wrong that she is forcing her design on you and using the excuse that you want to be part of the family as justification. I'm sorry I don't have new advice but if she isn't listening to your FI, you might just have to talk to her yourself which may not end well.
I understand how you feel. I think everyone has different ideas and yes she is just trying to help. Be happy that she's showing an interest in the wedding planning at all. Some people don't get anyone's interest. Having said that. Try giving her a task to take care of that won't matter if she buys the right color. For example, if you are having a candy bar... ask her to keep an eye out for some glass containers. Then show her a picture so she knows what you mean. Or see if she would focus on the rehearsal dinner or a bridesmaid luncheon. And let her know that if she could take care of those things she'll be helping out a lot.
As far as I'm concerned, if someone isn't paying then they shouldn't have that strong of a say (i.e. demand) in what YOU do. It's you and your fiance's day and you are the ones paying, therefore I think the decisions should ultimately be yours. There's nothing wrong with making suggestions and throwing around creative ideas but demands and such should not be tolerated. Hope you all find a way to work through this. :-)
MissAsB: I know I need to have a talk with her; I've sort of been planning to, but preparing for a conversation with her is like preparing for war. If I'm not prepared I get bulldozed.
Vintage: She doesn't really want to do anything that I ask her to. She wants the big stuff, like picking the venues, catering, she doesn't like the guests I'm inviting from church. That's a good thought though, I'll rack my brain for a task she might undertake.
Fancygirl: I'm of the same mindset, but FI wants us all to 'just to get along', so I'm not sure how to handle her without having her freak out.
Is there any way you can just avoid telling her what you're planning, thinking about, and looking at? Would it be too mean for you to answer her questions with "I'm working on it" or "I already took care of it" so that she has no direction to go in?
Gotcha - maybe you can just say stuff like, "thanks for the ideas, I'll think about it/take it into consideration?" As for things she's already purchased - can you say that you had a very precise vision and will be taking care of that on your own? As I typed this, I see Glowawber had a very similiar suggestion. :)
I agree with pp, don't discuss any wedding stuff with her further. Make bland statements like, "I haven't decided yet." "I'm still thinking about it." "Thanks for the suggestion, I haven't really thought about that yet." etc. That way you don't give her a jumping off point. I agree with you about using the stuff she already bought, but maybe you can jazz up the gold table clothes with a blue runner?
So sorry you're going through that. I felt my shoulders tighten as I was reading your post.
I think it's to the point where a discussion can't be avoided, but I would recommend the importance of a three-way discussion between you, your fiance, and your future mother-in-law. Also, you'll want to make sure you and your fiance are really on the same page so that you can join in a unified front.
Once that's done, my best suggestion is to simply stop sharing ideas with her. If you don't want her opinion -- which it seems you now know you'll get -- then don't allow yourself to be in such a position. If she asks a question on what you have planned, maybe tell her she should enjoy the anticipation of being surprised along with other guests. Maybe then she'll gently get the message.
Good luck!
It seems like everyone has given you really great advice and it's great that your fiance is standing up for you. The only thing I have to add is that when your fiance does stand up for you he should say "mom this is OUR wedding" rather than "mom this is HER wedding." This way it is less of a battle between you and your FMIL and more about what you and your fiance want for your wedding. I hope everything works out!
This is one battle I hope never to face... I totally sympathize with you and your Fi as well! I'm sure I absolutely wouldn't be as gracious as you are about it... 
I would advise that since you are paying for it, go ahead and do things the way YOU want to. Anything that doesn't fit your wedding ideas, doesn't become a part of the wedding. Place online ads for the things which do not form a cohesive part of your theme. After one or two instances of this, your FMIL should get the hint.
If she confronts you about it, let her know that you had informed her you had a specific style in mind/ you had asked her not to buy it/ you were making your own already and despite that she wanted to go ahead and buy it anyway.If she felt she wanted to needlessly spend her money, thats her call to make.
Seems to me she wasn't trying to help, just trying to push HER vision of what your wedding should be like onto you. And even if your ideas don't work, its still "your mistake" to make. Don't be browbeaten into keeping the peace while she runs around playing the victim card.
I know what I've advised is a little ruthless, but it seems she is being thoroughly inconsiderate of your feelings and you have been very patient with her so far, despite her running all over your plans for your wedding. Stand firm on your convictions by politely, kindly and FIRMLY explaining to her that those items were not what you wanted, but now that she has bought them anyway you plan to recoup the loss by putting the money from the sale towards what you really want.
I love all you girls at WB. I can't thank everyone enough for your advice and encouragement. I feel stronger already!
