(Closed) Need advice from the Bees trying to help a friend.

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
  • poll: Do you think it was hurtful or showed her pain???
    Do you think it was hurtful? : (5 votes)
    36 %
    Do you think it shows how much pain she is in? : (3 votes)
    21 %
    Both : (6 votes)
    43 %
    Other option? : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    9063 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    As a military wife, I have seen my husband away on deployments to find that he may not be coming back when expected.

    Also, as a military wife, I cannot agree with your friend. I think that if this is how she feels, and if she does not understand how the military works and that sometimes, he cannot tell her things then she isn’t cut out for a military lifestyle.

    Her husband is doing this country a great duty and service. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have my husband go someplace terrible (I assume her fiance is in the middle east?) I would not sleep until he was home in my arms. I would be an absolute living wreck because I am so, so, so afraid of my husband (however slim the chance may be) getting deployed to the middle east.

    Shit happens in the military. It isn’t this beautiful, well oiled machine that people imagine when they think of the military. More often than not, one hand doesn’t know what the other is doing, and that throws a wrench into the clockworks more often than one can admit.

    I don’t know his side of the story, so I cannot say for sure, but I can say there is a definite real possibility that he can’t discuss his coming home or transport. There are so, so many reasons for this. Nine times out of ten, my husband cannot tell me where he is deploying to but he’s IN the United States. It’s frustrating, I agree, but it isn’t worth him risking his job for.

    I understand her pain. I really do. I know what it’s like to sit in an empty house, alone, waiting for the person you love to come home. This last deployment, my husband sent me a solitary text hours after he was supposed to be home to me saying, “It’s not looking good, babe.”

    I can’t tell you how broken my heart was. I didn’t know where he was, I didn’t know when he was coming home, and I had worked myself up so much that he was going to be home on that day. I had planned all sorts of special things to welcome him home, and it wasn’t going to happen.

    I know her heartache, her lonliness, her frustration, her fears. I know it so, so, so very well, but that does not validate her taking it out on her fiance when it very well could not be his fault.

    I think your friend was out of line. While I sympathize her deeply, truthfully and wholley, I don’t think it’s something she should have sent to him.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2651 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @Hyperventilate:  +1

    I understand that it hurts your friend, but it’s not as if he’s doing this on purpose or all by himself. I’m not a military FI/wife, but I have many friends who have or are currently serving or are married to someone who is. One good friend was the sergeant of his patrol and took it upon himself to be an ear to bend/shoulder to cry on for his men. He was often frustrated by the GF’s and wives of his men who would write similar letters because all it would do it sadden his troops and give them even more to be worried about aside from being deployed somewhere dangerous. He knew that they all would rather be home with their women (and sometimes men I guess though I don’t think he ever had any females in his command).

    I say this without any malice and just as a reality check – your friends needs to decide whether she is strong enough to handle the realities of this relationship because it’s unfair to basically hold him responsible for how she feels about an uncontrollable situation. If she truly loves him, she’s got to take HIS feelings into account as well. Does she really think he’s staying away on purpose or something? If she can’t handle this, then she needs to think about moving on.

    Post # 6
    Member
    3982 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I agree with everything the PP said. I’m not a military wife, but lots of my friends, and my sister, are. It’s HARD. 

    honestly, to me, it sounded like she was breaking up with him. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    3689 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    My ex was in the Army when our relationship began.  He had orders to go to Korea a week later and was there for a year.  

    Being in a relationship with a soldier is difficult.  Not every woman is cut out for it.  I certainly wasn’t.  

    Your friend needs to understand that he’s not giving her false hope on purpose.  He probably hopes he’s coming home soon, but really has no idea when it will happen.  Her harping on him about it is only going to make him feel bad.  It’s not like he gets to choose when it’s going to happen.  Part of the military life (spouses included) is the uncertainty.  That email is going to accomplish nothing but hurting him.

    Post # 8
    Member
    9063 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @niasg1:  I understand that. I really, really do. I sleep beside my laptop with Skype open when my husband is gone. I carry my cellphone close to me all. the. time. I get it.

    But, my husband tells me he’s coming home, too. He was supposed to redeploy to his home base this last deployment for a few weeks and he didn’t. He told me, and I was heartbroken. I got my hopes up, yes, but that was my fault. Nothing is promised with the military, especially during a deployment.

    My husband used to not tell me things. He used to not tell me when he was coming home, or suspected to come home. Truthfully? It did more harm than good. At least if I had at least a date to suspect he was coming home, it gave me something to look forward to.

