Hello Bees. A few days ago I was sitting at my office desk when my husband came in the room and looked visibly upset. As tears welled up in his eyes he told me that a month earlier he received oral sex from a girl he met in a bar. Him and his friends were away for the night in another city, got really drunk and invited girls back to their hotel room. He said after 30 seconds he realized he was making a huge msitake and told her to stop.
Hearing those words come out of his mouth turned my World upside down and I’ve been feeling sick ever since. He has been crying non-stop and telling me how much he loves me and that it was a huge mistake and that it would never happen again. He said he drank too much that night and was so out of it. He’s also agreed to stop drinking and went for an STI test today.
I asked him why he would even tell me and not just hide it since there would be no way of me ever finding out, and he said he didn’t want to hide it from me and it was driving him crazy for the last month.
I know all the passwords to all of his accounts and have always had complete control over our banking, credit cards etc. There has never been anything suspicious in the past and I’ve always trusted him 100%.
I just don’t know what to do. A million things are going through my head and I go from being really sad..to mad…to feeling worthless. We have been together for over 10 years and married for a year and a half. No kids.
I haven’t told any friends or family because I’m so ashamed and just don’t know where to go from here. I’m wondering if anyone has been through a similiar situation and what you did?
Any advice or thoughts would be helpful. Thank you.
I think it’s a really really good thing that he came and admitted this to you rather than you finding out. If you had somehow found out on your own, I would say leave him. That he came to you means he felt guilt and remorse over the action – although I’m sure there’s some people who would say he is looking for an easy out of your relationship, it sounds like he’s genuinely remorseful. Give him a second chance, but be honest and open and communicate together to be sure that there isn’t some underlying issue in your relationship, and it’s not just that he was blitzed out of his mind and allowed this to happen.
@Annabelles: First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine the pain and anguish you’re going through. With that said, it sounds like your husband is truly sorry and that’s why he told you. It’s great that you two are able to communicate with one another so openly. Imagine if he didn’t tell you and you did happen to find out secondhand? I think that’d be worse. For me, I would give him a second chance. However, if you feel that you cannot continue your marriage knowing that this happened, then maybe separation or divorce is the answer. But it does sound like he loves you and is truly sorry. Hope everything works out for you.
I think it really depends on if you feel like you’ll be able to truly forgive him and trust him again. I didn’t vote, because I would be confused as well in your situation and I’m not sure it’s as cut and dry as either leaving or giving him a second chance.
The first two responses are exactly what I wanted to say. I am so sorry you are going through this. Has he gotten a STD test since he cheated?
id try to work through it with counselling or something. Bear in mind though, a lot of people who feel guilty will tell a half truth ie
that it was a peck on the lips – when it was a passionate kiss
it was just a kiss – when it was fooling around or more
i started but felt guilty – i felt guilty but much later than im telling you
so they feel like theyre confessing, but not everything. id be very certain thats all that happened before i started to work on things
@Annabelles: Wow. I’m so sorry you are going through with this. ((HUGS)). I had an ex-boyfriend cheat on me. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me but only admitted after I confronted him when I found out from a mutual friend of ours. We eventually broke up bc I couldn’t re-establish the trust in our relationship. My advice to you is to give it time and see if he is genuine in his attemps to repair this breach of trust. Also time will give you the chance to see if you want to allow him the opportinuty to do so. Good luck!
Thank you so much for the quick responses, I have been feeling so alone the past few days and it really helps to have support and advice. The first day I couldn’t even look at him and just curled up in a little ball and cried. We’re slowly starting to talk more and he hasn’t left my side.. other then to go and get an STI test done (won’t have full results for another few days but no std’s were found today)
I agree with previous posters in that I’m impressed that he came to you on his own when he could have just hid it from you and hoped you didn’t find out. If he did instead tell her to stop after 30 seconds – well, in a way, that would have taken a lot of self-control on his part. He could have just said “screw it, i’ve started doing this might as well keep on it” but he asked her to stop, which might say something. If I were his wife, I would be slightly happier that he chose to stop like that. Of course, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t suffering a great deal because he still went way too far and did something that was flat-out wrong.
I didn’t vote, because at the end of the day, my opinion doesn’t really matter. I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship or what exactly you’re feeling right now. Basically, I’m saying that I’ll support you in your decision no matter what you decide.
If I were you I would want to know more about the events that unfolded that night. Your husbands interaction with the woman? Did he claim to be single? What led up to the oral sex…..was there kissing, etc?
I have been with someone who was unfaithful and as much as I tried I was not able to get over it.
I do encourage you to seek some counseling while dealing with this.
@newname_99: I totally know what you’re saying because that’s what I’ve been questioning him about over and over! He said it was oral sex that lasted 30 seconds but I have a hard time believing there wasn’t anything else that went on or how long it went on for.
I guess this is my wall going up and having no trust right now but I can’t help my mind wandering there!
I’m so sorry you are going through this, normally I am not one for forgivness and second chances but I think in your situation it is a little different.. yes what he did was wrong (VERY WRONG!) but he told you.. he didn’t wait for you to find out.
I personally would have a hard time believing any guy would give up a BJ after 30 seconds but I also don’t see why anyone would lie about it either.. I think that being together for so long you owe it to yourself to see if you can get past it, 10 years is a long time.
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you. Xx
I cheated on my FI a little over a year ago and it was a similar situation. He was furious with me… would talk to me, then screamed at me, then cried. In the end, it took a while for us to return to normal and he’s still not totally over it and it comes up every now and then but we just talk out the current feelings and try not to retread the original blows. As long as you feel like you can, one day, move past it… He is your husband. You chose him and he chose you, you both owe it to eachother to work on this and not bail on, what will hopefully be his only, one screw-up.
It’s up to you whether you want to give him another chance… but couples therapy is a good option for you to see if you can work through it.
I know this isn’t a popular opinion but I don’t understand why people tell.
I mean, he told you because it was driving HIM crazy. I think the punishment for cheating should be him having to live with what he did for the rest of his life.Maybe in certain instances it can be good for a marriage and I hope that’s what happens for you. It just seems to me like a lot of people tell for the wrong reasons.