This is so tough. Any FMIL issue or MIL issue is a struggle because of the delicate balance that she is your family now but you don't want to be walked all over. I was having some major issues before the wedding and was so angry, frustrated and hurt, but that is a whole different story.
I'd encourgage you to maybe talking with your FMIL like others suggested. I think avoiding talking about specifics with her may help. Or if you are doing any DIY purchase the supplies yourself and then have a DIY/Craft time with her just helping. That way she feels included, is helping you but didn't make any of the decsions. So basically I really need help with the putting together of ____ so she is still included. Another job would be something like the rehearsal dinner or another event.
Even though he is frustrated, I'd encourage your FI to talk to his mom. At the end of the day she is his mom and she will probably be less defensive with him and he can stand up to her. I really struggled with standing up to my MIL because I new the relationship was "more delicate" while his relationship with her was unconditional no matter what was said. It is so important that he sets boundaries not just for the wedding but for your life after. You don't want her to continue to intrude and want to enjoy the relationship. Even though it was so hard for Mr. Ducky he really worked with his mom, had some tough discussions and set boundaries and in the end the wedding day was perfect she loved all the details she at one time complained about and the relationship has been really healthy since then.
I hope things go better. Keep us updated.
AVOID HER! I am serious. I had to do this with someone in my wedding party and so far it's worked! Don't asnwer her phone calls or emails. When she buys stuff just say "thanks!" and put it in a closet or sell it in the classifieds. When she asks you what you're working on BE VAGUE. If she presses you for answers why don't you give her a taste of her own medicine and play the crying victim, hide in th bathroom and play tetris on your cell phone. On the day of the wedding assault her with nail, massage and hair appointments to keep her occupied. Send your friends to decorate. What is she going to do when she walks into the reception and everything is yours and all her friends are complimenting her on how crafty and creative you are? She's gonna smile and act like she was on board all along.
Having a MIL that is pushy, outspoken, and harsh is no joke. I, unfortunately, have been dealing with such a person for the last seven years... so I understand your situation. I think it is important for you to stand up for yourself. Be prepared though, if you do confront her with her rather RUDE behavior, she will deny, deny, deny. These "gifts" that she is purchasing for YOUR big day have strings attached, and you do not have to accept every gift you receive.
I agree with the other ladies that you should avoid giving her any more details and give her a special task. This will get her off your back and still make her feel important and special. My MIL loves to take pictures so I asked her to capture all of our wedding weekend events... it kept her busy and she took some great pictures that I probably wouldn't have had!
Although I didn't accept every idea or gift she offered, I knew some key ideas were important to her and I tried to incorporate those into the wedding. For example, when Tim and I first got engaged, MIL had given us a figurine that "we could use as our cake topper!!" I thought it was lovely, but I had already had a cake topper in mind, so I displayed the figurine on the guestbook table... she was so pleased.
Your story reminds me a lot of my own... respect her, but do not cave to her demands. Remember it is you and your FH's big day... include others, but make it special for you!
Yeah, I have one psycho of MIL. I couldn't take it anymore with her demands... not suggestions, I can take suggestions. She was not considerate of what I wanted and she didn't understand why I couldn't do it HER way. I tried to explain it to her why I wanted it a certain way but she didn't like it.
Sucks that I had to do this, but I had to cut her off from 90% of the wedding plans. I couldn't talk to her about the wedding. She was making it feel like my ideas weren't good enough and what I was going to do wasn't propper. She didn't think I was spending enough money when DH and i were the one paying for 95% of it.
I even tried to compromise but nope she wanted it her way. She was too far into thinking how she wanted the wedding, that I had decided to not involve her. I let DH select the music and let them decide the mother son dance... which turned into a nightmare. (there is a post of it on here)
Sorry you have to deal with her but i know how you feel.
Oh, DH also pulled that card and told me all he wanted was for his mom and i to get along. I tried to apologize days before the wedding but she didn't think she was doing anything wrong. She thought it was all me.
It's almost 2 months after the wedding and I haven't talked to her since the wedding. She was good at my wedding and apologized at the end of the night where we hugged. But then I heard that a few people heard her making fun of one of my relatives during my ceremony...and that's when I gave up on her. She disrespected me and my family and I want nothing to do with her. And last month, we found out she is getting married. The crap she put me through, if only I could do the same crap she did to me. Everyone says 'payback's a b*tch.' I don't even think I can even go to her wedding. I think I will be fuming the whole time. Plus I might do something stupid, so I'm leaning towards making up an excuse so I don't have to go.
