(Closed) Need advice from those who bought a house together before engagement

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2894 posts
Sugar bee

I bought a house before we were engaged. My guy had brought up several times that he wanted to be on the mortgage and several times I considered it. But I came to the conclusion that we weren’t married, there wasn’t proof that he wanted this to be a forever relationship because otherwise he would have proposed, and MOST importantly – you can’t get into $200K+ debt with me if you aren’t willing to utter 4 little words. I know I make it sound harsh but it really wasn’t. 30 years and 200K of debt should be more terrifying than 4 little words so I told him no and the mortgage is in my name. We got engaged about 7 months later and we’re now married. I didn’t feel like it solidified our relationship but it seemed to solidify in my guy’s head that I wasn’t going to wait around for my life to happen. 

Now, I know plenty of people have bought together and everything turned out to be wonderful. But I personally wasn’t going to take the risk. We had been together for 2 years at that point and marriage talks were on the table but I’m not a gambler. 🙂 Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

Post # 4
Member
2495 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

FI and I were hesistant to do so. He has been married and owned his own house before, so he really didn’t want to because he said the first year of owning a home you are house poor with little things that need to be done here and there. As a result, he knew that if we bought a house, we might not have the money, time or energy for a wedding.

Legally and financially, we did look into what we could do to protect ourselves, and there are legal documents a lawyer can draft to protect both of you individually if you break up.

I wouldn’t say that not being married killed that idea so much as the money and stress. In the end, if you are financially stable and planning to get engaged, why not? I will say, though, that one of my favourite couples took 12 years to marry because they bought the house, she got pregnant and her husband took that as “now we are just common law and that’s enough”. THAT would be a worry of mine.

Post # 5
Member
553 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We bought a house before being engaged. However, we knew the engagement was coming. it was just a good time for the market in our area, and we didn’t want to miss out. I wouldn’t change a thing about it. We knew the path that we were on and just went about it in a different way. Instead of the traditional marriage, house, kid. We went house, kid, marriage…lol.

That being said, our wedding is going to be small because of this. We just don’t have the funds for a huge blowout party. But, we are happy with that. Its a small intimate affair with our closest friends and family.

Post # 6
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We bought our house about a year before we got engaged.  We had talked about it and knew we both wanted the same things and to be married at some point, he promised within a year of when we bought the house we would get engaged.  We found a house and went ahead and bought it.

I deff felt more commited once we had the house, it was a very secure feeling like we were really starting our life together.

Things were so crazy busy with the house and renovating I kinda forgot, but he proposed the day before the 1 year mark of when we bought the house.  He had planned to do it the day of but got excited and couldn’t wait. 

Only you can decide whats right for you guys, but buying before marriage is increasingly popular these days.  We know 3 other couples that bought together, 1 is engaged, the other 2 are recent buyers.

Post # 7
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Absolutely not. We’ve lived together for 5 years but there is no way I’ll be buying property together before marriage. I have seen the outcome for couples who have done this and broke up, and it’s a nightmare. You would think that it doesn’t happen that often, yet I’ve it many times, from couples who had been together for over 5 years.

From a legal standpoint, I would never recommend this. If you do decide to do it, please see a lawyer first.

 

Post # 8
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

We bought our house before we were engaged but moved in 4 days after we got engaged. He has a house of his own before we bought one together and i was paying him rent. He wanted a house that was Ours not his. I did know that the engagement was coming and i would have been hesitant buying together before i knew that. Buying a house together before being married is risky especially if the worse were to happen. We made sure we signed the morgage to state that if anything happened to eiher one of us the house would be split evenly both ways (his mum didnt really like this because he put more into the house than i did because he had equity in his previous house) but once we are married its 50/50 anyway. We did have little DIY jobs to do on the house when we moved in but the wedding is our priority. We have a roof over our heads…decoration can wait until after the wedding as far as im concerned.

Post # 9
Member
3295 posts
Sugar bee

Not the same but we had a baby before the proposal. I think it heightened the “not married” feeling for me and while I am very happy I had my son, I wish we waited until he bought the ring. My fiancé wants more children and to move out of the state and I told him I wouldn’t being doing either unless we got married. He proposed 5 months after our son was born.

Post # 10
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We bought together while engaged, before getting married. The house is in his name because his credit score was so awesome. After we’re married, my name will be added. I wouldn’t even move in to his apartment until he had ordered a ring. 

My concern was “getting too comfortable” and not feeling the need to add more commitment. So many waiting bees post here about how ther SO says, “We’re practically married” or “What’s the point in getting married now?” 

One of my acquaintances just bought a place with her boyfriend and, from time to time she’ll get all heartachey on tumblr about how she wishes there was an engagement first. They’ve lived there for 3 months now and each post has become more and more full of regret. 

Only you know your SO. Every couple is different. Personally, I didn’t feel more “committed” to my guy- we were already well into wedding chaos. 

Post # 11
Member
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We did pretty much everything before marriage.. lol

We were together for around 5 years before we purchased our first home. My DH wanted to have a house more than anything. For him, having a house, with his own land and the ability to do what he wanted with it was VERY important. We both wanted to get married eventually, but for us, getting a house first just seemed to make more sense. It didn’t postpone our wedding or anything like that. I do feel it was a big commitment for us both to buy our first home together though. It is a big deal.

Within a year and a half or so we were engaged.

Then we had our daughter.

Then we got married.

I guess for us, we knew that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together, so it didn’t really matter what order we did things in. I think that if you’re both sure you want to be together, marriage can happen whenever.

Post # 12
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I bought my house with my fiance 3 months before our wedding.  I would have never even considered buying a house with someone I was not engaged to.  Buying a house is a huge commitment…get a ring first. 

Post # 13
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

We bought a house and i think it postponed his marriage proposal. 

We bought the house 2 years before he proposed, and if we didnt have that financial burden and if i wasn’t already practically his wife he would have been more inclined to propose sooner. Because now a wedding is just an expense. 

Just my opinion. 

Post # 14
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

We bought a house in Sept of 2010, but it was a new build so we didn’t move in until April 2011.. we still were not engaged. We did get engaged in Aug of 2011 though.

We bought the house under both our names, so it was ours, not mine, not his. 

I think I am of a different mind set though.. I was set to be with him for life, engaged/married or not. I knew we’d be together, with or without a ring.

Post # 15
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My SO bought a house, for us, just recently. We would’ve bought together, but my student loans prevent me from getting a mortgage. I realize now it is probably for the best only his name is on the deed, even though I was upset about it at the time. I do feel like it is >his< home.

I have quite a few friends who have bought with their SOs, and like me, they are still waiting. For some of them, its been many years. I really do think it postpones the engagement. SO has said to me recently, the house was such a big purchase/change that he can’t do anything else right now. I love our house, but I wish I had insisted engagement comes first.

Post # 16
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

We bought a house/moved in together in March 2010, and were engaged August 2011.

The house is all in his name (he makes way more money than I do) but neither of us would have agreed to even living together if we weren’t sure were were getting married soon. The whole progression was very natural–although it was terrifying for me to be the one to ask, “so, um, do you think we should maybe move in together?” 

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