(Closed) Need advice: Handling family drama re: small wedding

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well elopement MAY be the answer. However, I suspect it really will NOT take the Mothers “years” to get over it. Hey you didn’t tell THEM how to get married, why should they dictate how your wedding should be? PLUS you are paying for it, therefore it’s YOUR party, not theirs!! Tell them to either keep their opinions to themselves and “deal” or do not attend. They have no right in telling their 30+ year old children what to do!

Post # 4
Member
46160 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Parents can be anxious about weddings that are different from their pre-conceptions.

Unless they have been involved with or attended a recent wedding, they probably have no idea how weddings have changed over the years.

I would tell them that I recognize that they have concerns, that I appreciate their feedback, that I am asking for their support to have the wedding we want, not the wedding they want, then go ahead and plan the wedding your way.

Post # 5
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Though it does not sound like this is an issue: please do not give in to them! 

They either need to accept your dream wedding plans, or you should seriously consider eloping. Because either way, they’re going to be upset right? 

It blows my mind every single time, that families get so crazy over weddings.

Post # 7
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

We’re having a DW as well and have basically told people ‘This is when and where, if you don’t like it either don’t come or come and shut up’. Not in those exact words but if anyone starts to fuss that is EXACTLY what they will be hearing!

We are the ones getting married and paying for it so it will be what we want.

Post # 8
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@LawyaGal1212:  If this is your dream wedding, then I suggest you mail your mothers their invitations and never talk “wedding talk” with them again.  Just don’t bring the subject up, if they bring it up, change the subject or end the conversation.

They do not get to opinions (well opinions that they can share) when you two are footing the entire bill.  Treat them like any other guest – mail an invitation and that’s it.

Hopefully when they see the joy that you two are emitting on your wedidng day, they’ll think twice about saying anything again. 

Yeah I don’t get why the people NOT getting married have so many opinions on what is NOT their day!  I don’t get it!!!!

Post # 9
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just tell them they have 2 choices: accept your vision of your wedding and quit complaining or they will get a nice elopement anouncement.

Post # 10
Member
717 posts
Busy bee

totally agree with PP.

this is the vision that you and your FI have.  if you give in to them, you will regret that forever.  and it will give the mothers the idea that they can control you and influence your decisions in other parts of your life.  where does it end?  having kids, not having kids, how to raise those kids, how to manage your home, etc.  be firm, set boundaries.  they had their weddings and their days, now it’s your turn.  they will get over it and be happy for you, the relationships will not be strained for years to come.  they are probably more nervous about what people will say, not wanting to be seen as cheap, stuff like that.

Post # 11
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I agree with other posters that you shouldn’t give in or even talk about wedding planning around them (I ran into family drama, and I stopped talking about wedding planning around anyone except my fiance, and it’s helped).

I don’t know how much your wedding compares costwise to the mothers’ dream wedding(s), but if they continue to bring it up on their own, I would draft a cost breakdown for each wedding and tell them that if they want an elaborate wedding, they can pay the difference. If it’s a huge difference, this might shock them into silence.

Post # 12
Member
2440 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

DO NOT ELOPE! You guys said you are litterally making your dream wedding. It’s everything you want it to be. Have that wedding. Be as blunt as you need to with your parents “This isn’t about you, so stop giving me crap about it. How we choose to celebrate our wedding is none of your business”. At this point, I don’t think you have anything to lose. If you elope, you’re parents won’t be there. If you have the wedding you want and piss off your parents, the worst that can happen is that either they don’t come or you revoke their invite.

 

Do the wedding you want. Don’t give in to the crazy pressure your families are putting on you. They are being horribly selfish.

Post # 13
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@KoiKove:  This, completely. And then stop discussing it with them – they’ve made it pretty darn clear that rather than taking your explanations and listening to them and trying to come around, they are just going to take it as permission to argue about it with you and think they deserve some kind of say.

Post # 14
Member
5310 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I am sorry. If I were you, I would just not talk about the wedding AT all with them anymore (tell them it is completely not up for discussion if they bring it up) and mail the invites out when the time comes.  Neither of them has the right to interfere with what you and your FI want for your wedding, you know, the time you two are making promises to each other…not to your mothers! Do not even give them any idea they have any input at this point.

Do NOT give in to them to have a bigger wedding, even if they offer to pay for it all. At the same time, I would advise not “giving in” to them by eloping unless you really WANT to actually elope. By doing so you really are still letting them control and decide what you should not do for your wedding.

I also agree with others that you need to make it very clear where the boundaries are here, because if they do see they can railroad you here what happens in the future with other major decisions that are not about them? 

This is THEIR hangup and it should not affect you or your FI’s decision making or your own excitement and enjoyment. 

Your planned wedding by the way sounds awesome! 

I hate to make this about me, but my husband and I actually did something similar. We had a small mini-destination wedding out on the West coast of Canada, at a small resort that is special to us. 16 guests in all. Very private ceremony, with a sit down a la carte dinner afterward. We also were paying for it 100% ourselves, and made arrangements for our guests to get their spa, food, etc all covered. We too had the attitude of “let’s give them a mini-vacation, with a wedding ceremony thrown in!”. No honeymoon, no party later. 

We both have big families and so on, but we really limited our guest list to those who we were really emotionally close to, so it did mean a lot of family (even what would be considered immediate family) was left out of being invited (and we did invite friends we DO consider family). 

We got very little flack for it though. I think my MIL was slightly confused by the ceremony as it did not follow the tradition script, and my husband did not wear a suit much to her chagrin (he sewed his own outfit) but other than that people were on board and a few still talk about it being their favourite wedding. 

No regrets to this day because we had exactly what WE wanted. And so I really encourage you to have exactly what YOU two want. 

Post # 16
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@LawyaGal1212:  honestly, i’d write my mother a letter, and i’d get my Fi to write his. i’d explain why this is so important to you, how you see the day and how much you would like to include them in this day as your guests. pour it all out. tell her that this is how you have dreamt of your wedding day, and that after 10 years, you’re not willing to compromise on that. don’t tell her you’re doing it, and put it in the mail.

end it however you like, but having it on paper, where she can read and reflect on it in peace, may change her attitude. i like writing important things like this because i can choose my words carefully and it allows the other person to absorb it without the back and forth or fear of losing face etc that a phone call or face to face can have.

i seriously doubt if after getting those letters, they will have the audacity to complain about your plans. and if they do? they have no shame!

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