DH understands that his mom did somethings that were not right and I did somethings too. But he knows that I tried to solve things but she didn't want any of it. We talk about MIL but just to refer to her in good ways. He doesn't even try to get me pretend to be nice to her. I dont' want to fake it anymore. She knows that I haven't talked to her since the wedding and she probably thinks something is wrong. She's coming out to see us and DH didn't even bother asking me if I want to see her. He knows I don't care for her.
It actually sounds like she's doing to you what was done to her. Perhaps she's going nuts with your wedding because her MIL took over and didn't let her plan hers- so now she's using your wedding to plan the wedding she really wanted.
I agree with the advice of the other bees. Stop telling her stuff, and be vague about what you do tell her. Maybe she'll get the hint (hopefully).
And IGNORE her crocodile tears- she's just using it to manipulate and control YOUR wedding plans. The fact that your FMIL is not financially contributing to your wedding at all- but thinks she can tell you what will and won't work, and thinks she can basically plan a wedding that's not hers to plan? I would have lost my mind by now!
My FI and I are paying for our own wedding too. While it's a financial struggle, it's worth it so I don't have to deal with other people telling me how to plan our wedding. We make all decisions ourselves, and don't ask for anything from anyone.
If she keeps it up, you're eventually going to have to have a calm, rational talk with your FMIL and explain to her that while you appreciate her help, she's basically taking away the joy of planning for you and your FI. If your FMIL goes out and buys everything and plans everything- then how is it YOUR wedding? It's not. It's HERS.
Do you want to look back on your wedding day with a heart full of regret- that you were basically a participant in a day that wasn't really yours? If you don't put your foot down and set boundaries with in-laws at the start of your marriage- can you imagine how it's going to be years down the line? If she's this controlling with your wedding, can you imagine what she's going to be like if you have children?!
I know most people have some sort of MIL problems, I'm just glad to hear there are other Bees who have made it through an extreme case like mine.
Today she's just come up with a new guilt trip of "I don't want to do anything for the wedding anymore, you might as well go to Vegas at this point." It has FI feeling pretty bad. It's kind of hilarious to me because "at this point"? Like because she's not getting her way we might as well elope? She's acting like having a wedding isn't worth it because it's not her vision? She can't just be happy that her son is marrying someone he loves?! UGH
She was telling me that the reason she has so many 'ideas' for the wedding is because FI is her only son and it's the only wedding she's going to have. My reply was "I'm not planning on having another wedding after this either."
I'm going to let this settle down for a few days and then try to get her on a task like the rehersal dinner.
Thanks so much everyone!
I am totally in the boat with you! As I reading I was going, uh huh, uh huh, me too! You've gotten some good advice already, I'm just here to tell you that you're not alone and sometimes it just feels goodd to vent! good luck as things progress (and, as I'm over a year into planning, I can tell you that things ebb and flow, sometimes it will be worse and sometimes it will be better!)
My FMIL is vying for the rehersal dinner too - I think I'm going to pick a place and then just hand over, keep her busy!
I know it's easier said than done, but if I were you I would tell her to keep all her reciepts b/c you might not use the things she's buying. Just keep getting the things YOU want regardless of what she buys. Tell her you've already made all of the design decisions, but if she wants to contribute financially she can.
I don't know how your FMIL will be like.. but I know I started having relationship problems because since I wasn't talking to the FMIL... that she would talk to my FI and then FI would tell me what she said about her 'wedding ideas.' DH was getting mad that he was in the middle. I had to tell them first that this was our wedding and not me, FI and MIL wedding. So she shouldn't be involved in our decision making for this wedding. When FI and I agree on something, she should respect that and not try to get FI to change his mind about our decision. (Can you see how mad I was getting?) I had to tell DH that we make decisions as a couple... just us two. But, anyway, it looks like your FI is able to stand up for you. My DH had some mommy issues which made it seem like they were teaming up on me. We actually had to go to counseling right before the wedding to see what page the DH was on. As you can see, I did get married and he finally got it through his head that he has to support me as his wife and not his mom.
Ok, you're FI says he wants you to get along. And he kind of stands up for you. But he needs to stand up more. He needs to tell her that he thinks the color she picked stinks. He needs to tell her that the peacock feather or whatever stink. And that you'll be doing all the planning. I wouldn't simply accept her stuff. She probably didn't like that her FMIL planned her wedding. So she spent the rest of her life looking forward to planning someone else's. Unfortunately two wrongs don't make a right.
