(Closed) Need advice from southeast Asian and Indian brides…LONG…r/o please

posted 5 years ago in South East Asian
Post # 3
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@lightsinsorrow:  I can relate to the feeling of obligation and responsibility to family members and expectations. I’m SE Asian and in my family, it was extremely important for my dad that I did not move in with my SO (now husband) before marriage. We tried to compromise by moving in after our engagement, and he still flipped out. About a week or two before the wedding, he told us in a very dramatic fashion that he would “never be happy again” because of what he did. Well, after that speech, everything just went uphill from there. He was still happy for us on our wedding day, and has never brought it up again, and I know he still loves us. 

I’m afraid I didn’t go through the exact same scenario you’re facing, but I just wanted to say that I can understand where you’re coming from. I also had friends who could not understand why I had to calculate my parents’ concerns and expectations into all parts of my life. 

I like the idea of your compromise – perhaps just you and your SO at the blessing ceremony with parents, perhaps grandparents too. Is there anyone in your family – maybe a respected elder or someone like that – you could confide in and perhaps they could help speak for your case? 

I guess in my family, my siblings and I have done some things that are definitely against tradition and disappointed our parents – but we knew that the ones we love (our parents) would still love us at the end of the day. I struggled with feelings of guilt, but I’m glad I made the decision I did. I hope the same will happen for you. Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Is there any way your parents would be willing to contribute to the blessing ceremony so that you could have all of your extended family present?

I am also SE Asian and the tea ceremony was very important to my parents. DH and I just wanted to go get married in Vegas with our closest family and friends present but my parents freaked out and insisted that we also have something back home where all our family and friends could attend. We talked it over with my parents and explained that we were on a budget and didn’t want to have to pay for a huge wedding and for guests that we had never even met! (my mom was insisting that she HAD to invite all of her coworkers as well or she would “lose face”… UGH with asian pride!)

Fortunately, my parents understood where we were coming from and said that they would cover all aspects of the tea ceremony because it was that important to them. I am sure that we were just really lucky that my parents were willing to do that for us… but it you think about it.. it’s more for them than us!

I also agree with @jduck84 about finding a close relative that understands how you’re feeling about the situtation and can speak for you. For me, it was my older cousin. She understood the cultural expectations my parents had but also knew what I wanted as an Asian-American bride. She was definitely the voice of reason throughout the whole wedding planning process and was able to get my mom off my back about certain things (she was actually the person who gave us the idea to get married in Vegas!).

Post # 6
Member
3358 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I had a DW to eliminate this problem. I have a large family too, but they’re all in SE Asia … I’m in the US, where all of DH’s family is. DW was really the only way for us to draw the line at immediate family only.

If it were truly up to me, I would have eloped .. everybody else’s feelings be damned. Only reason why we even had a ceremony with the immediate family members and select friends was because my DH knew his parents would be very upset if they couldn’t attend the ceremony and my side of the family would have been furious! (Asians XD). Again, if it really were truly up to me, I would have eloped.

Post # 7
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2006

Speaking as an Indian/American woman I can see the repercussions (but exciting( prospects of eloping, and even though my family and in laws are kind…my god all hell would have broken loose. 

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