    I was absolutely crushed when it didn’t follow through (more often than not, I might add), but again, I got my hopes up so it was my own undoing. Like I said… nothing is promised during a deployment. You can be told by your superiors that you’re coming home in a week, only to have the day before they tell you that there aren’t enough funds, or one branch of the military is conflicting with yours, or some bullshit reason like there is rain on the runway, or a mysterious spot on the windshield of the plane. These are all reasons why my husband has not been able to come home to me.

    I love my husband more than life itself, but I do not love the military. Your friend knew what she was getting into, and I’m she had more than enough time to back out. My husband straight up told me I had one chance when we were dating. If I could survive one deployment, I was his.

    When I moved out to Oklahoma, he deployed a week after I moved in. I was alone in a state I did not know. I left my entire family back in California, and I have zero friends here. I was in an “unfamiliar house” (although I had stayed with him for 3 weeks in an earlier visit) and I spent most of those nights up and afraid.

    He went to Hawaii and we had a breakdown. Well, I had a breakdown. I didn’t like being alone, he didn’t like being away from me, and he gave me a reality check. Either I buck up, or get the hell out.

    I love him, so I stayed.

    Deployments never get easier. I’m just going to say that right off the bat. The nights never get less lonely and the dark never creeps in less. I find it difficult to sleep most nights because I don’t know how my husband is doing, where he is, or what he is doing. I am kept in the dark about most of his job, and I hate it. But, I endure.

    I underestimated how terrible deployments are.

    Your friend is being unfair, but I understand her feelings wholeheartedly. To each their own, and if she wants out, she needs to get out. But this isn’t as easy as I suspect she thinks it is. It isn’t like he can say, “I need to go home.”

    I used to cry at night, too. I was very depressed when he was gone the first time, but, that was to be expected. It was a new experience for both of us.

    But, I toughened up. I stopped crying and I pulled myself out of that depression because, when my husband came home? Nothing else in the world mattered. I was whole again.

    It isn’t easy being in a relationship with a soldier, a sailor, or what have you. We sacrifice a lot of things for our love. We do not get the privledge of crawling into bed every night with our husbands, or telling them we love them before they go to work. We do not get to split chores or go furniture shopping together, and most of our communication comes via skype, text message or the brief phone call. We don’t have the liberty to look at the clock and say, “My husband will be home at 6.” because more often than not, this will never happen.

    If your friend wants out, tell her to get out. But she needs to get out because she is truly unhappy, and not because of his chosen career.

    Post # 9
    Member
    234 posts
    Helper bee

    @Glasgowbound:  Right? I read that and thought she was leaving him. I would be heartbroken if I was her FI. 🙁

    I would insist that she apologize to him. His situation is difficult enough, and I think it’s selfish to write him something like that – doesn’t she consider that he might want to tell her where he is and when he can come home and actually come home to her? I’m sure it’s absolutely worse to be the man hearing the change of plans than to be the woman on the other end, and especially to be the man reading that kind of letter afterward.

    I see the struggles with a couple of my closest friends who are military wives. It’s rough. I know a lot of women want to be cut out for it, they want to say that they could handle it, but I think truthfully only the strongest women can. I worry enough with my brother in the middle east (though he’s not allowed to tell us where or when he comes home), I don’t think I could handle my SO being deployed.

    I had written more, but I think Hyperventilate has really covered it.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3982 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Length of time isn’t the only determining factor in who goes home. Someone with special skillor stays longer. depending on the position, there needs to be a replacement before the person can be sent home. There is soooooo much that goes into determining who stays and who goes. 

    I hate to be blunt, but I don’t think this is something she’s cut out for. None of this is her SO’s fault and yet she’s blaming him. It sucks, it does, and it always will, but that is what being attached to someone in the military means. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    1274 posts
    Bumble bee

    I feel for your friend. I really do. But I think you need to ask her to see things from his perspective, if only for a few minutes. He is wherever he has been deployed to, fighting for his country, away from his family, his SO/FI (? it wasn’t clear exactly what their status is) and he too probably feels the exact same way. He WANTS to let her know exactly when he will be back home. He probably would do anything to be home with her, to have a life together with her, and to live a life where uncertainty in regards to his job, doesn’t exist. 

    I am not someone with a family member/spouse in the military, but I can only imagine how hard and devestating and lonely it can be for the soldier and his loved ones. Maybe she could find some more support, other military wives in the area or join some sort of club or take up a new hobby, to just get her mind off of her own feelings, if just for a moment.

    It’s hard to see a friend in pain, I know that. But OP, I think that all you can do for your friend is be supportive, be a shoulder to cry on and pray often for the safe return of her SO from his deployment. She has to figure things out for herself, if she is able to stay, and if she can handle it.

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