Would it be safe enough to have her help with the food? That doens't involve decor at all. Not usre if you had something really unusual planned for food. But if not, maybe she'd really enjoy that. I also, (sigh) recommend not talking to her anymore aobut the wedding. And if she asks, I'd lie a little and say "It's taken care of." I wouldn't say, "I haven't thought about it, yet." She might be the type to see that as a green light to take it on herself.
this is terrible! sorry to hear about your FMIL being a complete crazy about your wedding. I would warn your vendors ahead of time that you are the one making decisions - do it how you and your fiance want. if she wants to bring an entire car full of decor and things that you really aren't going to use, forbid your site to use it. only use the stuff you bring - you're not signing any checks if the place is decked out in all your FMIL's stuff. Seriously - money talks. If the family is going to not help you, but consistently criticize you and undermine the both of you, I would just play by your own rules and be very consistent. Any time she gets defensive and cry baby like, say the same kind of super nice script. "I am so overjoyed to be joining your family! We are also excited about starting ours, and our first day together will represent us as a couple - we are so excited! We appreciate your support!" Even if she doesn't support your choices. Just repeat it ad nauseum. It doesn't sound like she is purchasing things to help you - but to assert her dominance and territory, which is gross and immature. Good luck!
(i'm in a terrible mood today, so this may be nastier than i typically post on here! woops)
It makes sense ... if her FMIL took all the decisions for her, she probably spent her life in resentment about that fact and looked forward to planning her only son's wedding as a "consolation prize". Now that you've upset that apple cart, she's going to throw every kind of a Bridezilla (FMIL-zilla?) tantrum about it as long as she gets her way. And if she doesn't, shes already stated her wishes about it "At this point you might as well elope to Vegas..."
Um, no thank you.
You don't have to put up with this, and this is emotional blackmail of the worst sort - Telling your FI that if he doesnt get you to include her ideas, your marriage holds no meaning for her.
I'm curious as to how much your own parents are involved in the wedding planning and whether you have spoken to your mom about the situation you are facing with your FMIL. She might have some insights on how to deal with someone of her own generation...
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I’m looking for advice from Bees who have been there. My FMIL is making me crazy. She hates all of my ideas and generally doesn’t like anything that she hasn’t come up with herself. She won’t listen to why her ideas won’t work, she just spits out a whole lot of nonsensical BS defending it. She has more of an aggressive personality type, where mine is more passive aggressive. Even when I flat out tell her I don’t like/want something she goes on about it and won’t give up on it.
FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves (mostly me because FI just graduated and is job hunting). My parents are not in a position to help us out at all and his parents said that they would not contribute. We’re not upset by this at all; we were considering doing so anyway just to have complete creative control because we know how FMIL is. So I’m DIYing as much as possible and trying to go more casual. It’s blatantly obvious FMIL wants to use our wedding as an opportunity to ‘show off’, where I want to do something more intimate and less of a production.
While his parents said they are not contributing, FMIL keeps buying wedding stuff. She locked me into a color scheme that I wasn’t wanting by buying all of the table cloths without consulting me. She also bought some things for centerpieces, she did call before hand, but I told her not to get them and she got them anyway. I casually mentioned how I was considering using peacock feathers because I wanted to add the blue color to the gold colored table cloths (that I didn’t want) and she goes out and buys fake bronze/gold peacock feathers thereby adding more of the color I didn’t want. I’m afraid of telling her anything about the wedding because I don’t want her to buy anything else.
FI doesn’t want to talk to me about wedding stuff because it’s all his mom talks about to him. He’s weddinged out by the time we have a few minutes to talk about it. I was venting to FI about everything FMIL and he says that FMIL says all the same things about me, ie: She’s trying to plan the wedding without me, her ideas just won’t work, and she hates me. FI always takes my side. FI: “Mom, it’s her wedding. How would you have felt if your FMIL tried to plan your whole wedding” FMIL: “She did, and I was happy to let her because I wanted to be a part of her family.” So because I want to plan my own wedding, I don’t want to be a part of the family?
I don’t want to be jerk, FMIL bought stuff I didn’t want, but she was trying to help (not just to have her way) right? I want to use the stuff she bought because I don’t want it to be a waste and then it's one less thing I have to buy (even though it's not exactly what I wanted)
FI’s one and only wedding request is that FMIL and I make it through the wedding and don’t hate each other. I’d love to tell FMIL where to get off at, but lately she’s been playing the ‘crying victim’ card and I want no part of that. Anyone have any ideas or experiences that would help? Besides telling FMIL where to get off at or giving her the silent treatment?
Sorry this is so long. Please tell me if I'm just over reacting and need a reality check.